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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Blended family and BPD Wife

Topic: Blended family and BPD Wife

  1. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    12351 posts
    7 February 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    Thanks for your update,

    one day at a time and having hope filled with realistic expectations is the way ahead,

    I look forward to continue to share your journey,

    quirky

  2. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2757 posts
    23 February 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

     

    Hi fs , hope things are doing ok for ya.

    Man l just wanted to ask you , do you thing she means things she says when she goes off?

    Reason l ask is my ex was all love dove and praise one week , next minute something would set her off and it was like l was scum and if sh really thought and believed things she'd spit out then she'd be an idiot even being with me of she really felt that way .. Yet if we made up in a few days or whenever, she'd be back to full of love and praise and compliments .

    Do you thing your w actually means any of or is it just some push away thing or ?

    Scuse the typo's.

  3. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    25 February 2020 in reply to randomx

    Thanks for the message RX.

    i believe When those with BPD traits turn to anger (and also love) they feel what they are feeling (what we are seeing) - this is referenced in most research I’ve done as splitting behaviour or ...simply put - if you’re viewed as good then you are all good and everything you do is wonderful however the moment you slip into something she deems as ‘not so good’ (even if in your eyes it was harmless) then you are all bad and everything you’ve ever been or done is all bad until the mood shifts... my wife also refers to it a little like an of body experience... she can see the behaviour when it shifts into the negative space and wants to stop but seems powerless to stop what’s going on.... there is apparently no grey area with BPD sufferers - the grey area where most of us tend to see the world from allow us to see that people and life aren’t perfect and we exercise tolerance and understanding...

    I had wanted to wait a few weeks before posting an update as my wife has now had a couple of individual sessions with group stuff to come in a few weeks... already there has been some positive shift in behaviour and she is trying... there will be slips of course but as long as the general direction is forward I can deal with that...

    DBT therapy hopefully will help my wife with some emotional skills that will help smooth out some of the journeys bumps. So far it’s good for sure but a long road ahead - 12 months at least working through behavioural change and healing whatever wounds lie beneath her eyes...

    fingers crossed...

    1 person found this helpful
  4. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2757 posts
    26 February 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    Thanks very much for going into that fs , appreciated.

    Unfortunately since spending that time with ex last mth and it ending badly , it's set off the whole bpd thing for me again and l've been reading up and l guess trying to figure it all out , all over again. l dunno , closure or something. l feel like writing her how sorry l am it ended the way it did but truth is, l didn't do anything , she blew it up . We'd done so well too, managed to mostly stay out of trouble 6wks, double our record, but l could see the strain , she was way over due. lf l didn't smooth the waters over quite a few times along the way she would've popped much sooner.

    Anyway , l know you didn't wanna go there just yet or hope but it was really nice to hear of her progress anyway fs none the less. lt still amazes me that she admits things and can see herself. l've never thought my ex could see herself, if only, she certain;y would never admit it anyway. She does come clean with a few tiny tiny things , then pats herself in the back haha,

    Day ata time brother.

  5. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    27 February 2020 in reply to randomx

    I think just a case of not one size fits all... traits behave differently in different people...

    my wife has unfortunately missed this weeks session - something about a mix up in time etc... she did say she went to the place for the appointment but they had her down for a much another time and she didn’t or couldn’t (big difference between those 2) want to come back later on...

    not sure I am totally happy about that as they aren’t very far away however as the initial couple of sessions seem to have worked well I will see what next week brings ... if next week brings no joy then some tough questions are gonna have to be asked.

    At this stage I am prepared for what eventuality life brings having already lent on the “better or worse” component of the vows quite heavily.

  6. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    27 February 2020 in reply to randomx

    One of the best things I did was research the BPD traits and seek opinions big, bad and good...

    knowing what I was up against and being prepared helped develop a place for me in the mix...

    I also found kindred spirits - others whom had been affected by what can occur both in the plain sight of others and also in the quiet of just being alone together with your BPD spouse...

    after that Tho I think the best thing I did was refocus on me - regardless of what happens I can only control, help and look after me...

    I am not even sure you can get closure at the instigation of a BPD trait sufferer (although that statement might be a little general)...

    to genuinely be apologetic is to understand that your actions are not socially acceptable, or are wrong to the person receiving them or you have simply hurt someone ... but that is also taking responsibility for your own actions... that’s a lot of miles to cover when you have the traits of BPD operating in the background of a mind ...

