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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Topic: Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

  1. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    18 February 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Thanks, I'm quite relieved, I can tell you! Today almost no pain, it's a far cry from where I've been at the last couple of weeks. Physio did wonders. Pity work aggravates it again, so much.

    He is lovely, EM, in all the ways that work for me. He's a grumpy old man in a young body, he's depressed and he hates the world just like me, and that sort of puts us in a position of us against the world. Sure we're misfits, but it brings us closer.

    Ah, so like I thought, it's about jargon not intelligence. Of course you're going to have different knowledge and areas of expertise. I don't keep up with my partner's talk about his studies, and his eyes glaze over when I talk finances, haha.

    I have put The Chef Show on my Netflix list so I don't forget forever and anon. It's a start.

    My mum was like that, too, never saw her use a recipe. No burnt/frozen things though, she was good at what she did. I can credit Mum with focusing on healthy food, junk only very rarely. Didn't have your mother's medical background, but she was big on self-directed learning. As is Dad, for that matter, so it's no real surprise I and my siblings are also like that. They passed on a few good traits.

    I can't imagine the sort of upbringing your partner had, nor knowing anyone who had it. That said, my lovely man had it a lot better than I did. Always supported by both parents, never having to worry where the money was coming from, or the next meal - it's one good takeaway from his health being like it is, he'd be long gone without that support. He too has come away with a generous spirit (if not the naivete). I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a seed of bitterness, wishing I'd had something more like that than what I got lumped with, but I am very glad he had better.

    Haha, of course. You guys are somewhat more romantic of nature than we are. Yes, better to have the passport ready for whenever it becomes needed. Good luck getting a decent drier for $400. Mind you, it's a step in the right direction even if you can't.

    Our new second in charge will be off work for a month, soon. I'm sure muggins here will be picking up the slack (she's at least around in other roles on most of my days "in charge" to jump in and help physically or with decision-making when stuff goes wrong, and I will miss that profoundly). Neither my mind nor body are up to doing any more than I already am, for work. Kinda stressed about that coming up.

    Blue.

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  2. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    27 February 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Time to use my space for a little vent. Have been feeling really run down and squeezed out of living. It's working out that my partner isn't up to doing as much of the housework as he thought he was. That means me doing most of it. When I'm on the long stretch at work, no-one is doing anything, I'm just not capable around the bad shoulder and crippling fatigue, and he does what he can but it unfortunately isn't a lot. The place gets so unhygeinic, so the minute I have a day off, you can guess what ol' Blue ends up doing with it. It's not optional.

    So after that, it was early to bed for his appointment at the hospital. It takes 15 hours sleep to do half of what 8 used to these days, so my short day and my 8 hour sleep left me overtired and with that awful gnawing hunger all day yesterday. I'm not saying the day was a write-off. I got some nature time in at a nearby park while he was in there. We spent some quality time together after a nap post appointment, and those were good.

    Now, two days off left. You'd think four days off were good, right? I now feel squished into these two days. The appointment knocked out my "going out" energy for this period, so no seeing family or friends. Anyway there are a bunch of jobs still that need doing. Gotta eat when I go back to work, someone has to cook that shiz. Washing is piled up, dishes are appearing again, the dish drainer is gross and needs cleaning. Oh, there is plenty of cleaning re puffballs being messy creatures, someone gotta deal with that, it's a serious health and safety thing.

    Never mind money. Dear gods I'm over this refinance crap. No-one drags their heels like banks. You get subject to this unreasonable scrutiny. I don't feel like I can spend a brass razoo without having it questioned. So what if I want to get some booze on the credit card when I'm having a crap week? It's not like I won't pay for it on payday. Ugh. They've got their bank statements, but you know what they're like. Drag the feet, drag the feet, "Oh, we want the next month's statements. And the next. Hell, why not the rest of the year's, you don't mind, right?" AAAAAAARGH!

    I really have had enough of all this crap, it's so dehumanising. Ever try taking the pressure off insane levels of fatigue with no effing freedom to use your goddamn money? If not, let me tell you - it doesn't bloody work.

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  3. ecomama
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    27 February 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    I'm listening.

    I think I responded to most of those things in your other thread.

    Hugs!

    Love EM

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  4. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    27 February 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Thanks, I appreciate it.

    Yeah, you did. I've dived into the jobs today, the house felt so oppressive with the mess and the clutter - it's so important to be able to feel relaxed in your own home, and I can't if it's not generally clean and tidy. Reminds me too much of old times. If I wanted to live in filth, I would have stayed with the ex. No thanks.

    I'm sure tomorrow I'll have an energy nosedive because I've overdone it, today. We'll see what happens. At least if I'm not capable of doing anything useful I won't feel too much like I need to. Though ideally I hope to have the energy for some cooking, I have ingredients for orange and poppyseed muffins and I want to make them.

    Since I wrote my rant, I've managed to spend some time listening to music (Dead Letter Circus is the go, at the moment - if you're interested, One Step is a good song to check out, or I Am), and a little time online gaming. Easier to do with a clean house around me.

    Blue.

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  5. ecomama
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    28 February 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    You've done so well handling the situations that you felt were overwhelming you.

    I'm super glad LM is doing well after the medical intervention.

    Never heard of that band... hmmm might look them up.
    Alexa mentioned "Nothing but thieves" and played them for us last weekend when we were all cleaning up for the party. They had a European Symphony Orchestra playing their rock music, it was really great music!

    I understand about the asthma and previous childhood experiences of hoarding, mess, unsanitary conditions. And yep birds sure are messy!!! omg my chickens Blue, heavens lol.

