Thanks for your reply Kaz. She has tried medication a while ago but thinking about it, I don't know whether she was trying it as an act of looking like she was trying to stop. I think, in all honesty, that as much as she sonetimes says she wants to get better and stop drinking, she also knows she can't.

I guess I'm at the point where I'm wondering whether she'll ever stop as long as she still has her family intact. And if she did want to stop, how that might actually happen. She drinks over a litre of wine a day, yet still functions to an extent. I guess I'm looking for advice based on people in similar circumstances; do I leave with the children in the hope that it's the catalyst for change or do I just keep things as they are and have the children grow up with their mother slowly harming herself with alcohol?

Hi Jimsmit - your wife only thinks she can't stop. She can. If she seriously wants to. And if she does, the medication would be worth another try.

I also used to drink that much each day, more in fact. Two bottles of wine a night was normal for me.

Have you talked to your wife about how unhappy and worried you are, and that you're thinking of leaving? That would be the best way to start, rather than just leave. Let her know, in a calm, gentle way, that you are considering it because the drinking is hurting the family and you're worried for yourself and the kids.

It might be the shock she needs, or it might not. I really can't say. But I can say it took a huge shock (drunken attempt to end it all) to make me stop. So it's worth a try.

Does she have any close family members or friends you could talk to about it? People who might be able to help you help her?

Best to you mate

Kaz

Thanks again for your reply. I have left before and have threatened to a number of times. I have spoke to her, written letters, had chats with family member present with her even but nothing seems to register. I have no idea how much she drinks to be honest, although because it was Christmas and we were together for the three days, she had three bottles and a 4 litre cask in the three days. I am thinking that I will take the kids to her parents place tomorrow and sit down with her and talk through it.

I do think that part of her wants to stop but I don't know how she can, nor do i think she knows. What was the process of stopping for you, if you don't mind me asking? Was it the medication or rehab?I just don't know what she should be looking at trying. Please don't feel you have to share anything with me either about your own personal story. Her parents are very supportive of me and of her. They have looked after the kids whenever needed and her mum also said that me leaving with the kids might just be what she needs. It's tough. But it has been tough for seven years...

hi Jimsmit, Kaz has again made some very good points here as she has done through-out this post which she created.
Sometimes when you talk to someone who is drinking alcohol excessively, you can talk until you're blue in the face, but most times they don't hear a word you're saying, it goes in one ear and out the other, and take it as another 'nagging' session.
For me the reason I stop or became a social drinker is for two reasons, firstly our house had to be sold after the divorce, so I had to find somewhere to live, found a house to rent and felt as though I needed to stop/social drinker, and secondly if I drank too much I would have an epileptic seizure, with a grand mal the wosrt type, and there was no way I ever wanted for this to happen again, as I've had several.
I have to agree with her mum that you need to shock her by leaving or telling her to leave, she has to be made aware of what her drinking has being doing, and once she realises she will need extensive counselling, because there could be any temptation for her to start again. Geoff.

Hi Jimsmit Both Kaz and Geoff have made some valid points with regards to your wife's alcoholism. If she really wanted to stop or get help, she would. Shock tactics only work if the alcoholic wants help. Leaving her would momentarily shock her, she may even stop drinking for a while. An alcoholic will get help once they admit they have to. I am recovering and with me a severe health scare, plus being called for jury duty meant I had to abstain. I have been 'dry' for quite a while, I still have urges, but my health, plus my job, plus knowing drinking was losing me friends, family etc meant drink had no place in my life. Your wife is the only one who can help herself, asking for help is the first step, accepting it the second. Admitting is the hardest step because alcoholism is an illness and no-one wants to admit they're ill. I made every excuse known to man about my drinking. My kids tried everything. AA for me was a no-no due to the religious side.

Lynda

Hi Jimsmit - I used a peer support forum (like this) for alcoholics, called Bright Eye, to help get me through quitting. I found that being able to openly and honestly share the struggles with people who were also going through it immensely helpful. It was like an online version of a daily support group. It's based in the UK but open to people internationally.