    I can only suggest (and I am not religious whatsoever) that we forgive ourselves first - and then forgive your ex ... that latter part is more for you than her but it can help with moving on to a life less clouded by the storms that used to punctuate your relationship/life in general...

    Try not to let the whirlpool of the past spin you round again into that central vortex... it’s ok to walk away...

    1 person found this helpful
  7. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    quirkywords avatar
    12351 posts
    27 February 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    Farside

    I really like this advice

    "Try not to let the whirlpool of the past spin you round again into that central vortex... it’s ok to walk away..."

    I get stuck in the what if cycle of the past, and it does not achieve anything but guilt and regret.

    Getting knowledge about a condition and then looking after oneself are very useful tools. Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  8. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2757 posts
    27 February 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    Thanks for taking that time fs , very good of you man and l agree with quirky too.

    Yep it's weird how l feel so bad about how things ended when really , she doesn't deserve it , maybe it's more just plane stupid than weird. But then can she even help what she says , l don't know , is it actually really even her , don't know that either . But she's such a loving fun sweetheart when she isn't spitting her venom , and she's had the run with men from hell , which was probably mostly as self inflicted as it was with me l guess anyway buttttt, none the less. whether it's really her or just some bpd she can not control or maybe doesn't even realize , l feel bad for the beauty in the other side of her , and l'd love for her to go out with some kindness for once.from at least one man.

    Hope she makes the next appointment man , hope your holding up ok yourself too.

  9. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    2 March 2020 in reply to randomx

    Thanks for the messages folks...

    The next appointment was made promptly without me asking and all looks good for attending.

    looks like I can attribute that last missed time as just a hiccup in the mix ...

    to me my wife still feels like she is in a much better place than before ... seems more centred and balanced in her approach... even with the absence of last weeks appointment.

    My fingers stay crossed for continued benefit from the process and that time builds and shapes a better place for both of us...

    RX the thing with BPD is they shower you with love and adoration the likes that you don’t normally see in a relationship and when it stops it’s hard to rationalise that the person before you is the same person - it helps to know that its just a symptom of the disorder - just like coughing/sneezing when you’ve got the flu... it’s just as automatic and uncontrollable ... they shift from full adoration to not even being able to have two words pass their lips that aren’t designed to cut you down... however - BPD is not a licence to be a horrid human being and we all must react accordingly to our own virtues and instincts to ensure Emotional self survival...

  10. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2757 posts
    5 March 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    Hi fs , and thanks man , l know you have far more things to deal with atm. But yeah l agree, it's no bloody license to treat me however takes her fancy l know that much. But anyway we're over for cert this time , she literally made me sick and that pissed off last , l've had enough of her bs and there'll def' be no more reconnecting for us.

    Anyway , l know you don't wanna be jumping up and down so we'll just quietly cross our fingers for things to man. So pleased she at least started some progress , it's at least a start , day ata time eh.

    All the best. rx.

  11. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    21 March 2020 in reply to randomx

    Hi all... update time. As we all know the world is in a different place. Many of us working from home to help minimise the spread of the virus. I have been at home all week - still working - my wife hasn’t had any shifts this week so she has been home too. For the most it has been going well. No major disruptions of any sort... until yesterday afternoon... I think when you’ve been with someone or known someone for a long time you can sense when their emotional position shifts...

    My wife’s emotional balance shifted yesterday. It was a shift from warm and loving to being cold and distant. Even no angry words were spoken or anything that I am aware of seem to trigger things there was a movement. My wife also missed another week and although it seems once again there was a genuine mistake at the clinics end I’m just wary that there may be a pattern emerging about why she can’t go.... she has appeared interested to go and is in a good place after the sessions but I think at this stage it can be too easy to slip off the treadmill.

    I had asked her yesterday if everything was ok once I’d noticed the shift but She said all was fine so I jus went about my work and left her to work through what was going on. I also asked her a little later but decided to leave it at that to prevent a spark up. This morning I said it seems there’s something amiss and then things just erupted into mega argument territory again... the escalation continued for about 10 minutes until I just walked off and decided to not engage any further.... during the 101 topics that she tried to use to deflect away from the real issue while the heated voices were running she landed again on my son - he’s this and that or he doesn’t do this and that... I reminded her that I don’t target her kids and to focus on topics that are relevant but its pretty futile - fact is (and this is difficult to deal with) she doesn’t see the world in these moments anywhere near in the same way I would....

