Thank you everyone for the kindness and care you have shown me.
My youngest son has always been a very gentle person. I know he was uncomfortable seeing me cry..he did only once before, that's when I made a promise to me that he would never see me like that again.I broke my promise to me, I am angry with me for that.
I have never doubted his love for me, I doubt me, If I loved him as a good mother would, Why didn't I take that chance and walk? A few people I have spoken to over the years in general, I've never spoken about my life except on here, have told me that if there husband ever hurt there children they would immediately leave,That's being a good mum. Me to weak to leave, not a good mum. No more here, hurts me to much. I'm sorry I cannot forget what I know I should have done, I can't forgive myself for that.
Tony, we talked about about my anxiety/depression, I told him about the effect it's having on me. The daily tears,staying in bed, staying at home,not going out,unable to talk to anyone, not eating, I never spoke about his dad...
I can't get rid of thinking about the injustice that was done to him and how I could have stopped it. I was watching the three of them playing, laughing having family time together in my backyard today the love, care and respect they have for each other is beautiful. I was watching and thinking, how did my son who had his horrid childhood grow up so loving and caring.
A lot of upset and hurt by triggers are happening, trying so hard not let it drag me to far down. I hear hubby in my sons voice, in his walk and his looks. I see the life we had when I look at my son. It's really hard as I said before I love them so dearly but I'm needing time out, but I will won't let them know this, I'm holding me together the best I can until they leave,
I love all my sons dearly, My eldest has not even rang me since September, that hurts deeply. My son I adopted out sent me Christmas wishes that's encouraging to further our relationship.
Birdy, You have a lovely soul, thank you for doing that, and your kind words of support. Tony and Quirky have given me amazing support throughout and have stayed with me, even twice I read Tony's words wrong and have replied harshly to him, he still came back, He has a very special place in my heart, you all are amazing DB, (L&C). Elizabeth, quirky, deep in my heart thank you.