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Forums / Grief and loss / My beautiful boy

Topic: My beautiful boy

20 posts, 0 answered
  1. clocktower
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    4 posts
    23 May 2015
    Last Tuesday my darling son passed away from depression.  Today is one week since he was laid to rest and today has been an awful day.
    2 people found this helpful
  2. HA1
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    23 May 2015 in reply to clocktower

    Clocktower

    Oh My God!

    Thank you for reaching out to us.  I just could not imagine what you are going through. But that you have posted, gives me strength to believe that maybe we can help you through this.  

    I have suffered depression, anxiety, etc., for a long time.  That is fine, but I have been struggling with my adult children going through some terrible trauma at present. 

    If I can help by just listening or sharing, then please get back to me.  

    My heart and feelings are with you - like right now.  As I ponder how my child is dealing with the log term trauma that she is face with, and the effect on this beautiful sensitive child of mine.

    Please ... take care of yourself and, if you would like, share a little bit more about yourself and your son.

    Love

    K

    2 people found this helpful
  3. clocktower
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    23 May 2015 in reply to HA1
    Thank you K, i have been lying here in my bed alone and i just can not sleep.  I try to think of happy things but all i can think of is Alex and how he must have been suffering.  The last day that i saw his beautiful eyes with life in them was on mother's day.  He acted as he always did with me making me laugh, we played a boring game of checkers just because i asked him to and then he was gone out the door to do his regular things.  He passed away two days later due to a self inflicted act that he carried out that night.  I have had one person tell me he was selfish and i can't count how many people ask am i ok.  Quite simply i am not ok and could easily join my boy if not for my two girls.  It is awful to know that your child is suffering, Alex kept things from me so if you know of your daughter's pain you can go through it with her but if she says she doesn't need you don't believe it because she does.  Alex once said a little to me about his pain and i assured him i was here for him, his reply was i know you are mum but you can't help me.  I am devastated and have no one to talk to that really understands , i have a good neighbor who can do physical things for me but no one to help mentally so it is good to know that people care even if i have never met them.  Take good care please and know that you and your daughter are in my prayers .xx 

    beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

  4. July
    July avatar
    190 posts
    24 May 2015 in reply to clocktower

    Dear clocktower,

    I am so sorry you have lost your precious boy to suicide, as a mother myself I can't imagine the grief you are going through and yes you need to talk to someone, beyond blue is a great start and Im sure they can connect you to the right person so you can express all the feelings and emotions you are feeling.

    Be rest assured there is nothing you could have done to prevent this but that is no solace at this time. I am sure you feel a part of you has gone to and yes thats normal, he was and is your child, no matter what age.

    Alex was not selfish, suffering depression is life altering and of course he did not choose to feel that way and it affects everyone in different ways , I know he would have been comforted by your  love and as a mum all we want to do is nurture,protect and love our children at all costs.

    Honour his memory and life by your strength and love of him , you now have a journey to travel with this loss, his sisters still need their mum to and you need support to mourn your son in which ever way is best for you.

    Every life is precious, and Alex made his own decision, it does not reflect on you or your worth as a mother, he is free of his pain and that is your only console, to now treasure the happy times and celebrate his life, the one you gave him and to love him for all eternity.

    I wish you peace during this time.

    July 

    1 person found this helpful
  5. HA1
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    25 May 2015 in reply to clocktower

    Hi Clocktower

    I wonder how you are today (and apologies for not getting back to you sooner)? 

    It sounds like you don't have the support network that is so important to help you when you need it.  What about family?  Have you seen a trauma counsellor (or similar).  It does help a lot to talk thing through and to be able to share with someone face to face.  I share with my psych all the things that worry me. And then of course I have this wonderful network of people on Beyondblue, as you do.  So please share your pain on here - doing so anonymously, is a good way of helping yourself. 

    It does worry me when you say that if it was not for your daughters, you could easily join your beautiful boy.  Please, when you really feel down and sad, pick up the phone and call the support team here at Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636 - they are here 24/7 for you.

    Thank you so much for your kind words regarding my own issues - it is very much appreciated. 

    I would really be happy if you got back to me here and let me know how you are going.

    Please take care of yourself and your daughters.

    K

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Mz13114
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    25 May 2015 in reply to clocktower

    To Clocktower,

    I'm so sorry your beautiful son passed away. My beautiful son, Angus, passed on in Jan. 2014. Nothing can stop the agony and I will forever be broken and have such pain that I sometimes feel is so overwhelming. I am still here and I am a different person now. I never stop loving Gus and I will always share my experiences with him to people I feel comfortable with.

