I am sorry you are feeling this way.

You are smart and strong.

I can understand your frustration and pain and that it all seems so hard.

Anyone would find a conversation like this hard talking about mh issues to their children without the other issues you are dealing with.

The will see you as loving and will want to help you. You neeed to give them a chance and explain simply how you are feeling.

You could pretend everything is ok but that may come at a cost your health, If you could let them know the truth just some at a time.

THey will want to help you, they know what you have done for them and how much you love them.

Hiding and pretending is exhausting.

You express yourself so well here and come across so strong and honest. Everyone who has read your posts has warmed to you and you have touched us.

Sending a hug,

Quirky

Hi Ggrand....I was adopted when I was 6 weeks old. I traced my natural mother when I was 48 and found her easily in England as she married someone with same surname.It initially went well and we swapped letters and told each other about where we were at in life and things that had occurred over the years. One night I was contacted by my half sister on Facebook. She looked so happy and vibrant. Not like me at all. A force within me at the time erupted I could not describe it fully except it was like a huge rush of anger and pain.I wrote to my natural mother via email and told her how much I hated her for what she had done and how my life had always been a struggle and I don't know where I fitted in life. My adoptive parents managed to have there own kids when they moved to Australia -which I felt always left me the odd one out. I went to see an adoption counsellor after this rage and she explained it as the primal wound and gave me a book to read with that very title. I knew like you on a conscious level that my natural mother only did what she could to survive as like you there wasn't the support for single mothers like there is today. The rage against her though was little damaged Nigel that had been crippled emotionally all his life came bursting to the surface. The pain that I would have felt when ripped away from my natural mother and placed in a crib in an austere adoption home and bottle fed was still inside me. Consequently my natural mother does not want to meet me and severed all ties despite apologies. I am not saying this will happen to you-but it could!

Hi Quirky ..

Trying but this time I don't know I have got just so much anger at myself..its so frustrating not being a confident person..

Hi Nigel

I hope Ggrand reads your post.

Thankyou for telling us your story. Its a delicate situation all round.

Have you ever considered rocking up at her door with flowers or a middle mediator?

Tony WK

Hi Nigel.

I am very sorry that a relationship could not develop between you and your biological mother. I really do feel sad for you.. how any mother can do this twice to her son or daughter... it just breaks my heart to read it.Just letting you know that I have read this but atm cannot say any more.. please know that your story really touched my heart..

Quirky only my youngest turned up. The oldest to busy with work. That's OK then .still haven't told youngest about my mh problems but I will tomorrow just don't know how to..I really tried a few times today but backed out. The feeling that comes to me when I'm about to open up to him is a horrible feeling physically it makes me feel sick and very shakey and mentally my thoughts are continually fighting between to tell or not to tell.

I trust in what you are all saying to me and believe you are all right i just have to get the right words out tomorrow and not be so darn afraid of conversations. I need to do this for all of you as well as me..

Thank you so much for the hug Quirky it really does help me feel not so alone..

Ggrand

Nigel,

Thanks for sharing your story. It is interesting how people relate differently to the experience of adoption. My partner's anger and frustration are for his adopted family as they never told him about his cultural background which he found out in his 50s when he found his birth family.His mother had died decades before but he was glad to find 2 brothers.

Ggrand

Thanks for your kind words. You do what feels and sounds right for you. I am just trying to help . Just tell your son what you feel comfortable telling. A little bit at a time.

I will be thinking of you

a big comforting hug

Quirky

Ggrand

just wondering how you are going and am thinking of you.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

Feeling ashamed degraded just absolutely crappy guilty of putting this on my youngest ..falling right back down again. So very sorry Quirky... I just always stuff up everything. Just not good.

Quirky I know I did the right thing by telling him how I am feeling just been triggered an awful lot over the 3 days. So really sorry about the outburst I should have waited until I felt a little better. Just angry at myself that I'm slipping back to where I was before this journey started. With everyone's help over the past month or so I was getting a hold of myself and started improving which I am really grateful for but now I feel like I'm going under again and that's making me so sad guilty anxious and angry at myself. Again Quirky I am truly sorry for outburst.

Ggrand.

