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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Topic: Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

  1. Strong100
    Strong100 avatar
    24 posts
    10 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    Oh! I meant I'm 'supposed to be joining a club' because it's the psychologist's suggestion. To build my social contact, make friends etc. I understand also why you're asking that question and I am thinking.
  2. Strong100
    Strong100 avatar
    24 posts
    10 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue,

    Good ideas. Thanks.

  3. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    10 May 2016 in reply to Strong100
    You're welcome. Feel free to ask more questions if you need to, or let us know how things are going if you want to talk about it. :)
  4. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    10 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey BC,

    Oh your neighbours sound absolute crap. They remind me of my parents actually...I'm convinced them and their loud music forced a neighbor to move. I mean, I enjoy my loud music but house shaking is another story. Definitely get the cops involved, hopefully it can help you resolve one issue. I get you, you suppress and suppress and suddenly, there's this boiling rage and you don't even know why sometimes.

    7 cups is less and less a go to for me. I think if you reddit alternatives, there's a thread with personal reviews. My cousin asked me how I was and I told her I was a second away from falling apart, that the thought of going to work and pretending (as I mentioned earlier) felt like I was being ripped apart and each little tear I can feel enormously. She told me "You can do it" and "Just go to work" I usually say I can't talk to her about these things but I never learn. On this one, I have. It just means there's one person less to actually talk to. But, I guess we learn when we are ready to. It's one thing to keep acknowledging mistakes and another to actually learn from it. We're learning at least. I'm glad you are taking something constructive from your situation. I guess the next step is having a "healthy" outlet to feel your anger. Give credence to it. And you are absolutely right, we should be allowed to feel what we feel without having to justify it to anyone. If you have to justify, you are not really respected.

    I hope you get to sleep tonight. I would have kept you company yesterday but I crashed so hard, let me tell you. It's like 3 days is all I can run for without my brain having a breakdown. You know what it's like? A computer that never "shuts down" properly, cannot reboot to a previous version which worked well, where the problem currently cannot be fixed and the battery is bad, so you're stuck in an endless cycle of trying to fix, unable to, crash, repeat. The time difference between us means I could be up in your early AMs.

  5. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    10 May 2016 in reply to Strong100
    Hey strong, ah, that makes sense. I was told to do that also, no friends you see. I joined meetups but just don't go. Definitely do it if you're comfortable only, otherwise it wouldn't serve a purpose...Blue had some good suggestions :)
  6. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Crap's an understatement, and moving isn't an option. You know, I went through absolute hell with the bank to keep my house, and I have some stupid, selfish **** trying to drive me out of it. Hell no! I don't accept that, and I don't have to!

    It's not so much that I get boiling rage coming up. That sort of rage is very rare for me. I have my little rants, but mostly the feeling of anger is quite muted; the bit I realise is there floats off the top and the rest burrows in like a tick and kicks off all its toxins. It's funny that just being kinda mad at some guy on 7 Cups with good intentions but no clue made me stop and think about the nature of anger. I'll have a goosie at Reddit, and see what it comes up with.

    Forgive me for this, but it sounds like your family are just a bunch of jerks. Though, you did say you were a long way from home. Is it perhaps a cultural thing, the attitude they have to acknowledging emotions and treating others with respect? Or is it just your family being jerks?

    I'm vaguely considering opening a new thread on here about anger. Seems like a worthwhile discussion in and of itself, and I wonder if an open conversation about it would be constructive for others as well. Seems to be doing us some good. I've been thinking back on old techniques I had when I was still allowing myself to be angry. Went to work listening to Linkin Park's "Faint" on repeat (the lyrics are perfect for my mood), which helped quite a bit. Came home listening to Metallica's "Shoot Me Again" - also highly appropriate lyrics, possibly for both of us. I used to have a large bottle of water hung up in the carport that I would beat the crap out of, too. Sometimes the string would break and it would go flying across the yard. A satisfying thing in itself. Might reinstate that.

