Hey EM,

Sounds good. I haven't actually watched her first series or any of the Netflix stuff, most of my inspiration for minimalism has come from reading (and doing - the results speak for themselves). You're right about emotions being part of our relationship with stuff. Honestly, it's a big part of why I'm happy to get rid of excess belongings. I don't like looking at memories, they are usually connected to people and situations that didn't do me any favours and I'm not willing to hold onto that bitterness - out it goes. As for protecting our homes... that's just good sense, our hard work is tied up there, and all our money! Losing that creates a world of undue hardship we've seen far too much of. Dunno about my relationship with home and schemas. Probably, I did lack a home briefly, didn't enjoy it.

Sorry to hear you have a bunch of problem people in your street making a lot of noise, it really does make life miserable. LM has made some calls and discovered the problem people we're dealing with are public housing tenants. Could give us some leverage to make them quit it, the govt. can be a harsh landlord and they tend to respond to verifiable complaints. We'll see how it plays out.

Yeah, I'm following my instincts with meds. I'll try to a point, but I don't intend to upend my life forever on a maybe.

Re PTSD, you said "I seriously don't know how you WOULDN'T have it". You know, that's extremely validating, and though I know you'd rather I didn't have it (heck, that makes two of us), with the incomplete knowledge of my history you have, you still recognise the damage that's been done. I appreciate that a lot.

Despite her lack of relevant understanding, I'm glad the trauma psych was of some help for you. I've actually found an interstate trauma psych (that charges way less than the crappy psych I "fired" here), we'll see how my first appointment with her goes next week. I'm definitely walking in a minefield of triggers as I am, and I'm more than slightly tired of it. The thought of exposure therapy doesn't exactly fill me with joy, but I know there is some open-mindedness required in healing. Fingers crossed I get something of use in that area, anyway.

I've also started work with an ADHD coach. Another drain on the $, but some useful ideas coming up to help me streamline some things. I had some success with a technique from her tonight, with getting some housework done.

Much love, and songs from Puffballs too,

Blue.

Hey Blue

Keep those songs a comin' in! hahaha. Blowing kisses to Puffballs!

Great news you've found a trauma psych and an ADHD coach wow girl look at you!

Indeed to me it's a no brainer that PTSD / C-PTSD could well and truly be in your dish of stuff.
How could it not be?
Do you know the thing that triggered me thinking that?
Living separate to your parents as a child.

I hear you, yes you probably dodged lots of other harm being away from them.
But nurturing parenting is what EVERY child NEEDS.

I also found equilibrium in my thoughts that went something like "well at least my mother isn't an alcoholic" etc etc etc as I saw other friends dealing with THAT.
But I was dealing with OTHER and no one thing can necessarily be worse than another.

It all comes under the umbrella of abuse and neglect.
THAT's the lynch pin.

I agree no childhood is perfect. We can reckon it all away if we want to, but if what we're dealing with NOW is manifest because of these FOO experiences then hey... it's a no brainer.
It's not good to invalidate ourselves.

Similar to our financial situations, we don't WANT it to be this way but it is because of A,B,C.
Same with our MH.

You and I grab our financial situations and milk it for all we can.
Same with whatever help we need for our MH.
Therefore BOTH or all will improve.

Re: Exposure therapy.
You can think of it like this; a push through some unpleasantness for a few minutes can mean a feeling of freedom from those triggers.
It's SO worth the freedom.
We get the triggers anyway before the therapy and it's beautiful to be free of them afterwards.

You have a lot to look forward to!

Self-soothing, self-regulating or GROUNDING techniques are useful to you for afterwards.

I literally have only a feint memory of some of those triggers now and would have to push my mind hard to even try to remember the tumultuous feelings I had even 18 months ago over them now.

Truly worth it 100%.

Nothing to be scared of, just everything to look forward to!

Love you lots
EMxxxx

Hey EM,

Sure will. Puffballs will get extra kisses tonight on your behalf!

Thanks. Slow progress with getting these things organised, but it's finally happening. First appointment with new psych was of course a "getting to know you", but she was actually willing to read my notes, listen to what I had to say, and asked relevant questions, which puts her in much better standing with me than previous attempts. Maybe it's just SA that has consistently crappy services, everyone I know with decent psychologists is in another state or country, and this new one for me is interstate via Telehealth. Food for thought.

Yeah, it's probable. You mentioned "Living separate to your parents as a child". I've been puzzling over where that comes from, if it's literal or figurative as for me it touches on something I don't think I've told you at this point. Not that I'm unwilling to. Anyway, could you clarify that thought for me?

You're right of course, every child needs nurturing parents. Many of us didn't get them. I think as neglect goes I copped it rather harder than most. I didn't have the same source of equilibrium you did, I had very few friends and it wasn't until after my parents divorced that I ever went to their houses or saw them with their parents. My best friend's mother would kiss her good night. I thought that was weird. I didn't see enough other child/parent interactions to have feedback about what the majority or "normal" people did. Neglect was my normal.

I do think a lot of what I walked into as an adult harks back to that experience. Putting two and two together has been a more recent thing, but it fits. I didn't need to invalidate myself, society has done it for me - you know how much digging and research it's taken to make sense of my trauma as even being trauma with the information available? It's one of those things you have to know beforehand to find out anything about it. Like government concessions. How could I validate myself for all those years when I had no framework to identify what I was dealing with? Either for PTSD or ADHD

Yes, you and I are the most pro-active people I know, re finance and MH. We don't deserve our lot, and we strive to better it. We hit bumps, but we inch forward.

Yeah, I see the benefit of exposure therapy. Still not looking forward to it! Head down, bum up, just bull through it. Works with most things. We'll see how it goes.

