Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Topic: Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

  1. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    17 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    What's going on?

    here for a bit ,if you want to chat

  2. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14266 posts
    17 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Ggrand

    What do you mean by they? What is lions den?

    I am here too if you want to talk/write.

    Thinking of you.

    Quirky

  3. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    17 September 2017
    Dear Karen,

    It’s now Monday … would dearly love to know how your weekend went? As others have said, we’re concerned as we don’t know what you’re meaning with your latest comment ?

    Hope to hear from you soon,

    Neil
  4. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    17 September 2017

    I'm all messed up inside..I want to go home but I don't want to go to my youngest sons home and get my things..I've been driving around all morning not knowing what or where to go.. I'm just sitting in the car on the side of a road atm.

    Please give me a bit of time yesterday I feel it would have been ok if it was just myself and 2 sons.one of my son's and partner so disappointed me.

    I also am so angry with myself over my lack of being able to socialize.

    Both accepted the situation.. but i dont know I just feel so vulnerable with my lack of confidence..

    My adopted son must think I am so dull..just give me time to get my head together and able to write more about it..

    Karen.

    Ka

  5. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14266 posts
    18 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen

    Thanks so much for writing. I am sorry you are messed up inside.

    Take all the time . We were just worried. It must be so confusing for you.

    When you are ready to write we are here ready to listen and hug.

    You are brave and kind .

    Kind thoughts

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  6. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    18 September 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Ggrand

    rest, take your time lovely.

    Tony WK

  7. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    19 September 2017

    Hello.

    Ok doing it like this a and b my 2 sons c adopted son.

    I told a & b Saturday it was hard a million questions were asked and finally a & b accepted c.

    I told a&b to talk it out between them both while I went outside for time out.

    They came out around 2 hours later and said it's ok we understand and love you.

    They said that we will all go to a for a BBQ on Sunday and talk more. I said ok.

    Sunday arrives.

    11am at a place I felt something not right because daughter in law and all the children there..she usually not there when I turn up....

    1pm c arrives with family.im absolutely devastated my sons could do this behind my back.

  8. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14266 posts
    19 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    What a lot has happened to you over the weekend. It was great that a and b accepted c and said they loved you.

    That must have been so hard for you being surprised like that when you thought you were all going to chat.

    After the surprise what happened and how did you cope and feel?

    Did a and b explain later why they invited c? I suppose they were eager to meet him and his family but did not realise you needed time and to be consulted first.

    I realise this is difficult for you to write about but when you are ready we are here for you.

    Sending hugs.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7649 posts
    19 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen we met on the nature thread very briefly.... So a cheery hello to you again....

    Anyway I wanted to say I have been keeping up with what has been happening in your life here. I have kept quiet up until now, because I really want to encourage you. And for you to know how much I admire you. You have such courage even though you may not feel it, you actually do.

    I believe everything will all work out and it will be all okay. I know you feel like your sons a and b did not consider your feelings there. I am sorry you were hurt by their hasty decision . That must have hurt a lot.

    And perhaps they were just so focused on knowing they had another brother and were not thinking straight or something. Shock maybe

    You are super brave Karen. And you are such a lovely person.

    Here is a hug if you would like one.

    Shell x

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    19 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Oh my,

    Your poor thing, didn't see that coming.

    You must be soooo exhausted. Your would be spinning so fast.

    What a huge shock and yeah not one you want like that.

    Im hoping that you are getting some quiet time,there's just to much going on.

    I am very proud of you ! You have done something that a lot could not.

    And you owned when YOU said I'm going outside to have time to myself.

    Try and be mindful that YOU are ver full and your coping skills won't be very alert,so try not make rash decisions.

    This is so hard but I am so very proud of you,oh man now I'm crying.😢

    Dory

    1 person found this helpful
  11. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    19 September 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Hi Ggrand

    I'm glad your sons accepted their brother. The biggest hurdle.

    A few questions uf you feel up to it.

    Are you sure they went behind your back in a negative way? Would it be possible they wanted to surprise you? 3 sons altogether for the first time might mean they meant well.

    I hope you figure it all out.

    Tony WK

  12. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    19 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen,

    Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here ... I don't want to bombard you with questions, as there's been a few already, but all it is, is from very caring people here. We're all wanting to know how you are and that you are going ok??

    That is our main concern here ... "you".

    So much has happened in such a short space of time ... and I couldn't begin to think how you've managed to get this far and how you are feeling about it all.

    I really really hope that you are feeling "some" small positiveness about all of this.

    Am thinking of you, and would dearly love to hear back from you ... as we all would.

    Neil

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    20 September 2017

    Hello,.

    I feel they went behind my back without thinking about how I would feel.

