Yeah, I swear I don't know anyone with the appalling sort of luck I have. I'm so drained, and poor and hungry and tired. It sucks. I try not to stew, but it's tough when I know what I need and can't even catch enough of a break to rest and recoup before I go after it. It's been a constant battle with more on my plate than I can deal with for so, so long. I still often wonder if there's any point being alive if there's just going to be some other disaster the minute I fix this one. That pattern has remained unbroken for such a long time. But I have my responsibilities, and I continue on. If I can nerd out for a second and quote the Jem'Hadar (for the uninitiated, this is a Star Trek reference): "victory is life".

I don't believe you did mention the new job (maybe on another thread?). When you say "decimation", do you mean the job isn't good, or are you referring to your depression rolling in in spite of the change? A new job is good. Though getting up early to exercise... also good if you're up to it, but are you? Sounds like you're struggling with all the things you're doing, and need to find some balance. Even good things you can have too many of. Perhaps prioritise and don't beat yourself up if you sleep in sometimes or put off study for a bit and do a last minute assignment sometimes. Not that I'm endorsing neglecting those things exactly, but getting enough sleep is paramount, in my opinion, then eating, then exercise. You're going to know in yourself when you're taking on too much, and what you need to ease up on to find that balance. I just hope you don't burn yourself out.

I am definitely trying actively to counter my crappy circumstances. I'm feeling a bit better because my other half has had an idea or two. I've been catching up on sleep at his place when possible, which is helping a lot, and I've had a couple of surprise shift changes recently, to afternoons. Some of it's temporary and there's still so much more to be done, but it's a start. I have no intention of wallowing in this.

Or something's gone funny with this thread. Have been able to post in others, but now two posts for this one have not come up. Sigh.

Ah, one finally worked. I can't remember what I put in the big long one that disappeared. Might turn up tomorrow, edited. Otherwise, I'll have another crack at it then. So tired now, and have to work tomorrow. Time to try and relax for a bit and watch something mindless before bed. Night Joelle. Hope you're getting some rest, and finding some peace.

On a side note, don't think I mentioned it, but I like your photo. That wry smile captures my sense of your personality nicely.

It'll probably turn up tomorrow...I had the same problem.

Goodnight BC. Thank you for the compliment, I appreciate it.

I can understand the luck problem. But, I try to think that it isn't personal. Everything either arbitrarily goes well or goes badly and the important thing is how we treat both situations. No matter how persistent either one can be. Although, it sounds like you could use a good day. I understand also questioning why we must persist with living. We derive our own solutions, and you have decided. Hah, I wish everyone would nerd out more on here.

The job is okay, it's manageable, but...I didn't go into it feeling strong mentally, so mental decimation really. I was already putting everything on the back burner so, this added time consumption makes it more urgent. There is urgency when it comes to studies because I have an exam in less than a month and am about a month behind on my studies...Being in full swing depression already makes me feel like I've taken on too much, you know? But, I persist...because if I didn't have these things, that keep me on a path that leads out of here...well I might not be able to derive a "reason" if you know what I mean. Exercise and eating, these are the things my psychiatrist tells me I have to work on, that my meds will help with this (thought it'll take a month), and a routine incorporating all will be my key to counteract the depression. I just need to will myself to do it...and there's the problem...

Based on this, I think the lack of structure in your life may also be contributing to how you feel. I am truly glad that you are feeling better, that you are persisting. Though it may be a double standard, I am glad. After all, "Victory is life!"

I'm supposed to be joining some sort of club to keep me busy but most of the clubs in my town are just for all the old retired people. I'm part time employed, bored but a little worried about joining one of those clubs for old people. Do it anyway or avoid the small town talk amongst the oldies... i.e. "Oh. She said she's not busy. She mustn't be getting much work!"

Yeah, I know luck isn't personal. It's an awful lot easier to accept the bad stuff that directly relates to my own life choices, though. At least with that I can acknowledge the stuff up, make better choices, and move on. But when stuff bowls in that's beyond my control, and with such alarming consistency, I can't just shrug that off. I'm angry that no amount of hard work seems to improve my circumstances.

