Hi,

I lost my dad to suicide yesterday morning. My mum found him in our backyard. It was unexpected and i woke up to my mums call, her voice was distraught and she was yelling "come home!". Since yesterday, I've felt like I'm in limbo. I go through phases of having clear thoughts, (like listing out what needs to be done, making sure i look after myself so i can look after my mum, consciously acknowledging my own grieving process) and periods of just staring at nothing, with nothing and everything thoughts swimming in my head.
It's only been just over a day since its happened so I think I'm still in somewhat shock, I let myself cry when i need to, and i try to verbalise my thoughts and feelings with mum, and she does the same with me. I'm concerned for my mum as she is the one who found the body, had to call the ambos, and had to perform cpr. I think she's still in shock too because when i ask her if she's having flashbacks or is that memory sort of haunting her, she says not really.
I feel odd, almost like i want to spiral into the emotional rollercoaster that i know is coming, just so i can get it over and done with? But i also know I can't force these things. So i'm just left with these conflicting thoughts in my head.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for by typing here, not so much condolences, more so people who have experienced something similar, and what their journey was? Maybe a story I can somewhat relate to or just some tips of how people got through their losses that are similar to mine.

Thanks

Hey di_yo

Thanks for reaching out here tonight. We are incredibly sorry for your loss, we can't imagine how upset and devastated you and your mum must be feeling. Please know that you're not alone here and there will be members of this community who can relate to what you're going through. Hopefully a few of them will pop by soon to offer words of support and kindness.

It sounds like you're in a really tough space and if you feel up to it, it might really help to be able to talk it out. Our lovely friends at Griefline  are available 6am-2am, everyday on 1300 845 745. They offer confidential counselling support, free of charge, to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief. One of the friendly counsellors will be able to offer you some support but can also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you might find beneficial.

Please also know that the lovely counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service are always available to talk through these feelings on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

We hope that you find some comfort here from our wonderful community, and please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

Hello di_yo

Im very sorry for the loss of your dad..You mentioned the 'emotional roller coaster'. This roller coaster is part of the recovery process...and being in shock there will be conflicting thoughts...

My big brother also ended his life and I still miss him..this is a awful time. I understand you di-yo

Sophie_M mentioned the caring people on Griefline who are available 6am-2am, everyday on 1300 845 745

a small support network can also be a huge help in this awful time (one or two close friends to talk to)

Please take your time and be gentle to yourself ...

Im Paul