Much love.

Blue.

Lol yes indeed, head down bum up lol... bull on through!

Re: exposure therapy.
It worked for me BUT I want to emphasise that I was assessed as having excellent "calming" or grounding strategies. That means I could calm myself rapidly when I was distressed. Hence trauma psych taught me how to do it ON MY OWN, which kinda terrified me but hey it worked. For me.

The other thing is that I had to 'exercise' the process of exposure therapy on my own REGULARLY.
It wasn't an 'in session' process, then end session and do nothing and then attend next session.
99.9% of my exposure therapy work was done OUTSIDE sessions.
food for thought.

"You mentioned "Living separate to your parents as a child". I've been puzzling over where that comes from, if it's literal or figurative as for me it touches on something I don't think I've told you at this point. Not that I'm unwilling to. Anyway, could you clarify that thought for me?"
Of course. I'm almost afraid to raise this stuff and wish to only extend comfort and kindness and LOVE!
Okay.
Did you tell us that you lived in caravans as children? That's what I meant. I hope I didn't mix your story up with another member's, hope I did and hope I didn't!

The WHOLE next 2 paragraphs following really BANGED inside of me something I heard on the Brene Brown Podcast in her session with Edith Eger a Psychiatrist who survived WWII concentration camps and went on to serve as a Psych in America for DECADES working with victims of DV / FV.
Basically she said sic 'therapy (or our grief) isn't just about what DID happen, it's also about what didn't happen'.

What didn't happen for us in a short and not comprehensive list was:
- childhood nurturing
- validation by ANY ONE that we had trauma.

The list could go on.

Indeed kissing your children goodnight is part of good parenting.
So is reading them a story.
Talking with them.
Listening to them.
Helping them with their thoughts, ideas, concepts forming, issues, troubles, hurts, scrapes, bruises, accidents, homework.
Hugging them.
Kissing them.
Telling them they're THE MOST IMPORTANT people on earth to their parents.
The list goes on.

We now do this all for ourselves, me in a clumsy haphazard way! Clumping around then realising then nurturing myself if I realise to do this. Wash rinse repeat.

Hard work.

Love you
EMxxxx

Hey EM,

Admittedly being good with calming/grounding is something you and I don't have in common. I am, in fact, quite rubbish with it. I can logic my way through functioning (i.e. through reason I can push myself to keep doing stuff I need to, like working to keep my house after splitting with man-child), but the emotions are still running on another track and they wreak havoc on my health. The ADHD rampant maniac in my head barely slows with the best of the techniques I know, and it never stops. In that way, exposure therapy could be quite problematic for me - negative emotions escalate quickly and can take a long, long time to settle back down.

Okay, yeah, I was thinking of the caravan thing (you didn't mix me up with someone else). I had been thinking of telling you about it, but have no recollection of actually doing so. I'm a tad concerned about that, my memory is more than a little shoddy in many areas, but I'm generally pretty aware of what personal information I have shared with whom. :/ Bringing it up with me in and of itself isn't a problem.

Yeah, there's a whole lot that didn't happen for us. Most of those nurturing things, certainly (and the few that did happen were infrequent at best). Certainly no validation, hell no.

As for nurturing myself... that's a work in progress. I've always been kinder to myself than others in my life, I know that. In light of LM's example - how to truly be kind to another person - it still looks like I've been a bit mean to myself. Sure I'm good for buying myself treats, giving myself leeway to play a game or whatever if I want sometimes. But the deeper stuff - forgiving my mistakes, allowing for vulnerability - nope. Complete fail whale. I realise I mostly like and respect myself, but I don't love myself. No clue how to manage that one. Tackle one thing at a time, I guess, that's a way down the track.

Blue.

Hey Blue :-)

Yeah the whole Exposure Therapy thing must be extremely different for different people.
I can't imagine that ANY MH therapy comes as a one size fits all.

ADHD could easily play havoc with E.T. as it does for you in every day life, and every night too.

My Trauma Psych actually timed in minutes / seconds & had me rate my feelings of stress on a 1 - 10 scale as she timed me, it was pretty technical...

so the E.T. started then as she asked me to re-tell a story of my worst memories of abuse.
NOT something I'd think anyone should do on their own at all.

Then she timed me, I guess, self-regulating myself back to within a normal or less stressed feeling, like a 1 or 2.

She was silent and didn't help me co-regulate at all! so this was as raw a score as she could gain.

In itself I was trying to describe the E.T. process as I experienced it, ind of like Exposure Therapy in readiness for potential Exposure Therapy you may have, though I'm not sure ALL Psychs do this in the same way....

I've read people becoming so stressed and it that tumbling PTSD mode for weeks after E.T..... that's really sad.
It's hard enough living with the avoidance of it and it still happening, without the INTENTIONAL exposure of it all to ramp it all up. Yuck!

Btw that was one of my many strategies to cope with C-PTSD, avoidance.

Yeah well I'm pretty sad that that childhood story of yours was indeed your story. IE about living in a caravan.
You may have mentioned it to another member and I read it. Can't remember when or which thread either sorry.

That story and you mentioning neglect in your past relationship was what we were talking about at the time if my memory serves correct (don't bank on it! my memory that is omg).

I discussed something with my Counsellor last week and it was about the Psych she recommended to look up.
Esther Perel... i triggered and said no way, she's part of the R.I.C. the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.... making tones of money in the futile crap of reconciliation after infidelity.
I had to explicitly express my views to my C and she agreed lol!
Infidelity is sexual abuse and more.
That's my view and the view of many others too, also why I think so many normal people FEEL so bad when it happens.