    Sorry you're struggling so hard with work. When you're studying as well, especially something as intensive as I imagine your degree to be, it's a lot of pressure even without depression on top of it. Your description of a computer that never shuts down properly and cyclical crashes is very, very familiar. Try and get as much sleep as you can, that's a huge factor (says me, with less than four hours to get up... but, my own fault this time), and take a time out when you can to do something you find relaxing. I know I've been hammering this, but my Nature Sounds app has helped a lot with that, and sitting in the sun when it's an option. Oh, and vent on here as much as you need to.

  7. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    Forgive me for being so ummm late in your thread. Its 12:55am and just read about the PC/Laptop that crashes all the time.....Even though I am a tech head..google 'System Mechanic Professional' through iolo's home page only. I am using a 12 year old Hewlett Packard Mini Tower with Windows XP Professional (which is redundant)

    This 'cleaning' software has been a gift and this HP PC keeps firing on all cylinders...anyhoo....I hope you have a good day at work...I will be sleeping in and relaxing...;-)

    Paul

  8. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Yea, definitely don't accept it.

    Yea, I get that muted anger, it is the type more likely to end up with the anxiety an the depression. Burrowing is a good word for it. I suppose getting out the anger in a boiling rage, which I also feel is better? Though I don't tend to let it out in a healthy way.

    My family certainly can be. They have this pride about them that they cannot put down. If it goes against their pride, they won't have anything to do with it. They berate for sport. I actually got disgusted one time last year when my father answered the phone and started talking to the guy on the other end of it like he was worth less than the dirt under his shoe. And he yelled and degraded and dismissed. And I thought the guy got insulting or something to loosely justify being treated like that (I don't agree with anybody being treated like that), but when my dad hung up...he started laughing saying it was fun to yell like that and that these people deserve it. No one deserves it. It just brought back all those memories when mum would degrade me and make me cry and all she would say Is "well, the truth hurts." I don't actually have a place that I identify with as "home". I struggle with that concept. My parents have a lack of respect in general because of their pride. They feel like they are owed something in this world, especially by their kids. Their anger is the reason I hate my anger.

    Yea, I'm sure a discussion about anger might stimulate some good thoughts. It is an emotion that is rarely spoken about, as you have said.

    I'm just doing single units at the moment. I'm not having trouble at work per se, just having trouble with life and having to force myself to function. I am trying to apply a routine which was recommended but I'm having problems instigating it, and how my meds affect me etc.

    How come you're awake this time?

    Hah, nice one Paul. A 12 year old computer, wow. I'm impressed. Hope your sleep is sweet

  9. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Sorry Blue...to Hijack your thread..

    I was about to go to sleep Joelle...You are beautiful and I hope you are doing okay xx

    Paul

  10. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to blondguy
    You're always welcome to drop in, Paul. My computer's not really crashing - that was a metaphor. Performance could certainly use some perking up, though, so your advice will likely be handy. I really liked XP and regretted "upgrading". Still using Windows 7 though, and not especially keen to move on to a later version. They just keep changing things for the sake of it rather than for legitimate reasons, and I don't care for it. As the saying goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
  11. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    What you described doesn't sound like pride at all, Joelle, it sounds like insecurity. Someone who is secure in themselves and genuinely proud of their achievements/kids/sports team/whatever doesn't need to berate or belittle or disrespect anyone. It takes a small, petty, fearful mindset to make someone lash out that way to feel good, and it's doubtful they do actually feel good.

    I've seen time and again people feeling inadequate and powerless refusing to take responsibility for themselves, their feelings and actions and failures, trying to pull others down to feel as small as they do. I have been subject to that sort of behaviour myself. Sadly I've never seen someone who thinks like this change or grow. They tend to alienate themselves and become very unhealthy and just blame everyone else.

    Just try and remember that 98% of how others treat you has nothing to do with you. It's all about them. Their experience, their perceptions and feelings and filters. That doesn't make it fun to deal with, but it helps to understand that it's not so much you they're belittling as themselves. If they put a huge amount of pressure on you, it's possibly because they see you as their creation, something they can control, that might just make them look good in the ways they want to look good when they couldn't do it for themselves.