    My childhood home wasn't SO bad that we couldn't live okay in it, there's no room for nothing in mother's house now... that might be changing since Alexa's report yesterday.

    Glad to hear you got to have some 'time out' gaming and doing some things you love to do.

    Usually the only way I get to listen to music I like or a series I want to "watch" is by playing them while I work lol. But I'm good with that.

    I might get a chance to clean the windows today lol!
    But I'd prefer to spend time with p.son AND feed him up before he goes back down South.
    He's lost so much weight Blue. Not good.

    Love EM

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  6. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    3 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Thanks. Can't say it feels like I've done very well. I guess I'm getting there. I'll feel better once I've achieved getting the damn refinance over with.

    Agreed. I mean, well is relative, he's been feeling pretty average since then, and not up to doing housework. His first day of uni was this week, and with the lingering malaise from his procedure, he has been horribly exhausted since. He is sleeping it off now.

    I could steer you to music I love more, but Dead Letter Circus sound pretty good, they're a more recent discovery. I had a little listen to Nothing But Thieves - a bit out of my usual listening, but they sound decent. Got vague Jeff Buckley vibes from the vocals.

    Yeah, there's a lot of bad going on in my head relating to mess, EM. I have such a severe aversion to it, and trying to manage life with another human in the house is a challenge for me. My partner is far better for that than my ex or my family members, to be fair, and he takes it on board when I ask him to get his shiz together re messy habits. I'm not having those in shared areas, and even his office I'll go into periodically and get it respectable (we've discussed that, and he gets that autonomy in his space extends only so far as health and safety permit - I'm not having a repeat of what the ex did, with piles of crap everywhere and mice breeding in it).

    Yeah, it's constant work cleaning up after birds. I bet the chickens are messy!

    I do try and do a little of my own stuff. I rarely feel able to give myself permission for stuff like that unless I've had some productive time beforehand, though.

    Oh dear. I understand, though, you have a lot on your plate with such a big family. Driving to and from work is when I usually get time to listen to music.

    Hm, time with your son beats window cleaning. Can you delegate windows to someone? Can you help him keep good food habits up while he's not home? Is it that he's down and not eating, or is it a money/time thing? The latter is easier to help with, admittedly.

    I had a good and productive chat with my sis yesterday, we ended hanging out for several hours. She came to some conclusions about her own mental health through our discussion that I hope will help her get into a better space. Fingers crossed.

    As for the mess I walked in on when I got home... I had a long talk with my partner about combatting that sort of thing and re-working the job roster to work better than it is now (and he apologised and immediately did some dishes).

    Blue.

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  7. ecomama
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    4 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue, you ARE doing well. Working, managing health concerns, ripping through your finances to get them working the best they can... keeping a home & family running.

    Yep. WELL.

    IDK what the caper is with grown men thinking WE are the person to keep things tidy?
    Even their stuff?
    Is there a "mummy" complex with them?

    Eww that makes me uncomfortable lol!

    My trick with the kids, if things get on top of them in their rooms, I say "I'll give you 20 mins on the clock on Saturday (or a time ahead)" then I put a timer on and give them 20 mins of my time.
    Usually they take that and run with it for hours. Or all day!

    I know LM is not a child. He's been unwell etc.
    But if he can get up to feed himself while you're not there, then the dishes can be a flow on.
    You eat - you clean up.
    Birds out - you clean up.

    With him studying too now, well that's more load.

    I'm almost OCD about the dishes. Unless it's a massive family celebration like Christmas or Easter or such, all the dishes are done usually by the time dinner's ready. I cook / wash up / clean up on rotation while I'm cooking.
    Aha an aversion to the way things ALWAYS were in my childhood.

    Alexa's studying too now. She was so anxious about it on top of 35-60h work per week and the kids 50%. I GET THAT!
    She spoke of scheduling time in for work & study at the beginning of each week.
    Apologised to me that she's resisted being like me since forever lol - ie scheduling - and now realises how AMAZING it feels to set time for stuff.
    She's doing great atm.
    I know I'll be over there during her most trying times eg Exam time, to help out.

    P.son - IDK maybe a mixture of things. But his weight loss is concerning! He said there's never any food in the house (down there), and now since he's broken up with GF, he may feel more like a poacher to eat with them etc. Not that they're organised. One night they hadn't eaten dinner till 10pm bec the parents were out till then and there was no food for the kids.
    IDK how they're treating him tbh.
    They live a long way from the shops and he doesn't drive.
    Sure it could be money too.
    Plus if he got any food delivered, he'd feel guilty about all the kids not having it too, so he wouldn't do that. He can't afford to buy for all of them.
    He walks the long walk to work and catches an Uber home late at night. It's tough but he's not complaining. He knows he got himself into this.

    Better get on lol.

    Love EM

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  8. ecomama
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    4 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    I popped back on before I leave for work to say that was wonderful you got to spend some time with your sister!
    That's amazing she opened up with you about her own MH (issues maybe? IDK), but having someone to talk to is really important!

    And if that person remains open to hearing more, even better.

    This is how my old school friend, T, is with me. We deal with the present stuff that's often happening right now with all her kids and partner around.

    Then she spends time, just the 2 of us and really opens up. We have some great banter about our own MH / MHIs and the ppl around us, how this affects us.

    Really productive for both of us.

    Great Blue!
    Love EM

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  9. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    4 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Thanks. It sure is hard work. Sometimes hard to see the progress when you're still in the middle of a pile of obligations that seems not to end.