Ggrand

Please do not apologise. You are under a lot of stress and are coping as best you can. This is a place where you can be yourself.

You really need to be kind to yourself. Please congratulate yourself on being brave and really coping with so much in a short period of time.

I am so proud of you.

Quirky

Hoi Ggrand.

Yes Quirky, a specially kind person.

I cant help feeling you need a mediator/counselor to help bridge the gap between you and your sons

Slipping back is normal.

Tony WK

Thank you both so very much.

your kind words are so much needed, appreciated and taken to heart

i explained best I could about how mh problems are making me feel but I didn't tell him how I haven't been coping and just how bad I've been feeling. A little at a time Quirky I asked my youngest not to tell his brother as I feel that's up to me. Only half a job done but still got eldest to tell. He will be harder to tell because I know what I'll be in for so wished they were both here then only once I needed to do it.

Grandsons 21st & eldest son party on Saturday then hubby's birthday on Sunday. They are expecting me to go but I really don't think I will cope with it. Im supposed to leave Thursday morning. feeling like I'm heading back into the dreaded dark tunnel my safety plan is no driving as I don't feel safe in my car, I can only wait for Thursday to come then see how I am. I don't want to let them down but I really don't want to go either, I'm just not up to it and know I won't be coping good.

C msg me today and said he is trying to organise time off work so he can come to mine around late December for a visit. Scarey but this needs to be done I think so he can start healing this part of his life.

Quirky i really forget how to be kind to myself as I feel I don't deserve kindness. I have made so much trouble with my sons and our relationships once and if I can mend all the stuff ups I've created maybe then I can be kind to myself until then their needs come first

White Knight you may be right about councillor/ mediator for our relationship but I can't even get a physologist for myself for some reason beyond my control my doctors seem to be unable to arrange a meeting with one for me and I can tell you honestly I am in real need of one quickly

Quirky and White Knight I am in awe of your knowledge, kindness,compassion, guidance and help and also Dory you all have my greatest respect and thanks .

Grand.

Really what else will happen to try and destroy me life sux.

Grand

You have opened up a conversation with your son and that is a good start.

I think you can cope with what life deals with you. I hope after C has come for a visit you will be able to start a new and wonderful relationship. He needs you in his life .

It would be nice if you could stop blaming yourself for stuff ups, as you call them. You did then what you needed to do under very difficult circumstances. I think you need to be kind now and give yourself credit for your resilience.

Quirky

I don't have much knowledge but you have self knowledge and you know what works for you.

Thanks Quirky. Just hurting so much. A dear friend of mine passed away last night. I was supposed to visit him yesterday but wasn't up to it. He was respite for 2 weeks. Just seems to much happening atm.

Grand

sending you a hug. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you

Quirky

Hello.

Im so sorry to be here again but son c is coming here to visit me Friday morning with his 3 eldest children. I really do want to get to know him and try to be a good mum to him. A bit late but it can happen but atm I'm shaking and scared as ?????? My hearts going 100 klms an hour. I m really sorry but I'm all nervous as anything. I don't know how to act what to say. I'm so frightened when I talk to anyone. I'm just scared. Stupid I know I am. Hate myself for this anxiety. I'm not ready yet

GG.

Hi GG,

Your anxiety has to be put into perspective by yourself.

Also remember- keep busy, do some cooking...grandmas cookies? Im sure the kids will love them.

All your don wants to do is show off his children.

A friend of mine had an unusual technique. If really anxious he wrote a short note and gave it to his daughter upon their arrival. It read "I'm very nervous, so nervous I'm scared. Hope you can help me out with conversation?"

Youll be ok because I said so!

Tony WK

Hello White Knight, and thank you

its ok I shouldn't have posted again you have all helped so much all ready. I can't calm my anxiety I wanted to be a better person then who I am for him and be who I was before mh struck me down. That's not going to happen.I will have to learn to accept who I am. To tired to fight it anymore.

GG.

Gg

Please, rest.

Google

maharaji sunset youtube

Maharaji prem rawat the perfect instrument

Pan flute prince of equador

Youll be ok

Tony WK

Thank goodness I got my dates wrong it's next Friday. Gives me a bit more time to try and get myself together, a bit more breathing space.