    I'm going to take a wild guess that your parents are living lives doing what they think they're supposed to, instead of what makes them happy.

    Back to the anger (I think I will start that thread, when I'm less tired), I'm not sure boiling rage is any better for you than my habit of hitting mute, but in both cases we feel what we feel, and finding a healthy outlet is the main thing. Both can be pretty destructive, without that. Hoping that thread will yield some good ideas when it gets going.

    I was still up so late partly because I finished work a bit late, partly because my shoulder was hurting, and party because I get distracted easily. Hey, that dog has a puffy tail. Here Puff! Hehehe!

  12. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    You know, part of me is like, she's talking about your parents, insulting them, stick up for them. But mostly, you're right. They think they're innocent in all the demolition that follows them. If they think they have the upper hand, they think they've won. It's not the kind of pride based on achievements, it's the kind of pride where their dignity is at stake. Or, they think it is. Appearing weak affects that, hence the non-acknowledgement of my depression or anyone else's. Yup, controlling people. All Sri Lankans are though, part of the culture. And yea, my parents did that. Couldn't afford to go to school past grade 9 or 10, so straight to work. I will give them their credit, they worked hard and got to give me and my brother education

    I defend them because they are my parents, you know? Love them but would never choose to be their friend.

    I'll be keeping a lookout for that thread.

    Fluffy tails are an excellent excuse to stay up

  13. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    11 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    I certainly won't criticise you for defending your parents. I don't share my mum's Christian faith, but there's something to some of her favourite phrases, one being "hate the sin, love the sinner". I know your parents for the negative consequences their actions have had on your life, and my role is to help you through that. You, on the other hand, know them as whole people with personal histories and cultural influences and I would hope a few positive traits, and I'm glad you acknowledge those things as well as the bad stuff. Truth is seldom black and white.

    I would like to believe that we're all built with something to contribute, and the potential for redemption when we don't live up to that. As individuals, we have a choice in those things. Sounds like your folks have fortitude and stubbornness and a solid work ethic that could be put to better uses than they sometimes are.

    You haven't mentioned your brother before. He's the one person who has seen what you've been through, and likely experienced similar. I hope you have a good relationship with him, as a sibling is perhaps the best support you can have in such matters.

    Chance for a nap, now (albeit not at home). Gonna take it.

  14. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    12 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    The ratio is definitely skewed from my point of view. I actually want to just have my distance. Don't need to associate with them at all, no matter how cold that sounds, or ungrateful It is what it is. Their grip is too tight on me. Maybe, once I get that distance, the good would be more clear. Different perspective and all that.

    I believe that we do all have something to contribute, and that includes the bad stuff. If we didn't have the bad, we couldn't recognize good. Generally, we judge something based on its opposite, and then we give it magnitude. Depression sort of screws with this balance. I believe, also, that for redemption to take place, a sort of forgiveness has to take place, whether to yourself or to others. I get caught in this, because I don't knw how to forgive myself for the things I have done to myself. I have also actually blamed myself for having depression, like I consciously made the decision to be depressed or stay that way. It's ridiculous, I know, but I know it separate to myself. The knowledge is there, the practice isn't. That's where the disconnect is. My counsellor is trying to help me move away from the self blame. She actually pointed it out to me, that I do blame myself, and then I really thought about it. I did it without knowing. I always hold myself accountable for the things that happen to me, so why not depression?

    I agree about my parents. But, it's too late to change them as they are convinced that they cannot.

    My brother is another individual who I wanted to get away from, now that I have, it's a much better relationship. We talk maybe once every couple of weeks via text. About geeky stuff really. We can geek out. That's what we have. But, he was treated differently to me by my parents. Was favoured. They say no, but I noticed it as a child even, and still notice it. I always used to complain as a child that everyone in the house hated me, and I would fantasize about being anywhere. And I didn't even have a place because what do you know of the world at 4 or 5 or even 15? I was constantly mocked because I kept voicing it. Now nothing comes out and they can't stand the silence, but it's the only way I survive, barely. I will say that he does realise that my parents' form of support is retroactive. Prove it to them first then they'll say they always supported your decisions.