It does sound like you've got a lot of pressure on you, and I know exactly what adding depression to that is like. It's just about too much to go to the toilet, never mind work and study and all that looking after yourself business. But you're doing those things with goals in mind, and you're taking steps to improve your mental health along the way, and that's good (hopefully the meds start doing what they're meant to, soon). And uni is pretty forgiving in some ways. If you haven't, maybe explain to your tutor(s) that you've had some stuff to deal with (no need to go into detail) and are struggling a bit. It shouldn't be hard to get a bit of extra help, or extensions on assignments where needed, some private tutoring maybe or other resources to help you get caught up and feeling more confident for your exam. There are options to help you succeed.

Can't argue that lack of structure is a problem for me. Though the only structure I really must have as an individual is the ability to get a full sleep every day/night somewhere, somehow. Didn't think I was asking much, but life has really been giving me the finger, on that one. Good chance for a sleep-in this morning: neighbour killed it.

But other than that, today worked out to be surprisingly good. I know I've said my job sucks. Upper management are a disaster: under-staffing, constant cutbacks, etc. But the people in the trenches with me are great, otherwise I wouldn't have persisted for as long. My manager today, out of the blue, handed me a $20 gift card - a thank you, he said, for taking on board all the random shift changes lately. As much a lifeline, I think, because he knows I've been struggling. Now I can go out at least once this week without destroying my food budget. So I'll finish up on another nerdy note: "Qapla'!" (I'll be so, so pleased if you know what that means.)

Hi Strong100,

I wonder if you would mind me asking why you are "supposed" to be joining a club?

Maybe make a list of pros and cons. This is a bit clichéd, I know, but it may help organize your thoughts on the matter.

Hi Strong100,

The best question here is do you want to join a club? If so, what sort of club do you want to join? The impression is you're in a small town, so your options may be limited, though is there another town or city within a reasonable distance that you can get to if an option you like better is there? It's not quite the same as a physical thing, but if you're not nuts about the company in the clubs you can go to, online clubs or groups are an option, with physical get-togethers a possibility for holidays.

Try not to worry too much about what you're "supposed" to do. Do what's genuinely good for you.

Blue.

Hey Joelle,

Happy to report I'm having another decent day (not sure if you saw my last longer post, it kinda got lost up there among the little ones). Day off work today and neighbour didn't wake me up for once (I can only assume he wasn't home). Date with my big bro soon, and got to talk to an old chum last night I haven't heard from in ages. For the moment, at least, everything's coming up Milhouse! Gonna hang onto that while I can.

Hope you're having a better day than you have been, lately. And if you're not, I'm still here to talk to.

Hey BC, I thought I replied to both of them...

I'm happy for you. The tone of your message is quite telling actually, it's nice to see. I'm glad that you have a little of that social aspect back so you don't feel so lonely. Definitely hang on to that.

I'm kind of coasting a neutral plane right now. I had these weird dreams that are having me question my sense of what I fear and do not really. Analytical rather than emotional. Indifference is not good for the friends, but from where I'm coming, I'm okay with it.

All good, and thanks. The few shift changes to afternoons lately have made a huge difference. If only it could last. Making the most of it while it does, because I can actually see people without sacrificing too much sleep.

Dreams can be a rude surprise about that sort of stuff, but ultimately, delving into those questions will be a good and useful thing. Having something to analyse definitely helps keep me going. If I've got something to pull apart and that can give me new answers, new leads to follow to resolve things, I do okay.

Can relate about indifference. To others it may not be great, but to those of us who abhor emotions in the first place and know misery is the most likely of them to crop up most of the time anyway, it can be a good time-out. It's a tool in itself, and definitely useful for the analytical process.

Off now, I'll be back later, no doubt.

I have just been to the art store, a mindfulness exercise if ever there was any. It is definitely a physical happy place, but not too great on the wallet.

