Hi Lynda and All,

It is so wonderful to read that our daughter was there for you. At times with my depression, I think that no one cares, that is part of this crazy illness!

Trying to not partake in anything that harms us can be a real battle, wether it be drugs, alcohol, binge eating, not eating, self harm or what ever. Congratulations to all who are fighting hard to win the battle of resistance!

Keep on being determined and congratulate yourselves for realising that you need to change things.

Cheers all from Dools

Hi Dools. Yes, my daughter's reaction blew me away. She wasamazing. There was absolutely no judgement, just caring and intense love. She certainly has grown up from where she was a few months ago.

Lynda

Hello everyone, I'm new. When Geoff (and White Knight) kindly welcomed me in the introduction thread he suggested I join this forum.

Firstly, I'd like to say that I am in awe of everyone who has managed to 'battle the booze'. Thank you for giving me hope that I can also. I will read every post here and follow your wise advice. For those still struggling, like me, a hand extended in understanding and empathy.

I don't want to rave on about my "drinking story" let's just say it's been a lifetime curse. We each have our individual why's and wherefore's, but I do wonder if my bipolarity had of been diagnosed earlier in life, I might not have 'self-medicated' for so long.

When I did finally accept my addiction because of failing health, I had several rehab stints, tried AA, but once home alone again, failed miserably. I don't think I was ready to let go of my 'only faithful' frenemy (friend/enemy).

I continue to drink to calm the inevitable anxiety that comes with withdrawal. That's what scares me the most. My anxiety separate to that, is unending as my youngest son has been battling cancer the last 4 years and his prognosis is very poor. I'm running out of resilience, hence my name.

On the one hand I know I need to be well for him and my 3 other teenagers, on the other, I don't really give a (...) about myself. My bipolar head often tells me that I'd rather not be here to deal with the very real possibility of losing my son.

So yes, a vicious circle of well intentioned plans every morning not to drink, then the disappointment/beating myself up for not keeping to my promise.

Sorry for the long rant, don't mean to take advantage, just feeling so very alone. Thanks for listening

hi Resillence, thanks for coming to this specific post and I hope that other people will reply back to you just as I will. Geoff. x

Hi Resillience, welcome. I am very glad you've joined us.

You are most certainly not alone here - in fact when I read your comment about wondering that if you'd been diagnosed with bipolar earlier in life you might not have self-medicated for so long, I teared up. My story too. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about nine months ago. I'm nearly 6 years sober, so I managed to beat the booze long before my diagnosis, but did it ever put me in a spin.

As you probably know, people with bipolar disorder have a higher propensity towards addiction than most, so alcoholism and other substance abuse problems are quite common amongst us. When I was diagnosed I went through a bad time of anger and regret - I lost far too many years to the bottle, if only I'd known what was driving it, I might have been able to prevent it. Then again, maybe I wouldn't have, who can know ... what matters is here and now.

Just my opinion, but I reckon when we're in a low, when things are hard in our life - certainly something as difficult as having a child with such a serious medical issue - we do self medicate. We use booze to find oblivion, a break from our brains and all the distressing stuff that's occupying our minds.

Then, when we're feeling up, the relief of not being depressed or distressed makes us want to never let that feeling go. We chase the feeling, and we try to prolong it with alcohol. We can't have just one, because we need more and more to keep the feeling going. Chasing the feeling in a hypomanic state, whether through booze or anything else, can cause us all sorts of problems, but it's fun at the time.

Trouble is, eventually we can break our off switch. So where other people can moderate their drinking, we can't. Well, I should say I can't - certainly not all bipolar people have that problem.

As with anyone struggling with the booze Resillience, to quit first you must really really want to. Once the will is there, it's still a hard process, and it takes time to 'stick', but it's so very very worthwhile.

Do read through the thread, you'll find a lot of good advice and support through other people's stories. And feel free to post any time you want here.

We've all been through it here, and we're here to help you and cheer you on when you're ready.

Best wishes

Kaz

Hi Geoff, Hi Kazzl, (everyone)

Thanks for replying.