On your suggestion before I did listen to maharaji prem but keep forgetting about him, thank you for reminder, I don't know how to download it onto iPad

GG

GG

That is great news about c and his children visiting next Friday. For some reason your recent posts did not show up on my threads list.

I am glad you let us know what was happening.

You will be fine. Are they visiting for the weekend ot the Friday?

Tony has given you good resources to use.

Let us know how you are going as we are always interested and so proud of how you are going.

Calming thoughts

Quirky

Hi gg

Dont we just adore quirky!

Ok, so you have an extra week to plan some treats etc.

Tony WK

Hi Quirky & WhiteKnight,

thank you for your kind replies

Quirky... coming for the weekend arriving Friday morning.

WhiteKnight.. I can't get my anxiety into perspective, I can't control it, it's controlling me and its debilitating it's put me into a low I've not been in for a long time. Seeing physoligist weekly & trying to heal that

baking cookies, can't even boil an egg atm

kind thoughts

GG

GG

Thanks for letting us know. I know you have anxiety but are you a little bit excited to be seeing him and his 3 eldest children.

Remember how proud we are and how far you have come in from your first post. You are stronger even though you may not feel it at times.

Yours on, c, wants so much to be part of your life he is visiting with your grandchildren, That is so wonderful.

Your sons, your grandchildren, and people on this thread all think you are wonderful .

Let us know you are going. I am glad you are seeing a psychologist.

Quirky

Hello Quirky,

I also desperately want c and new grandchildren to be a part of my life.

I have always held c lovingly in my heart always thinking about him, wondering about his life, what he was doing, where he was, If he was happy, healthy etc and praying we would meet up at sometime, Now the time is getting closer, nearly here. I have dreamed of this day, prayed for this day to come for so long, am I excited? , I should be because I've waited so darn long for it to come. Well, so very sorry ( sorry not strong enough) no. all Im feeling is an enormous amount of fear. Why, I can't answer that and believe me I have been trying to.. I'm just so (I don't swear) over my incredibly, unbelievable, dumb way my thoughts/mind/brain whatever it is, and the way it's controlling me.

GG

Quirky

i know that's not you wanted to hear and I am so very sorry ,

i have an emergency visit with my physiatrist tomorrow she rang me last Thursday to check I was ok, and to let me know she wants me to see another physiatrist as well as her every other week I told her c was coming nearly 8 weeks early she asked me to see here tomorrow,

GG

GG

Please don't be sorry for how you feel/

I am sorry if I made you feel that way, I just wanted to be supportive.

You are trying so hard and I can understand why you would be feeling fear . You are trying hard to control your thoughts.

It is such a huge thing you are doing, please don't be hard on yourself.

That is good you are seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow.

Sending you a big hug .

Quirky

Oh Dear Quirky,

you didn't make me feel that way, no apology please, My anxiety has been growing and taking over me now for a couple of weeks since c contacted me.

I had no one and you and the others were there for me and I can see thankfully still are . I couldn't have done any of it without your encouragement and kind words. I will always be so grateful and thankful towards you all for that. I deeply mean that. With the BB forums and people like yourself, I know a lot more people are still here.

Kind thoughts and greatest respect,

GG.

Hi gg

Something you might not be aware of.

Ultra alertness is in people with ADHD. A prof Green of Sydney daid thst it developed in cave man days. When a man protected his family he had to be alert to predators, thieves, etc some humans developed this alert trait that just doesnt fit into our society. It is a normal trait.

Fear is the same. It is in all of us. When you have suffered as you have with homelessness, violence, loss of a child etc....there are consequences. You become afraid, damaged and anxious.

Even positive people like myself find it hard to see positives in fear, crime, anxiety etc. But when we take it to the extreme i.e if we didnt have fear at all then we would be vulnerable as we wouldnt protect ourselves.

So, once this visit is underway you'll settle.

THE DOOR

The many things you craved

Years along wonder street

You tears finally march in time with

The pitter patter of his feet

That sound before the door bell ring

You missed every night and more

You wont miss it now mum so good

He's knocking at the door...

Tony WK