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Forums / Grief and loss / my mum died and i miss her badly.

Topic: my mum died and i miss her badly.

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. shesawallflower
    shesawallflower avatar
    5 posts
    5 April 2019
    Im 28 years old and my mum died VERY EXEXPECTEDLY with a massive stroke/brain annerysm in November 2017. It was quite confronting as my brother, dad and I sat with her for days in ICU on life support completly unconcious where we told we had to turn it off. It all went so fast and we just had to deal with what happend. Its been a year and a half but Im feeling like the grief is becoming a little harder. People who have/are experiencing greif. How long does it last? I know there is no right or wrong answer and I know everyone is different. But im just so mentally tired and drained from being so sad and not letting go. My boyfriend has been so supportive, I think its so unfair for him that I am so emotional all the time.
  2. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1618 posts
    5 April 2019 in reply to shesawallflower

    Hi shesawallflower

    I am really sorry for the loss of your mum. I know it's really hard to let go and I know it cuts deep.

    I lost my dad unexpectedly to a massive heart attack, so I understand your feelings of shock and disbelief. Then comes the realisation of how unfair it all is, and heaps of anger, saddness and emptiness.

    It took me two years to feel normal again after my Dad died. I actually found it really hard to let go of my grief because it felt like a betrayal of him, like somehow I was letting go of him.

    It helped to write about him. I wrote down funny stories, little details about his personality, character and habits and many little things that I wanted to be sure I would never forget. I also stuck photos and some momentos onto the pages.

    When I was done, I felt like I had "him" in my journal and somehow it was okay to let the grief go because I would always have him in my journal.

    I hope this makes sense to you.

    I want you to know that it's okay to grieve. Everybody is different and it's a very personal process. But please believe me, you will get to the light. And, when you do, you can live your best life. The life your mum would want for you.

    Kind thoughts to you

    2 people found this helpful
  3. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    5 April 2019 in reply to shesawallflower

    Dear Shesawallflower

    Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about your loss as we all have experienced loss in some way.

    My mom died nearly 20 years ago and I still miss her. Not with the gut wrenching hurt I had at the beginning but sometimes hard to manage. Moms are special people in our lives and when they pass away suddenly it is a huge shock to the system. My mom slipped over leaving a pensioner Christmas party (in the UK) and was taken to hospital. She died on Christmas Day while I was in Australia so I did not get the chance to say goodbye.

    No matter how sudden or unexpected it is when someone we love passes away, it still hurts. It does get better I promise you, but not all at once. Gradually the grief gets less until you can remember without the pain, leaving a regret.

    I have often suggested family and friends get together to remember the person they love. Set aside an afternoon, bring out the photos and remember the funny stories. Perhaps plant a tree or make a small garden. Paint a picture and invite everyone to add to it. Eat your mom's favourite treat. Sometimes we get a bit shy talking about those who have died. We want to push it down and hide it away. Instead we can celebrate that person's life, remember their mannerisms and comments, smile at the family photos.

    Don't be afraid to mourn. It's natural and normal and as you say, it's different for anyone. Along with the grief remember the good stuff. It is good to remember and I have found, a certain comfort. It is exhausting to cry so much. Please try and care for yourself before you get totally overwhelmed. I worked all day and as soon as I get home I would cry all evening. But it does pass until you can remember with a smile.

    You will never forget your mom, how could you, but the memories will become more gentle and reassuring. Try to hold on to that when you feel there is nowhere to go. I still talk to my mom at times. It helps. Cut yourself some slack, grieve for as long as you need but also remember the good times.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  4. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11268 posts
    5 April 2019 in reply to shesawallflower

    Hello Shesawallflower

    I feel the pain in your words....and understand your grief...My dads name was Raymond

    My dad passed in November 2016 from heart failure and it seems like a few days ago

    my kind thoughts for you

    Paul

    3 people found this helpful
  5. Sleepingbeauty444
    Sleepingbeauty444 avatar
    2 posts
    4 May 2019 in reply to shesawallflower
    You sound exactly like me. I lost my mum a year ago and I feel like I’m coping less now than I was back then.
  6. Mi8
    Mi8 avatar
    2 posts
    3 June 2019

    Hi shesawallflower,

    I'm wondering the same thing. My Mum died 10 months ago and some days it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier. I was lucky to have my Mum longer than you did but its still hard some days.

