Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. We know how hard it can be to reach out so thank you for having the courage to do so. It sounds like you have been coping with these dark thoughts for a while but please know that you don't have to go through this alone. Even when things are feeling at their darkest, please know that there is always hope, and our kind community are here to help offer as much support as you need through this time. We are also just checking in with you privately via email with some extra support.
Loss of a partner is one of the most difficult experiences one can go through and to go through this at a young age of 18 sounds incredibly hard. And to then go through subsequent losses would be even more challenging.
Are you or have you seen a mental health professional about what you're feeling or have you talked to your GP about this? If not, would you be open to this? If you'd like to find mental health support options, you can reach out to the understanding counsellors at our Support Service, who are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or also through Webchat (1pm-12am AEST) if you'd feel more comfortable talking online: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
We would also really urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who are also here for you 24/7, night day, as often as you need to talk these feelings through.
Thanks again for reaching out here and being so open and honest with your feelings. We hope that you can find some comfort here, and please feel free to continue updating us on how you're going, whenever you are ready.