    Oh, the ex sure had that, he was useless. My lovely man is a million times better than most, though he's had every reason not to be, between his physical health and depression. There are a few habits he could afford to improve, and he's untidy in his own space because mostly it doesn't impact me (and around our collective ailments and commitments we're still slowly trying to get his new furniture put together to actually have places to put his things). He's usually good with dishes, but burnt out a bit recently and dropped the ball. We're working on ways to minimise that sort of thing for both of us, it happens to each of us alternately and pretty regularly.

    I hear you about the dishes, I'm pretty thingy about them, too. It's only on the long work stretch each fortnight I just can't supplement his efforts with any help and the full load is a bit much for him with his health. Sigh.

    I don't blame Alexa for being concerned about organising things around so much work and study. Glad she's embraced the need for scheduling, it is valuable when there's that much on one's plate.

    Wow, that's concerning that food doesn't seem to be much of a priority in that household. Adding in his sensibilities regarding wanting everyone to have some, I'm not surprised he's losing weight. Not sure what to suggest there, I'll think on it.

    Was definitely good to see my sis. She's usually pretty open re her mental health, in fact rather obsessed with the subject over the past year or so and rarely deviates from the topic. Good in many ways, a bit tiresome in others, would be nice to talk about something else occasionally. She and my bro can both be really one-tracked to the exclusion of all else when they get a bee in their bonnet. Definitely seeing the ASD traits Sis has been talking about in that behaviour, I seem to be the only one of the three of us that sees when someone's eyes are glazing over and it's time to switch up the topics. But there are worse things, we manage to maintain good relationships with each other, I just have to be real blunt about what social and non-verbal cues mean. It's interesting.

    It's good you have that relationship with your friend. I have a long distance friendship like that, we talk pretty openly about just about everything - and take time out for less heavy topics or throw in some humour.

    Blue.

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  10. ecomama
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    4 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Wow okay, that's interesting reflections of your siblings and the ASD traits. Have diagnoses been made?

    In understand ASD in females is almost undiagnosed, or takes years... the checklist is for males apparently. Females present very differently alot.

    Yeah when we just stay at my friend T's house, we can get bogged down in talk of MH, I always try to push the convo towards WELLBEING.
    But sometimes we go out to pick up HER kids or get lollies or do her shopping.
    She has cancer and it's a thang for her to do much some days.

    We have lots of silly fun then.
    Last time we pretended we were doing a Podcast of the best things to buy and why, so silly.
    We laugh alot too.

    Sorry Blue, gotta go. The kids have come home from work with even more issues about school.

    Love EM

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  11. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    5 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    No formal diagnosis. My sister has been doing tonnes of research on the subject and spoken at length with her psychiatrist who agrees it is very likely she has ASD, and ADHD. Two of her boys are diagnosed, she suspects her other two children have ASD as well. Apparently in adult women it's pretty common for them to have no inkling of it until they start questioning things upon a diagnosis in their offspring, or they have a meltdown (lucky Sis, she's experiencing both). As for getting formally diagnosed, there are sod all professionals with any real background with it, and there's no-one harder for them to diagnose than an adult female, so fun times ahead for her. It took her long enough to get one of her boys diagnosed, to get the help he needs, it's gonna be so much worse for her, unfortunately. As for Bro, I don't think he gives a crap, so he is unlikely to try and find out if it's relevant to him.

    That brings me to the ADHD. She said a lot of stuff about it that actually really resonated with me and my life experience. Particularly the way she also obsesses over the mundane stuff she has to do because it's so hard to keep track of it. I've always struggled with being "forgetful" - I bounce constantly between different tasks, starting one then seeing or remembering another I think "I should get to before I forget", thus forgetting the first one until I see it again. To manage everyday life and work I am constantly writing lists, setting reminders and timers, checking and re-checking the lists, still missing or forgetting things. I spend huge amounts of time on this crap, and managing a household (and often my department at work) is so stressful and exhausting like this. There are a lot of other things, but that's the main one. Really pinpoints the root of my struggle with day-to-day existence. I know I think and function differently to others, but this is an angle I hadn't thought of previously (like everyone else, most of what I've heard about ADHD is about little boys bouncing all over the place). Another thing that is very hard to diagnose in adult women. I have been talking to my counsellor about whether this is something relevant to me - after all, I'm no hypochondriac but I'll follow up any leads and learn what I can about anything that might improve my quality of life.

    Glad you can steer away from getting bogged down in those conversations, and get some fun in with your friend. That's important.

    Good luck with the offspring.

    Blue.

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  12. ecomama
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    6 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue, offspring settled for now!! If that's even a thing lol.

    Oh yeah I hear you loud & clear on all aspects of what you just wrote.
    ASD IS going undiagnosed SO MUCH in women and girls.
    It's because the checklist is for MALES only.
    How bout that lol.

    Same issue with all ASD and ADHD / ADD I understand for females.

    Difficult but not impossible to get a diagnosis.
    Alexa asked me to meet her neighbour and after she left, Alexa asked me if I thought she was on the ASD spectrum.
    I said absolutely.
    Together they tramped the path of getting her a diagnosis (both her chn had been diagnosed).
    She has now and it ALL MAKES SENSE!
    She has NDIS funding now. She's feeling 100% on before. That's SO awesome.

    Sometimes with "other" diagnoses, ASD gets lost in the mix IME.
    Pretty sad really.

    I relate to everything you said.
    I put it to my work psych that I had ADHD or such and she said outright NO.
    Her reasoning being I have "high executive functioning".... as you do too Blue.
    BUT I think there IS something to it.... like a hyperactive brain regardless.

