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Forums / Grief and loss / Memories rattling around in my mind

Topic: Memories rattling around in my mind

19 posts, 0 answered
  1. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    18 August 2021

    Aren't you over your grief yet?

    Why are you still sad? Go and buy yourself something to cheer yourself up?

    Why are you upset on Mother's Day?

    You can't come to Church this week as we are celebrating so and sos baby and we don't want you there upsetting everyone and spoiling their happy moment.

    My sister in law asked for the maternity dress her parents had given me and wore it to family occasions for both her pregnancies. My husband had given it to her.

    We were told we couldn't possibly have Christmas at our place as we had no children.

    I was not invited to my sister in laws children's parties because I had no children.

    Church people got together for outings, picnics and family gatherings, I had no children so I was not invited.

    It is not just the loss of life, it is the loss of identity. Believing I am not good enough because my babies died.

    Did my past pregnancy loss cause these babies to die? How often have I asked myself if I brought this on myself.

    I tried grief counselling. I was told I was lucky not to have children. Another counsellor told me my babies died, they didn't even exist.

    Their anniversaries come and go.

    Last year my Dad died very unexpectedly. Old wounds of grief resurfaced. How do you deal with new grief when you have no idea what to do with the old?

    I sought counsel from a person I thought might be able to help. I was told "People die. That is what they do".

    I don't always know what to say to people either when a loved one dies or when they are in emotional pain due to some kind of loss. I just hope I have some compassion and can show sympathy even if I don't have the words to say.

    Getting these thoughts out of my mind has helped a little. Time to move on with my day.

    7 people found this helpful
  2. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10378 posts
    18 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Dear Mrs Dools~

    There is not much I can say.

    You have had tragedies in your life and the loss and grief does not subside. In part at least it is due to insensitive and non-understanding people who are not trying to make up for them, in fact not giving you the simple thoughtfulness and care you need

    Of course you are sensitive to this and see them clearly by their actions, having your feelings basically ignored rather than comforted.

    I always regard you as a resilient person -an example to follow. you have strategies you probably don't even think about that help, work at a thrift shop for a while, going for a walk and seeing all around you -plus much more

    I hope the day turns out well.

    Croix

    You would know what to say to someone to comfort them, you would be wise enough to often just sit beside them, no words needed or spoken

    Plus you have a lousy choice of counselors, they deal in words, and you can see more than that -care and commitment -are needed.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3219 posts
    19 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof
    Dools I'm just bookmarking you here as I wanted to say something yesterday and lost this thread. Back later and I'm so sorry people have been so insensitive to you. Hugs.
  4. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    19 August 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix and Hanna,

    Thanks.

  5. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3219 posts
    19 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Dools

    I couldn't have children so I really do understand what you describe here!

    I will reply properly later but there is a TEDx talk on utube called The lost tribe of childless women. It really is worth listening to.

    Sending big hugs in the meantime! I'll be in touch later today. 💖🌸🌻🌿💐

    1 person found this helpful
  6. jtjt_4862
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    19 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Heya Doolhof,

    Reaching out to you to let you know that I'm listening, and really sorry to hear about what the memories that are still rattling in your mind.

    I do agree that it's hard to know what to say to someone who have lost someone very dear to them. I remember I was trying to comfort a friend of mine who have lost her step mother. She lives in the other side of the world, and was not able to see her step mom whom she had loved very much. She felt a great sense of guilt and shame for not being able to spend time with her mom, and there was so much more going on in her life at that time. While I thought words of reminding her how much her step mom loves her, unfortunately that did not seem like the right words to comfort her because she told me a lot of friends had said the same thing, and she was sick of hearing it. It has taught me that, sometimes the words that we think others want to hear, might not be the right words for them. And perhaps the best kind of support, is to just be there to listen to them quietly, and encourage them to talk about it.

    Happy to chat with you more Doolhof, my thoughts are with you.

    Jt

  7. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3219 posts
    19 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Dools

    If you're able to listen to that talk I hope you might find what she says helpful and know that you're not alone in your experiences.

    My mother died of cancer when I was about 18. After that I had full care of my ill father until he died in front of me when I had just had surgery for a condition which meant that I could never have children.

    I came to terms with the loss of my parents long ago. The childlessness has been aong term grief.

