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Forums / Grief and loss / Loss of my Mum

Topic: Loss of my Mum

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. mjwa1984
    mjwa1984 avatar
    3 posts
    14 September 2020
    I lost my beautiful Mum 9 weeks ago...loosing a parent is something no one can ever prepare you for...this year has been such a tough year, first coronavirus, I lost my job, moved from Brisbane to Canberra in June to be with my partner, just before loosing my Mum, now I’ve started a new full time job and I find myself struggling to deal with it all...one minute I’m OK, the next I feel completely overwhelmed, lost, lonely and sad 😔
  2. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2464 posts
    14 September 2020 in reply to mjwa1984

    Hi mjwa1984

    Welcome to the forum and I am so very very sorry at the loss of your dear mum, I never like to say to someone "I know how you feel", but on this instance I very much do. I lost my mother on the 15th of July this year so it is still very fresh for me too.

    It is hard and it hurts and like any grief there is no recipe book on how to do this, I imagine that some days you are fine and think of your mother with love and the next day you can hardly think of her at all as it just hurts too much....grief is so hard and it is unfortunately a journey. We have to go through each part of the journey and the other thing is that it looks different for everyone. I hope that you have some people around you to hold you and to comfort you, sometimes that makes so much of a difference, just someone sitting with you. If you don't have anyone, I am here to sit with you as you go through this journey.

    I have found putting some flowers in the house that my mum liked has helped and some candles and I light them from time to time when I feel I need to acknowledge her passing...see that is the other thing..I am not sure if you could have a proper funeral, I could not..as I am in Melbourne so I feel on top of it all a real sense of guilt that we did not give her a service to acknowledge her life and her meaning to us. We can do something when the restrictions lift, and we will but it is just another layer.

    They say time heals all wounds however I have been on the grief train before and have found that it is just different, the wounds live with us and we will miss that person forever, I think knowing that and sitting with that helps too, that they will be only a thought away, they will live forever in our hearts and that our mum's would want us to smile and to think of them with happiness, so I try to do that too.

    I hope to chat some more to you mjwa1984, and from me to you, I am so very very sorry at the loss of your mum and I am here with you.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  3. Sarahbelle
    Sarahbelle avatar
    135 posts
    14 September 2020

    Hello mjwa 84,

    I am sorry for you that you lost your beautiful mum. I lost my beautiful mum 1 year and 1 month ago and it was so so hard, my heart still aches.

    Be kind to yourself as it is normal that you are having a roller coaster of emotions, they just don't pack themselves up neatly with an ending date, grief is powerful. I spoke with a friend last night by phone and she lost her mum over 10 years ago and I said to her I feel like I am waiting for my mum to come home - she told me after all these years she also still has that feeling. Grief is different for all of us yet we also experience so much the same. This I think is because we are human. Cherish the good memories and hold them close- talk and share them. Acknowledge the hard ones but don't dwell on them. The human brain is wired to cope with grief even though it can be hard to accept especially when it is so new. You will get through this but life will also be changed forever because of the love and deep loss you feel.

    Each time I see flowers and the sunshine I know my mum is there with me, even when I hang out the washing she is the sunshine on my shoulders.

    Think about the beautiful images you see of your mum in the everyday and allow them give you peace and a smile. Times will get better but give it time.

    Sarahbelle.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. mjwa1984
    mjwa1984 avatar
    3 posts
    14 September 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hello there

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post...I’m also very very sorry for your loss...

    You’re so right in saying there’s no recipe book on how to deal with grief and everyone has a different way of dealing with/processing it...

    I do have support/love around me, although sometimes I don’t think some understand/appreciate how hard it is and I guess they can’t as they haven’t been through it, which makes it harder to explain and talk about feelings/thoughts...

    We were fortunate to be able to have a funeral for Mum, I’m so sorry your circumstances were different, that must have been even more heartbreaking 💔

    That’s something I’ve heard over and over, time heals all wounds however I’ve been feeling the longer time goes on, the more I miss Mum, I guess that’s normal too...

    It would be great to chat more with you, and likewise, from me to you, I am so very very sorry at the loss of your Mum...