    I isolated myself when Gus died and I found it hard hearing well meaning family and friends try to ' put things in perspective' . I also felt I would follow if it wasn't for my daughter or my dog. I did end up seeing a grief councellor, then another because sometimes its hard to open up to someone. The thing that had been so important to me about not wanting to go on and realising that wasn't going to happen was speaking to someone at Compassionate Friends, (can I say that here?).

    I don't want my son's life to be fully defined by his illness and how he died. He is so much more than that and I will speak of him all the time. I learn't the hard way to stop my silent isolation and I hope we can hear about your beautiful son. I hope I haven't upset you further. The people on here have helped me to say whatever I need and I am still here, sometimes unwillingly, other times with a different view on life that has helped me to be unafraid to learn to live with such a severed heart but learn different things.

    I have only recently discovered this BB site, Being alone was good at times but I am ticked off, although glad to know there are people who have broken and scarred hearts and yet also have compassion to give. The pain and the love is getting me through one day, one night. I will be thinking of you and hoping you be compassionate to yourself more than ever right now.

    Thank you for telling us about your beautiful son. I'm so sorry for the unimaginable pain you are in. I hope you cry, yell, scream, laugh or whatever and talk of your son whenever you want.

    Please take care and never hesitate to call BB or other numbers. I hope your daughters are surviving as well.

    Sincerely,

    Mz13114.

  7. Mz13114
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    25 May 2015 in reply to clocktower

    I just want to add Clocktower,

    I spoke to my son the day before he took his life, we were very close and he had been getting 'help' from a mental health psych. He was in such good spirits and I always ended my constant talks with him by telling him that I loved him and always call if you need to. He was getting married and had not only a loving partner but also a dog that he adored.

    I will never forget saying to his Dad, I know Gus gets upset and burdened by things he can't change but thank heavens he has his dog Doris with him to take for walks and love unconditionally. That was the morning of the day he died.

    I still wake a lot and have dreams and thoughts of the pain he must have been in. I would dread going to sleep, dread waking up and I had a woman tell me on a city train one day, I was doing a course with her, how selfish my son was. I realised then, through my intense anger, that I don't need to hear that rubbish. I spoke my mind and I still feel I need to fight for my son, to try and change the irrational stigma that all sorts of people have.

    Our Gus was not selfish, he shone brightly in his short life and the pain must have been unbearable. I tell Gus every day how sorry I am, I had failed him and my guilt will never go but it has motivated me to believe that Gus always wanted the best for us. I went back to nursing school, to meet other people and of course I'm always asked how many children do I have. I will always say what happened, not in full detail, but I will never say nothing.

    Some days I get really angry at the language used in school. I have learn't to speak my truth but can be more assertive than aggressive. I have sisters and brothers who 'can't see me' since Gus died because it is too upsetting for them. This was about a week after his funeral and it was a shock to the 'elder' of our family when I said I just don't care about their 'feelings'.

    I can't say things get better all the time, I have those hideous days still, but it is OK so long as we let someone know that it's a bad one. I paint and draw my son with his happy family and I never thought that would help. I've called John Faine, spoken to Headspace about Gus and even written letters re our over burdened mental health service. It helped me to know I deserved to be heard and I deserve to be in pain. I don't think i'll be happy the way I used to, but I am laughing sometimes again, and sharing Gus' life with those of us who never want to forget about him.

    My daughter and their Dad don't want to talk about Gus and I know I can't be responsible for their grief. I couldn't say any of this to them as everyone does it different. I'm sorry for going on but I so understand, from my life, I know yours is a pain I can't fully know, I just know that my pain had and still does cause me such hurt. I have a saying at school when we try to ' study grief'  that I wouldn't wish this pain on someone I really despised.

    Then I have learnt of others here who have had such horrific traumas, I don't compare but know their is so much loss and grief in all forms and yet they have reached out to me and shared their pain.

    Your son Alex, and my son Gus may have given enough and endured enough pain. I can't accept it yet there are times, after waking from my usual terror, that I tell myself there is no more pain for you and Only three times have I had a vivid dream of Gus sharing with me, and hugging me and seeing him fine.

    I don't question these things but treasure those dreams. On good days I play his music and have a laugh at the good times. Other days I wallow but I know I get self destructive if I don't talk about it. I promise, no more from me now. I just hope you be caring to yourself, that's what Alex wants. I know Gus would want that for me. I can't say it gets better and acceptance has happened. Rubbish. But I can't bring him back, makes me scream sometimes, but I am learning to live a different way, as much as I don't want to, and keeping my son and the gift of loving him here for 23 years is my most precious treasure.