Such cheerful conversation Blue!

About E.T. I think I was trying to say to be careful.

Love EMxxxx

Hey EM,

No, therapy most definitely isn't a one-size-fits-all, though some therapists try and shoehorn people into their preferred method, it seems. ADHD is definitely not helpful for something like exposure therapy. Mind you, I'm a lot better with triggers and their root stories than I once was. Main thing for me now is finding triggers I didn't know I had, by which I mean stuff coming up that had previously always been usurped by focus on the current trauma. I count this as the first time in my adult life I've gone more than a few months without a major relationship or financial crisis happening. Of course I've had no room to deal with the stuff from way back - and just my luck when I stop to breathe, here it is to bother me.

I hear you about avoidance. At least with the more recent stuff, I know my triggers pretty well. There's no avoiding the attendant thoughts, I see them and know them and unhelpfully fight them. I do avoid people and places and reminders I know will trigger me, though. I mean, who in their right mind would deliberately walk into that stuff? I'm not one for torturing myself, it just ain't productive.

The new psych gave me some namby pamby crap about PTSD being related only to experiencing or witnessing something immediately life threatening, so I rather doubt exposure therapy will come up, frankly. I'm hazy on whether she was expressing that as her opinion or stating official diagnostic criteria. In any case, no validation on that front, surprise surprise. The trauma at least was recognised, and she does schema therapy, so despite the nice kick in the teeth on the PTSD front, she's already been more useful than any other "professional" I've dealt with thus far. Encouraging, isn't it?

No need to be sad about my story. I don't think or feel much in relation to it. It's what happened, and that's that. I don't run around telling everyone though; it's not just my own story, it's that of my mother and my siblings, too. Their privacy is relevant to me, though I am (a tad slowly) coming to the realisation there's no healing for me if I tell no-one. It's funny how I don't feel anything about it but also know healing is needed. Go figure.

Completely agree with you about infidelity. I can attest to reconciliation being a sham. Heck, even the bible says it's grounds for divorce! (Not that I'm a believer, but I think you'll see my point.)

Kind thoughts and songs from Puffballs,

Blue.

Hey Blue

I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic when you wrote.... "Encouraging, isn't it?"
Yes it very much is on the one hand that you're getting some validation in some areas. I guess it's not possible to hope for complete and utter validation in ALL areas from a health professional. Maybe we get some coverage from seeing different therapists over time.

Plus as more research is done and eventually filters through to therapists, then MAYBE things are better understood.

I'm going to come right out and say that IF you have explained your childhood situation, I think that therapist is denying the most basic needs of a young child. If you haven't then good.

The coercive and IMO explicit control of your parents (maybe only your dad IDK)… is evident.

That basic need of a child to "feel safe" cannot be denied as creating trauma.

As it was all you ever knew (as it was for me in some instances), I just absorbed it as my life and didn't see it as abnormal or anything. Needing to witness traumatic events is the explicit type of trauma, far more evidence there. Feeling unsafe is the hidden trauma.

I don't want to create thoughts of trauma if there aren't any, of course.

I know what you mean about triggers coming up now, not quite knowing where they originated. I agree with what you said about why they're happening now.... I see this a lot in myself and many others. Like when there's a long period of relative peace, SO MUCH comes up. Tbh I think this is one reason for post natal depression... many hours of being quiet with a baby, long hours at night trying to rock them to sleep.... hours and hours of time to think.... remember and also question "why this..." and "why that...".
It can be heavy.

My Counsellor took me back to a time and shone light on a trigger I never knew I had. I had had the reaction but had no idea WHY.
Once we went through this together (which was light exposure therapy), it had less power over time... now just a feint memory.

Better go, I'm awfully unwell atm. Need to go get more tests done today.

Love EMxxxx

Hey EM,

Finally online for a bit. Not sure if I said it somewhere else, upping the dose of my meds has gone kinda bad, it's like taking a sleeping tablet. Switched to taking it at night, still pretty groggy during much of the day. Added to that, LM is really stressing out over uni - a lot of work due and he's struggling a lot with his mental health and is needing my presence and help to stay motivated and get things done. Well, not just that but also making sure we do fun things together to stay okay mentally, hence not being online much. Further, I think I told you my roster changed. The work I did to minimise how many days in a row I do is completely undone and almost all of my days on for the fortnight are stuffed very close together. Granted not that many days by the standards of a healthy person. I, however, do not count as one of those.

The worst thing recently is that Mr Feisty has been unwell. He's had a respiratory infection. Thankfully he responded well and quickly to the meds, but it has meant 3 weeks of giving him antibiotics twice daily. Absolutely necessary to make sure the infection is gone and he stays well. The experience of giving them to him is traumatic for all of us, though. He is scared and he cries, and he's wise to all our tricks to catch him - we only succeed before dawn and after dark when he just can't see to zoom off, which means less sleep for two already very tired and stressed out people, especially during my long work stretch. It's been a nightmare, and it has seriously damaged Mr Feisty's trust, we can't get him in his travel cage during the day now, to take him out for much needed sun time. I feel like an awful mother.

Yeah, it was sarcasm when I said "Encouraging, isn't it?". I'm just tired of BS. I know, progress on one front. She's at least taking the schema stuff seriously, that's a step forward. Get the use I can out of this interaction, it isn't pointless. Tackle the PTSD later, with someone who can recognise it. No, I haven't gone through much of my childhood with her, just some.

You mentioned "coercive & explicit control" by my parents. Can I ask how you perceived that? As I see it, they had no control over anything, not us, not themselves. Just a pair of out-of-control messes, if you ask me.