Yea, my dreams are vivid and strange. Only a couple of weeks ago it sent me into a spiral but last night would have been up a scale on the spiral factor, but nothing. I wonder if I'm finally desensitized or really indifferent to the max right now. Meh.

Chat later

Art shop sounds good. Assuming that's an indication of your passtimes, what sort of art are you into? I've dabbled with sketching, but not brilliant at it. More skilled with prose and photography.

I think sometimes even with depression, you reach a plateau where things just don't reach you quite the same way any more. I've evened out to an underlying state of unpleasantness, but no big highs and lows, regardless of what's going on. Maybe something like that for you, too?

Really good day for me today, but that flat feeling didn't budge for long and I'm irked with myself for being largely impervious to proper enjoyment. Oh well. Victory is life, and all that.

I dabble in sketching but I go between graphite and charcoal. I have recently been interested in using ink. I found these excellent brush pens which you can fill with water so you don't have to keep dipping into the water for ink or watercolour. I too like photography. This hobby has overtaken the other two because drawing is a very personal thing for me and I don't feel like I have the privacy where i am. I started a photoblog which I would share but cannot.

I think that you are right, things aren't reaching me the same way. I recognise it from before as well. There are things I can feel so keenly and everything else is meh.

I understand that so completely...not taking advantage of the good feeling and feeling it in its entirety rather than just acknowledging that you had a good day. One of my fears is that

ave stopped knowing how to have enjoyment again. Mainly because I put too much pressure on every situation.

Anyway, more from me later, I, I have to go to work now.

I'm really glad that you are having a really good day today :)

Hi,

I hope you guys don't mind, I just want to let you know I try to keep up with your thread here but my mind is tired so I find the breadth of what you write too much for me to join in. Joelle you wrote about the art shop being a physical happy place - that is exactly how I feel in art shops. When I was at my very worst with the first type of meds they put me on, just being in an art shop had an amazing calming effect on me. I went to one to buy a special birthday present that I couldn't get hubby to do from a list so it was just by random chance that I went there in such a bad state. It was truly amazing. I just love them. My hubby says he feels the opposite... he finds the clutter and "noise" of so many things in such small spaces and that they are often packed quite high makes him feel anxious and claustrophobic. Funny.

When I have time to be me, I dabble (but have no formal training) in sketching, oils, prose and have two partial books both with full plot outlines and all thought through, just awaiting some time, perhaps when my children are a little older. So now I settle for making party decorations and cakes and face painting and balloon tying for my kids lol.

With the sketches you do in charcoal, how do you appropriately store them to ensure they don't smudge, if you don't mind me asking?

Cheers,

Carol

Hey Carol, just letting you know that zi have seen your post and will reply properly. It's 4 am, I'm supposed to be exercising and I'm literally having trouble putting my socks on

Hi Carol,

Of course we don't mind you being here. I'm sorry your brain is tired. That's what I am feeling the tail end of because I was put on new meds. Last week was bad. I am glad though that you also have a physical place of happiness. It really helps. Aw, I'm sorry about hubby, but the things he hates about it are the things I love. You get to touch everything, there's something earthy about a good art store. I don't like the clinical ones. Less freedom for the digits to roam...

I have no formal training either, just whatever came out of me in high school. The last two years of high school I wanted to commit to making myself better in art and I was told I didn't take a "humanities" unit and therefore couldn't take art. I did IB.

Is that oil paint or pastels? I love the feel and vibrance of oil-based colours. You sound quite creative, and I am immensely impressed at you even starting a book, let alone two. You will have time. I pick up these things when everything is calm and safe in my head and I have the time...which is rare...But, at least you are getting a creative outlet. You must have a lot of patience, I have little cousins and I have seen what it takes to make a successful kids party. Another trait I commend you on. When I was in year 5, we had a "graduation from primary school, and I was helping decorate, and my job was to tie the balloons to these mugs we were getting with the school logo (why any 10 year old would want a mug is beyond me but I think that's why they attached the balloons). I was taken off that job because I was told my hands couldn't tie tiny knots fast enough, because they were too big. To this day, it is still difficult.