    Day of meeting son c and BBQ.

    I was so stressed out and full of anxiety that I couldn't even strike up a conversation with c.

    I have a feeling that son c thinks I'm not interested in forming a relationship with him if he wants one with me.. I do but am finding it hard to express myself and tell him how I feel.

    From what a & b told me is that c. also had a violent upbringing and was kicked out of home at 15..same as what hubby done to a & b which added to my guilty feeling.

    I couldn't strike up a conversation with c because I am afraid with people that I will say the wrong things to upset them and cause problems or conflict so I keep my mouth shut and keep peace.

    Ok ab & c looked to me as if they were getting along really good.

    That's all that really matters to me.

    i feel that my relationship with a&b is strained atm. I just can't look at them because. I have lied to them their whole lives. I hidden their brother from them. Couldn't protect them enough while growing up. C went through crap as well so it was all for nothing. I don't know how to word how I feel about me atm. No words are strong enough to write or say atm.

    I am home now. I can lock the world out again.

    Thank you all for your support and caring..I couldn't have gotten it done without you..at least it's all in the open now and a b & c can start a new relationship with each other.

    Karen.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    20 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Katen,

    Thankyou for your acknowledgement of our effort. That's so nice.

    So it looks like, among the skirmish, that one goal has been reached, that your sins have united and thats going as well as can be expected.

    I think time can be embraced now. Allow time to settle your mind. You know turning the clock back isnt productive. Stewing over c life isn't either, there was never a garratee of a perfect life for him in adoption.

    For what its worth, your open door and open heart is a b c's greatest gift. You are their mother and you love them. Just be there for them and if they eant to visit or message you, you will be there.

    Im in awe of your efforts. Rest and be proud, keep yourself busy and accept you've done your best.

    I wish you well.

    Tony WK

  15. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14266 posts
    20 September 2017 in reply to white knight

    Karen,

    Thanks for letting us know how you are going and how your sons are getting on.

    As Tony says you need time to reflect on what has happened . You should be proud you have 3 wonderful sons and you did your best under difficult circumstance.

    It is time to look forward.

    You have not lied their whole lives, you did then what you needed to do and now you are helping them find each other.

    Take your time , be kind to yourself and in time you will be able to enjoy your 3 sons.

    Quirky.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    20 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand
    Dear Karen,

    Thank you for your latest response.

    I guess now that you’re home, you can at least settle back a bit – your own home, your own personal environment, and by the sounds of it, for what you’ve accomplished over the last number of days, I would guess you are pleased to be back at your home.

    With C going through his own issues of crap and troubles growing up, that was never for you to know that that was going to happen, so you cannot blame yourself for that. I firmly believe, you aren’t to blame for anything. I am throwing all that to the person who is no longer with us, who was the catalyst for it all. If not for him, things would have been so incredibly different.

    You yourself, even tried to make things right and better way back in the day, and then you’d end up being hurt physically by this man. He was the one who generated everything. From what you’ve written, it seems to me that your sons are of the same opinion and seem to have opened up somewhat to you.

    I really hope for you, from now and beyond, that things will be so much different for you … so much better. You’ve unloaded about the past, which was a very courageous thing to do, and I can’t begin to think how much that would have taken out of you. But in doing that, you’ve lifted the lid on what was covered up, bottle up and hidden for so long and I really believe it’s a very good thing.

    As always, please please, do stay with us, keep in contact and keep writing.

    Love to hear back from you,

    Neil
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    23 September 2017

    Been back a few days and yeah relationships with a & b are so strained atm. Phone calls, messages etc have ceased.

    I know that you all said I shouldn't feel guilty but I am. When I think about the weekend that has passed I feel so physically and mentally sick.

    I have spent most of this week in bed. My mind keeps asking what if I was a stronger person. Wow i hate myself for not being able to stand up and be strong enough to have said no. Without contact from my sons now I really feel like I'm sinking.

    Like everything else I do or say in my life I stuffed it up, from now on i will do and say nothing I will just stay inside my little house, lock the doors, shut the blinds and stay put, that way I won't hurt anyone and I can fizzle away if i choose to.

    Hubby was right all along when he said i am no good to anyone. I always thought he was right and he was.. Please don't get upset with me. because it is true.

    Once again thank you to everyone that help me to get all 3 sons together it's good they have each other.

  18. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    23 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Karen,

    I want to really point something out,

    You have not lied to a and b. You just never had the need to. It actually is your business, and what happened way back when you were stuck in a horrible situation and it was your choice how you decided,

    I do think it was totally wrong of a And b to in a way steel your thunder, It should of been between you and son c. We can not change that it is done but I feel for you,it wasn't right.