No, you're not "creating trauma that isn't there" - it's definitely there in the reactions I have to related things. It's a lot to work through.

Out of words again, as usual. Song from Puffballs.

Blue.

Dear Blue (with a wave to EM)

I read your last couple of posts and decided I'd like to give some support, not that you are not capable, but knowing others empathize can't hurt.

Having been a uni educator for years I'd have to say that it is too easy to take on an overload, and of course this leads to difficulty with deadlines and possibly more importantly stops the depth of thought -and enjoyment - that should be there. Lack of motivation can easily follow of course. Does you LM feel he has the right workload or been a trifle ambitious?

Your shift work, there's not much I can say, other than I know perfectly well you have faced similar in the past and won though, and will doubtless do so again, despite overwhelming physical and mental fatigue. I hope the situation chances quickly.

I can't say I am that happy with your psych's defection of PTSD even if I"m not a professional, as far as I can tell it is a reaction to forms of trauma, either undergone personalty, or seen via another. No timescale on when it comes to the fore, I've been 30+ years at least for some, though the effect has not been as intense as at the time.

I'm delighted Mr Feisty responded to treatment, while he may be more flighty (pun?) at least he is better.

My supervisor sends his felicitations (dunno where Foxy Dog has gone, in the paddock chasing rabbits probably, fortunately rabbits are faster!)

Croix

Hey Croix,

Your support is, as always, appreciated. It is often those deemed most capable that are left without someone now and then just checking in to listen and offer some understanding - certainly true of my in-person life. Don't underestimate the value of this gesture.

Your words about uni ring very true. As for LM, that's tricky. He has only one course this semester, but it's an advanced course. In that way, he does think he has been a trifle too ambitious, and might have been better off deferring this part of his degree until later. It isn't helping that a lot of the communication is remote, and as deadlines draw near, his tutor is getting tardier and tardier with answering e-mails asking for clarification on matters that halt his progress on the greater part of the work until he has said clarification. This is ramping up his stress considerably.

Sadly I don't think the work situation is going to change any time soon. I think even with solar installed and reducing my power bills, it isn't enough to drop any more days from my schedule. Maybe a couple of hours here and there, I'm not sure yet. The damn meds aren't helping, I declare these another epic failure and do not intend to continue with them. Once again my life has been made harder by the very things I am using to try and make it better. The whole thing is getting very old.

It actually helps a lot for you to say that re PTSD, being someone dealing with it yourself. I'm flummoxed at her response regarding that, I would call it just flat out inaccurate. I'll make use of what she has to offer re schema therapy though, that's still further than I've got with any of the useless "professionals" I've dealt with thus far. Ugh.

Yes, Mr Feisty is definitely more flighty (very literally) in certain matters. He is still coming to sit on my head semi-regularly though, and letting me hold him on my hand, on his terms. I hate that doing his meds scares him so much though. I think any half-decent mother would be a bit heartbroken by something like that.

Greetings to your supervisor, and good luck to those (thankfully) speedy rabbits. Puffballs send a song (yes, Mr Feisty has still been singing now and then).

Blue.

Dear Blue~

I'm very glad Mr Feisty still sits on your head, and even sings occasionally. I guess it must be a big thing in his settled little world to have his mum chase after him, a real shock.

With study, unless things have changed since I left uni teaching the councilors were very helpful particularly if illness is involved, and your LM would most certainly qualify. Deferring without failure is better that just squeaking though wiht a terminating pass or less, and the only real problem is HEX, though even that can be sorted.

The tutor does not sound top draw, in any professional teaching role at a uni there should be formal contact hours set aside, and that does not matter if it is face to face, phone or email.

I see my spell checker was a useful as always and changed definition to defection -sigh. Well at least you got the gist of what I was saying. Being savvy enough to take the useful parts of the interaction and discard the rest is a most sensible attitude, and I'm glad the schema therapy looks hopeful.

Pity about the work and the current set of meds. I eventually found something that helps significantly without onerous side effects, however it is an unconventional medication not related to the normal run of the mill psychiatric drugs. It required special permission for my psychiatrist to prescribe it as normally it is not used for that purpose and is a restricted substance. Of course I can't go further and name it here.

I don't think the supervisor has moved a whisker since I last wrote, but sends regards anyway.

Croix

Hey Croix,

It's very special, feeling his little feet on my head, and hearing his beautiful song. Yeah - whilst it's not wholly unheard of for me to have to give chase (if he's got something in his beak he really shouldn't be eating), I rarely have to catch him and hold him in a way he can't fly away from, only to clip his claws occasionally. He is a rescued wild bird with all his wild survival instincts, not a domestic breed, so I can only imagine the fear he is feeling.

Yep, we have some familiarity with that. LM still struggles a bit with his pride when it comes to seeking help like that, admittedly. He is pretty set on seeing this course to the end, though the thing with the tutor is making it unnecessarily difficult. Said tutor has been pretty helpful and reliable up to this point - which is unfortunately the point at which it matters most. We are both pretty angry about that.

Auto-correct is like that. It's come up with some quite imaginative changes to various things I have attempted to say. But yes, I got the gist. I do think the schema therapy has a lot of merit and could be quite useful for me.

Yeah, some things just don't go how we want them to. I'm glad you found something that works for you. The thing that works isn't always what they think will work. As for restricted medications that require special permission to prescribe... that's pretty much everything for ADHD. I understand that for the stimulants, but I'm a bit hazy on why the non-stimulants are also restricted. And don't even start me on where they sit with the PBS, that's a mess.

No need for whiskers to be moved for regards to be sent. Puffballs do enough moving for everyone, I think, they are seldom very still (especially Sir Pecks, who is constantly into everything).