    I'm making my way through some choc pudding while contemplating study or sleep...oh the decisions...

  15. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    12 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    I've decided that there isn't enough pudding...
  16. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    13 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    It does sound like distance from your parents is the safest thing for you. Their actions have negatively impacted on your life and clearly continue to do so. Staying in a situation like that will hamper your healing and possibly muddy your perspective. I hope that distance can give you the respite you need and maybe even improve your relationship a bit, as it has with your brother.

    I kind of understand what you're saying about forgiving yourself. I'm perhaps not quite as hard on myself as you are, but in moving forward I frequently get angry with myself for not doing better with my depression when I know I've been putting in the hard yards to improve it. Like you I take responsibility for my actions and my emotions, and it's hard to accept that depression isn't something entirely in my control. Knowing that and feeling it definitely aren't the same thing.

    I'm sorry you were subject to unequal treatment by your parents. That can be hard on a sibling relationship. There was a bit of that for my siblings and I, too. Dad is very old school in his thinking about male and female roles. My siblings and I are not. At all. Whilst I was the one keen to drive and work and things like that, it was my brother (who wasn't interested or especially competent) he invited to go and work on the farm with him for a bit, and it was my brother he bought a car (though he didn't want to drive and years later still doesn't), while I was only told condescendingly "a motor car's a big responsibility" when I told him I was getting my licence. That sort of thing has been really frustrating, but we thankfully were able to set aside parental attitudes when relating to each other, and over the years Dad has watched me get where I'm going in spite of his attitude, and I think is growing to respect me in his own way. Sadly I think my sister was much more sensitive to the lack of support and still doesn't drive or work or have much confidence to do those things, though there are signs she wants to do both. I encourage her as much as I can.

    ...And is there ever enough pudding? Nay, methinks not. Sticky date for me, or rice pudding.

  17. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    13 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Pudding is great...might get me some more.

    Distance is definitely the safest for me, but it won't happen for a year max (I hope). So, I'm trying to stay sane and safe in the mean time...though it seems to get harder every day.

    I know I'm hard on myself...I don't know how to stop, I don't know if I want to because it's the thing that pushes me to keep trying for things that I want, and on good days, I can achieve a lot. But, with the forgiveness...I don't know how to forgive self abuse in all the forms they took, because each time it was a choice (though it felt like I didn't have any). I let it get out of control. The counter argument is that my brain didn't develop proper coping mechanisms, culminating in that behaviours, or the depression did it, which means I don't have control. Which one is worse? You know?

    I'm sorry you went through that as well, but I'm glad your siblings don't thinkin that way. And the fact that you have accomplished things in spite of the discrimination, it's a testament to your character nd perseverance. Things that can help to remember when you feel depressed. I'm sorry that your sister feels stuck though. You're a good sis to encourage her.

    My brother comes to my aid sometimes, but he doesn't treat me as his equal, which is why I couldn't handle it. Actually, after formally leaving Aus last year,I visited in Jan, that's when the slippery slope of depression started up again this year, because I thought I was doing okay before this point. The day we landed (because we went back to the homeland for Christmas and I went back to Aus with the bro), he sighed this huge sigh of relief saying he as so glad he didn't have to deal with the parents anymore, and that set it off. Just the thought of it for another year brought me so down. Then I realised that except for the three friends that I ended up with after filtering it down through the years, everyone else there who knew the both us; family and family friends, they all knew me in relation to him. Like I wasn't even my own person. Even at my cousin's wedding, she met her husband at a party that we both held. And in that ceremony he was the only one mentioned, his party at his house when they met. That hurt. They met again at his dad's party, and then at his mum's party. Etc. I felt like I didn't exist. And now that I'm here and don't know anyone, I'm practically confirming it everyday.