    Not to be confused with trauma responses and anxiety from trauma be that from during childhood and / or adulthood, which is how some MH profs have seen this in me at least in the past.

    I have SO MUCH energy it's cray cray lol. Always have! Drove my family nuts bec I would never sleep much as a baby onwards.
    They had to have 2 adults place their hands gently on my legs and shoulders and sing me to sleep lol.

    Oh yeah, LISTS galore!
    "Object permanence" is a REAL thing.
    I almost need a filing cabinet for my lists & then I'd forget they were there lol.

    Was just writing a NEW list as I read your post lol.
    Just finished one for tomorrow morning on the bench for me to remember.

    Hundreds of lists in my phone, my phone Diary, notebooks everywhere.
    Omg my BF is SO patient! hahaha.
    He loves my hyperactivity when we're together esp, but he sleeps almost twice as long as I do lol. Everyone seems to.
    The self discipline it's taken to teach myself to go to sleep has been NEXT level lol.
    Then STAY asleep.
    And relax? It's like I'm allergic to that concept lol.

    I was BORN this way, must've been. The family regaled stories to each other for decades about me because I was / am so different to the others. Being the ONLY living child of my parents, I can't compare myself to anyone else in the family.
    My kids all have some traits of this.
    Alexa definitely.
    Yvette not so much.
    The boys a bit. Yes.

    Love EM

  13. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    7 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    As settled as they can be, I guess.

    Yup, ASD in females is really hard to get diagnosed, as is ADHD in females and adults - if you happen to be both of those, good luck. It's good Alexa's neighbour got that diagnosis and has NDIS funding. That's what my sis is working on, now.

    Yup, there are so many mental health conditions that get mixed up with each other, and it seems many of them are outside the ken of the average "professional".

    I get what you're saying, but respectfully disagree. For one thing, she is likely to know pretty well how you function. What you know about my executive functioning is I'm good with money. It is worth noting that I am interested in money management, and someone with ADHD will do just fine or even hyperfocus in areas of interest. Point me at housework, my average day with that consists of things like doing washing, forgetting to put it out. Putting eggs on to boil, getting distracted within (literally) 30 seconds of meaning to put on a timer and winding up with eggs boiling over while I'm none the wiser in another room. Putting on all sorts of reminders to make dinner before I get cripplingly hungry then finding myself cripplingly hungry and there's no dinner. Finding stuff I bought to make a specific meal I wrote on the meal planner that's gone off because I had some other bright idea and made something else instead. This is constant. And unlike you, I don't have a million kids and pets or full time work. I work three days a week and have a small household. I'm much the same at work, always losing equipment and forgetting things I should have done. This is not normal, and isn't just in times of crisis or unusual busyness - it's all the time, as long as I can remember. Every. Freaking. Day.

    As far as executive function goes, my working memory is useless. Organisation and prioritising sort of work, with huge, huge amounts of effort and still often fail. Emotional regulation, whilst mostly internalised, is all up the creek (notably unreasonable frustration with any delays or setbacks to the careful organisation I've done to work around my lousy functioning with the above). I could go on. "High functioning" ADHD is a thing and the symptom lists I've read describe me almost perfectly. Now I'm not calling this a diagnosis, but it's way too much to dismiss the possibility. Too bad I am not happy with my psych and don't trust her to diagnose or otherwise. I need a new one.

    Out of space to write, I'll leave it at that.

    Blue.

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  14. ecomama
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    8 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    I completely agree with you that it's really worth investigating.
    Also agree with getting another psych's perspective / analysis on the way things are for you.

    Agree with everything more or less. lol.

    You know yourself better than anyone.
    So if you know things aren't "right" or normal for you then you need to seek what you believe will support you. (You know we'll support you to get that support as much as it's merely online support).

    It's tedious.

    I'm sorry you have those experiences of forgetting things after a short time.
    I'm like that then I'm not also.

    Sure I've got so many plates spinning, it's a miracle I'm not dizzy 24/7 lol.
    The organisational things I've got going in this house make others think I'm "losing it" lol.
    But until they have as much to manage as I do, they should keep schtum really.

    I'm really tired this afternoon. Had one of those light hazy sleeps where you realise you've been awake all night really.

    Might have a nap while Yvette's at dancing lol.

    Love EM

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  15. Blue's Clues
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    2234 posts
    8 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Thanks, I appreciate that acknowledgement. Yeah, I'm deferring to my counsellor's advice more than my psychologist's at this point. I gave her a more than generous chance but I've made more progress with my mental health talking to you than to her.

    Haha, of course. We have our differences, but align on most of the important things.

    I think I know myself pretty well. Things definitely aren't right with me, never were. I have never understood how anyone could hold down full time work, manage a household, have kids as well - all the things you're doing. Just the thought of it is overwhelming!

    I do appreciate your support. Today I had to go to the doctor for an entirely unrelated thing (I wouldn't have gone today if it wasn't potentially urgent - a sore that looks worryingly infected - as it's a single day off work in the midst of too many on), but decided to broach the subject of ADHD. I now have a referral to a psychiatrist. Can't call for the appointment today because public holiday, but it's a step in the right direction.

    Thanks. Honestly, it really is beyond a joke (though in some ways, kinda funny). Today, I didn't even manage to finish getting dressed before I got distracted and wandered off to do other stuff. No exaggeration, and not an unusual occurrence. Heck, I suddenly remember a day at school when I forgot to change out of my pyjamas. Thankfully a pretty generic looking tracksuit so nothing too embarrassing. But still. Aargh. And distractability - there was a time my work boots ended up in the fridge (they were in a bag, I thought it was my lunch bag). All this stuff in context with ADHD loses its amusing anecdote status and really adds up to a huge pile of malfunction - because it's not the odd "whoops", it's all the time.

