Ahh, good ... you are there.
Losing someone close is dreadfully hard. I still grieve for my niece. We didnt live nearby at the time, but remained close. My niece rang me a few hours before the accident in which she was killed. She was so excited, so full of life and joy. I still remember that conversation, and when the hurt comes, I remind myself how happy she was that day. Our departed loved ones feel no pain, and your brother and my niece will remain forever young. I know that is little consolation, but sometimes that is all we have, and it has to be enough.
As for guilt, well that is a very self destructive emotion. You know in your own heart that you did everything you possibly could for your brother, in fact more than most could or would by donating stem cells. No mean feat.
My brother feels guilt too about his daughters death. He was driving the car you see. Although it wasnt his fault, he still blames himself for what happened. Wondering if there was something he could have done that would have prevented the accident, even leaving home just 20 seconds later than he did. But it wasnt his fault, it was a freak accident. But because he cannot see past his own idea that he must somehow be to blame, then he has become such as risk for self harm. He is also plainly still grieving the loss of his beloved only daughter.
I would strongly urge you to follow up on the grief counselling. Yes you may well end up a bawling mess, but that is a release in itself, and its important that you do so. Counsellors have seen it all before, you are not unique.
But by all means, please also continue to discuss your thoughts and feelings here as you would like to. There are some fun threads in the BB Social Zone which you might like to contribute to as well. Its a good way to connect with other people and to take your mind off things for a bit.
Its very important that you dont isolate yourself Guest. And that you continue to get out and do things you enjoy. Whether that is going out to a movie, coffee with family friends or work colleagues, or walking the dog. Anything to get you out and doing normal everyday things.
You will always miss your brother, always regret that he is no longer a part of your life. But one day it will be the good times you remember, and not the bad ones. And he will always be in your heart.
I need to go to bed now Guest, but I will check back in with you in the morning. I hope you get some restful sleep.