    My counsellor is sick and couldn't chat, and I needed it. Always the bad timing.

  18. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    13 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    What I read in that is that you do have three friends who know you as an individual. That's valuable. As the youngest sibling I was always the one known by association with my siblings, as well. But over time I just got about my business and asserted myself and my own identity without worrying about where my siblings fit in. I met various of my sister's old friends later on in life, and... one of them is now my bestie and has been for some 20 years. I know it can be hard to let go of that feeling of being no-one, but it's so freeing when you realise that the ones that don't see you as you don't even matter.

    I'm sorry your counsellor wasn't available to chat. Doubly so that I'm in a bit of a rush and can't make this quite the lengthy, well thought out post I'd like to. Just remember you do exist, you are someone, and very much your own individual. Personally, I think you're great. Will check in throughout the day, when I can.

  19. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    13 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Thanks for replying even though you're in a rush, I truly appreciate it.

    I do have three people who know me. And or of them who I'm super close to. One upset me really badly two days before I left, and one has always been in and out of my life. But, I still feel grateful, at least for that one. I don't know, I just feel really lonely with the distance.

    I'm only just getting used to seeing myself as an individual, as myself. For all my faults and my mental health, whatever. I think I only started seeing that I was one about 2 years ago, max, because I never felt that I was living this life for me. But making my decisions on my own and just letting people know and catch up if they wanted, family included really helps me. I don't think I would have survived this long if I wasn't changing my mindset. And I guess that's where the depression happening irrelevant of that kinda kicks you in the teeth, gets harder and harder to understand the more your life is getting on track. But, I am changing. I can tell you my family hates the new me, maybe because they are understanding that I don't need them or their opinions.

    I've always been independent but, I would consider them too much in my decisions. Just the way I was brought up, never understood it, but thought it was my duty. I'm sure I would feel liberated if I wasn't feeling trapped and secluded...and have this depression thing.

    I think you're pretty great too, you give me space to ramble, plus you like pudding. Can't find fault in that.

    I exist and I'm an individual. I think I'll keep telling myself in the mornings.

    You made me smile, thank you.

  20. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    13 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Glad I could make you smile, and I'm glad you're making som progress with seeing yourself as an individual. Thankfully that's something I never struggled with, but I do understand the thing about giving others a bit too much consideration in your decisions. I guess I've done a bit of that.

    Sorry that you're struggling with your friends being so distant. Some of my friends and family are only an hour away, and with my horrid schedule and so little money for fuel ​they may as well be across the world for how often I see them. It sucks.

    Should probably stop being anti-social, now. Waiting on dinner (which happily shall include pudding). Cheerio for now.

  21. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    13 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    I did actually reply to that some hours ago, but the post hasn't appeared. Yesterday I couldn't even get onto the website for most of the day, so I guess they're having some technical difficulties. Hopefully it turns up tomorrow.
    1 person found this helpful
  22. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues
    Sri Lankan food, choc pudding cup and some captain morgan after a math lec; I'm done and settling in for the night
  23. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Captain Morgan sounds good. In the mood for a drink, now. Having a quick break at work; it's too busy and my back hurts. Grumble, grumble.

    At least my disappearing post has turned up. Ugh, time to go back already. :/

  24. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    It is horrible, isn't it? To be so close but still quite far.

    What is it that you do? I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but I also can't fault your taste in recreational beverages. Though I prefer Kraken.

    I should go make a friend but...it's hard being social.

  25. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Yeah, it's pretty hard having them just near enough to be slightly out of reach.

    I'm a grunt in a supermarket (so much for my degree). It hasn't really been such a bad day, just a tiring one, and a very early start. I haven't tried Kracken, and only recently got into Captain Morgan, as it's my other half's drink of choice. Ex used to drink it too, but the pre-mixed cans, which smell vile and put me off it. Sub-standard cola can ruin an otherwise good drink.