    So agin I was just the same old receiving end of her using loud words to deal with an uncomfortable space.

    is it a hiccup. Is it something more damaging. Is it part of her healing process or simply a slip up - or in the context of life would this have just been a normal argument in a normal everyday relationship... I dunno. I don’t feel much as a result - no anger but no desire to be close to her either.

    see what the days coming bring

  12. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    21 March 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    The day has been silent ... I’ve been grateful to some degree because at least it’s meant no heated exchanges...

    I absolutely struggle with trying to figure out how you can be discussing one issue only to have it morph into something that could not be more unrelated ... I do get natural progression in conversation -and it’s not about that — one things leads to another etc but my wife’s defence mechanism is to throw every possible hurtful comment you can about every possible thing in the shortest space possible at ever escalating volume... it’s like look over here - if I can distract you long enough and often enough then you wont pursue this angle or see where I am vulnerable because I’m making up an argument out of nothing to force engagement.

    while the work being done at the clinic is good and have a positive effect - it’s clear that for whatever the reason the appointments are missed - those weeks have a strain - I understand this process is not an immediate cure but I’ve also been living like this for 3 years so a little peace over a bit of time would be very well received...

    it’s early morning - not sure I want to go to the same bed... maybe just sleep on couch instead tonight...

  13. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    22 March 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    I made a choice to confront her today about having a basic level of respect between us as parents and what we say about each other’s children... reality is hers are almost all adults and I don’t play a dad role - just a responsible adult in need who has respect for who they are...

    today My son wanted to go home early... not as a direct result from overhearing anything but I do feel he is trapped in his room ... he comes out and the tension levels build. I feel like I have to circle to make sure he doesn’t leave a footprint or cup out of place...

    Even others have noticed how hostile she seems to become when he’s around - he’s a good kid and I love him and for that reason I think it’s jealousy that’s been behind her desire to force a wedge between me and my son... see earlier posts as well on the same ...

    so I asked her bluntly what right she thought she had to be so critical of another’s child - especially when from the beginning of our relationship he was obviously part of my life - he’s only around for 2 days every two weeks and she can’t even be decent or respectful for that.

    tells me how crap I am as a parent - that my ex must be us less too...

    the whole thing just got ugly...

    My wife doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning or house chores for my son - I do all those so there no extra work and because anything she did anything she made such an issue out of it... just some respect is all that’s needed however this is again me speaking from frustration - trying to make the round hole fit the square peg and in that order...

    I’ve grown weary - I’ve taken my ring off (Again) but really any meaning that ring had has long since been lost... it’s not even symbolic of the moment We married as that day became a horror show of events (see much earlier posts)...

    things aren’t gonna change - I want them too - I so do - but they ain’t gonna change... she won’t change - she becomes emotionally aggressive and I know it’s boiling down to a case of what she said on our wedding night - it’s her or my son... you choose.


    Inside I know this has to end now... I’m at peace with the choice - I’ve done all I could to try to make things work - so many wasted years of support and love and doing your best just to end up in dead space ...

    mall this and most of us stuck at home - gonna be a difficult time...

  14. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2757 posts
    22 March 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    Ahh fs ,man l truly wish l had words , and with everything else going on now on top of it all. So sorry fs , but even 10fold more for the little man , that's not right . just not right , he can't keep fighting this off it's just way way too much for him.

    l didn't know she said that on the wedding night , shit , or l might've forgotten , so much going on but just shit. lf it was any other time l could imagine what your answer would be but of course that was manipulated to hit you with at a time like that instead .

    tbh , l just don't know what else you can do man , your sons health and love is just too too important and he can not keep living like this , neither can you , or let him. l'm so sorry and l didn't realize it was only 2days a ftnt , man , they should be the happiest loving 2 days with his dad , of his wk .

    l mean if it was just you and her , you could if you wanted to keep trying longer l guess although doubt you would at this stage anyway , but with your son going through this , it's just not right man and no one could blame you if you ended it with her right now ,

    rx

  15. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    23 March 2020 in reply to randomx

    Thanks rx

    she has said and done much to drive a wedge between me and my son. Many times she said to me he’s done this or that or didn’t do ‘x’ and I just know him way better than that. I know his character and I believe him when he tells me his side of things - I can also tell if he lies... on the other side I’ve caught my wife in lies many times amongst other pro reflections of adult behaviour - She is supposed to be the responsible adult and lead by example - she doesn’t need to be his mother - just an adult he can trust in need.