Speaking of support groups, has your wife tried SMART Recovery? There are groups all over the country and they have a good online presence as well. But again, it will only work if she's determined to stop.

Jimsmit I'm wondering about what might be behind the drinking. I hope you don't mind me asking, but has your wife shown signs of any mental health problems? It's not at all unusual for people with depression or anxiety to self-medicate with alcohol. We start out using booze as a coping mechanism but it can escalate to the point where it becomes an addiction and is itself the major problem, feeding the depressive or anxious cycle.

There are also some mental illnesses, in particular bipolar disorder (which I have) that have a propensity towards addiction. I was being treated for depression at the time I was drinking, but now know that I was bipolar (untreated) and that contributed enormously to my addiction.

I know from the forum for alcoholism that many many people battling the booze also had mental health issues. In clinical terms I think it's called duel diagnosis. So, it might be worth considering this and including it in your discussions with your wife if you've not already been down that route.

There is a lot of info online about duel diagnosis if you want to do some research.

I hope that helps in some way.

By the way, I think you are a fine husband and dad - I can see you are truly trying to work out the best approach for all concerned, and it must be hurting you. Please make sure you take care of you throughout this difficult process, and know you can reach out here for support for you too. We care about you and your family.

Best wishes

Kaz

Thank you for all of your words of wisdom. I'll keep you updated on how things pan out. Very much appreciated ☺

Hi Jimsmit - my pleasure mate. I wish you the very best and look forward to hearing from you. No matter how it goes mate, we are a non-judgemental community here and ready and willing to help and support you.

Kaz

Hi Kaz. Need a bit of support today. Feeling as though I could cheerfully 'lose' myself. Don't have anything, but really fighting the old 'black dog' today. Supposed to go to my daughter's for barby tonight, not the best company today. Everything in me says 'no', just feeling 'why not'. Help, please.

Lynda

Oh Pipsy - I'm not Kaz...and I can't be of any use to you. I am SO sorry to be replying instead of our dear supportive Kaz or ever reliable Geoff.....in fact this stupid reply of mine is just to reassure you, you are not alone today.

Guess what? I was about to post on here myself, asking for help today! I have something coming up, involving staying at relatives' house - getting extremely anxious - just remembered how I got through these events in past years....by having a drink, that's how! It got me through fine - I am coming up 4 years since giving up alcohol (due to health reasons).

I've just endured lot of pain and distress after my regular check up on the damage it caused....(I'll be OK as long as I don't drink again!) but the anxiety is taking over and I KNOW alcohol will make it go away. That's what I used it for in the past...and it worked!!

I need help today too - what else can I lean on to get me through this crippling worry, over-thinking and imagining worst scenarios. If I had a drink, I wouldn't have to endure this anxiety....I don't know what to do either!!

I am sorry I was no help to you Lynda - but others here will know what to say....please take care and I will try to also........Moon S.

Hi M.S The problem being, if I don't go to my daughter's she's going to automatically think I've 'fallen' again. I haven't had a drink, I managed to overpower the urge but I don't feel like seeing anyone. I actually just want to pull the bedclothes over me. If I go, she's going to know I'm not 'me' she could still ask what's wrong. Have been a bit weepy today, just don't feel my normal, happy self. Don't want to talk about why I feel so 'down'. I can't talk about it, it's too personal. I feel so alone and yuk. Need a drink, don't want it, need it. Won't succumb, quite a battle going on here. Why me, why now?

Lynda

Hello my lovelies, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much today, both with the booze cravings and the black dog and anxiety.

Best thing I can say is think ahead. I know that's hard when you're in the moment consumed by cravings but try, really try. Think how you'll feel if you do drink and then have to face the disgust in yourself, the sense of failure, the guilt, the sadness of your family. Then think how you'll feel if you win this particular battle - pleased with yourself, capable, strong - reinforcing all those positive feelings that can also help you through the depressive or anxious time.

