Soon to be one year ago I lost my ex-boyfriend/boyfriend to suicide, I have a lot of pain and guilt that is ruining me. There's also a story behind the reason I feel guilty. As many of his family, friends, specialists tell me it's not my fault I just can't seem to think otherwise. He had alot of mental health problems also, which is why we bonded as much as we did. I just feel empty, like there's a part of me missing, I don't feel as if I am ever going to find someone that i connect with or is as similar as me, and I don't want too. I miss him so much, I'm physically and mentally in pain every day, I even googled 'How to bring someone back to life' with the knowledge it's not possible, I check my messages everyday hoping I get a message from him saying it was all a joke (which I know it's not). I would never put my family through the pain I've been constantly feeling for the past year but I am in so such pain that I think about suicide constantly. I have PTSD plus many more diagnoses from this accident. The flashbacks, the nightmares every night, the deep depression, the memories are crippling me, every second of each day. 

 Medication/therapy isn't working for me, I don't know how to get over this, Or if I ever will. When does the pain go away? 

Hi lost I just wanted to say I'm so  sorry you are going through this I know it's hard and seems impossible to live with but eventually you will find a way.

I know you say therapy isn't working but maybe try something different so many different types of therapy something might help a lot of people don't realize so many therapy options all therapist are not the same.

Please take care and be kind to your self 

Hi Lost.  May I offer sincere condolences to you.  It's always difficult to comprehend when someone suicides.  Particularly when they don't seem to be suicidal.  If you are feeling somehow responsible for this, it's not your fault.  No matter what you may or may not have said, or done, he was in such a 'black' place, in pain, he couldn't deal with it any longer.  There is nothing you could've done that would've stopped him.  Take some comfort in the knowledge that he is no longer in that pain.  I understand how much you're missing him, perhaps you feel a bit guilty because you feel angry at what happened.  The anger you feel is quite a normal part of grief.  The guilt because of the anger is also normal.  Perhaps you could try writing him a letter, 'venting' if you like how much you miss him.  You could ask in the letter what could you have said or done to help him get out of the blackness that surrounded him.  Tell him how much you love him, light a candle for him on the anniversary day.  Obviously he didn't share too much about the pain he was in.  Perhaps he didn't want to burden you by telling you.  Can I ask if he was buried, if he was, could you visit his grave to talk to him.  Don't be embarrassed about crying for him, crying helps the healing.  If he was cremated, is there some sort of memorial for him you could visit.  As time goes by, the pain will ease.  There is no way of knowing how much time it will take.  We're all different in how we deal with pain and loss.  Light a candle on his birthday too. 

Are you seeing a Dr for a mild sedative to help with sleeping.  That's nothing to be ashamed of. 

Oh hunny im so sorry you r going thru this.  Loosing someone is never easy even more so when  u have had a deep connection with them. I can empathize with you bc i lost my soulmate she was like a sister to me back when iv was doing vce it was 1997. Remember that day like it was yesterday and yes I still grieve today but you need to believe me when i tell you that it does get easier. Don't despair his presence will always be with you n know my friend is always with me everyday.  At the time that i lost her therapy and medication didn't work for me either the only way iv found comfort to help me grieve was to attend her grave site and just sit by her side till i knew I could finally cope and accept the fact that she wasn't coming back.  This took many many years and the fact that she was from Sweden her parents took her back home after some time and now all i have is memories beautiful ones.  I know how hard this is right now but it does get easier as the days and years go by and i have no doubt in my mind that he would want to c uv happy again.  I hope this has helped please stay in touch with us. Venessa 

dear Lost, my sincere condolences for the loss of your boyfriend, no one could possibly imagine the pain it brings to someone they love, and no matter how close the two of you were, depression will still put a barrier between the two of you, one which is impossible to see through and one which no matter how much you both love each other will still remain silent.
The story behind why you feel so guilty as this maybe too hard for you to tell us, but can I say is that when our loved one is suffering so badly and inwardly from depression, is that whatever we we say and whatever we do to try and help them, may seem to be helpful for them, but we can't be sure that it is, because their mind is blocked off by this illness, and when you go to work or do some shopping then his real feelings come to surface and that's where we feel that we have let them down, because you come to realise that you are not there to support him.
To have loved him in every way possible is a credit to you, but we can't possibly have any love for depression, because it's an illness that takes over our mind, and as hard as we try and talk with him to try and pull him through can take a long time, because there are so many negative thoughts that go through a person's mind, which we may not know about.
Depression is no different than catching a fish, because it can't escape and is drawn in by an invisible line that has caught it, no different than how someone can get depression, and we do everything that we feel is possible to help them, but when something does happen we feel guilty.
You are suffering from PTSD as this will obviously happen, but you have to realise that you have had him much longer than if he didn't have you, and that's something to be proud of, but unfortunately a regret.
Please have trust in us all and do hope that we hear back from you. Geoff. x