    Oh, I get it. In your situation, you'd have to have some pretty wacky organisation techniques to keep things running. And you do it. It is a miracle. I couldn't do it, I could barely sort my crap out when I had no partner, no pets, and just a little 2 bedroom flat to deal with. I'm genuinely impressed you haven't completely lost it, dealing with all your commitments.

    That said, you sure deserve that nap. Sleep well!

    Blue.

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  16. Blue's Clues
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    8 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Going to throw in a general rant here, because of the overload I'm experiencing at the moment. More delays with bank stuff (I won't go into detail, did that on money thread). Double delay because public holiday. Aargh.

    As alluded to above, in the midst of my long stretch at work, finally no physio appointment or anything else booked because I was going okay, this random infected sore forces me to have a doctor's appointment on my one day off in the middle of it (with a random doctor wherever I could find one open on the public holiday). I don't rememember the last time I could just rest on that day off. And once again, despite having a reasonable sleep, with this crazy fatigue, I am still feeling exhausted to the point of sick and desperately needing a decent sleep.

    I don't think I've mentioned the car, yet. My brakes are overdue for a service, and my partner's dad who services them to keep our costs down is bogged down in his own stuff and unavailable until who knows when. In the midst of this living like a pauper because the bank is watching crap, I haven't had my own car to drive for weeks, and it could be a bunch more weeks still. So if I want to go out on my day off, too bad if my partner has the car. If he needs to go somewhere on my work days, too bad because I have the car. Today that's a problem. I could see a doctor for that infected sore. Medication? Nah, public holiday, no chemist in walking distance is open and I ain't got the car.

    I really do feel like I'm just not allowed to exist, right now. So sick of it.

  17. ecomama
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    8 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Darling Blue, big squishy hugs.

    HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY, you ROCK Blue!

    Ok enough of the festivities lol, down to business.

    I feel so completely humbled by what you said Blue, that my insides are crumbling from it.
    Thankyou.
    You're such a dear, sweet friend to me. I appreciate you and care about you so much.
    Don't know whether to laugh or cry.
    So I'll breathe.
    Thankyou.

    I've got this "thing" going on with me where I don't want anything to be seriously "wrong" with anyone really... I haven't put that very well, but you might know what I mean (it's the extreme mothering instinct in me I've been told. I want to wrap cotton wool around everyone).

    Then something "pings" in my mind that was triggered by something a person says, (or a look if they're IRL)... like this you said....

    "Putting eggs on to boil, getting distracted within (literally) 30 seconds of meaning to put on a timer and...."

    PING.
    Woah, pull up ecomama... you've heard of things like this before AND seen clients do this in front of your very eyes. They already had a diagnosis of ADHD. Or were soon to be diagnosed after referring on.

    This is a more explicit response to my initial post after your words describing even more explicitly the situations you find yourself in.

    Stay with your gut instincts Blue and follow them.

    I'm incredibly proud of you.
    Even moreso, if that's possible, after hearing that you already followed through with your GP AND got a referral!
    OMG THAT'S WONDERFUL.

    Please please please!
    Write down or copy and paste those parts of your post to me that described all those scenarios.
    Hand THESE to your Psychiatrist.

    This is the analysing and filtering process we went through in supporting Alexa's neighbour for her diagnosis. (Usually she just talked & I'm sure her psych heard 'white noise' lol oh dear!)
    You just can't make this stuff up!

    Once we had so many of her experiences, feelings, reactions in a NUTSHELL.
    Wrote them down for her.
    Then it was 2 appointments with w new psych, questionnaires etc and a diagnosis was made.

    Her meds were adjusted and thank goodness, because she feels so much better now!
    Sure she's not "cured" but she has really decent support through NDIS funding and her life is so much richer now!!
    It's beautiful to witness!!

    Alexa even went out for dinner with her and her friends on the weekend.
    That would never have happened before.

    You've got this Blue!
    Or soon to get it.

    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    10 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Belated happy International Women's Day. I usually hear more about it than I have this year. Also, thanks. :)

    Really? I just said things how I see them. Breathing is an appropriate response. Anyway, I'm glad you feel I am a good friend. Dunno about sweet, but good at least. ;)

    You want the best for people and are reluctant to see them in harm if it isn't so obvious you can't miss it? Yeah, I get it, though I don't do it myself.

    Well, that's quite validating, that you have experience with people going through the same sort of stuff I do. The thing with the eggs is just the tip of the iceberg, I could list off half a dozen similar examples just for the hour before I go to work, including how I sometimes set up Bluetooth in the car to listen to my music, start driving, and some minutes later realise I forgot to actually put the music on. Heck, music is important to me and the aim of what I was doing, but I forgot. Same with taking meds, even if they are for very present pain. I'll remember and forget several times before I get to the meds, if I get to them at all. Oh, and it even happens with going to the loo. You'd think being busting would put a spoke in the works for that distractability, but nope, I fairly regularly still get distracted on the way, come back to it several distractions and maybe an hour later. It is utterly ridiculous. So yeah, I know people are going to nay say me on the way to getting a diagnosis, but I don't think I'm wrong about this. There is so much evidence. I was reminded today by a book title (ADD Stole My Car Keys) that before cars were idiot-proofed against it, there was a time I locked my keys in the car so often I started keeping the spare in my other pocket. And the list goes on. Can you imagine getting anything done with that being your norm? It's so exhausting.

