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Forums / Grief and loss / Struggling with grief and 20 year depression battle

Topic: Struggling with grief and 20 year depression battle

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. brokenbluecat
     brokenbluecat avatar
    7 posts
    5 August 2018


    When my Mum was 15 she had a baby with my now step father. I found out about her when I was 16 and we met. I always wanted an older sister and I was excited. As always life happens and it was difficult to keep in touch. In Dec b4 xmas she and her 3 yo son were killed overseas. She has 3 adult children that are still struggling with her loss. I always thought I would have time to get to know her better, but we didn't. I was so proud of all the obstacles life had thrown her way and how she met these challenges head on and maintained a positive up beat attitude and overcame them. I regret I never got the chance to tell her or get to know her better.

    In Apr I also lost my Grandfather. He was my hero. When I was first diagnosed with MDD over 20 years ago he was my rock. It took me some time to tell him I had been diagnosed. I called him on a weekly basis for a chat, he always made me feel special and loved. We laughed and talked about immature things, cricket and AFL. He cared for my Grandmother, who suffered dementure , for 5 years on his own. When he was in his late 80's he was finally convinced help was needed. He moved interstate to be near his daughter and he only left Grandma when he was told by Nursing home staff. When she passed he was devastated. He lost his the love of his life. Every phone call after he would say he wants to die and be with her but he can't. He survived 5 years without her. I had always planned to visit him every 6 months. But life happened and I was never able to. I deeply regret that I could not be with him, talk with him or support him in the way he had done so for me.

    This has all come to the surface now. I think I pushed it down to get on with life. My work has an assistance program for counselling but I have been before and I am not comfortable with them. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My husband is not the best listener or most supportive person.

    I can't sleep, I feel low, I am having lots of terrible thoughts, I'm teary, the only thing holding me together is my kids.

    Any advice is welcome.

  2. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10547 posts
    5 August 2018 in reply to brokenbluecat

    Dear Brokenbluecat~

    The idea of 'missed chances' in life can be pretty devastating and can seem to have no answer. When a person passes away it seems so final, and that as a result there can never be a way to make up the opportunities that never were.

    All that is true of course, and I've felt it too, after my first partner passed away for example. What I came to see is that I'd devalued what I had done, and that my presence had been a mainstay in her life.

    I think your Grandfather would be exactly what I'm talking about. When you were diagnosed he was there for you, and made a world of difference, however I'd be most surprised if even during that phase of your relationship you were not giving to him in return. Being able to help someone you love is a very great thing, and he was helping you.

    As things turned around and your Grandmother became ill and finally passed away it looks like it was the other way around, and I'm sure if you think back you will have gone though many tough times consoling him - those times matter greatly - to both of you. (Feeling helpless at the time is natural, but misleading)

    Please try to remember the good. The person you know when they departed is not their sum total, and as grief lessens you will be able to cast your mind back beyond that event to the people they were and the times you did have together.

    A councilor really does have to 'click'. If the one at work makes oyu uncomfortable it is time for a change, not a full stop. In addition seeing our GP and setting out how you have been feeling would be sensible, even if a worrying thing to do.

    I am worried about your reference to 'terrible thoughts'. I'm guessing that like many, me included, they are thoughts of taking you life - my apologies if I've misunderstood.

    Trying to overcome these without sympathetic and competent understanding is very hard. Can I suggest if you start to feel overwhelmed you ring the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). It is not limited to just one session and they can be a real comfort.

    I do hope we can talk some more


    1 person found this helpful
  3. brokenbluecat
     brokenbluecat avatar
    7 posts
    5 August 2018 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix

    Thankyou for your kind words.

    It's funny how when you don't need these support options you refer others to them, yet when you do you forget! I guess that is the crippling nature of Depression.

    My plan is to visit the GP and go from there.

    Again thank you, your words and suggestions have really helped.

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