I generally do my artwork in a bound sketchbook, it has the thicker paper so I can do ink work. You have to use a workable fixative. If you go into your art store, anyone should be able to help you find it. Otherwise, online shopping! Since moving, I don't have one here and my charcoal is sitting in the corner waiting to be used. I haven't found a decent art store here and apparently, there really isn't one and it's better to get it shipped, which takes away that feeling... :/

I did buy these things called paint pens, shall be using them soon.

Of course I don't min you asking, you put up with my ramblings.

Hope that helps

Joelle

Glad you decided to join us, Carol. You're most welcome. Sounds like you guys are both more arty than I, but I agree about the atmosphere of art shops. There's something inviting about it, and I see all this stuff I never knew about or haven't tried out, and it does inspire my creative side.

I like that you've done a bit of writing, too. How could we book nerds not give it a go? I've written a few stories over the years, and started a book at one point (it was the basis of my thesis back in my studying days), and the sketches I did were of various alien species and characters. Sadly, haven't had the right conditions for writing in years, thus haven't needed sketches, so photography has taken over as my creative outlet. It's less time intensive, but I enjoy it a lot.

Joelle, your mention of the vibrance of oil-based colours made me think of my favourite painter, Leonid Afremov. If you're not familiar with his work, I recommend checking it out. I find it really calming, and have a copy of Loneliness of Autumn in my lounge (he paints them to order).

Kind of a pity we can't easily share examples of our visual art on here, isn't it? Except maybe in profile pictures. I'd love to see what you guys create.

Yea, it feels like a room full of potential.

I started writing two books but had no follow through. Wrote a couple of short things as well, and I've settled into occasional blogging. I used to have a depression blog where I would write all my raw emotions, no holding back, but in one state of "who really cares about me?" I deleted it. I feel the loss but...i've learned that no one really wants to keep up with all that heaviness if it doesn't apply to them. (I sound bitter...)

I will definitely check it out BC, thanks :) ilI hope you find the right time and space to get back into the writing and sketching, sounds like you enjoyed it.

It is a shame I think

Still feeling really flat. Third week of it, now, and it's getting really exhausting. I miss enjoying things properly.

Awake still at 3am, and no-one to talk to, so I'm going to vent here. Did touch earlier on a point in a conversation with my brother that may be relevant to my troubles. Anger. Ever noticed how, even when you have every right to be angry, or to rally at just how unreasonable a situation is, if you express your anger it is rejected? Ignored, laughed off, redirected, or worse, you get to hear all that positive thinking rubbish. I don't want to think positive. I don't want to hear it will be okay. It's not okay and I'm angry and why the hell shouldn't I be? I don't direct my anger at anyone I'm talking to, I don't commit acts of violence, however tempting it may be. So why do I have to pretend at all times I have no anger, like it's not valid at all? You know what that does? It turns inward and adds to the depression. Every now and then (like now) I realise that's becoming automatic because there's just no permissable outlet for it. But life isn't all sunshine and lollipops, and maybe I want a damn lollipop now and then!

Let me applaud you BC! Yes! I want a damn lollipop. I'm surrounded by blasted angry people and et my anger is unfounded. I am surrounded by people about who make jokes about seeing the psychiatrist like who would ever do that? Even after outing myself to my parents which was the last thing I ever thought I would do and every instinct was telling me no and reason was telling me yes, the best that I can get given is for it to be ignored rather than validated. Out the other ear because no one liked to heard. And damn it all, this depression has got me either angry or on my ****ing knees. And the positive thinking crap...I have felt like screaming for approximately 3 weeks. Thank you for writing this.

I'm sorry you're having a sleepless night.

I myself am back on my knees because yesterday when I thought I finally figured a workable solution to my suddenly hectic requirements, I got home at 5.30 pm and crashed so hard, I'm still not properly awake. Which I can understand can be seen as at least I got some sleep...sorry.