    Yes, I have been jotting little notes all over the place. Got a bunch of note paper in my pocket at work, scribble things down as I think of them (which is a very ADHD thing to do anyway, so I'm in my element there). Mind you, I'll have quite the pile of them by the time I see the psychiatrist, I'm told a minimum 3 month wait, and I can't just make the appointment, I'm expected to wait for them to receive the referral, approve it, then contact me. What the deuce?!

    I'm sure anything I can bring up just from the day I (eventually) see someone would be proof enough, but no shortage of records.

    Good to hear a positive story of someone's treatment.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    10 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    Okay so the process to get to see a psychiatrist is quite firm; wait for directions.
    That's okay!
    You've started... so the ball's rolling!

    Maybe in this time the Bank will have gotten their act together and a freedom for that is tangible for you.

    If I were you, I'd begin a Word doc and save that above Paragraph 4 in it too!
    Saves you writing it all out again OR even verbally communicating it all.
    Just a hint, kind of kills 2 monsters with the same stone. No birds coming to harm in our sayings lol.

    Collect collect collect anecdotal data.
    There's other kinds of data you could collect but probably ask psych later if you feel like it... they can point you or you can ask here lol.

    It's this kind of stuff other allied professionals ask us for at work for clients.
    Some of the data I have to collect is in 5 second intervals! Yep it gets THAT precise.

    Doing that again tomorrow.

    After a wonderful, exhausting, grubby day doing Eco Initiatives at work all day. Kind of exhilarating too.
    But the before and after work meetings were NOT lol.

    I'm happy you're getting onto it Blue.
    There could be so many opportunities for help and support through this.

    I really hope it all comes to you in abundant mountains full!!
    I yeah, I think it will.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    12 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Yeah, it's started. Doesn't feel good, knowing it will be months before I can even see someone - especially when I'm feeling like there's by no means any guarantee they'll listen or take me seriously. I haven't seen a psychiatrist before, but my experience with psychologists is that they often do neither of those things - it is undermining my confidence. With that in mind, waiting 3 months or more for maybe nothing means trying again and maybe again, etc. could mean a very, very long road ahead without the help I need. It's an ugly prospect.

    Who knows about the bank? I sent in the last lot of crap they wanted over the week-end and the start of the week, didn't even get a response as to whether they received it. Had to poke someone else in the company to find out anything. Now I'm told I should hear something Monday. Why the hell do they take so long to do anything?

    Everything right now is waiting, waiting, waiting, and I can't do anything to get it moving. You know what I do really, really badly? Waiting!

    Ha, you assume I'm not already doing that. I have symptom lists with examples. I have anecdotal evidence. I have dug up some diagnostic criteria (not Australian, but haven't found that yet), ticked boxes, written notes.

    There is so much evidence for much of what is on the symptom list. Only thing that worries me is the note that they expect symptoms to have been present from before the age of 12. With my already crummy memory and not exactly lovely childhood I've forgotten half of it, blocked out most of the rest. That is a problem. I've tried to remember relevant stuff, and can recall homework being a big bugbear - I wasn't interested and would half-arse it or outright not do it, sometimes handing it in with "Why do I have to do this?" written on it. As for anything else, dunno. I'll ask my parents what they remember, but Dad was mostly working and Mum was doolally and remembers little from my childhood when I've asked other things.

    Anything you can tell me about what they'll want would help.

    Glad you had a good time with the eco initiatives, sounds fun. Meetings - boring! I have no patience for meetings (what a surprise).

    Thanks. I really hope so. I feel a bit at sea with it all at the moment. What I know and what I can prove and when I can prove it... big gulf there. I've a long history of not being able to get help when I need it too, so that's undermining my confidence a lot. Still trying, but struggling.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    12 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    I read your post.
    Wanted time to reflect upon it.
    Made a cuppa, washed up with gloves on lol (you'll see why on other threads soon) and just realised for sure you've got this.

    Can you do something?
    Can you get a sheet of paper and draw a line across it from left to right about 1/4 UP from the bottom of the page.
    Then in THAT bottom quarter write simply the things you're waiting for
    EG
    ___________________________________________________________________________
    I'm waiting for:
    - the Bank
    - contact from the psychs office

    THEN at the TOP of the page...
    What I can do now:
    EG
    - practice having at least ONE conversation per day that makes me laugh.
    - try different self-care
    - call a friend.
    Whatever flicks your switches in a positive way.

    PUT THIS on the fridge or somewhere you'll see it alot.
    Behind the loo door is where all our stuff like this goes lol.

    Managing anxiety & ruminating thoughts over these things is not going to help you at all during this waiting time.
    Sure, call or email the bank once a week or however often you deem necessary then shut it down.

    Okay, in answer to your question about what they'd be looking for from your childhood and other stuff about checklists etc.

    When you meet your psychiatrist, my best and only response to you and everyone else who's asked me this is BE HONEST.

    You have plenty of events in your adulthood to call upon.
    Even that ONE childhood memory regarding the test papers is some evidence.

    Being honest that your dad was working and not involved in child rearing.
    And your mum's memory is fading.
    Is you being HONEST.

    Just a side point... have you ever had an IQ test done?
    Would you consider having one done?

    IME, at times, when a child or even an adult has a high IQ and has issues similar to what you're describing then even this can give a MH professional some insight.
    Sometimes especially this.

    I can hear you're struggling with trying to manage management!
    This is evidence too.

    Be okay.
    Just be okay for now.

    It's going to be okay.