    It was once that dust settled on us moving in at first together and We had been living together sometime that she started work on little things to get distance between me and my son... it was very subtle at first. Just little things here and there - all negative and nothing positive.

    i have no doubt she Just sees him as a threat to her for love/affection etc. she’s was happy to do things initially to be kind and I thought that was nice - make breakfast for him etc although never asked or expected her to do anything but I always thanked her when she did... I am quite capable of looking after him... but after a while she called him ungrateful, she started to get annoyed if he rushed up to hold me hand (even if she was holding the other one), accused him of being dumb and so forth (to me - not to him)... some of the things she has said in private is actually pretty disgusting and don’t bare repeating.

    obviously i bore some understanding and tolerance once I understood there was a disorder at play... then you have the story in all these messages above... my son is more mature than she is on many levels and he is quite ok but yes this isn’t healthy... I have explained everything going on to my ex wife... she is understanding and together we’ve made sure our son is ok.

    With where we are now selling is impossible so will have to look at other strategies to minimise things when my son is next over until all this virus stuff is over. Not sure there’s much else i can do for the short term. I am actually ok tho - my son is also in a good headspace - he’s not really seen it directly often... I Just gotta stop my own rubber band action tho - going back, forgiving and hoping that next time it’ll be better - it’s a classic BPD trap and I absolutely know better... (maybe not)...

    there are bigger problems out there for now. But I’m eating, sleeping and being well and not in a bad spot at all.. considering...

  16. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2757 posts
    23 March 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    That's good then mate,,, bloody good. Rubber band action eh haven't heard that one but my ex instantly sprung to mind yep , that's how it was alright .but she did also do much forgiving with me too early in m as l just thought she was a straight out part time b@tch for awhile there and lost it quite a few times before l started learning about it.

    l never trusted her with my daughter, on the surface she completely turned, last we spoke she was even dreaming of her marrying her son and the 4 of us huh. my d would've liked her son too , never met though. ex would've been great if that actually happened but if it was just us 3 , always felt the tricks would start coming out again later.

    God yeah this virus business is surreal isn't it.

  17. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    24 March 2020 in reply to randomx

    Thanks RX

    theres much to be learnt about these kind of relationships - stuff that makes you more aware About human behaviour... not necessarily defensive as such - but just a whole lot more aware that good intentions mean different things to different folks ..

    My wife has been partially tolerable today - making dinner and drinks etc but I think that’s because she realises the game is up.... nice on one hand while her emails are trying to leverage a greater share of the house dividends upon sale ...

    ah well each to their own...

    I thought we would be further along as a society with how we treat each other but you know it’s just such a weird world.

    besides - who could predict that BPD would be such a perfect trap for those that are unfortunate enough to be caught in its spell...

    I’ll keep posting . It’s good therapy and hopefully somewhere down the track when it Truly matters, someone will read through some of my posts and understand they aren’t alone ...

  18. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    29 March 2020 in reply to randomx

    Despite being locked up in the same house for obvious worldwide reasons we have managed to utter very few words to each other...

    She slept in another room To start with but when I suggested that we revisit how the living arrangements looked in the house (with a view to sleeping apart permanently) she appeared back in our bed that night... nothing like a little motivation I guess...

    in any case the peace has been good

    ... I have forgiven her more times than I should’ve over the years and internally I am resigned (as much as you can be with emotional conflict) that we don’t work... at this stage she is going through the discard stage - removing any need for me where possible...

    then there is my son - fact is she doesn’t like my son... he needs a safe space to mature... although he’s pretty across my wife’s mental musings and hasn’t let that bother him in any way...

    additionally I have probably (without really thinking about it) have let her have it her way with most things ...

