I just lost my mum to pneumonia, I feel so terrible and I blame myself, and I wish I could just tell her I didn't want her to die. It was at the end of last month, mum had been battling cancer since 2015, it had spread from her throat, to her lungs, liver, shoulder, then back to her lungs. She had been in and out of hospital.
I hadn't seen mum for a while, not because I didn't want to see her, but because she didn't want me travelling 3.5 hours by car when I had only just got my license, I got it late due to both financial reasons, and lack of help, paid for each of the 50 hours, once a month, and it took years.
On the day I found out she was in hospital, there was a snow/landslide and I couldn't get to see her, the next day, I didn't go as I was told she was in for constipation, and I wanted the sun to be out as I was so worried driving as I didn't have any experience outside of the main street of my small town with hardly any traffic, people and no traffic lights. My car was overloaded when I went down as I was planning to fix everything for when she came home, but she never would.
Instead I saw her for 30 minutes before she told me to go as it was getting dark, this was the first time I had seen her in 6 months as she kept saying not to come down and she was fine, I had uni, and there wasn't enough room to stay over, she said she would see me at the end of her operation, which was low risk.
That night, we got a call, and I and my sister raced in, they pointed us to the room, and my mum was there, in pain, so they gave her some more morphine, she was saying how much she loved us, then went quiet. Her breathing got worse throughout the night and the Drs weren't doing anything apparently because of a care plan I didn't know about.
In the morning a group of doctors came around looked at her and said they could drain her lungs but it would be too traumatic, and "you don't want to see your mum in more agony do you!" , my mum gripped my hand and raised it, I was in so much shock, words didn't come out my mouth, if I could have that moment back I would, but instead they left the room, and my sister cried and told my mum it was ok to leave. I feel so terribly guilty like I missed the moment to save her, even though I know it was impossible as her lungs were compressed, and tumours were on her airways, but just the thought that she wanted me to save her is tearing me apart every night.