  5. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2464 posts
    14 September 2020 in reply to mjwa1984

    Hi mjwa1984

    It is really hard when others don't seem to understand, I kind of think them fortunate that they don't, it means that they have not have to suffer this pain in life..yet. But talking about it is essential and even though you may feel like you are bringing others down, you are not. Just as you would sit with your loved ones in their time, to listen and to hug them or to just sit in silence, they are happy to do that for you too...it is just hard to take the support sometimes that we need.

    A mother's love is like no other and I think the loss of a mother when you are close is also unlike any other. I am so happy you were able to have a funeral for her, to let those that loved her come together and to celebrate her and her life, I am grateful that some of us still can do that.

    I want to remind you that it is ok not be ok, to fall in a heap and to cry, to feel the sadness of your mum's passing and to let it out, also then to get up and to dust yourself off and forge forward. I hope that your work is understanding, maybe some time off might help, even one extra day a week just so you can take things slowly and to be kind to you.

    I painted a picture of a Llama, my mum loved them, I had her in mind the whole time I was painting and it brought tears and smiles and it just felt like a nice thing while I was doing that..mind you I am no artist but it was just a nice thing I have found in these times. I am wondering maybe if you could start something to connect with your feelings when you are feeling like it is all too much, like planting a flower for your mum that you can water and care for and enjoy and talk to, or even cooking her favorite recipe or something like that..it sounds daggy but it really has helped me.

    I am also the executor of her Will so that has been tough to process all her life and to close accounts and the like too...it is a final feeling to it all...that upsets me too.

    We can do this and we will do this mjwa1984..for our beautiful mums!

    Hugs

    Sarah

  6. mjwa1984
    mjwa1984 avatar
    3 posts
    14 September 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hello 👋 it’s super hard and yes I think them fortunate too...you’re right, we do need to talk about it, it’s healthy to do so...I have felt that I’ve brought others down by talking about it often, talking about my thoughts/feelings, it’s not a nice feeling especially when you’re going through the grieving process...

    No one can ever prepare you for loosing a parent, no one can explain it, it’s just heartbreaking 💔 I’ve lost loved ones before but this loss takes your breath away...

    Thank you Sarah, for reminding me that it’s OK not to be OK, it’s OK to have your bad days, it’s OK to break down and cry, sometimes I feel like I have to hold it together for the people around me, you know?

    I’ve been going to the gym and exercising for mental health, it also helps me to take my mind off things...your ideas are good also, my Mum was obsessed with ducks, she had duck ornaments galore! Funny, driving this morning a car in front of me slowed down and in front of it was a family of ducks crossing the road...

    Thank you so much for talking to me Sarah, I really appreciate it 🙏

  7. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2464 posts
    15 September 2020 in reply to mjwa1984

    Hi mjwa1984

    I have been thinking about how you are feeling and I am wondering if some journalling would help? I started to do it for the first time last year when my brother died by suicide, he was 19. I found that in a book I could write the most raw and honest things that were building up in side of me, some things I would NEVER say to anyone or out loud but it was so awesome to get it off my chest. I could just write and write and there was no order or no rules, just get it out. I haven't really gone back to look at those pages, they are not for anyone else and maybe not even something I will read again, but the words are out of me and forever on those pages.

    I understand very much the need to hold it all together for others, but why? I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old and I only realized last year that it is ok for them to see me cry, we as parents are human too and we make mistakes, we get upset and we also need to break down. It also allows them the ability to stand up and share the load so that they know how to cope in these situations and that they can share in the load of others. It is ok to take a day for you, or two or three, to say to those around you that you are taking some time for you and that it might be ugly and it might be sad and it might upset you, but..I need to grieve..you are allowed to do that. Then you get up and you take your steps to moving to the next part of the journey, whatever that looks like for you.

    Exercise and getting some oxygen around in your body is so great for your mental health and also gives you a break from your thoughts I have found. I am so pleased to hear you are doing that.

    How lovely that those ducks came to you, it is funny how we start to see things that we may not have really taken the time to before. I think that you will find something to do with ducks to keep your mum close to you each day.

    I hope you have some sunshine today mjwa1984 and that you can have some time to do something nice for you.

    Hugs

    Sarah

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