    I don't think it ever goes away.. We just learn to live with it.

    Take care

  7. fred2018
    fred2018 avatar
    74 posts
    12 June 2019 in reply to shesawallflower
    Sorry to hear about the death of your mother and the speed at which it happened , I suppose thats nature a bit unpredictable to say the least. My mother died of cancer in 2017 and it got messy with emergency hospitals visits and the like. I like talk to my mum sort of like an imaginary friend or ' spirit' its a nice way of keeping our relationship going even if she is not here physically. I am probably on the same timeline as you for grieving , I think you will just have times where you cry out of nowhere, music does it for me and tha'sall good its all just a natural process. White Rose and others have made some good suggestions that ill note and that might help you to celebrate your mother.
  8. Blusky
    Blusky avatar
    19 posts
    12 June 2019

    I am so sorry for all of your losses. I lost my dad ( my rock) 6 years a go. The first 2-3 years were the hardest for me. It does get easier, everyone’s timeframe is different, take the time you need to grieve and reach out to people, even professionals they can really help you ( they helped me).

    Writing things down aslo also helped me, I went to his place of rest and read the letter to him. I’ve never cried so much ( you know when you cry so hard you are sick). After ward I felt a sense of closure.

    I wish I could help you more shesawallflower.

  9. Stelly14
    Stelly14 avatar
    2 posts
    10 September 2020

    My Mum had a massive stroke in April i came home from work to find her on the floor unable to talk or get up although i know she knew it was me she was trying to talk to me. she passed away 16 days later. She was everything to me it was just me and her my whole life. The pain of loosing her is unbearable and its so hard and its a struggle. one minute i feel like im doing ok and the next i am in so much pain that even my chest hurts and its hard to breathe. i have never felt so much heartache sadness and fear in my life it has left me feeling exhausted and feeling defeated.i feel like i should of felt that something was wrong and come home from work early. i just want to remember my mum in a nice way and not keep remembering all that bad things that happened.

  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6156 posts
    10 September 2020 in reply to Stelly14
    Hello,

    We at the Beyond Blue Mod Support Team are very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. It would have been a very painful way to lose someone. Feeling up and down and having good days and bad days is a normal part of grief. If you feel like some phone counselling support might be helpful today we'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.  

    Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things we can go through. Reminding yourself of all those beautiful memories you have with your mum could be helpful on days like today where all you are  feeling is grief and sadness. Perhaps you could even write some of the happy memories down for you to read later? 

    We wish you all the best and really thank you for posting on the forum today.

    Kind Regards,
    Mod Support. 
    1 person found this helpful
  11. Wishes
    Wishes avatar
    30 posts
    10 September 2020 in reply to shesawallflower
    Hi shesawallflower,

    As a partner of someone who lost their mum just last year, don't feel guilty for leaning on your boyfriend. It comes in waves for my partner, and I love the fact he feels comfortable enough around me to show what he's feeling on the outside.

    And it sounds like you have that same courage, so keep on leaning when you need and communicate so that you know that your partner is on the same page. Some days I'm dealing with different issues and my emotional tank is full, but that communication ensures no guilt and misinterpretation on his part. So sorry for your loss, you are a very strong individual, we're in your corner!

    Best,
    Wishes
  12. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1618 posts
    10 September 2020 in reply to Stelly14

    Hi Stelly14

    Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss.

    My mum died in April this year, so I understand your grief. She lived on the other side of the world and despite doing my best to get a flight etc, I missed seeing her by one day. Our final goodbye was on the phone but at least she could hear my voice as she was transitioning. So, I understand how hard it is to forget the "bad things that happened."

    I take it day by day and ride the waves of grief and "what ifs" as best I can. I framed a lovely picture of her and talk to her daily. I talk about her a lot with other family that loved her. And when I'm really sad I wear her housecoat around the house and somehow that's a comfort.

    We both need time. It's getting easier and I know it will get even better. Hang in there.

    Kind thoughts to you

    1 person found this helpful

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