I'm so grateful there is so much more awareness and services available to our youth these days. For what 'if only's" are worth, Kaz, I was also very frustrated when I was finally diagnosed with bp. Drinking, eating disorders, smoking ciggies and dope, suicide attempts since age 12 might have caught someone's attention surely, let alone my own otherwise.

It's not always obvious to yourself that you're living the wrong way, or barely at all, it's just all that you know. And that's exactly the hardest part in changing. The idea of living a 'normal' life is so very foreign and absolutely terrifying for me.

I'm stuck between needing I know to, and really, really wanting to, as you said. I'm not sure how to cross that gap. The continual conflicting voices in my head like to tell me 'what's the point, you've caused too much damage to your body already, likely to die soon anyway" and the other voice screams out no, not yet, my kids still need me.

I do understand 'you cannot give to others what you do not offer yourself' so a definate zero in self-care. How do I learn to like the person I am right here, right now, without the pressure of what I should be / become ?

Perhaps whilst supporting me here, you could also direct me to other threads to learn the skills. Good that my bp is well-managed, otherwise I'd probably post everywhere, try to help everyone except myself. Though I will give back, promised.

Thanks again for listening.

Hi Resillience - I have another thread you might like as well. It's called This Bipolar Life, under the Long-term Support on the Journey board. I've learned a lot from the others with bipolar (1 and 2) on that thread and had the most fantastic support there. We also have some fun together 😄. You would be very welcome.

Cheers

Kaz

Just thought I'd check in with you Kaz and Geoff. You always seem to give sensible advice . Hey, my 4 years anniversary without grog comes up next week in case anyone cares.

I thought I'd been in just about every situation where I'd be tempted to have a drink, just a couple, to watch the old anxiety levels drop, to give Dutch Courage, to console me when I was depressed and filled with sadness, when I was scared..the list goes on.

I resisted it all without too much trouble actually. Watching others drink, being in pubs, clubs is not a trigger, for which I am grateful I haven't had to deal with being tempted in those places.

But....in a little while I will be in a situation, not new, just an activity I have taken up again after literally decades...(I had a trial run last year) and it will be the FIRST time I've ever taken part WITHOUT a drink beforehand for Dutch Courage, or during to "keep my sparkle and fun" . Last year's practice run was the first time I'd ever done it without grog - I marked that as a little personal pat on the back for me..no one else knew.

I felt myself getting a bit anxious the other night and thought "Oh God if only...if only...just one drink and I'd be fine, the anxiety would GO".

As the activity progresses over coming weeks and more is demanded of me...how the hell am I going to do it? I've always had some alcohol there to HELP me - that's why I was so good at it!! What if it was the grog that was doing a good job...and not ME at all?? How do I carry out my obligations STONE COLD SOBER??

Hi All,

Just thought I'd pop in here to say hi.

I haven't read any posts yet, but it would be my honour to get to know you all.

Peace

Matt.

Hello Matt - you are very welcome here my friend! I know your kindness and good thoughts will be a boost to us all. xx

Moonstruck my lovely - may I be blunt? Stop it. Stop doubting yourself young lady. It's you that's good at this mysterious activity, not the booze. You don't need it. You didn't through your trial run, you haven't for four years (four years!! Woo hoo!!), and you don't now. It's just stage fright possum. And if you drink now, you don't know how well you'll control it and might blow everything and fall off the stage so to speak.

Don't sabotage yourself hun. You can do this, unassisted and certainly unhampered by booze. So there.

You'll be stone cold bloody fabulous.

(And I'm really pleased you checked in here hun, I really appreciate that, and I understand how tough this is with the evil awful drinking thinking ... even if lecture you. 😊)