    Here for you.
    Love EM

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    14 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Fair. I tend to waffle a bit, it can take some processing, haha.

    Well, I haven't got a page out, but I can say this: there's one less thing I'm waiting for. The psychiatrist's office called me on Friday, I now have an appointment. Not until June, but it is made.

    As for the top portion of the page, even before I read your message, I'd created a new (5 things only) to-do list for the immediate day, which included scheduling in fun. Since doing that I've managed to get in some game time, get some music happening, and have gone to see my brother. All a bit tricky with my partner unwell over the last few days, but he was okay enough to be on his own yesterday for me to go out (we had planned a day trip together yesterday that obviously couldn't happen while he was sick, and the loss of that one thing to look forward to had really got me down - hence he encouraged me to go out anyway with Bro).

    My to-do list is on my phone. I try to minimise how many lists and things I have hung up in the house, they just become part of the visual clutter that blends in to the rest and just stresses me out instead of helping.

    Yeah, I know overthinking the negatives isn't useful. I have spikes of ill-feeling about things (usually when I'm writing about them), but once it's expressed, I can usually put it aside and find something useful to do about things instead. Not a fan of wallowing.

    Yeah, valid. I did talk to Mum and my brother yesterday. They had a whole lot of nothing useful to contribute, unfortunately. Though in talking to my sister I did remember a few odds and ends. Like how I used to snack in class a lot or fall asleep during them. I did have trouble sleeping as a kid, I do remember that. Always alert and wanting to read or write or watch TV at night. Stuff that interested me.

    Yeah, I've had an IQ test. Scored around 125, give or take a few points. Dunno what that signifies as far as my mental health goes, but there you go.

    Ha. Yeah, managing management is horrible. I had a meltdown the other day, yelling at my timers and reminders to just stop. There are so many, to keep track of such basic things. It really does hurt trying to keep track, and being bleeped and blooped at from all directions. I hate it.

    Yeah. I'm trying. It's hard work, but I'm trying. Thanks, I appreciate your support.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    14 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue, I'm really sorry LM has been unwell. Gentle hugs. Hope he feels better soon.

    WOOHOO the appt is set.
    Tick that one off the list lol.
    One down.

    You're doing really well IMHO.

    As I thought, your IQ is quite high.
    The thing is with that, if you're saying "every day things" are overwhelming and unmanageable at times... the evidence of this may feed into a more obvious diagnosis of ADHD... if the psych thinks this way.

    "Executive functioning" is a thing they look at. I think we talked about this before?

    I think the 'distractibility' stuff you spoke of is pretty important, like REALLY important.

    Yay to FUN!
    I'm glad you're scheduling FUN into your days.
    I think we have to do this, otherwise our days are whittled away with an "overload" feeling.

    I've said NO to so many things just because (perhaps anxiety huh?) and felt SO good to say YES to myself and others alot more recently.
    Mainly to unscheduled things... feeling much lighter because of it too.

    I'm glad you're talking with your family about this, or at least asking questions etc.
    If there aren't many 'answers' then I'm sure MH Professionals are used to this too.

    This is just the way things are for so many of us.

    Are you on your days off atm?

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    17 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Thanks. He is feeling better now. Ironically, even with that, his last tests came back positive to a virus they've been trying to keep at bay, so they want to admit him to hospital soon - probably tomorrow. It's stressful for both of us. He has uni work he wants to be doing and a bunch of appointments we'll have to reschedule. Meanwhile after no real rest after the last long work stretch, and tonnes of housework still banked up from then with more piling up, I am soon to be on the next long stretch with barely any rest yet again, and will be with him at the hospital whenever possible (whereby neither rest nor housework will be happening). I am genuinely a kinda scared about how I'm going to deal with work through this, I am already exhausted to the point of feeling sick.

    Yeah, appointment is done. Not the bank, though. They said I'd have an answer Monday, and I've heard a whole lot of nothing up to this point, despite contacting them to find out what the hell is happening.

    Thanks. Wish I thought the same.

    I believe I get it, but can you clarify the relationship between IQ and executive functioning? I'm guessing "How you so smart and act so scattered?" is the gist of where ADHD comes in. The distractability definitely and significantly undermines the smart.

    Well, trying. Mostly failing, and not exactly getting on top of the responsibilities crowding it out, either, for above reasons.

    Yeah, I get it. Problem I find is when I do say yes to things I just come home to the reasons I usually say no getting worse and harder to manage, with less time in which to do so. End result, I'm more stressed. The current backlog is out of hand. Tried to get my uniform washed and ready last night so it'll be dry before I'm back at work. Do you think I remembered to hang the damn thing up? Long enough now that I have to re-wash it. If I remember. After the appointment for my partner we had to be up early for, so I'm running on bugger all sleep and even more scattered than usual.

    No, not many answers. Can't ask my lot questions about me without hearing a lot of what they remember about them, and basically nothing on topic or related to me. Ugh. Who knows how that will play out with the shrink.

    I'm afraid I don't have much positive energy for this or anything right now, I really want everything to just stop. It's too much.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    17 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hey Blue

    All good thoughts and energy to LM and you for his hospital admission and getting rid of this infection once and for all.

    Well just when you think it's raining hard enough, it pours down hey Blue?

    You're doing the very best you can and that's all you can do.

    I'm sorry the bank is still lagging behind.
    Let's hope there's some progress on that front asap also.

    I just want to know when you can take some leave from work!

    Please let us know how you and LM get on when you can.

    Until then, thinking of you lots and hope things improve fast!