Blue.

Dear Blue~

To catch and hold a small bird is something I'd not feel capable of doing, they are so fragile and can hurt themselves so easily, you must have the greatest of patience and the gentlest of hands to accomplish this and for him then to come back after treatment and still regard you as part of his life.

That feeling on your head must be a joy.

Sumo Cat has just presented me with a small (traditional) rodent. I had noticed a couple of droppings and so apparently did Sumo. I guess he figures that's his month's keep well earned, and has returned to being 'busy'.

I would think it is one of life's skills to accurately asses one's capabilities, in study as in anything else. If there is no great urgency a job thoroughly done gives more staisfactin in the long run than squeaking though (or not) under great stress.

I remember I took an extra year due to the results of the PTSD and also recollect I actually refused to do a unit half way though as the lecturer had raised incomprehensibility to an art form. Fortunately he went elswhere the following year and his replacement was a pleasure to learn from. Being a mature age student has its advantages.

Then again I was in no hurry, which makes a big difference.

My meds were a very lucky find as are part of a trial, and even now I'm not sure if they reduce the effects of the PTSD, or all three conditions, mainly as they are so interwoven. No, they are not listed in the PBS, but as it is a workers' comp matter the cost is refundable.

I hope schema therapy is useful to you.

Croix

Hey Croix,

It's definitely stressful trying to catch and hold either of my birds without hurting them, especially since they wriggle and squirm to escape the whole while. Whilst with most things I have next to no patience, I have buckets of it for my little ones, their health and safety and happiness of are utmost importance to me. I guess I must be doing something right if they still trust me after I have to give them medicine, or clip their claws.

It really is the best feeling to have their little feet on my head. When I look up at Mr Feisty, he sort of arches his neck and looks straight back down at me, it's really cute.

Sumo's work is done, it seems, and you have a delightful gift (do you think he knows you don't want one?). Better for everyone's health and food storage to not have said rodent running about the house, I guess.

I certainly agree about study. Of course, it can be tricky to guage when one's capacity comes and goes, and when entering a course with requirements you don't really know in full until you're in it. Both of these have been true for LM. The rather mercurial aims of the research he was working on hasn't helped. Tutor finally gave him some direction as far as that goes, for his assignments (i.e. specifying that some of what was researched is no longer relevant and the general premise of it is no longer what it was to begin with) - any wonder he was so confused and stressed!

In LM's case, he's already running with a minimum number of classes - and has dealt with his own share of incomprehensible tutors and lecturers. There seems to be a proportion of educators who assume software knowledge relevant to courses that has not in fact been taught, and is not that easy to find via conventional methods like Googling it (as it is being used for things most people aren't using it for, i.e. collating very specific types of data).

Sounds like you were lucky to get access to these meds being trialled, and (in some ways) to have them covered by worker's comp. Luckier not to need them, I guess, but we make the best of what we've got, don't we?

Kind thoughts to you, Mrs C, & the Menagerie.

Blue.

Dear Blue~

I can well imagine the delight of those claws on your head and a beak craning to look down at you, a blessing.

I'd imagine the closest I've had to the same is with an ex-race horse in my youth, who responded and became a friend, galloping across a field to greet me and push noses. Something so huge and powerful willing to be ridden and looking forward to seeing me (nothing to do with apples of course:).

That special patience and gentleness you reserve for the puffballs I suspect has also been present though your LM's medical journey, something that is in itself a sort of miracle.

I also suspect you do not reserve the same for yourself to nearly the same extent, a shame. Don't ask me to justify that statement, it is simply an impression I've received over time.

Having the goal posts shifted after the commencement of an assignment, research piece or thesis is sadly all to common. I always advised my brighter students not to get a work out of the way quickly but wait, for precisely that reason. Of course the majority will leave it to the last minute anyway and not be troubled by a new twist in parameters:)

An approachable head of school/faculty can sometimes be of help if exotic resources are unjustly assumed.

Frankly is is rather a surprise that Sumo Cat wakes up for long enough to hunt and dispatch a domestic rodent. I guess storing up a healthy sleep account has its benefits.

With meds I seem to have been on the forefront over the years of trialing a fair number of new products as they appear, I suppos the law of averages says I'd eventually stumble across one that fits. What you say is true, better not to need them at all, however we try to play the hand we are dealt.

Greetings to the puffballs, and may their claws take a long time before they need clipping.

Croix

Hey Croix,

Few things more beautiful in the world, in my opinion. Good news to report, we have given Mr Feisty his last dose of antibiotics now. No more frightening our little angel.

Your relationship with said ex racehorse sounds lovely. I can imagine the joy of watching him gallop across the paddock to greet you.

Yes, LM gets much the same patience from me as our birds do. It's been a difficult journey for him and he's quite hard enough on himself without me being impatient with him, too.

You said "I also suspect you do not reserve the same for yourself to nearly the same extent". No need to justify that statement, I'd say I've shown that to various degrees throughout the life of this thread. No, I don't have much patience for myself, I expect a lot of myself and am a hard judge if I don't meet expectations. Over a lifetime, these things became the product of a mix of living with the consequences of not being on top of things (for much of my life without anyone to help pick up the slack in my worst moments), and of not wanting to be among the unwashed masses who refuse to take responsibility for their failings.

Interesting. I did an arts degree, so the nature of my work was pretty static as far as assignment requirements staying where they started went. I guess by its nature, some research is bound to change as outcomes undermine the original intent. That is what happened to LM. The greater part of the problem has been communication in the later weeks of the course. That said, I was very much a finish it at the last minute kind of student, even without the same problems LM has. ADHD for the win?