Love

Kaz

xx

hi Moonstruck, yes there are so many times when you could have a drink, the temptation maybe too strong, 'how about just one drink that would settle me down', maybe or maybe not, if you do have a drink then you will feel guilty not only for yourself but to those who have supported you along this period, and feel that you have let yourself down.
If only one drink was all you drank but for alcoholics it won't end at that one drink, although it feels terrific once again to be what you once were intoxicated, so now the label of being an alcoholic sticks and will always be there.
If you are able to stop drinking then you should be able to watch someone drink in front of you, without getting anxious, in other words you have to be able to drink a coke without any hesitation and not worry you, or walk past a bottle shop or pub without even thinking 'can I'.
At the moment you are only worried about participating in this activity sober, that's all you are concerned about, so this can be a problem, but you are manufacturing all of this yourself, but you did it last year without grog, so do you want to do well with grog inside you or achieve two accomplishments, manage without the grog and do well in this activity.
I think that you have the chance to do this, because alcohol will only bring you back to square one and then in a few weeks time wonder whether you try once again, because this is a feeling that will always be there until you are strong enough to be able to ignore.
Maybe a little harsh on you and for that I'm terribly sorry. Geoff.

Saw your message in the Cafe Geoff....no, that's ok...no offence taken. I appreciate your support I really do, and Kaz'. I haven't taken one of course.....just getting somewhat anxious about how to handle the anxiety if and when it rises and I am in the middle of the activity...can I ride it through?

You may have misunderstood my explaining about my triggers...I can easily handle someone drinking in front of me, live within walking distance of clubs and pubs, in fact I go there often with friends...no temptation whatsoever...none!

So that is a Godsend, as I believe some folk would find that incredibly painful for them...so I am fortunate in that...no, my trigger has always been emotional upset over relationships, and mainly anxiety - as it used to fall magically after a drink....it gave me relief from the anxiety and emotional pain, guilty memories and all that!........I won't have a drink....after all, it's my 4 years anniversary tomorrow!!!

hi Moonstruck, appreciate your comment and well done for 4 years. Geoff.

Hi everyone, have read some of this thread so have a lot of helpful advice,thankyou. A couple days ago I felt like a glass,I knew better because recently been emotional & stressed & its been my habit. This time I drank the whole bottle, sitting in my car, instead of going for the walk I was going to go on. I seem to think it will change my state of being but never does. I started drinking when I was overwhelmed with life. Realizing just how hard life can b and after going through a lot of loss. I used alcohol to take the edge off. I always thought id just have one,it was usually 3 ( whilst out & buying glass at a time) but if I bought a bottle to have one drink or two bottles to have over time, forget it I'd drink it all. I'll specify they were wine bottles. Having a foggy head doesn't help with my drinking. And being emotionally unstable means I'm not always in complete control of myself. These days I don't drink as regularly as I used to but at times wish I didn't drink at all....except for special occasions drinking cocktails etc.. I've used alcohol to destress but yep not working....

Hi Steph,
Hope you're ok. Just wanted to say, if you want help with quitting, this forum and the people in it really are amazing, which I'm sure you've seen. I quit completely in July last year and checking in here at the time, everyday for a week or so made absolutely all the difference. Talking it out really is the only way. The bottle silences the mind but it's the worst thing to do to an anxious mind. Sure the anxiety is still there after quitting but it's definitely easier to deal with. I really can't imagine subjecting myself to the horror of a hangover anymore, along with dealing with my generally overactive mind and everything that goes with that. The only thing I'm still going through is dreams where I'm about to have a drink (and luckily wake up before I do from guilt). I wanted to see if anyone else experienced or still experiences this? And hello to everyone, sorry I've been away for so long, have been going well and owe it all to you guys 🙏

Hi all...just checking in with everyone. Hey Steph - I can identify SO closely to what you just wrote...although everyone's story is of course unique....but it was just so familiar...the situation, the reasons why etc etc. I understand where you are coming from so well.

I never dreamed I'd be writing this...that it's been just over 4 years since I gave up - i didn't "want" to...I never wanted to - I was sort of "forced to" through health reasons - a couple of near death experiences left me no choice. That's how weak a human being I am - I STILL wish I could have a drink. It's not fair..others can...I can't!!

Oh Rhes...you quit completely in July?? that's brilliant!! No, I've never experienced a dream of drinking...I wonder why? We all do it so differently don't we?

Hey guys....I'm in the middle of doing a demanding activity....that I used to use grog for Dutch Courage and to "enjoy it more". this is the first time I will have engaged in it...without a single drink to help me, to lean on!! Will I fall apart without the grog? This is the great unknown!! Please tell me I can do it without the bottle to help me!!