    I think making friends is the same as finding romance; so much easier to do when you're not trying and don't particularly give a crap. I've found that just doing my thing my way and not hiding who I am has worked wonders for me in that department. Which isn't to say I'm the life of the party, but it has attracted a small number of exactly the right kind of people (i.e. deep thinkers that can carry on a meaningful conversation and get that I'm all f***ed up and will sometimes not want to see anyone for weeks). I recommend it.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    What happens when you feel like you've said all you can about your depression? You've described the same feelings a thousand different ways, over and over and over until it feels as repetitive as the depression itself. The thoughts aren't new, neither are the words. And the more you speak out the more it feels like complaint after complaint and you never liked complaining. Not in your nature. You'd gladly listen to others as they did so but you were always silent because your stuff always felt petty. And so now, it feels like you're being a burden. It feels less brave, less like catharsis, less like people care. Like you had your 15 minutes, now step aside, there are others, what more could you possibly say anyway?

    And you feed into it, get more and more quiet, listen to others, wonder what fresh way you could provide support because what you were going to say has already been said, so now, what use are you? And you slowly step back. A bit further each time, other people have got it covered.

    And then everything you've been talking about it hits you harder because you walked away from the support circle. You don't step back in, because again, same stuff different day. And you try other outlets and you realise even you don't want to listen to yourself anymore. And the thoughts swim in your head, you've worked yourself back into silence and day by day, you feel lonelier and lonelier. You can't bear yourself, you can't bear others. You feel dated. What then?

  27. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Oh...trust me, I'm not trying at all haha. I just meant that I feel uninspired to have friendships. My counsellor suggested that I make them to feel less alone in an environment I hate. But I agree, if it's organic, it works out just right. It's great you have understanding friends.

    Ah yes...the pre-mixed drinks...I recommend Kraken. And I also recommend ginger ale and lime with the captain instead of the cola. But cola is good too. I actually prefer spiced rum with ginger ale and lime.

    I think a lot of people say "so much for my degree" myself included. The day I graduated, I actually used it as a sort of umbrella against the drizzle. Just a piece of paper. Should have saved the paper and put it in an email actually. I do grunt work also, but less lifting..

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    I know what you mean about feeling like a stuck record going over and over the same stuff. It's mainly with my partner I feel that way. I can and do talk to him about everything, he's the one person who listens at any time of day or night (at least, around sleep/work/etc.) and is patient with me, but I'm so tired of coming to him with how bad I'm feeling. He's nothing but loving and understanding and reassuring, but I can't help worrying he'll just get sick of it. I'm so sick of it myself, sick of the same s*** coming up, and sick of my own company when I'm like this. Yet for some reason he perseveres and is completely unwavering.

    It's different with my friends, though. We don't see each other all that often, and when we do, we talk comprehensively about whatever's going on in our lives but the minute details don't keep coming up because there isn't that same level of constant contact. They know about my depression and poor social energy and all that stuff, so if for instance I knock back an invitation somewhere because I need some time on my own they get all the stuff that surrounds it and it doesn't need discussing. It's just "you know the deal", and they accept it. That said, as I've previously mentioned, my social group consists of a bunch of misfits with various mental problems themselves, so conversation about it (and pretty much anything else, too) is often comparative or theoretical and hugely in depth and informative because of it. In essence, like the conversation we are having now. You're definitely someone I'd hang out with. :)

    Can I ask about the circumstances under which you've made friends in the past? If they came to you, or you approached them, and in what way? I've had various cheery types invite me to work parties and such, and those are the friendships that are a bother to maintain, that just fade away. But the ones that have lasted have almost exclusively been the result of my policy of being kind to the oddballs and loners. Not in any overt way or intending to make lifelong friends, but they have tended to attach themselves to me and seek something more, which works because it's my experience that it's the weird and horribly damaged ones that make the best friends.

