I am feeling a lot of guilt around my brothers suicide. I know this is common, and I know I'm being too harsh on myself.
We had spoken a few hours previously, about nothing important, just a bit of banter on a group chat with my sister. A few hours later, out of the blue he sent a message saying "sorry.", and I don't remember if i saw it that night or not, before I went to sleep. I keep thinking that it flashed on the screen and he must have been apologising for saying something he thought was 'too much' whether it be a joke or him expressing his feelings. All that I do know is that when i finally acknowledged the message, it was too late. He had taken his life sometime while I was asleep.
He was 29 years old, very smart, and very driven. We had lost our father to a motorcycle accident early 2019, they were best friends, and he had taken it very hard. He was also going through separation with his partner of 8 years, and was also struggling with his career.
I know he had been going through a lot, but I didn't like pressuring him too much to seek help because he was a bit stubborn and hated being told what to do. Looking back through messages he had sent me though, the warning signs for suicide were there, I just read them as depression.
He always apologised for expressing his feelings, I always told him it was more than okay, but he still felt like a burden no matter how many times I tried to explain I wanted to help. I had previously taken a few weeks off work for my mental health, and I feel this may had stopped him from opening up - maybe he didn't want me to worry or didn't want to add to my problems. But I'm the kind of person who wants to help no matter what.
I keep thinking that if I had just seen his message, maybe I could have gotten him to hold on for a little longer, which I know is selfish of me because he was obviously in so much pain.
I love him, and miss him so much, and the empath in me wishes I could have taken all his pain away. He was too young.
Please look after each other. Please seek help if you feel you need it. You are not a burden.