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Forums / Grief and loss / my fiance took his own life

Topic: my fiance took his own life

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. Purpleheart1
    Purpleheart1 avatar
    1 posts
    5 January 2021

    I'm not sure why I am here or what I hope to gain from this. I just felt the need to reach out. It's been three weeks now since my fiance took his own life. He was an amazing person and was so kind, generous, thoughtful and lifted me up in my darkest days.

    My fiance was the type of guy that made his presence felt wherever he went. Although he struggled with depression due to so many physical injuries he had sustained and through COVID, he always had faith that things would get better. We spent every day together, laughing dancing, going for walks... he'd pick me flowers and leave notes daily to show me he loved me.

    The night before he passed I sensed he was low. He said he just needed to sleep it off and he'd be fine the next day. So in the morning I gave him a big hug and he reassured me he was feeling better. That was the last time I saw him.

    The guilt I have has consumed me. How did I not see the signs? Why didn't I save him.? I shoud NOT have gone to work that day. Why didn't he call and talk to someone? He left a note saying he was too proud that he hated himself and the world is better without him. So untrue. Everyone can't believe it. He was the happiest, silliest person. So full of life. So motivational to all.

    I don't know what to do with myself. I'm low. I feel like I shouldn't be here. If I could trade places with him I would. He was the love of my life and spent every single day making me feel amazing. And just like that, he's gone.

    I feel hollow. Empty. What is the point of life? I don't understand? I feel guilt and pain that is indescribable. I have been through loss before. I lost my father when I was 16. I thought I knew what pain was but this is a different level. He said he would always be by my side and that I was the reason he could smile every day. I failed him. And now my life is empty... hollow... numb.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6824 posts
    5 January 2021 in reply to Purpleheart1
    Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Purpleheart, 

    We're so glad you've chosen to reach out this afternoon, and we hope that our community can help you to navigate this very painful period. We're so sorry to hear about the loss of your fiance, we can hear how important he is to you and how loving he was. We acknowledge your feelings of guilt but please know that you cannot be held accountable for your partner's actions. You can only trust what your partner was telling you which was that he was feeling better, you could not have predicted what would've occurred. 

    We hope that you can turn to your loved ones for some support during this tough time. Although if you'd prefer to reach out to a counsellor, we'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.

    If you feel you would benefit from more ongoing support, we’d also encourage you to get in in touch with us via our Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport and we can provide you with some advice on how to do this, and talk through some options to help you through your loss. You are also welcome to call tonight, or anytime that you are feeling overwhelmed and need some support. It can be very grounding to talk this through with someone.

    You might also be interested in our page on “Grief and Loss” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/grief-and-loss

    We're really grateful that you decided to reach out here tonight. Hopefully, a few of our community members will come by to welcome you to our friendly online community. 
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16455 posts
    6 January 2021 in reply to Purpleheart1

    Hello Purpleheart1, I feel so devastated for your loss, it certainly is unexpected and it breaks my heart, my utmost sympathy because there are times when all we want to do is pretend that everything is OK, and not focus or say anything to the person we love so much because it's not your fault and to reassure you there are many on this site that know how you are feeling.

    Please don't punish yourself by asking questions because of how you feel now, you won't be able to answer them, but discuss them with a psychologist, take your time, you need to adjust slowly, again my condolences with all my sincerity.

    I can feel your pain and want to help you as much as we can, along with others who reply back to you.

    My Best wishes to you.

    Geoff.

  4. sunnyl20
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    sunnyl20 avatar
    208 posts
    6 January 2021 in reply to Purpleheart1

    Hello Purpleheart1,

    I am so sorry to hear about your fiance. He sounds like he had such a beautiful nature and had a lot of love for you. I cannot imagine the pain and distress you are experiencing. It sounds like the grief has been completely overwhelming and consuming. Please try not to blame yourself for what has happened though, this is much easier said than done, but you are truly not to blame for what has happened. You did everything that you could and it sounds like it was completely unexpected. Suicide can happen without seeing any warning signs. It is not your fault. The "what if" thoughts must be agonising, I cannot imagine how much you must be hurting, and I wish I could make this easier for you, please give yourself the time and the space that you need to grieve. Try not to isolate yourself, be kind to yourself and please do not hesitate to talk more on these forums if and when you are feeling up to it.