    As for work, the economy collapsed just as I left uni, which didn't help, but I can't even blame that. I was always in it for the learning and couldn't prioritise the job, so I made my own bed there. If it comes to matter enough, I'll fix it.

  29. lookingforme
    lookingforme avatar
    666 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Yea...I hear ya. When I was in my Honours year they cut funding to medical research so no one really wanted to hire a newly minted graduate who wasn't from the country. It's why I had to leave. I needed the job to stay. But, I am the same as you, I like to learn. If all things were equal, and everything we wanted was provided for us, I would still get an education, still "work" it's never been about the money. I just know I need it to live a bare minimum of a life.

    I just met my friends as a consequence of circumstance really. I was the way I was and if they liked it, they stayed, if I liked them, I stayed. I'm only counting the people I met in my adult life, not school. So, whomever I had the same units with or my lab partner, we had to speak to each other really. It just happened, never woke up in the morning and said "I'm going to make a friend today" Two of the three people I mentioned earlier was through uni and doing my degree. The third, who I consider my best friend, we met so randomly. I met her in Dubai just before an IELTS exam, and we were the only two in the room at first, and I noticed her Sri Lankan passport and she'd noticed my Sri Lankan passport and we just started speaking. It was probably the most comfortable convo I've had with a stranger. Then we didn't meet until Aus again. Met intermittently because she did business and I did science. We only really got close maybe 1.5 years ago. And we had no idea why we had wasted all that time. Uncannily, we had met previously at a third party's house a couple of times. I kind of just talk to anyone, misfit or not, if they ask and I feel it's genuine I reply. The ones who made it I essentially vibed with, and yea, we're all a little off center; the way we act or think, or both even. Definitely can have the spectrum of conversations with them. I agree with you, overtly bouncy, cheery ones I can't really put up with for long.

    I'm glad that you have a partner who you know you can go to with the same problems, and who you know will listen each time and support you.

    I think you're a pretty kind person, deep in thought and considerate, I can see why he would be unwavering and perseveres.

    Thanks Blue, I would definitely hang out with you too. In fact, I consider this hanging out :)

  30. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    14 May 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Learning and creating are where I find a bit of meaning in life. The rat race... not so much. Worrying about an impressive career and having all the shiny things everyone else has rather detracts from it, in my opinion. Granted, money is an unfortunate requirement, but I suppose having to work gets me out the house and I do occasionally make a friend, as previously mentioned.

    In many respects I like my job well enough. My peers on the bottom rung are a pretty agreeable bunch for the most part, my department manager is great, and I enjoy the physical nature of it. I look at my work as getting paid to exercise (I have great guns, and didn't go to the gym and pay for it), then I come home and indulge my mind (at least, when the rotten thing is working). It's just the structure of my shifts and the absurd decisions of upper management that make it a drag, because it's minimum hours over maximum days, not enough people to do all the work, and they're always trying to cut back more, to the point where we don't have the things the customers go there for in the first place... hence less profit, more cutbacks, etc. And I don't get any damn sleep and it stuffs up my social life. (*expletive deleted*) Sorry, that turned into a rant for a moment, there.

    Looks like we have much the same approach to social stuff. I'm not unkind to the popular ones, of course, I just don't leave out the weirdoes. Doesn't really mean much to the popular ones because they're used to favourable attention, but the ones that don't quite fit in respond pretty well to being treated like actual people. Although, that said, there is one friend I made fairly recently who is very well liked by all, but in conversation with me one day kind of just gushed out all this stuff about her social anxiety and how good it was to talk to someone she felt didn't want her to just put up a happy front. Said she liked how forthright I am and how I couldn't give a toss what people think of me, and wished she was more like that. That was a nice moment (genuinely, not just for my inflated ego). If you're lonely, keep doing what you're doing, just maybe don't hold back on asking someone you click with to join you for a coffee or something if you may not otherwise have done so.

    Thanks for the kind observations about me, too. You got a smile out of me. And I guess this is hanging out, albeit with censorship and the odd bit of the conversation disappearing for a day...

    2 people found this helpful

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