I need help and advice, please.
I am a 25 year old woman who has dealt with anxiety, depression and and panic disorder since puberty.
I am yet to find treatment that works for me, though I am yet to give up. I have found several roadblocks in terms of costs and waiting lists. For as long as I can remember I have found it increasingly more difficult to go to work (and as a child, school) I find myself having panic attacks the night before or the morning of a shift. I have begun to wonder if this is a form of agoraphobia, as any activity where I feel that I cannot immediately leave if I want to, seems to trigger this for me.
I have fought through this for so long, with it increasingly becoming more difficult. Most of the time I can force myself to do what I need to do despite the nausea and racing heart and general feeling of needing to run far away. But for the last year or so it has had such a hold on me, causing me to miss alot of work and lose a job.
I decided to study for 12 months instead of working, but the same panic affected me in the same way when it came to placement - and it once again beat me, I'm now forced to withdraw because I was unable to complete the placement.
This has left me feeling suicidal more than once, feeling as though I'll never be a functioning person, though I never act on it because I couldn't hurt my loved ones in that way.
I refused to sink this time, and picked myself up almost immediately and threw myself into jobs interviews and casual work before securing a full time position.
Three days before I was due to start this job my mother very suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. I was with her and performed cpr on her until the paramedics arrived, they were unable to revive her.
I did well at first, I kept myself busy, planning the funeral and staying strong for those around me - not wanting them to worry about me.
But now I just feel hopeless. I took a month off and went to work for a couple of weeks before I got injured and then sick, causing me to miss the past week and dread going back.
I feel that everything is just too hard, how do I deal with these issues as well as dealing with the loss of my mother simultaneously. I am exhausted, I have been exhausted for so long and now I just feel I have nothing left.
All of my friends and family have been wonderful, but it's true that everyone begins to disappear after a few weeks. I feel I'm just a burden to them now.