Hm, I don't think sleep works that way. Maybe it does for cats, who knows? Haha.

I guess the law of averages worked kind of in your favour, in the end. Yeah, we play the hand we're dealt. To some extent, we can treat it like the sort of card game that allows for trading in some of the cards, if not the whole deck. I've noticed most people don't try that trick, but I've found it useful.

Puffballs say "tweet", and they quite agree with you about the claw clipping! Kind thoughts as always to you, Mrs C, & any attendant supervisors.

Blue.

Dear Blue~

Yes it always amazed me he up on the brakes at the last minute and never buffeted me, thought to be truthful sometimes we had earnest discussions when he though an alternative path to our destination was more interesting, or when a vicious horse-eating scrap of paper blew across our path.

I'm interested in what you said

"To some extent, we can treat it like the sort of card game that allows
for trading in some of the cards, if not the whole deck. I've noticed
most people don't try that trick, but I've found it useful."

Would you like to expand or give a couple of ferinstances? I'm always interested in what techniques others have learned so I can piggy-back on them:)

Gentle tickle it puffballs if appropriate, Sumo sends his usual energetic greetings

Croix

Dear Croix,

Certainly amazing, given his size and power. He could do what he liked, really. Haha, I can imagine those discussions over course changes and scary bits of paper. Paper isn't scary to Puffballs, it's delicious - at least according to Sir Pecks. Many a time he has attempted to help me rid myself of the problem of bills or LM's problem of homework by eating them. If only it worked that way! As for paths our little companions may take, it's not wholly unusual for Sir Pecks to misjudge a landing intended for my head and subsequently find himself scrambling up my face to get there...

I was referring predominantly to financial circumstances when it came to "trading in cards". My forinstance being the whole thing of having been in significant poverty & briefly homeless in my late teens/early adulthood, and turning that around. Where my siblings have done the typical thing of people in that situation - living week to week, no savings to speak of, living in rentals, even after inheriting a modest fortune (by our standards) when our grandmother passed - I have worked hard on keeping costs down, used my inheritence as a deposit for a house, have dipped my toe in areas of investment and managed to save enough to navigate out of horrors like and $8K plumbing bill without being crippled. Granted I'm far from rich, but what I work with is not the card I was dealt. I take the same attitude to all the patterns in my life, like walking away from bad relationships and working not to repeat the pattern (I cite my brother as an example here, his pattern with women has been carbon copy every time, no sign of change). Schema therapy is I think something that will help me with similar such patterns in friendships and maybe even with my professional life, who knows? The rubbish cards I can trade in, I bloody well will. I sincerely hope that information is useful to you in some way. :)

Puffballs tolerate a tickle, though may eyeball you disapprovingly. Mr Feisty has been known to peck, I'd wear gloves or hope for some good calluses on the fingies like I have! Pat for Sumo, if this is acceptable.

Blue.

Dear Blue~

I'd have to say racehorses are two beasts at the same time. On the one hand nervous and skittish, ready to shy away at the drop of a pin, and on the other hand enjoying safe company and being tolerent -even putting up with being handled. It shows when you pick their hooves up and inspect and clean them -or get them shod.

I guess with some racehorses at least the balance is to far on the skittish side, and human contact does not have as much attraction, like some people htat have been mistreated I suppose.

What has this got to do with anything? Well nothing really, your balance is certainly on the positive side.

It looks to me that one of your strengths is to maximize what life has dealt you, the only really hard bit is recognizing something is wrong and then being able to take action. Maybe I misunderstand or am only partly on track.

You do better than most and I'm hoping like you that the schema therapy will help you further along that path.

Regards to puffballs, Sumo will accept a stoke (in moderation) and even purr, but sees snoozing as a preferable alternative.

Croix

Dearest Blue,

I've only read a little beyond your post to me, so forgive me if I speak without knowing more. Hugs.

I only have a few minutes before needing to go out again at midnight to pick up kids from work, then it's CRAZY here till 2am till they eat and settle lol.

Firstly please tell me how Mr Feisty is?
It's hard being a good mum, you're a good mum because you did what he needed you to do, even though he didn't understand. I hope he's fully recovered now!

I'm sorry your meds are causing these side effects. It can take a long time to get it right. Then hormonal changes may effect this. It's so hard. You're doing so well.
Perseverance and persistence are true to your nature!

Damned shame the well planned work days schedule is blown out of the water, grrr and HUGS!

You'll probably hate me saying this but we all just need to dance to the beat of our OWN drums. Comparing ourselves to others is mostly very unhelpful I've found but it's what our entire society seems to do so it's hard to practice the virtue of detachment.
But it's detachment we need.

How did LM go with his due assignments? He is amazing, you are amazing. I'm SO PROUD OF YOU BOTH!
Has he considered doing less subjects next Semester?
It's merely a way of continuing but at a more reasonable pace.
We all know that our MH is so precious!

I was so happy to read that you are scheduling in some FUN TIMES! That's freaking awesome Blue, good on YOU. So many people appear to do this so naturally but I find it a strange concept tbh. My "fun" is working on my house or garden or being with my kids, apparently I'm rather "odd" but I couldn't give a hang, it's MY LIFE and I will always do my life the way I want to (within the limitations of course lol!).

Okay I also spend time helping friends which also sparks joy and fulfilment for me.

Any hoo Blue, I gotta go!

So nice catching up a little on the goings on in your life.

I've missed you!

Lots of love EMxxxx

Dear EM,

Certainly can't blame you for not reading everything since we last spoke, ol' Blue is pretty verbose, there's a lot of reading.