    I don't know how your babies died. I am sorry.

    I've found people often insensitive about my childlessness and it's meant I was not accepted by my family. I was often left out of family gatherings.

    I once read a story by a woman who was unable to have children who went to church on Mothering Sunday and every woman who was a mother was given a white flower, but she was told because she had no children she could not have a flower.

    She said she went home and wept.

    There are many ways to nurture. You can nurture your friendships, your garden, your pets....

    You are no less worthwhile because you don't have children. You have had a lot of grief in your life.

    I guess that grief is something we have to live with but it doesn't mean we don't have times when it hits us again and again.

    Be gentle with yourself. You sound a kind and gentle person. This world needs such people in it.

    Hugs. 🌻🌿💐

  8. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1569 posts
    19 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Oh Dools 🌻

    your first line hit me hard and I have tears for us both. People do seem to think there’s a time to stop grieving and a time to stop talking about it, but I don’t think that’s true. Any kind of loss needs to be managed in the best way we can. Why aren’t people more empathetic? I’m glad you shared and found a little solace in getting the words out.

    More hugs, Katy

  9. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    12428 posts
    19 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Dools, Definitely no use by date for grief and appalled at how you have been treated over th years. Your grief is triggered many times a year.

    Thinking of you

  10. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    You are so right that grief does not have a use by date. I have some resources available now, I need to use them. Hopefully I can find ways to sit with the grief and the memories, to let go of the hurtful words of others and re-shape how I think about myself and how I define my role in life.

    Grief can express itself in so many ways for a variety of reasons.

    Thanks Quirky.

  11. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Yesterday was an anniversary of our son's birth/death. I felt I had no one here outside of BB that I could share that with. That made me sad.

    When my Dad died last year, I asked a friend if she could come and be with me until my husband returned home. She told me she had to go to the bank. I asked other friends, they said they weren't able to be with me. I had asked my husband to come home early to be with me and he said he was too busy in the city.

    It makes me sad when I feel there is no one outside of BB I can share with. Instead I stuff the sense of loss even deeper here in my real world.

    To all reading, if you know someone is hurting through loss and grief, tell them you don't know what to say if you have no words. Ask them how you can help them. Sit and have a cuppa with them. An awkward moment is better than that person feeling like no one gives a damn.

    Regards to all from Dools

  12. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna,

    Thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry to read of the journey your life has taken with your Mum dyeing when you were so young, looking after your Dad and being told you were unable to have children.

    Some people seem to think because you don't have children, you have made a selfish choice in life. That was very much the case when I was in my "Child bearing years"! I'm over 50 now, hopefully people's expectations seem to have changed regarding having children.

    One person went on and on one day why I didn't have children, so I gave them brief details of each babies death before birth and how after 5 very different scenarios the Drs decided my body could not manage another pregnancy.

    Regarding Mother's Day and Church, I used to roll up at Church, reach out for the flower at the door and take my seat. Quite often I would leave the service in tears, that was okay too.

    Thankfully I believe in God and not in the Christian values some people in Church hold on to. I was told I had not prayed hard enough and that is why my babies died. I need to let those words go.

    I have been blessed to know may children in my life.

    I thank you for your kind words, your care and understanding. I hope you have something special to do today, even if it is staying home and being extra kind to yourself!

    Kindest regards from Dools

  13. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi Jt,

    You are right, it can be so very hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving. I know I have said words that are totally wrong, inadequate or even hurtful to the person.

    I do realise that people do not say these things on purpose to hurt us...then again, with some people I do wonder what their intentions are!

    Asking a grieving person what they need and want it helpful. I also know that when you are overwhelmed in grief you don't always know what you want or need either! The best we can do it to let a person know that we care.

    These thoughts that are rattling around in my mind, the people who have said the words that I have found hurtful, might not even realise how much of a painful impact they have had on me! So I need to accept how I feel and find ways to move on.

    Other family member's children are of similar ages to the ages my children would have been if they had lived. It has been difficult at times celebrating their birthdays knowing my children did not have the opportunity to live.

    I'm trying to accept I don't know what to say so I shouldn't expect others to know what to say either. I just wish some people were a little more thoughtful and so darn dismissive.