I actually will start punching walls. I take inward anger to extremes, do you also?

I apologize for the typos, sometimes my brain goes faster than my hands, even when correcting...

I am crying now because I still feel tired and I have to be this person who I don't really even know anymore, or don't recognize for the next 12 hours...I feel like I'm ripping in two and I can feel each bit of me that tears

Sorry, just needed to vent

No need to apologise, I completely understand. I've had so many days like that. Have had to learn when to take a sick day and get my head right so I can continue on. Not ideal, but it helps when I can do it.

As for my anger, it's all about my ****hole neighbour at this point. This creature that lives in selfishness and disrespect and disregard. I managed to get about six hours sleep as he didn't start up so early today, but he's at it right now and it makes me so damn angry. I haven't wanted to start something with the cops because I don't want it escalating, but I see I have no choice.

This is where I was at last night, knowing even if I wasn't trying to sleep that this guy's behaviour would sooner or later intrude on my ability to relax and rest and be mentally healthy, no matter what I do, every single day. Reasoning with someone like this is impossible. There wasn't anything I could do about it last night, so I (apparently foolishly) had another crack at 7 Cups of Tea just for someone to talk to. Got through straight away this time, but the guy was useless. I know they're not professionals, but who gives platitudes and stock phrases and denial to someone who is fighting depression? "You're a good person"? How do you know, and what the hell does that have to do with anything? "Ur fine"? No I'm damn well not or I wouldn't be here, and learn how to spell.

That was an "aha" moment for me. Getting angry with that silly man who had no idea what he was doing made me realise just how much I've been pushing down anger about so many things. Sure I've vented a bit about this neighbour, but not nearly to the full extent of how angry it makes me. And I'm not just angry about that. About how damn unreasonable it is that I keep finding myself fighting battle after battle after battle, never getting to draw breath between one and the next. It doesn't solve anything to be angry or to express it, but it doesn't have to fester in me either.

I was with my ex for about 8 years, and he had huge problems with anger. He'd had too much of it around him as a youngster and just couldn't handle me showing it, even when it wasn't directed at him (which it usually wasn't). Obviously I didn't want to scare or hurt him, so in the end it became second nature to just stamp down on my anger and it seems I still do. It has no outlet and hasn't for years, so I don't even really feel it; I'm finding situations that make me angry automatically just turn to depression. I had a realisation like this a few months back, but apparently that understanding didn't stick and I resumed doing it. I guess because most of the time no-one wants to know. It's even less acceptable than being sad.

I'm glad you understand, and that my little rant last night was of some help to you. It falls down the same chute as dealing with depression itself, I guess. Our anger is valid. It has reason, we're not just emotional little girls, and we deserve to be heard. What we're going through isn't okay, and why the hell shouldn't we be angry? It's not like we're taking it out on anyone, so why can't we just say it and not be judged or invalidated? This is my lesson. Learn to recognise it for what it is before it turns in on me, and let it out.

Hey BC, I will reply properly later on. I'm in the middle of my working day and if I open myself up to the emotions I know are in there and are barely being suppressed, I'll implode or explode...

I am curious as to what your neighbour does? If you don't mind the question...

It's the classic tale of a bad neighbour. Loud "music" (hardly music in my opinion). Extremely over the top bass, like living next to a night club, except it happens during the day and he's across the road not next door and still managing to be extremely disruptive. Tried ear plugs, my own music, ear phones blasting the absolute daylights out of my ears (bound to have damaged my hearing some, already). Nothing blocks it out. I can't sleep when I need to, can't relax, can't focus on anything. When I ask him to turn it down, he throws a tantrum and either it stays the same or he turns it up. Dude's almost as old as me, and living with his parents. Tried talking to them, too, and the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree. It's not like I expect anyone to tiptoe around, but shaking the s*** out of a house across the road is past acceptable behaviour even during the day. It needs to stop.