Love and encouragement to all of you......and Steph...I truly wish you all the inner peace and the love you are worthy of. You are worthy of it, all by yourself.....even without the glass in your hand...you're still worth it!

hey

i have been getting drunk every afternoon sins i was 26 and now im 43.

iv been told im a functional drunk,so just drink get drunk go to sleep get up early make coffee.and off i go to daily choirs.the only three things i really don't like about my self are drinking smoking and the risk of my mind falling in the red zone again(suicidal)

for two months in 2010 i did't drink but i could not sleep either.

i would love to know what the world is like out there after 5pm.i would love to go for drive at night.

You know -one of the things I love most about giving it up is the driving at night, any time, anywhere - and being able to say to myself " Ha ha, waste of time bothering with me guys" at the RBT teams!!! Who cares where they are - who cares how late I leave a club or pub or restaurant? Not me any more!!

hi Steph, can I just give you a warning and that's if the cops find you in the car even without it running they will book you for .05, they will also book you if you are in the back seat and have the keys in your possession.
There is always the false belief that alcohol will make you better, well it might while you are drinking, but next day they will still be there, plus having the guilt of having a hangover or the thought that you didn't want to drink, but it was too easy to buy a couple of bottles and consume the contents, only putting your recovery from these other problems back another day.
The problem we have when drinking is that we feel that it may not be social to join in and then have a glass, simply because you feel as though you maybe ostracised, but when everyone maybe drunk then you realise how sensible you have been.

Duebuoi, drinking in depression is very dangerous, although at the time you believe that it's going to relieve all the pressure you are suffering, but if you are in a temporarily or unstable, and please I only mean this in a nice way, then your thoughts are going to become worse, which means that all the pressure inside you is building up and up and may cause you to do something you could regret.
The difference is when you are sober your mind is different to when it is intoxicated.
Well done to Rhes and Moonstruck, now there is another world out there, one that you both have missed out on, and Steph I hope that you can still post how you are feeling on this site. Geoff. x

Hi everyone, Geoff and Moon thanks for your supportive words as always! Moon you know you faced those challenges before, with alcohol, it might be easier to face them without it. I always say to myself, what's the worst that can happen? (and I measure it against all the bad things that have happened because of booze!) The strength to give up in the first place shows you can do what you set your mind to 😊

And dueboi, yeah I found so many things came up mentally when I quit drinking and that was cause for sleeplessness. It was so scarey the thought of giving up booze completely but once I did I found it was sooo much easier to deal with all the other issues in my life including the sleeplessness. I hope you're ok, everyone is here for you

drinking in depression is very dangerous....... geoff

it was so scary the thought of giving up booze.......rhes

one of the things i love the most about giving up is driving at night....moonstruck

hope you are ok,everyone is her for you...thank you's all.

me: yes im ok iv woken up and and taking note of all your advice .

had problems to solve before and been in confronting situations,put under the pump,live or die situations of honer and missions to complete where patients and effort where required.and i just loved it all.but this not just talking about the booze,is a super natural beast that i have underestimated, can't visually see it can't talk to it and try make respectful order of peace,cant physically touch it and therefor kill it.

no flight just fight just fight,i take note and just fight.

I do this every weekend, I find myself having a great time at first then something little happens to upset me then it gets blown way out of proportion. ..

Excuse me for jumping in here folks....just wondered how Kaz is doing? Haven't seen her around for a while. Kaz are you OK? I watched the movie, Unmarried Woman the other day...and thought of you of course, you look so much like one of the actresses in it.

love, Moon S

hi Moon S, Kazz has been appointed to a job type scenario for BB which is keeping her busy, but she does still keep in touch, I maybe talking out of line here, but she's still with us. Geoff.

Hiya Moonstruck - thanks for checking on me hun, that's really kind.

I'm fine thanks, really well. But I have started a new job in the mental health sector and I'm also studying to qualify as a support worker. So life's become crazy busy and exhausting. I have cut back my involvement with the forum for a bit while I settle in, but I'm still keeping an eye on this thread and the bipolar thread.

How are you my dear? Hope all is well.