    I am hearing that you are not coping, I don't understand how any of the boys would be angry or even negative,if anything they should be supporting you.

    Why are you guilty,you did the absolute best you could for them all?

    Why do you think a and b are not contacting you?

    karen have you a good friend you could stay with for a couple of days?

    sorry lots of questions.

    Dory, for you💐

  19. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    23 September 2017 in reply to Guest_128

    Hello Dory.

    I'm sorry for being so negative.

    I understand what your saying but I just can't get rid of this feeling of guilt and remorse..

    Its drowning me slowly and eating away at me.

    Thank you Dory for your kindness.

    Karen.

  20. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    26 September 2017
    Hi Karen,

    I back up what Dory wrote and would just like to add in (again), why would a and b (and possibly c), all be not talking, phoning or writing to you?

    For the life of me, I cannot see what you’ve done wrong – in ANY of the situations that you’ve described. You’ve a heart of gold that was always wanting the absolute best for your boys. You had to raise them in a horrible situation and they’ve come through that, which is testimony to what an awesome Mum you were. And that awesome Mum has now got the three boys together, so you were awesome and STILL are awesome.

    Like Dory wrote, I do really hope that you’re able to unload some of this onto someone close, but from memory, there’s not too many options around where you are??

    Neil
  21. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14266 posts
    26 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen,

    I want to hug you and say everything will be all right.

    I agree with the wonderful Dory who has a big heart.

    You are kind and good . Through your writing I can feel your pain but I can also see a woman who has overcome battles and raised sons.

    You have lived with your husband who was very critical and put you down, now you need to be kind to yourself. I think you are amazing.

    Have you contacted a & b, maybe they think you are upset with them for meeting c and so are giving you time. Like Dory and Neil I have no idea why they would be mad at you.

    I wish you could just bundle up your guilt and throw it away.

    We are all here cheering for you, and as Neil says you were awesome and you are awesome. I just which you could see that too.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    26 September 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello,

    it's not the boys, it's me, for some reason I can't accept I've done nothing wrong..I don't know, maybe I'm just to far into the blackness that my mind won't listen and believe, I can't put it into any other words I just feel so uncomfortable, guily about the whole thing its tearing my heart apart and I am so uncomfortable with talking to any of them.

    Even as a child when one of my brothers never owned up for something they done wrong, my dad would threaten the jug cord on all of us, so I would say it was me, just to get it over with so he would shut up. Oh yeah I copped the jug cord but then there would be peace for a while until he hit the beer..Even with hubby when one of the boys done wrong I would say it was me so he would shut up and leave them alone.. after a while I would think I deserved what I got because I was guilty because I should have been there at the time to stop whatever went wrong at the time.

    I think that over my lifetime I have developed this guilt feeling and I blame myself for everything. I even blame myself for hubby's death and I don't know why and I can't get rid of this feeling.

    With the boys, they are all getting on good as far as I know..( I'm really pleased about that). But i keep thinking that they should have grown up together and I robbed them of that..

    I can't turn back the clock. I know that. but I also cannot get rid of this feeling that is really destroying my life and eating away at me..

    Its really making me not want to know anything about it anymore..i want to run as far away as i can. I want to dissolve to be invisible to all three of them..

    It's hard for you to understand the way I feel and what my mind is doing to me. Yet I read what you all are saying and believe me it all sounds right but my stupid dumb mind won't accept it.

    I think I'm just to far gone into a dark black hole that I should just give up now.

    I'm just so tired of fighting with myself all the time. I can't seem to get my.mind into a peaceful spot.

    So very sorry I have let you all down.

    Thank you all so much. You are all very awesome people..

  23. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    27 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello again Ggrand,

    Well, how great it is your boys are together. Indivudually they will take time to settle and your lost boy now has his blood family which will be a lot if closure for him.

    Your upbringing is to blame for your guilt. I know, I had it. Had, meaning I overvame most of it. Guilt has a purpose in that it compensates for error. But when its out of whack it can distort our function and ruin our lives. Its a serious illness and I'd encourage you to pursue that with your GP.

    A few things you can do yourself. Relaxation, yoga, group therapy. Writing short letters to your sons of a good positive vibe. Include your love gor them and glad all is going ok and that you are there for them. Being there for them is being the best mum of all. They have their lives to live and are busy, just being available is enough for them I'm sure.

    But of course they cant help with your guilt, that a personal crusade for you.

    I had an inciident in a jail in 1979. It left me guilt ridden for 15 years until one night on night shift alone in a security job, I wrote a poem, it was only 4 verses long. All of a sudden the release of guilt cascaded from my tears. My guilt was gone. Writing is a powerful tool.