Lynda hun - there's nothing wrong with your daughter knowing you're not feeling good. Get in first and tell her, no need to say why, and if she asks maybe say you're not sure, or you'll talk about it when you're ready. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could tell her you're struggling with booze cravings and enlist her support? We all need support from time to time and there's no shame in admitting we're struggling.

Moon my mate - I don't need to tell you that if your health problems are booze related, the momentary release you might get from drinking now is going to cause you long-term grief. There, I told you anyway, sorry. Distract, distract, distract hun!! Both to fight the cravings and those troublesome thoughts. Bury yourself in a book, walk your legs off, have a movie marathon, go swimming, make sandcastles, put on loud music and dance in the kitchen ... anything to keep your brain busy on something other than what it's busy on now.

You can do it ladies. I know you can. And I know how bloody hard it is. But you can do it.

Love to you

Kaz

xx

Another thought - you do know that by quitting drinking you have both saved your own lives ... no small thing. Wear that sobriety with pride my friends.

xxxx

Hey Kazzldazzle

You have many great threads including this inspirational and supportive one!

I would like to wish you and your family all the very best for 2017.

Your counsel and assistance is GOLD to so many people nationwide

Thankyou for helping Kanga fly the Chillout Lounge last night too....Talk about multitasking :-)

Nice1 Kazzlegend

Paul xo

Hi Kazzl. No I can't admit to my daughter I'm struggling with booze cravings. I hurt her and my son so much they will possibly get in touch with my male friend to enlist his help. He can't help me either, this is something I have to fight alone. At the moment, it's too hard to fight alone. I feel as though my friend couldn't care less, the 'sensible' side of me tells me that's rubbish, the 'down side' tells me he doesn't care. I haven't had drink yet, but the day is not over. This is the first time in a long time I've felt so alone. That last thought about the good side of quitting booze, isn't really 'penetrating' atm. I sort of don't give a damn either about the danger to my health. Wish it was tomorrow. Wish I could 'blot' today.

Lynda

Dear Pipsy, Moon and Everyone,

I'm so very sorry to read of your struggles Pipsy and Moon. I used to have a drinking problem. When I left home I used to be drunk by about 10 a.m. most days. During year 11 and 12 at school I would go to a friend's place for a liquid lunch, that was about the only way I thought I could cope with returning to school.

This morning at Church as the minister was talking about how wonderful Christmas is and all the wonderful opportunities we will have for the New Year, I had tears running down my face. I wanted to yell and scream and ask her what was she talking about!

I let the tears flow. The guy next to me asked if I was okay and I appreciated that. I knew I would be okay later, that it was my feelings, emotions, thoughts and depression making me feel that way.

On arriving home, I went out into the garden for an hour and a half, raking up leaves, breaking off dead sticks, picking up long pieces of bark and as I went along I admired the colours of the tree trunks where the bark had fallen off. I noticed a new flower on one rose bush, a bulb that has flowers, the sound of the birds in the trees...eating the fruit!

Don't know if this is helping or not! On occasion I have used the phone help lines and they have been very beneficial. I have at times called Lifeline, when my time was up there I called Beyond Blue and on one occasion I called a third help line.

At times it is hard to shut out the negatives and in your cases the urge to have a drink to make everything feel right. Like Kaz mentioned, unfortunately there are repercussions to our actions.

Hope you can find some hope, some strength to get through this. Thinking of all of you who are struggling right now.

Hugs and hope, from Mrs. Dools

Hi Dools. Not a bad idea phoning the BB helpline. I have my g'son with me, I can't afford to let him know I'm struggling. If he finds out, he tells my daughter (his aunt), she tells my son, (g'son's father), I honestly don't need the headache. Thought about going for a walk, forget it, it's like 40 degrees outside. Just struggling, almost back to how I was when I first started posting here. Geoff's amazing, but he's not available, he'd probably ditch me too if he knew. Wouldn't blame him. I'm lost in this. Can't believe the depression would return like this. Have no AD's, probably just as well, booze and AD's not a good combo. Not making much sense.