I bet you can't wait until all your offspring are driving, that will make things a lot easier on you.

Mr Feisty is doing well, he responded quickly to the meds, and no sign of symptoms returning since his course of antibiotics finished. There is some work to do on regaining his trust in certain things (like getting him into his travel cage), but he is well. In fact, we have been celebrating his hatchday (honestly, he gets to take centre stage for more than a day). We got him watermelon, which is one of few things he will happily eat quite a lot of from my hand - most things he won't at all, and some he'll take a few pieces and then stop. Watermelon, he took at least a dozen pieces from me. :)

Thanks. I can't say I'm enjoying the journey. I stopped the meds I've been on. As scattered as ever once again, forgetting things constantly, but at least I can bloody stay awake. No good gaining focus if the only thing I can focus on is the inside of my eyelids.

Yeah, I'm not happy about the roster change. And even with solar, I don't think I'll be dropping another day any time soon, it's hard to get a budget as tight as mine much tighter. That said, I'm down but not out. What I save on power can still go into the mortgage, and move us toward less interest and perhaps another refinance in time. Ultimately, tight budget even tighter. (Hugs still much appreciated.)

I'm a bit hazy on why you brought up the pointlessness of comparing ourselves to others. Why would I hate you saying we should march to our own drummer? That's pretty much the ethos I run on.

Thank you for saying you're proud of us. We don't have LM's assignment results yet. It was a slog getting them done, or at least the big one. One was a scientific poster (for presenting research propositions - a common practice, I now know), which was quite fun, I was able to help him with my training in design principles and using publishing software.

A work in progress, scheduling fun, it comes and goes. Sometimes we get so swamped, the concept of fun seems an impossible dream - getting on top of the work is so time-consuming and difficult. So yeah, tackling garden work ends up being my "fun" in those periods. I miss video games.

I've missed you, too. Don't be a stranger. Puffballs send a song.

Blue.

Dearest Blues, LM and Puffballs!

I will never be a stranger lol! We are WAY beyond that now hahaha.

Oh it's all darned FRUSTRATING pulling the belt in financially and thinking we need to pull it in further when there'd be no sanity left in doing that, I hear you. Grrr. LIVING is important too.

Congrats on all that work with LM and I KNOW he'll do well. Progress.... that's a HUGE thing. WELL DONE!

Of course I'm so proud of you! Gosh you should be so proud of yourself! Each day can be like dealing with bunches of mountains of obstacles when you're dealing with all you're dealing with.

The meds fiasco, well what else can you do? A break is what you needed, so good on you. Sometimes the side effects aren't worth taking them, as difficult as dealing with the non medicated state is. Alexa just dealt with similar and did what you've done. It's all too hard some times.

SO HAPPY to hear Mr Feisty is well again!
Happy hatching day special boy! Watermelon lol... that entire paragraph made me smile so big. I'm completely convinced he takes centre stage most days lololol! Your family is like ours, pets are so important to us too.
We've got an ever growing number of darling creatures living on our property now the chickens are in the palace lol. Around 5 big blue tongued lizards are evident in different parts of our garden, it's wonderful.

Although seeing a snake the other day wasn't so comforting lol. I do have ground level ceramic plates of water for them all, so it's a mmmm? They can't help being snakes.

Our possum bubbas are back in full form since the stone fruit started ripening on the trees, I feed them apples on the balcony railing too, so yeah I can't help myself lol. They're SO CUTE!

I digress.

Gardening... I need to catch up on the Gardening Thread...
I'm telling you now my Leaf Blower is worth it's weight in salt! It was only $59 and has saved me countless hours of sweeping. It's the same brand as my whipper snipper so the batteries are the same which helps alot.
They are both SO light to carry so this helps with my energy levels too.
I love how I only have to press and button and not pull a cord to start the things, those mechanisms just drive me nuts, so do the petrol fumes erk.

Better scoot around and catch up here while I can,

Love you all lots
EMxxxx

Hey EM,

Finally back. Touché, definitely not strangers.

Yeah, sanity is kind of out the window with money. It's getting better. Centrelink rejected my Health Care Card renewal on the basis "we make too much"... Our income, reflected as such in my paperwork, is almost TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS UNDER THEIR STATED INCOME THRESHOLD! So now everything has gotten a bunch more expensive for literally no reason. And you know what they're like about answering the phone. They stick you on hold and just leave you there, and if you go to their office they tell you no, you have to call that line they don't answer. I am beyond furious with this.

Thanks. We know now he has passed. Just shy of a credit, which isn't bad considering there were smaller projects he couldn't submit in the end and he struggled so hard with the rest.

I appreciate you saying that. Every day certainly is hard work. You're in the same boat. I'm proud of you, too.

The doctor has given me yet another thing to try. I'm hesitant, admittedly. I'll give it some time, worry about it after Christmas maybe. I don't have the energy for it yet.

It is beautiful to see Mr Feisty happy and well again. He and Sir Pecks most definitely take centre stage every day, they are the heart of this household as I'm sure your furry and feathery friends are in yours. I'm not fond of the word "pets", admittedly. The sense of ownership is attached to it, and all the human wrongness that comes with that. The birds are our babies. Cool you have lizards in your yard, by the way. Lizards are cool.

I hear you about snakes. I'm glad you put water out for them. I have a healthy respect for snakes, and know to leave them be. I do think they're quite beautiful, though.

Ooh, the possums sound adorable. I'd be feeding them, too.

Can tell you love your leaf blower, haha. Glad it's proving so useful. No need for one here, but the electric whipper snipper is definitely a winner, I use that a lot. Electric things don't break down every two seconds like petrol things, they are so much easier to maintain and handle, too.

