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Forums / Grief and loss / Lost father 10 years ago and just started my own family

Topic: Lost father 10 years ago and just started my own family

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. NoPlateZone
    NoPlateZone avatar
    2 posts
    1 September 2021

    Hello,

    I don't know how to start so I guess the title should give an idea. My dad died of cancer 10 years ago when I was a teenager and it's been a constant void in my life that I have never felt filled. I have a 9 month old baby and a wonderfully supportive partner who helps me a lot with our baby. And I'm aware that I'm lucky. But I am really struggling. There are the thoughts of, my dad never got to tell me whether he approved of my partner, he never got to congratulate me on my new family, kiss his grandchild or give me hugs for getting through labour safely.

    I know I have my mum, and she's doing everything that he would have done also. But it's not the same. I love her and I have a huge fear of losing her now because of my dad dying. She helps me so much, I'm so grateful.

    I just miss him, I have forgotten how his voice sounds because his voice mail has been disconnected. I miss his hugs and his smell. He used to smoke so I took up smoking just to feel closer to him and to smell it but gave it up for my baby and family. I go to therapy fortnightly but I have no other coping mechanism.

    I thought maybe having a family of my own, a little human that comes with a lot of responsibility would help me fill his void. It doesn't. I love my family, and I miss my dad. I wish he was here still. I feel lost without him and I feel like bearing this pain for the rest of my life will become more suffocating since I keep making impulsive decisions because I want to ease the pain somehow. I have people counting on me now. It's starting to choke me.

  2. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3215 posts
    1 September 2021 in reply to NoPlateZone

    Hi NoPlateZone

    Your post moved me deeply.

    You loved your Dad so much that 10 years later you are still missing him so much.

    Father's day is coming up. I wonder how much your new baby has made you grieve because he is not there to share in your love and delight of your child.

    When I was 19 my Mum died of cancer. I grieved terribly. She would never be there to see me graduate as a nurse or be at my wedding or be a grandma to my children.

    The grief you feel shows how much you loved your Dad. That love is a precious thing.

    You will always miss your Dad. Don't let him disappear. Talk about him to your children. Show them photographs of him and your family. This will mean a lot to your mother too. Make your memories of him keep him as someone still important to your family.

    Is your partner understanding of your grief?

    Make sure your Dad's name is mentioned. On special days like his birthday or Father's day do something in memory of him.

    You will become busy with your family and the grief will become more bearable. It will always be part of you.

    Your Dad wouldn't want you to stay forever so sad. Enjoy your new family. Help your Mum with her grief by sharing your new family with her.

    Your Dad would be so happy that you have a kind partner and brand new child. Enjoy and care for them. Cherish your Dad's memory.

    How wonderful that you cared for him so much. How wonderful for him to have been so loved by you. What a gift that is for you have given him. Cherish that thought.

    You will be OK.

    My sincerest wishes to you. 🌷

  3. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5757 posts
    1 September 2021

    hi and welcome.

    when you dad died, do you think you had an opportunity to grieve?

    The thoughts you are having can be result of delayed grief. One might imagine your dad lives through your child as well. And some things you might be able to do could include:

    • joining a grief support group in delayed grief or the type of loss you've experienced.
    • Try to incorporate mindfulness practices and/or breathing techniques into your self care routine as these exercises can help ground you.
    • Speak with family members and friends who you trust and share your experience with them.
    • Find ways to honor your loved one such as writing them a letter, planting something for them, and supporting an organization that was important to them.

    I don't there will be a time when would not remember any part of him. I hope that makes sense. And I suppose that also means working out a healthy way of healing. And if it helps you could also tell me some stories of your dad here.

    Listening to you.

  4. Learn to Fly
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    Learn to Fly avatar
    215 posts
    14 September 2021 in reply to NoPlateZone

    Hello NoPlateZone,

    Thank you kindly for your post and sharing your feelings and your pain with us. The pain that despite the time, seems to be still pretty raw.