    Of course I love my daughter dearly and like you said Clocktower, she might say she is OK but I don't hesitate talking about  things. Thank you so much for sharing, I am so upset that you have had to say goodbye to Alex. Life gets really different but my Gus would be proud that I don't take crap from uncaring family and friends any more.That is just my family. I know not all families are as hung up as mine.

    Ignorance becomes fear and really silly and irrational sometimes.

    I hope you get some sort of solace and help on here. Be kind to yourself as your son would want you to be.

    Mz13114

  8. Mz13114
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    26 May 2015 in reply to HA1

    To K.

    I'm not up with forum etiquette here, I hope it's OK to reply to a post you sent to Clocktower. I got a lot out of your post and am glad to have read it. You express yourself in such a helpful way and once again, I just don't experience such honesty and humility. Is this due to my mind finally opening up instead of cynically dismissing it all.

    I have shared more here over the past three days than I have in the past 15 months. I'm tentatively using the word hope here. Have avoided it ever since Gus died, but to know people are surviving and giving and sharing their lives for nothing in return is such a good thing in this world.

    Thanks for letting me share.

    Mz13114

  9. HA1
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    27 May 2015 in reply to Mz13114

    Hi Mz13114

    thank you so much for your lovely feedback.  It warms my heart knowing that you took something away from my post.  

    I am glad that you have found your time on here valuable and have been able to open up.  I hope to hear more from you.

    take care

    k

  10. Mz13114
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    28 May 2015 in reply to HA1

    Hi K.

    Thank you.

    Mz.

  11. Cymru
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    28 May 2015 in reply to clocktower

    My son suicide earlier this year. Nick was 22. But our pain will be our own and I don't mean to suggest any comparison. There are no words. My commiserations.

    Russell

     

  12. Neil_1
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    29 May 2015

    Dear all

     

    To all the wonderful people who have posted on this thread over recent times, my heart goes out to you all – and though I’ve suffered my own losses, none of them have been through suicide.

     

    I just wanted make a quick comment here if I may, in a response to something that Mz13114 wrote above:   “I spoke my mind and I still feel I need to fight for my son, to try and change the irrational stigma that all sorts of people have.”

     

    I believe there is a big stigma over suicide, just as there is over depression and other mental health issues, but perhaps suicide is larger than the others;  as we know, there is a giant push out in the community to better educate the public over mental health issues.  I think it’s time that suicide is taken to the streets as well.

     

    My daughter (14yo) recently had to do some research into Mental Health for a subject at her school.  She chose to interview me and she even composed her own questions – it was a video kind of interview – I made dot points of my answers to the questions prior, so I could roll along and not be sitting there like a rabbit in the headlights;  and we both felt it went really well.

     

    But in one part, I spoke about the stigma about suicide (as mentioned I haven’t been directly affected at all) but in the course of my answer, I really welled up, but kept going.  I commented about how the person is suffering so terribly each and every day from this disease of depression and the like, that the only hope that they can see is to terminate things – they’ve tried hard in so many other ways and yet, the demons in their mind just make living next to being unbearable – and only those who are going through such torment would ever know the true pain and torture.   I spoke that in no way EVER are their actions of selfishness and I would challenge every time anyone who says that it is.  They were just at their wits end and it was their only way of getting release.

     

    It is without doubt, shocking, horrible, terrible and so very very tragic, but it is not selfish.

     

    I do hope that as days, weeks, months go by, that each of you continue to be as positive as you possibly can – there’s going to be down times and very tough times ahead, no question, but keep your support mechanisms in place.

     

    As always, keep posting here – this community is absolutely wonderful.

     

    Kind regards

     

    Neil

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Mz13114
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    2 June 2015 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi Neil,

    That was so good to read. I don't ever want to lessen anyone else's loss but I am so rapt that your daughter is doing an assignment, research, on mental health. The silence over suicide and the lack of funding for mental health is a tragedy in this enlightened country.

    When my son died, I even had someone in my family tell me; He's not Jesus, you know? What that meant is still a mystery to me. We have to talk about this stuff and I hope we become a more compassionate world.

    Some days I can't stop asking Why? Other days I even tolerate people needing to put their spin on it. The silence and fear that is around this stuff only adds to the pain people suffer. We have to be mindful of so many things and I hope that I can always be willing to learn and yes, there is hope when I hear of young teenage women taking the initiative to do what your daughter has done.

    17 months on from my son's death and the pain and unintentional burden left on his 'olds', sister, partner and friends is still ongoing. Wish I new what to do. I am sorry to harp on, but I hope more people will be able to get help and help others.

    Thanks. Mz.

  14. Neil_1
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    3 June 2015

    Hi there Mz

     

    Thank you for your latest response – it was great to read.