Lynda

Well today is nearly over. Didn't 'give in', don't feel particularly brave, just couldn't face going to buy booze. Probably feel better tomorrow. Not going to daughter's haven't told her, guess I'll hear about it tomorrow. Just going to bed, need sleep, block out depression with sleep.

Lynda

Hi Lynda - well done hun, you got through the day. And if getting through the night means going to bed early, do it I reckon, sleep as long as you can. Sleep is my go-to strategy for everything (except when I'm hypomanic and can't).

Let us know how you are tomorrow. You done good!

Cheers

Kaz

xx

No of course I didn't have one either! Just have to whinge now and again about missing it...sob.

Well done Lynda...it's hard isn't it....so if you got through this one, you can do it again...and again.

I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves how much strength it takes to do what we are all doing/have done - I guess we should give ourselves a pat on the back occasionally or no-one else will hey? Sleep well.

(It's been heatwave conditions here too - I think it is contributing to a lot of folk feeling completely wrung out)

Lynda, I am here and I always know that there will be times when all you want to do is pick up the bottle and get intoxicated, but you have to remember that the next day you will feel as though you have let those who care about you down, so guilt will be aflush and this will make you feel as though you have let us down, but remember we carry this badge of depression on our shoulder every day, sometimes we can hold it down while other days it's weighing us down.
An alcoholic naturally feels as though 'I'll just have one drink', but for many one drink isn't just one it means drink till you drop, sure it may help get you over that particular day, but the remorse in you could get too much, and that's when depression hits you harder than you wanted.
There are many things in life we all want, some we can and some it's not advisable to, so the urge is with us, but this is where you have to be strong, think about how upset you could make us feel, but for the last 7 months you have been able to forget about alcohol, you're said no to anybody who asked you if you wanted a drink, and to do this means you have great strength.
Today will pass just as tomorrow will, but there isn't enough alcohol in the world that will make you happy, it's a burden you will have to carry. Geoff. x

Hi to my fellow battlers. Reading through your posts over the last few days.

Pipsy and Moon, I hope the hell off battling through the urge has passed for now and that Pipsy, your depression is starting too lift. I know the delema of only being really able too go too bed but if you don't go where your expected you are assumed too be drinking. It you do go and noticed to "not be right" then you may be seen too be going too drink. Bed is the best option, you can't go through the drive through on the way home if your in bed, and snuggling away from the world saves us from situations that may trigger extra stress and a bottle shop. Regardless of what people think(and people assuming things) is extra stress full when the black dog visits, bed is safe.

Welcome Jim. I read through your posts with great familiarity regarding your wife's drinking habits. As a horrific drinker, I feel safe in saying unless you are with your wife 24/7 you won't know how much she is drinking. Its likely she is not drinking just when your around to count drinks. I've been known to drink a 4 litre cask in 24hrs but that's on my own, no one counting my drinks and no one left to hide it from.( I use too hide alcohol so what I drank publicly didn't seem that much ). My demise was getting caught drink driving 5 years ago. It didn't stop me drinking but it sure started my acceptance that I had lost control of alcohol and started me thinking that alcohol is often my enemy and then my journey to regain control began ( with many failures along the way) Do you know if your wife drink drives. You mentioned having young kids. I don't want too be nosey and I'm sure the thought has crossed your mind many times. I can only emphasise what others have said, that only the drinker can decide to stop drinking, even going to rehab won't help much if the drinker is looking forward too their discharge and next drink. Their is also a Family Drug Help line for families of alcoholics and community health centres also offer programs for families.

Well new years was sober for me. I stayed home NYE with my cat, watched a movie, then baked food all day yesterday in preparation for going back to work Wednesday. Not boring but lonely and felt a bit distanced from society that I wasn't "doing anything" but that's OK. I didn't make an a--e of myself anywhere.

Wishing everyone strength and self forgiveness this 2017 xo Nae

Hey,

I like the idea of having strength and self forgiveness. What a great combination!