    Hanna3 and Smallwolf made some great suggestions for you.

    I am wondering if you would be willing to consider the opposite to desperately trying to fill the void left by your wonderful father? I am wondering if you would be willing to work on accepting this void as part of your life without your father? This could mean going through more pain at first, however, hopefully eventually it would calm and ease the constant chase for someone who is utterly irreplaceable. Accepting the void would definitely not mean any less love for your father. It would definitely not mean forgetting him. This would be only so you can start to live your life a bit more freely and happily, without constantly regretting and wishing for something that cannot and will not happen.

    This might bring a slight shift to the way you include your father in your thoughts. Instead of regretting and wishing he could hold and kiss your baby, you could think: "My own father had given me life and now I passed this miraculous gift to my own child. My father taught me how to be kind to others and to myself and through this how to express my love to others. Thanks to him I can now pass this to my child."

    Know and remember how much he loved you when he was alive, what he taught you, what things you did together and how extremely happy he would be knowing that now you do the same things with his grandchild.

    I know this is not the same but I understand what you are talking about as I feel similarly about my grandmother who died over 20 years ago. I try to honour her memory by doing things I learned from her, telling her stories to my children and reaching out to her within my heart to calm myself and bring back the memories of my childhood innocence. In that way, I feel like part of her is still with me and enriches my life. I also have my regrets and wishes. They don't "go away" or disappear. But I have learned to accept the impossibility of those feelings (i.e. wishing she lived to meet my family).

    I hope I haven't hurt your feelings even more. Thinking of you and I am here to chat, if you need it.

  5. Stui
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    Stui avatar
    18 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to NoPlateZone

    Hi Noplatezone,

    Your post hit me deeply it is so similar to my experience Ifeel your loss. The replies I have seen offer some really good options, I lost my farther around the same time and I still think about him. You had such a great connection with your farther its is fantastic. Sadly when you lose someone it does leave a void which can't be filled because there is no one the same, with the same lived experience but what I found helped was to think of him on special occasions and thank him for what he had taught me and the guidance he gave me. Value the memory of such a special person and ask him what he do in everything you do.

  6. manpreetrockerji
    manpreetrockerji avatar
    11 posts
    27 September 2021 in reply to NoPlateZone
    Your post hit me deeply it's so almost like my experience Ifeel your loss. The replies I even have seen offer some specialized options, I lost my farther round the same time and that i still believe him. You had such an excellent reference to your farther its is astounding . Sadly once you lose someone it does leave a void which cannot be filled because there's nobody an equivalent , with an equivalent lived experience but what I found helped was to consider him on special occasions and thank him for what he had taught me and therefore the guidance he gave me. Value the memory of such a special person and ask him what he neutralize everything you are doing .
  7. Learn to Fly
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    Learn to Fly avatar
    215 posts
    1 October 2021 in reply to NoPlateZone

    Hi NoPlateZone

    How are you travelling? Hope you are doing sort of ok? Thought I might say “Hi” and check how are you feeling these days. Take care there.

  8. Mk2692
    Community Champion
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    Mk2692 avatar
    97 posts
    1 October 2021 in reply to NoPlateZone

    Hi NoPlateZone,

    Thanks for reaching out here and so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are having a hard time and a lot on your plate at the moment. It must've been tough going through that at a very young age and it's very understandable to feel like you are missing out on a lot of experiences with your dad. I'm glad you are seeing someone to talk through the difficulties that you are having. Although therapy is a great way to deal with the past, it does take time for you to heal and help resolve the problems you are facing. I think after having a baby, life gets busier and we don't have much time for ourselves. I think you might benefit from having more alone time to do more grounding activities such as yoga, deep breathing and meditation. Exercising is also a great way to help with your mental as well as physical health. Reach out to friends and family and let them know how you feel, they can help provide you with emotional support when needed. Hope that helps.

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