Love

Kaz

That's excellent news for you Kaz.....it goes without saying that I wish you all the very best - you certainly deserve it....enjoy!!

Thanks for everything....I'll bet when you opened that BB Cafe, you couldn't have imagined the weird collection of ragged hobos, along with elegant bejewelled princesses that would line up to get in and share food, drink and stories...or did you? See ya round! Moon S x

Haha, hiya Moon. No, I had no idea the cafe would take off like it has. I'm very proud of how it's become something of a BB institution.

How are you doing lovely?

I want to talk a bit about triggers. I had a very unexpected experience this week. One of my classes is on alcohol and other drugs and we had a talk by a guest speaker from AA. It was an excellent talk, but it triggered me big time. It didn't make me want to drink, far from it. But her talking about the effect of her addiction on her family sent me right back to the despair and wasted years when my kids were young and I was drinking constantly.

It was like a wave of guilt and shame swamped me, and I went down for a couple of days. I'm much better today, but it's really made me think. Stuff is still buried, not too far from the surface. And if it's buried for me, what might be buried for my family?

I'm mulling over whether to raise it with them, or whether that might just reopen old wounds. I'd welcome your thoughts and experiences.

Love to all here - and if there are people who are out there struggling and reading this thread, please feel free to join us. We are friends and fellow travellers.

Cheers all

Kaz

Kaz, I am very familiar with that wave of guilt and shame you mentioned, re how I drank too much around my kids and what they went through - horrible, I feel I can never forgive myself for that.

those poor little boys. Now they are men. They both still love me.

since becoming men, and since getting myself together and being the mother I should have been ALL along, I've done my utmost to make it up to them the only way I can...and that is to be the best I can be Today! Now, and forever more as long as I live! I've have apologised to both of them - and revealed the terrible guilt I carry. they have both reassured me "Mum I forgive you".

I don't believe it opened old wounds. I believe they truly have "moved on" to become wonderful men. If only I could forgive myself. It's when I see my little grandson that I get quite overcome. I look at him and realise I once had 2 little boys just like him...and I WASTED those years. I want those little boys back...and I can't ever get that chance again!

I wonder if anyone knows how to forgive "Yourself"???

HIya Moonstruck, thanks hun, I really appreciate you sharing that. Yeah, I don't know how to forgive myself either. And I think it's a common thing for us. I was talking with someone in my class about it and they had similar feelings.

Maybe acceptance is the first step before forgiveness. I accept myself and all I've been now, and I'm trying to put the bad stuff to some useful purpose with my work - that's really why I've moved into mental health. And I'm proud of that. But I haven't got to forgiveness yet.

I'm not a12-stepper and never did AA - I had too many issues with the 'higher power' concept and the being 'powerless' thing. But I know one of their steps is to make amends with people you've hurt. I know it works for a lot of people, but it scares the bejebus out of me. Still, I'm wondering if I should try.

Anyone here been through AA's 12 steps? Or found other ways to forgive yourself?

Cheers to you all

Kaz

Hi Kaz , Moon and All,

Forgiving yourself in any situation can be a very difficult thing to achieve. I have recently been reading about The Four Tasks of Mourning. You may be wondering why I have mentioned that here. I will explain.

It sounds to me like you are both mourning in a way the experiences you feel you have missed out on in life due to your drinking while your children were young. You grieve for those lost years. Those years can not be replaced. At that time you were both doing what you needed at that time for one reason or another.

As someone recently mentioned to me "Hindsight" is wonderful. Maybe if you read through the information on mourning, you may be able to let go of the ghosts from the past and move on.

I can see your stories in my older sister. She drank a lot while her children were young. I was in a different state so probably didn't know the full extent of it. Now one of her boys is an alcoholic and has been in so much trouble due to it.

My sister clings to her children and does all she can for them, they are grown adults, almost 30. Her children always come first. I am wondering if she has demons in her head. Thanks for sharing your stories. It has made me greater understand some issues my sister may have herself.

When my life was a real mess, I would have cornflakes with rum for breakfast so I could at least start my day right or so I thought way back then.

Hopefully you can find ways to make peace with the past.

Hgs to you both from Dools