    I dont know if it would be helpful but writing your life story and printing iff 3 copies one to each son might offliad it from your mind and provide details of why things happened.

    Anyway it worked for me.

    A ROCKY MILE

    There are things of value

    There are times of joy

    But being available as a mum

    Is a gift to your boys

    Of guilt and worry and hurt

    Life is a rocky mile

    Your boys forever together

    The best reason for a smile...

    Tony WK

    2 people found this helpful
  24. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14266 posts
    27 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Ggrand

    You have not let anyone down. We are all so proud of you.

    I can relate to owning up for things I have not done, just for peace.

    Tony has written a great post with helpful advice.

    I think writing down your story is a good idea.

    I have learnt so much from your posts as your words touch and move me., I just feel you are so compassionate and as I keep saying please use that compassion on yourself.

    If you had a good friend who told you, the same story that you told us, I am guessing you would hug her and help her move out of her black hole. What do you think?

    Quirky

    3 people found this helpful
  25. Float
    Float avatar
    1 posts
    28 September 2017

    What an amazing story.

    I was adopted from birth , now in my late 40s, I found my birth mother when I was in my mid 20s. She rejected me at birth ,she rejected me again when I found her. I have never been at peace.

    You have done a wonderful thing. I wish my birth mother had been like you! Best wishes.

    5 people found this helpful
  26. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    28 September 2017 in reply to Float

    Hello float.

    I am so truly very sorry.

    Just reading what you wrote makes me really really sad for you and so very sorry.

    I am not doing good at all atm but I just want to let you know that I know how you are feeling and I wish you well.

  27. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    28 September 2017

    Hello.

    After 7 weeks my Dr's appointment was today..New Dr again..I went to find out phyciatrist assessment outcome..I should have known no one could find it..typical country doctors. Dr said she will ring phyciatrist and get the results for my next visit.. Anxiety got to me so I said when you find it just ring me then maybe I come back..I was about to leave when she wanted to do the usual while I was there pulse blood pressure etc. Told to roll up my sleeve, well that's all it took I had a major meltdown my arms have been the subject of self harm over the last few weeks. Dr done an assessment there and told me I have major depression and anxiety with major guilt complex..After a fairly long talk I've been put on different ad meds.

    I still can't answer the phone calls by my boys, but i have answered a couple of msgs. this feeling of guilt is so strong Im destroying our relationship i know that but i cant get rid of it..I have tried writing a letter to them.. that in itself is extremely difficult. I will keep trying quirky and Tony.

    Tony that poem is so meaningful thank you.

    2 msg that are a huge problem for me and causing me all sorts of chatter brain problems.

    1..my grandsons 21st birthday and My eldest sons birthday is going to be jointly done on the 21st October which is my eldest sons birthday wich is a day before my hubbies birthday.. I really don't think I can handle going to that it's only 3 weeks away, but I will see how i am coping in a couple of weeks.

    2. adopted son has asked to come down with his family in December for a week's visit so we can talk and get to know each other without other sons around. I so want this to happen I need to be able to talk to him, to look at him and not make him feel uncomfortable like I did at our first meeting..

    I want me back.I want the great relationship I had with a & b back and I want a great relationship with c. I want to be able to be the mum I was only a few short weeks ago. How things can change so quickly is astonishing.

    My promise to me is.

    I will overcome all this and be me again. Baby steps.

    Thank you BB. for that phone call yesterday. I can't thank you enough I hadn't talked to anyone in over a week and was at an all time low and just talking to someone made a huge difference.

    Thank you all for being here for me..I really do mean thank you.

    Karen.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14266 posts
    28 September 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Ggrand

    that was so sweet what Float said about how she wished she her birth mother had been like you. That is a wonderful compliment as she can see what a great mother you are - I just wish you could see that too.

    a and b and c are so lucky to have you as a mum .

    I understand you are not doing well at the moment , but I am sure c would like contact and reassurance . He has reached out to you which must have been hard for him.

    I wish you could forgive yourself and enjoy your wonderful family.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  29. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    29 September 2017 in reply to quirkywords

    Thankyou float for your contribution

    Ggrand, its great news to get diagnosis. Without that you'd be chasing your tail.

    You are worried so much. In reality son c coming to visit will be great for both of you.

    Im no doctor but it seems your thoughts are out of proportion. I had such a mindset when my anxiety was out of control.

    Google

    Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

    Topic: advice please my bucket is full- beyondblue

    Topic: when emotions take over logic- beyondblue

    Tony WK

  30. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9803 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to white knight

    Hi WhiteKnight.

    I think your right whiteknight.I am so darn lost and don't have control of my thoughts and my emotions are running in overdrive.What an absolutely crappy day today is.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up