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Forums / Grief and loss / To many examples. To young to loose a Mum.

Topic: To many examples. To young to loose a Mum.

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jade 93
    Jade 93 avatar
    2 posts
    20 May 2018

    So not sure how this all works or where to go or what to say.

    On February 21st of this year my mum passed away at the hands of depressions close to 8 years after my pop passed the very same way. Since feb I have struggled to feel any sort of emotion or even connect to anything. I feel broken on the inside but unable to express or convey it in any way. Things have been nothing but stressful with my partner feeling like I don’t have any support, yet also feeling like I can’t put to much pressure on him. My friends have decided they don’t like my partner which has caused nothing but added stress, drama and unwarranted anxiety. I feel like “what next” on a daily basis and just feel lost all around. In myself I know self harm is not the answer as unfortunately I’ve now seen at the age of 25 two family members suffer for to long and knowing the after shock that follows.

    Never having questions answered nor having an exact reason why. I lay here tonight missing my mum hearing her voice remind me it’s ok to be sad, don’t be ashamed to ask for help. So I guess I’m going out on a limb and expressing how I feel in a place I feel could and should be safe. As a young man I wonder how to go on. I can’t fathom a life without my mum but great full I had the time I did. I can’t picture my mum not being the one to show me how to hold my first child as she held me, I can’t imagine marrying the man I love without my mum by my side saying “cmon let’s poor a wine it’s your wedding day”

    Just like my Mum I’ve stepped out to help and support so many others, in the short almost 3 months to the day multiple friends relationship breakups, friends parents giving their last fight before cancer wins, fall outs between friends and family and my partner then to my own health taking a turn and being forced to stop for a minute.

    I feel like this is all over the place but that is just how my head feels one thing after another no time to stop and then when I decide to take a moment something else happens someone else happens. And don’t get me wrong I tell my friends I’d rather they come to me and talk when they feel their breakup is to much or parent is to sick or work is to hard, rather then suffer in silence before it’s to late like my mum and grandfather.

    Not sure if all or any of this is suitable relatable or helpful but I just thought I’d let some of what’s going on in my head out.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. PamelaR
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    PamelaR avatar
    2740 posts
    21 May 2018 in reply to Jade 93

    Hello Jade

    My apologies for you not receiving a response sooner. It is in no way a reflection of your post. It just means, things have been missed because of the current system.

    Welcome to Beyond Blue. I'm pleased you've found your way here. My heart goes out to you. I can sense your sadness through your words.

    Losing your mum and your dad before that is so hard. When that happened to me, I felt an orphan. Which in a way I was. Nothing can replace your mum or your dad of course. And since you mum only passed away recently you are going through the grieving process. This is such a difficult time for anyone. The phases to this process have no order, but you'll find you will go through - bargaining, denial, anger, depression and acceptance. That is okay. As you mum said, it's okay to reach out.

    To help give support, you'll find I'll ask questions. There is no pressure on you to provide a response to anything. It just helps me to help you.

    Talking about your feelings is a good way to help move on. You said you have a partner, so you're not alone, though it sounds like support isn't there. Do you have any siblings or extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) you could talk too? There is a specialised counselling service to assist people through their grief. Have you tried contacting the GriefLine Community. Go to google search and enter in GriefLine. This should take you to their service.

    Also Beyond Blue has a support service - you can call 1300 224 636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

    From your post, I get the sense you may also be getting married in the near future. This must be so difficult for you. Sending you calming and peaceful thoughts to help you through this time.

    Please let us know how you get on.

    Kind regards

    PamelaR

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Jade 93
    Jade 93 avatar
    2 posts
    21 May 2018 in reply to PamelaR

    Thanks for your response I may not of been clear in my wording. I lost my mum 3 months ago and then my mums father (my grand father) passed away 8 years prior due to depression.

    im a gay male and had a connection with my mum different to the connection I have with my dad and brother.. in a round about way I was the somewhat daughter Mum never had ( Mum would prefer I I didn’t say that I’m just a bloke that likes blokes and that doesn’t define me) but Mum was one of if not the biggest support for me if I was broken hearted she was if I was happy she was we spoke of the day that I’d one day get married when the vote passed it was Mum I called.

    I havent experienced a breakup without my mum and unfortunately that’s the way my relationship is going. No harm or foul to him it’s a lot to take on but it’s all to much. The hardest part is not having Mum there to say stuff him you deserve better or work it out mate don’t give up.. mums advice was final.

    im lost and appreciate the contacts provided I will have to look into them for sure. It’s just the mums word is the only word feeling that I can’t shake because I can’t hear her say them. I’ve been lucky enough to have 25 years with my Mum being as young as she was only 40 we became more friends as I grew in ways having experienced almost all things that I could possibly need advice for I can almost hear what she would be saying daily.

    I think the best thing about this is letting out who my mum was and in hand how hurt I am as I write not knowing who will read it it’s something to just get it out instead of screaming in my own head while everyone else goes about there day to day lives.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. PamelaR
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    PamelaR avatar
    2740 posts
    22 May 2018 in reply to Jade 93

    Hello Jade

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sad for your loss. Losing your mum is so difficult, especially since she knew you so well.

    You've done the right thing by writing here. Writing is so good for the soul. Yes, you mus miss her and her words so much. Let me reach out my hand to you. You can talk all you want.

    Breaking up is difficult. Especially if you've had a really good relationship. I'm not sure what words your mum would have give you. I'm not a mum, so I hope I do okay for you.

    Did you want to talk about what has happened in your relationship? Sometimes people are just not suited for one another. When a relationship first starts one doesn't know everything about the other person. As time goes on you find out things that maybe one or the other of you don't want to live with. That's hard to take, but in some ways it's better to find this out sooner.

    On the other hand if you've just had an argument, maybe you've both got to sit down and talk it through. I've been married for over 35 years, one of the major things that has kept us together is to - communicate with one another. It's no holding back communication. It's important.

    The other great thing I've learnt to is to compromise. Both of us have some different views on things, want to do different things. But we're lucky neither of us are selfish, we are happy to want to please the other one. So we take it in turns, one time we'll do what i want then another time we'll do what he wants.

    What keeps us together I think, is we have the same values about life and the world. This is our foundation.

    Please feel free to talk about whatever you want. We're hear to listen, support and care for you.

    Kind regards

    PamelaR

    1 person found this helpful

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