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    18 March 2021 in reply to ecomama

    Hey EM,

    Thanks. Could certainly do with a boost in energy, there isn't much to spare here right now. His current ailment isn't the same infection he was in for last time, though it's indirectly related. His organ donor had a common virus that he has no antibodies for, himself. They were keeping that at bay with a certain medication which had to be reduced whilst combatting the fungal infection he had (because of interactions with the new meds) - so now the virus has caught hold. They want to aggressively treat that and monitor how that's going, hence he's in hospital.

    Yeah, it's bloody pouring. I'm sick of being soggy, EM, I really am.

    I don't feel like doing my best is ever really enough. Mind you, no problem dealing with the stuff surrounding my partner's health. Every problem dealing with boring household crap that still needs doing in the meantime. That has always been my problem. Well, that and my boring job. Sensing a theme, here.

    Bank still lagging. I know why they have delayed, and it looks like sheer incompetence to me. What a surprise. So now I've given them more information to work with - specified the relatively simple things they can't seem to get right about my income - and they continue to dally. Damn idiots.

    I have leave booked in June. Various other responsible people in the department have leave booked before that, so they can't spare me before that. Of course if there's an outright emergency I can take time off, but that's not exactly what I need the leave for. Ol' Blue is desperate to find out what relaxation feels like. Or achieving anything at home. You know, things I think I did a few years ago. Maybe.

    He's doing okay in hospital, we've been talking regularly, of course. He actually drove himself in, to give me a chance to rest, though now it looks like his dad is ready to do my brake service, so tonight is apt to see a mad shuffling of cars so I'll be collecting my partner's car tonight & leaving mine with his dad. Fun times. Better than Plan A, though, which involved me getting up early tomorrow (that was what was intended before the hospital debacle). What a life we lead.

    Blue.

  27. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10556 posts
    18 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue (with a wave to EM)~

    I've been away and am now trying to catch up. I find you have having a worrying time wiht your LM - I read your explanation and like many things seems a balancing act. Flippers crossed I guess.

    Interesting to see you work your way though to a diagnosis that seem to fit how you are. You may be right. I do know I'm not surprised you have a higher IQ than average, perhaps that helps to explain why ho hum jobs are a frustration in themselves. As for being distracted or forgetful, I have that, a legacy of PTSD and anxiety. My smartphone with calendar and to do lists is my friend (good for hear-a-books in waiting rooms too:)

    Not much new on my music scene, been too tired to do much other than go to old favorites

    I've not been 100% physically and my workload here has dropped right down, so I may not say much, but will always be glancing though your thread.

    Gentle thoughts

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    19 March 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Yes, I saw your post on your thread that you were going to be away for a while. Your iceberg got taken over by rowdy youngsters (I can't promise I didn't contribute any loud music, hehe)! Yeah, quite the balancing act for my partner and his meds. We did know that times like this were ahead of us. Not insurmountable, if not exactly fun, either. I remind him often I'd rather face this with him than be with anyone else, he's worth all of it.

    I could be wrong about ADHD, but I don't think I am. Starting with the fact it runs in families and my sister has been diagnosed, and described her symptoms as matching a hell of a lot of what I face as well. Thanks for your confidence in my IQ - you're right that it's a factor in making work rather more boring for me.

    If you don't mind me asking, in what way does PTSD (& anxiety) make you distracted and forgetful? Are you just focused more on the subject of those things? I've had moments of that, but don't think it's relevant to my situation for the most part - my forgetful/distracted nature well predates the worst of my trauma. I do use calendars, reminders, alarms and to-do lists a lot. They work some of the time. Other times I have things bleeping and blooping at me from all directions for basic things I know I'll forget when I set the reminders, and I feel so harried and pressured by them all the time, I lose it at them on a semi-regular basis. Post-its and lists around the house also only semi-effective. At first I notice them, then they just sink into the overall visual clutter and just make me mad if there are too many. It's at best a Band-aid solution for how I am, too often stuff gets missed until the last minute and then I'm in a mad scramble. It sucks.

    I understand. On the bright side, I have some new music - I was going nuts from lack of anything new to listen to and renewed my Spotify account. Lately it's been Dead Letter Circus mostly. You might find them a bit loud in general, but I think you may like Silence. I have listened to that track many a time.

    Sorry to hear you're feeling under the weather and have had to lighten your load somewhat. I certainly don't expect you to keep up with my prolific writing in kind, but I always appreciate you stopping in.

    Kind thoughts to you and the Menagerie.

    Blue.

  29. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10556 posts
    19 March 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue

    That was a lovely thing to say to your LM

    "I'd rather face this with him than be with anyone else"

    As for lack of concentration and forgetfulness, part is as you suggested due to preoccupation with matters from the past - or rumination over future events, however it is sometimes simply plain just not there. A blank until reminded, and sometimes not even then.

    You might find the following interesting

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/poor-concentration-due-to-ptsd

    I'm listening to "Silence" ATM and think it and its lyrics are good -realistic.

    "Your iceberg got taken over by rowdy youngsters"

    "youngsters" -no, quite the opposite and I know who the chief culprits are:)

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2234 posts
    21 March 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Thanks. I tell him all sorts of soppy stuff like that, haha.

    Ah, okay. I hadn't come across those things in relation to PTSD. I had a bit of a read of that thread. I'm seeing a lot of overlap there with ADHD and can't help wondering if some of the people commenting are experiencing both. Mental health has so many grey areas and comorbidities, it's a real minefield.

    I'm glad you like Silence. It's one of my favourites of theirs.

    Er, young at heart? Haha.

    Blue.

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