dear Lost, my sincere condolences for the loss of your boyfriend, no one could possibly imagine the pain it brings to someone they love, and no matter how close the two of you were, depression will still put a barrier between the two of you, one which is impossible to see through and one which no matter how much you both love each other will still remain silent.
The story behind why you feel so guilty as this maybe too hard for you to tell us, but can I say is that when our loved one is suffering so badly and inwardly from depression, is that whatever we we say and whatever we do to try and help them, may seem to be helpful for them, but we can't be sure that it is, because their mind is blocked off by this illness, and when you go to work or do some shopping then his real feelings come to surface and that's where we feel that we have let them down, because you come to realise that you are not there to support him.
To have loved him in every way possible is a credit to you, but we can't possibly have any love for depression, because it's an illness that takes over our mind, and as hard as we try and talk with him to try and pull him through can take a long time, because there are so many negative thoughts that go through a person's mind, which we may not know about.
Depression is no different than catching a fish, because it can't escape and is drawn in by an invisible line that has caught it, no different than how someone can get depression, and we do everything that we feel is possible to help them, but when something does happen we feel guilty.
You are suffering from PTSD as this will obviously happen, but you have to realise that you have had him much longer than if he didn't have you, and that's something to be proud of, but unfortunately a regret.
Please have trust in us all and do hope that we hear back from you. Geoff. x