    I am really glad that you felt able to reach out on these forums. Please know that this space is here for you, and we are here to listen.

    Take care.

  5. Descendinggal
    Descendinggal avatar
    3 posts
    22 January 2021 in reply to Purpleheart1
    Me too I’m in the same boat, I know what you’re going through and I feel like you would know what I’m going through.
    It’s so painful and hard every day. Maybe we can connect some time. Sending you love x
  6. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16455 posts
    23 January 2021 in reply to Descendinggal

    Hello Descendinggal, we feel so sorry for you and although the end is such an unfortunate and terrible and definitely sad outcoming for you, Purpleheart1 and many others, each one of you has different circumstances that are so important for yourselves and may slightly differ, that's why we try and urge you to feel comfortable if you want to open up to us.

    Please remember that all of us have had to struggle through our own type of depression and want to be more than happy if you want to open up.

    Perhaps do you know how to start your own thread, if I can say click on 'All Posts' and a group of titles will appear, choose which one suits you and on the right, it will say 'Post a New Thread'.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  7. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    926 posts
    23 January 2021 in reply to Purpleheart1

    Hi there PurpleHeart

    I'm sorry to hear this. That is truly tough. I haven't got many words to say on top of what others have said here.

    As someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts I always find stories of people who are bereaved by it to be a bit heavy - but perhaps in a good way. It's perhaps a reminder that people are deeply grieved by it. So I ask myself the following question "who would be destroyed by my ending my own life" and even if there was only 1 person in life, even if i was alone in the world and had sporadic interactions with people then they are the people who would be affected.

    Perhaps that allowed me to put out more good, more sporadic humour, more happiness, more goodness. Small things matter hey?

    I haven't got much else to say other than to thank you. I'm actually close to tears of relief because you sharing this story is healing for me. It may sound odd, but it's the truth. I'm glad you feel open to share it here and I do hope you are able to process what comes next.

  8. Sweesoft
    Sweesoft avatar
    60 posts
    28 January 2021 in reply to Purpleheart1
    I am so sorry for your loss, I can feel your pain. Please don't blame yourself for what happened, it's not your fault. give yourself time to grieve and please talk to your friends and family for support. It really is important.
  9. Descendinggal
    Descendinggal avatar
    3 posts
    1 February 2021 in reply to geoff
    Thanks I tried with my own but no one really jumped in. Thanks for suggesting anyway
  10. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16455 posts
    2 February 2021 in reply to Descendinggal

    Hello Descendinggal, I am deeply sorry this happened because there are many important days people want to express their own sorrow, and to them, you, in this case, it's a grief you can feel over for a period of time, and this can never be predicted and is impossible how someone should expect how you should recover.

    Finding another person to share your love with, takes time and the confidence to be sure you can open up to them, hesitate of what type of reaction you will receive.

    It does break my heart to know that you aren't allowed to verbally share your tears with other people going through their own type of depression, my apologies.

    Please take care.

    Geoff.

  11. sunny6
    sunny6 avatar
    6 posts
    11 May 2022 in reply to Purpleheart1
    Hi Purpleheart1. Thank you for writing and sharing about the loss of your wonderful fiance. You sound like a very loving and caring person. Your fiance loved you very much. I have experienced how it feels to lose a loved one to suicide, and it is extremely painful, & one of the most shocking things to go through. I still ask "why?" but there is no answer, and no reason for it. I've searched high and low for answers, but could find none. Are you feeling any better these days? I read in a small booklet received from my church, an article about 'A grief like no other", & that it is often impossible to help and prevent someone taking their own life, no matter how hard we may try. And that "human beings are fragile...being deeply beloved is no guarantee against suicide." You are in my thoughts and prayers. From Sunny6
  12. LYCB
    LYCB avatar
    11 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to Purpleheart1

    Your post broke my heart. I am so sorry for you loss, but I don’t know what else to say as I feel exactly as you do. The guilt I feel after my husband’s death is overwhelming.

    I hope you are also getting support outside of this forum. I’ve been given resources to different suicide bereavement support groups and I am more than happy to send you what I have.

    People tell me to try to remember the love and happiness rather than the lasts moments but I don’t know if that helps, I’m really struggling with this myself. Please reach out if you want to chat. X

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