    I made a mistake when we met - i ignored warning signs and there were a few - I thought they were moments that wouldn’t reappear but things have just really continued along the same path they always have since we’ve been together just dramatically accelerated after getting married - yeah sure there’s a different therapist now and there a different argument between us for this breakup but it’s all remarkably just the same ole stuff...

    I spoke with one of her daughters last night just to let her know where things were ... she hadn’t even noticed that her mum and I hadn’t been speaking - I nearly giggled... fact is her mum and Real dads relationship was such a dysfunctional silent treatment this to her probably feels right at home...

    I did say this isn’t how a good partner should be but I think she knows - she’s got a pretty good grounding for having to have been in her own personal process With mum for so many years...

    looking back on my profile name and picture “the far side” - I can see why the chicken wants to get to the other side lol . Chicken want out- chicken want out...

  19. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    30 March 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    I thought I’d pretty much heard it all but - I guess there’s always room for more...

    today I was told that my son (Primary school age) has been conspiring to ensure that my wife and I would fail...

    she could not be further off base - He has been so easy to get along with given she has been my next partner after his mum... not a single word has passed his lips regarding remarriage or where he lives etc...

    the justification for the above - apparently he sat in the front seat of the car once, he had run through the house a couple of times and forgotten to say Thankyou on a couple of occasions...

    Oh that also made me and his mum totally poor parents...

    Given my wife does no house chores whatsoever at all where he’s concerned, doesn’t talk to him and has not a kind word to say about him I’d say that the BPD jealousy just came out in brute force...

    I wanted to laugh - it was so ridiculous - she was blaming him as the reason we would fail - his two days with us a fortnight where she was not required or expected to help in any way...

    In her eyes it’s not anything she had done or said...

    All that despite showing the example by respecting her children and the role they play in her life ...

  20. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2757 posts
    30 March 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    Shyt man , that's bloody rough and so off the mark , just wrong.

    Wish l had some words of wisdom my friend but if there's one thing l learnt , it just was throw logic out the window.

    You know there's so much out there on the net now , maybe you could dig up a forum specializing in bpd , maybe you could find some answers and advice in something like that.

  21. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    137 posts
    19 April 2020 in reply to randomx

    Update time.

    there is basically no communication between us - the few moments there are that are in text or verbal are littered with comments designed to provoke...

    I’ve shut down emotionally and physically with her - I have no respect Left. In my head and heart it’s gone and it should’ve been that way back in November 2018 when I typed my first post... that first post only came after a long time of suffering ...

    Of course She has blamed my son for our demise again - that he has conspired to make us separate. I know The fact is it’s not true ... I know he has been respectful and polite to her because that’s what I and his mother have educated him to be... aside that he just doesn’t have that kind of mind or heart let alone the desire.

    She spends no time with him anyway for him to be disrespectful to her - she on the other hand has no respect for the role he plays in my life...

    but it’s ever the BPD way to blame others and take no responsibility for what they bring. It’s an excuse worn thin by the passage of time without any real meaningful improvement.

    They blame those who cannot defend themselves ...

    While the world is in confined quarters my wife and I are Stuck together .... separately we are putting our own brand of work into the house to get it ready for a time when a sale would be more promising...

    None of us in life are perfect... we all have moments where we put our head in our hands and go D’oh.
    move done and I know I have contributed to parts of the negative aspects of our relationship.

    Most of us take responsibility for these things and learns to be better humans.
    it’s taken me awhile to acknowledge inside myself that This person I have been with is just toxic and is in reality no good for me as a person...

    it’s a lesson I’d wished I’d experienced in my twenties tho...

    For those in the midst of something similar - if your “gut “ is telling you something is wrong - listen And listen hard - it’s in all Likley good your values telling you this situation isn’t 4 you.

    2 people found this helpful
  22. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12351 posts
    19 April 2020 in reply to TheFarSide

    TheFarSide

    I am not sure what to say. You have expressed so much and been so incredibly real and honest in last 5 months.

    You wanted to give it your best and for a while it looked like the relationship would work.

    BPD as you know is a terrible illness, and your wife has suffered trauma to behave like she does. That does not mean you have to cope with her comments that judge and hurt.

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I hope by writing here you have learnt more about yourself.

    Thanks again for sharing your journey.

  23. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2757 posts
    4 December 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    How are you going FS , if you happen to drop in ?

    Hope you and the family have been ok.

    All the best. rx

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