Your post hit me to my core as I came here for the very reason you are....the answer to "WHY"....I am so beyond sorry that you have had to go through this most traumatic time, I dont think as a parent it gets worse than this. From my heart I am so beyond sorry this has happened to you and to your family.
I lost my brother who was 19 in July last year, my father will never be the same, I have changed too and our family is ..well different now.
I want to start by saying this is NOT YOUR FAULT, that there was actually nothing you could have done differently on that day to make the outcome different. I have learnt that here, that by talking to survivors of suicide that this is such a personal and private journey and of course...had you have known you would have shifted the earth to change the outcome. I hope that you can hear that, that this is not your fault.
We too had no idea, not one clue, not one sign so I share with you the shock of not only losing your beautiful daughter but the way in which she passed also. The shock is so very horrific and so very confronting and while your journey of healing is just beginning, I can tell you from being 6 months further down the track that the shock does settle.
People also say time heals all wounds, I don't believe that to be true, I believe in time, you come to accept that the pain will be with you and you learn to have it with you as part of the new version of who you are, I have found to be true for me that we wont be the same again, we are coping but we are different.
I also have sought councelling and while I understand that it is not for everyone I found it to be one of the keys in my journey of understanding suicide, of learning about suicide. I hope you consider finding a grief counsellor and seeing if it can help you and your family too. I had to learn how to have a conversation with my step mother as I didn't agree with her "blaming" but I had to learn about what it must be like for a mother to lose her son/child, that it was not my role to agree but to listen, to acknowledge and let her be heard and not judge her.
Being here and talking and sharing and hearing other people's stories and how they are managing and coping, as well as talking to survivors of suicide has been invaluable to me.
I am almost running out of characters here but writing, get it all out...is the key to my healing too....
My heart goes out to you and I hope to chat some more to you.