I feel so lost and empty. I have been feeling this way for several weeks, since my move from my home has become reality.
Each day is much more exhausting and difficult than the previous, the amount of time I feel this way is increasing daily. Where once I would feel this mostly when I wake up, or during the night, now I break down and feel lost for the majority of the day, only brief snippets of non pain seems to break through.
I vacuum sealed dad's clothing, I can't find his hat.
I told my grief counsellor how I am feeling, I feel bad seeing her feel me slipping, I told her how I feel lost, and seem to not be able to do what I could before. We created a plan together that felt so great, I was slowly engaging back into life, study, volunteer, support group, reconnect with my friends, but lockdown took it all away with the stroke of a pen.
I feel as if I was climbing up a sheer cliff, and just as I had one arm at the top, my fingers were trampled upon and I lost my grip.
She told me that how much people care about me, that she cares, she wanted to rearrange her schedule to accommodate more telehealth sessions, but she has already gone above and beyond, what she has given me I could never repay, even in a million lifetimes.
I hate telehealth, I wish I could give her a huge hug, I don't want her to feel as if she is failing.
I understand her job is to help me, but I see sorrow in her eyes at my suffering, and I am so sorry for that, you are a wonderful person, please know that.
Each day feeling a black hole tearing me from inside out, I don't know if it is moving after being stuck in one hallway for almost a year, the anniversary of dad with father's day, I don't know.
I just don't have any more energy reserves to continually pull myself back up.
In 12 months I have lost dad, lost mum, my brother is sick, my uncle is very sick, and there is nothing I can do about any of it...
Yesterday I walked around all day yet went nowhere, came home, felt crap, so rode my bike all night until light.
My body is here, everything else is not.
Even these words don't give me the sense of unburdening they once did, I don't know what to do now, so I will go for another walk to nowhere,
Hooroo. dad always said that, I rarely hear it nowadays.