Much love and Puffball songs to you.

Blue.

Dear Blue, LM, Puffballs and Ecomama~

May I wish you all a lovey Christmas and a peaceful productive and happy year to come

Croix

Thanks Croix. Merry Christmas to you, Mrs C and the Menagerie, too. Puffballs send a festive song.

Blue.

My year so far:

LM suffering high anxiety and low energy. Difficult on him, difficult on me. The result for me is increased workload around the house but also with him needing my attention and time, I am often unable to just get on with it. Important work is getting left overlong too often, and time to myself is infrequent, brief, and usually spent on getting those damn jobs done, as there's health and safety to consider in cleaning - i.e. too bad if I need alone downtime, which of course is a significant need for an overworked introvert. He's trying his best to get on top of his struggles, but we all know it's not that easy with mental or physical health, by nature those things undermine our efforts to deal with them.

Work, with borders open and covid cases going nuts, has been a nightmare. A city full of people scared to go out will do their shopping online, which means massive workloads for us online shoppers. The seniors in my department (aka myself inclusive) have been pulling very long days that are flat out from start to finish, working with insufficient equipment, space and staff for the literally quadrupled workload. Our year or so of requests for more of the appropriate equipment since the last lockdown have so far been met with nods of agreement but no actual action and we continue to be stuck with improvised solutions that just aren't good enough to meet demand.

Added to that, and worst of all, Sir Pecks has been unwell. His first trip to the vet in his 9 years, which is admittedly a blessing, but scary stuff with him struggling to eat. We're still not entirely sure of the cause, but various medications have eased his discomfort and he is now thankfully back to his adorably mischievous self.

Lastly, and I know I'm doing this to myself, is the stress of a diet. Ol' Blue isn't fitting so well in her clothes of late. Too much comfort eating over the last rather stressful year, surprise surprise. I can't afford new clothes and don't want them in any case; I feel less than wonderful about my body, and would be equally stressed if I didn't address the problem as I am by doing something about it.

My latest ADHD meds sit untouched in their box. Having some trouble pushing myself to take another chance after the last two went so very badly. Life is hard enough already.

Dear Blue~

You sure have load ATM. May I ask if LM's physical condition is reasonable, or is that adding to his anxiety?

I understand being drawn two ways, being with and assisting LM, and doing all the things you need to do to keep everything running -wihtout time off a third you to take "me-time". I don't think I'd be able to get lose to your abilities.

Work -well the management is sacrificing peple for action. You know it, but oyur options are limited.

I was most concerned to read about Sir Pecks, he is such a big part of life and so full of character. I'm glad he has responded to meds.

Talking of meds are these ADHS ones new or more of the same? Though it sounds like it is life and circumstances that are hte real downers right now.

I hope LM improves, not only for his own sake, but to be less burden on you.

If you want a really gloomy song someone just introduced me to "It’s getting bad again" by Ethan Jewell. It's so down I'm going to keep a note (¿pun?) of it so I have something to keep me company when life is simply to horrible for words. (Don't need it now:)

Croix

Dear Croix,

Yeah, it's a bit. LM's physical condition is stable, aside from his energy being lower. He still has a lot of stomach trouble, which has remained chronic since the surgery and is miserable for him. Those two things are still more than enough to increase his anxiety, along with knowing his capacity impacts me as it does.

Very much drawn in two ways, not only because things need to be done, but because I need physical activity and to see things clean and uncluttered for my own mental wellbeing and engagement with life. Mess and a backlog of jobs weigh heavily on me. On the flip side, I am feeling like the quality of our time together is impacted, we don't properly relax with him worrying and upset, and with my nerves jangling at the sight of mess everywhere I look. As for me time, that's a whole other thing. He's trying his best to give me time, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

My department manager is good, at least, she's working to reduce the load on us all, and has had some influence. It's coming down to a moderately manageable level, but there's more work to do. Sure would help if they'd send us that damn equipment. Yes, limited options. I'd leave if not for needing food on the table.

Thank you for your concern for Sir Pecks. He is so very dear to us, and it was hard to see our little angel in distress. It's huge relief to have him eating and singing and getting up to mischief again.

The ADHD meds are new ones I got some weeks ago, which I have been circling around since and not started, not entirely willing to embark on any more trial and error. The last two things I tried resulted in protracted stress on top of more than enough of that already there; I'm in no hurry to do that to myself again. No confidence that they will do good instead of harm.

LM is trying his best, looking into ADs and anti-anxiety meds. It's been a bit of a wait for a doctor's appointment, and the team at the hospital have really dropped the ball on him the last few months re monitoring his blood for correct levels of the immune suppressant, vitamins and minerals - any of these things could be messing with his energy. There's been no-one but emergency nurses there for weeks while the dept. has a little holiday. Maybe have alternative staff while the main ones are on leave? Geez.

Interesting song. Inexpert wording, but I wonder if that's for added sincerity. It fills that role and is performed with feeling. Glad you don't need such prose right now.

Blue.

Finally steeled myself for taking the latest med. Thus far it's been a sleeping tablet. Taking it at night and was okay during the day for a bit, if a bit slow to get moving. Have since begun to slow down to the point of not being able to hurry when I actually need to, it's like walking through treacle. My ADHD symptoms have been worse the last couple of days than they have in a long time. It's looking more and more like I'm not one of the people who can conquer ADHD with anything other than sheer bloody hard work. I guess at least I'm no stranger to it.

In better news, I had a productive appointment with my psych, addressed her less than helpful response to my attempt to broach the subject of PTSD. She was, apologetic and took what I had to say seriously. Actual progress.