     

    I have an idea of what that person meant with regard to the jesus comment, but if it’s what I think it is, then it’s one of those stereotypical remarks about suicide and someone with no (or next to no) compassion at all.   Someone who should simply say nothing because they should fear that someone else will think them a moron, instead of opening their mouth and removing all doubt about that.  Sorry a bit harsh there, but people like that … grrrrrrr.

     

    My daughter has an in-class exam today, but in the shape of having to write an essay:   On the subject of if you discovered or thought that a friend of yours was suffering from a mental illness, what would you do?   Or something along those lines – she was able to put together a list of dot points for the opening, para 1 and para 2 and then the summary and showed them to me.  It almost bought tears to my eyes, as she was so close to the mark – as a 14yo, I didn’t know whether to be incredibly proud or to be the complete opposite – being the complete opposite, because without me suffering from what I have on a daily basis, she wouldn’t have known what to put.  So I guess looking at that, YAY, there’s been a bit of a good coming out of my illness.

     

    It’s now 17 months on – I’m not sure if you’re the kind of person who journals things or likes to write – but I know for me, doing that kind of thing did help.   To begin with I journaled things – just typed them up as to how I was feeling – weekly and sometimes on a daily basis – sometimes not much and sometimes heaps.

     

    I then gathered lots more of my writings and such and merged it all together into a kind of list of chapters, that I’ve now inserted into a manuscript about my life story and my battle with the Black Dog.

     

    I’m not suggesting you go this far, unless of course you would like too, but it might be something to help you at this time or possibly something to try in the future?

     

    Just a thought.

     

    Neil

  15. vicman
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    10 posts
    3 June 2015
    I’m so sorry clocktower. I attempted suicide twice over the years and often wished I had succeeded. Be at peace with you Son knowing he has no regrets and feels no pain.

    beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

  16. HA1
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    4 June 2015 in reply to clocktower

    Hi Clocktower

    Its been a while since we heard from you.  I was wondering how you are feeling now.

    It would be great to hear back from you!

    Take care

    K

  17. Mz13114
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    4 June 2015 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi Neil,

    Yeah I don't see my sister so much now and have had some doozy arguments with her weird views on life and death. I was writing a lot early after Gus left us but I got really depressed and pretty crazy for a bit. I have kept some of my poems and experiences and I always believe I will write again.

    I wrote on the ABC Open, In Memory Of project and got an article printed in the Age early in the year which really helped me understand that my grief and how I keep my love going for my son is my own and it is special to me. I should have said a letter to the Age, not an article. Music is really important in my life and although I used to study classical piano when younger I only strum around on the guitar now.

    You must be so proud of your daughter. So many of us have mental health illnesses and with places like BB there will always be the possibility of changing the old stigma thinking and understand that it isn't a shameful, moral failing but an illness like diabetes is an illness.

    My daughter is 27 now and I'm so scared for her and how she is travelling. Can't even begin to say whats going on, just that I love her, and try to help without the codependence. A positive day for her today and I'm grateful for that. We were both singing out loud, in the car, that old Billy Bragg song - Waiting for the Great Leap Forward.......Ha.

    Cheers,

    Mz.

  18. Neil_1
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    5 June 2015

    Hey Mz

     

    Yes, I’m incredibly proud of my daughter – and my son also – can’t be forgetting him either.  :)   Very proud of both.  :)

     

    I’m going to be looking forward to reading her essay as well as finding out how well she scored as well.

     

    Those times in cars can be very memorable – things like that can be really awesome between a father and son or daughter.

     

    Don’t know about you, but sometimes we’ve been on holidays and we’ve been in a car driving and you hear a particular song on and at the time, it’s kind of a special place where you’re either driving to or from.   THEN ages down the track, you hear that song again and you can recall that ‘other time’ when you heard that song – always brings a smile to my face.

     

    Well, the long weekend is just about upon us, so hope you have an enjoyable and relaxing one.

     

    Neil

  19. clocktower
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    10 February 2019 in reply to HA1

    Look how long it's been and I still feel the same. I see the world progressing as it should but I don't understand why I'm still part of it. I just wish life would get better but all that's happened is I'm still living. I don't have a clue as to why I have to be here still. But thank you for caring.

  20. HA1
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    11 February 2019 in reply to clocktower

    Hello Clocktower

    Yes its been a while! I also have not been very active on the forum over the last few years. But I saw your post and thought I would pop in and say hello.

    It does sound like you are doing it hard. But I hope you are doing your best to look after your physical and mental health during this time. I hope also that you have some form of support network to help you through the grieving. I mentioned in an early post that it might help to talk to a grief counselor and/or psychologist.

    Take care and, again, look after yourself.

    Regards

    K

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