    There are so many wonderful, caring people here. Thankyou to you and to all. May we all have comapssion for others when it is needed.

    Regards form Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Thanks for your kind words. Everyone experiences grief differently, even if you have had a similar circumstance, we all feel that loss in your own individual way.

    One of my co worker's daughter is having her first baby. I am excited for them. I have shared a little of my story with my co-workers. She told me she knew what I meant about issues with pregnancy as she had pregnancy problems. Her babies all lived! Her daughter is now having a baby! It isn't quite the same.

    I guess we learn who cares and who has no idea at all.

    Hope you have an okay kind of day today Katy, cheers from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  15. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    12428 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Dools

    it is true we tend to remember the words that others have sad that upset us and not the helpful words.
    I too have out my foot in my mouth despite my good intentions and said the wrong thing,

    .I used to say I don’t know what to say because no words feel adequate to express grief.

    I can not imagine how hard it was looking at your nieces and nephews growing up while remembering your own children .

    I hope writing here expressing your emotions and thoughts has helped in some small way.

    Thinking of you .

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thanks for your reflective, caring words.

    Yes, it has been difficult and rewarding at the same time watching nieces and nephews grow up.

    It has helped to share here on the forum and to get some of those memories out of my mind where they rattle around, gather up other negative and unhelpful memories and turn into a turmoiled mess of darkness.

    Sometimes I need more than to just writing in a journal. It helps me to realise my thoughts and feelings have been validated by someone, that what I am experiencing is real and does deserve to be listened to. That helps me to then move on!

    It does not mean I am having a pity party! I really dislike that term! Hurt acknowledged is hurt that can be healed for me.

    So thank you to all who have connected here with me. I greatly appreciate it.

    2 people found this helpful
  17. July
    July avatar
    242 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Mrs Dools,

    Why do people think grief has an expiry date ? or thinking what has happened in our lives does not profoundly affect us and continue to affect us through remembrances of certain dates . You have commented many times on my posts and given me so much strength and comfort, that is what a mother does , and you are a mother to your precious babies that have not been able to stay on earth but forever in your heart . LIfe can be cruel , why... we don't know ? , but here on these forums I have seen a wonderful, empathic and beautiful soul, who any child would be so blessed to have as a mother , so hold your head high. I am blessed to have four children but also have had miscarriages and those unborn losses are no less important to me than my living children , and I to remember them always . I always wonder why bad things happen to wonderful people , maybe its true God does not give us more than we can handle , but I have also very much doubted that theory throughout my life .

    Stay true to yourself and what you have given to others , you have shown real commitment and value to this world , and I hope you have a happy life ..you deserve it.

    July

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    20 August 2021 in reply to July

    Hello July,

    Thank you so very much for your kind, caring and much appreciated words. I do know there are aspects of my life I am very thankful for. I know that the death of my babies has also helped to shape me into the person I am, in a good way.

    Having experienced broken dreams, deaths, unexpected funerals and all that goes with the death of a child, has helped me be sensitive to the pain other people experience.

    I'm sorry to read of your miscarriages. I believe my children are in heaven and I will see them one day. When I think of my children, I think of them as being the age they would be had they lived.

    I know people who no longer have contact with their children for one reason or another. I know this happens in life for a variety of reasons. It makes me feel sad this has happened to them. Like you wrote, life can be cruel.

    Thank you again for your kind words.

    Life can be tough for so many of us for such a variety of reasons. Thinking of you also July and wishing you acceptance and happy moments too. Regards from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    21 August 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Hanna,

    Thanks for the suggestion to watch "The Lost Tribe of Childless Women". I have just viewed it. I found it to be interesting, informative and helped to feel a greater connection to other women in the same situation.

    It has also made me wonder how many single men and same sex couples are also out there in our world, grieving due to their own dreams of being a parent not existing.

    Childlessness must effect a huge proportion of our communities.

    At one stage we looked into adoption. Way back then we were told it would cost between 20 to 30 thousand dollars. Even then it was not guaranteed.

    I don't like to think of a child deserving of love, care and a home should have a price on their head. That is just how the system worked. I don't know if it is different now.

    Thanks again for the information about the you tube clip. It helped.

    Kind regards and wishing you a day of peace and hope from Dools

    1 person found this helpful

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