A bit like lemon, honey and a hint of ginger in hot water to give you a boost.

Anyone else have any great combinations of non alcoholic drinks they would like to share?

New Year's Eve one of our dinner guests could not drink alcohol due to the medication she was on. I shared a cup of green tea with her, brought out on a try with an Asian tea pot and a couple of Asian style tea cups. We had our own tea pouring ceremony.

One thing that brightens me when I am feeling low, is to make up a breakfast tray and take it our to the patio when I can. A change of scenery and the fresh air does me well. I enjoy my pot of green tea in fancy cups!

Cheers all , from Dools

Hey Pipsy, thinking of you!

hello Nae, what you have said is so very true, that if you don't go to where you are expected to go, people assume that you have or are drinking, just as they do if you seem to be off colour, so then an argument can begin which will only make you feel worse, and feel as though you do actually need a drink.
It's the pressure those who are watching us and their constant comments or nagging which is something you really don't want, and I can remember it always happening with me, because I was a cupboard drinker and went outside, but as soon as I came in all the questions would be fired at me, always saying the only reason I went outside was to have a drink, true, but it was the constant belittering that only made my situation worse. Geoff.

I failed. I know I didn't hurt anyone as there is no one left to hurt except me. Damn. I thought I was better than this. X

Hey guys. I got through. My daughter totally surprised me. She is unbelievably awesome (I dislike that word, actually). She arrived after trying to phone me several times. She took over completely. She got me to a Dr who sedated me so I was able to sleep at her house. She contacted my bf who emailed me and let me know he was there. My mind was in an emotional foggy haze and I find it hard to believe my thought patterns were so dysfunctional. I have a lot happening atm and I went through a stage of 'am I doing the right thing'. My daughter spoke to the Dr (a locum) who realized I was in a haze. I'm okay, functioning clearly. I did not succumb to drink, I wanted to but sleep and the thought of driving didn't appeal so drink 'lost' I won. Another victory.

Lynda

Lynda. Brilliant. We can all get through this together. I was weakened. An excuse but I'm still training myself. Still no excuse. There is always going to be a reason why I should drink really so many reasons why I shouldn't. I'm back at work tom so I'm safe then. Shit this is hard stuff that only a drinker knows. Bless this thread xo

Hi 5022. You are so right about it being harder some times than others. All that stoped me was I had nothing in the house and the thought of driving was a no-go. I don't need a ticket for speeding, I have a job where I drive, so getting a ticket or getting stopped for breathalyzer wasn't an option either. Sometimes the alternative (which for me was sleep), suits better. Today, I'm on top, that's good enough for me. Each day without, is a pat on the back, each time you fall is 'pick yourself up - again - day'. Do you have a good support team for your 'fall down' days. This thread is truly amazing, but you still need someone who can come when you 'fall'.

Lynda

dear Lynda, it must have a very tough period that you have gone through, it always is, but there is one thing to remember that your willpower has now become much stronger, no matter how hard it is for you, these times of wanting to drink will become easier, although the urge will always be there, it is for an alcoholic, but to say no will end up being a big NO.
You will look back at this time and feel proud of yourself for not succumbing, so this is a very important day for you, and you will always remember this day.
Well done, it's not easy to be this strong.


5022 you have to look at this by saying that you haven't failed, it's another lesson you have learnt, why you drank and what the circumstances that have caused this, so next time you will avoid the same situations, this is part of learning, next time you could avoid falling victim to the alcohol. Geoff.

Hi Geoff and thanks for your usual wisdom. You always seem to know what to say. I guess the reasons for not drinking are not important. The fact that I didn't is what's important. My daughter absolutely astounded me more than my not drinking. I thought she would automatically accuse me, she never said anything. She told me I was loved (adored, were her actual words). She got me to the Dr, told him what was happening in my life. She emailed my bf and asked him for advice as she was totally bewildered. She was an absolute rock, so was my bf. My son knows nothing as he is away. I owe my daughter and bf so much for their support on this. I love them both so much.

Thanks both of you.

Lynda