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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Topic: Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

  1. Blue's Clues
    Blue's Clues avatar
    2299 posts
    6 April 2022 in reply to robthomaslover

    Hey Tayla,

    Sorry it's taken a while to get back to you, work has left me really exhausted by day's end and I haven't been on top of getting back to people.

    Maybe journalling could help you?

    Hopefully you have a better GP now. Have you found any relief for your sinus problems?

    Sorry to hear you're not feeling so great. Do you want to talk about it?

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    17 April 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues
    In iso, awaiting PCR results. LM mildly symptomatic and confirmed positive, dragged off to hospital "just in case", so we can't be together through this. Life just keeps getting better and better.
  3. Croix
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    17 April 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    I've my fingers crossed you do not have it too. I was very sorry to hear the LM has it but am encouraged the symptoms are mild.

    It's no use my saying its the best place for him in hospital, you are well aware of all the possibilities, and not being together is a horrible blow

    I wonder if this turns out to be the case he is not at home for a while that you try to get something positive out of the situation and get as much rest as you can, doing the minimum possible.You normally push yourself beyond limits.

    When my first wife was in hospital I was able to chat with her by phone, is thay likely for you two? I hope so, the contact will give both of you strength and comfort as it did us.

    I hope the fluffballs are all OK.

    Sumo nodded (a big deal for him)

    Croix

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  4. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    17 April 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Thanks. I most likely have it, we don't exactly distance from each other and I am similarly mildly symptomatic. That said, the hiccup for me is that most of the tells of covid are part of my everyday experience with ongoing fatigue, asthma, chronic rhinitis, being headache prone and often getting a slight sore throat when I'm run down (a holdover from a year when I was getting sick every two seconds, it's been a thing ever since). Short of those things getting more severe, I couldn't tell covid from a normal day.

    Yup, I am aware of the possibilities. Being apart is incredibly difficult, the worst blow by far. Yes we can call, even video call if we want. These days screen sharing is a thing, so we can watch shows together and chat, so that's something. We did that while he was in hospital last time, though it really hurts not being able to hold each other while we watch, like we would at home. I know he will be missing the birds a lot, too.

    It's certainly occurred to me that I can rest up and do less work. That said, the dishes and washing have piled up and I'll still have to deal with that. I'm better at using very few dishes on my own though, so if I can get on top of it, it will stay done for the most part. Money is a problem with all the time I've had off work lately and the convoluted stuff around public holidays in SA that has left me rather worse off over Easter, so I'm stressed about paying for groceries, and it feels like we're never going to get that damn dishwasher, which would make our lives rather more manageable. Everything to make life easier feels out of reach right now, even simple stuff like bigger bins to give us more time between emptying them. Money just isn't there with the cascading shower of BS lately, like having to replace my tyres and my phone. $800 later...

    /end rant.

    Puffballs are okay, Sir Pecks is snuggled up against my neck at the moment and Mr Feisty is on my head, having a sing to the instrumental prog I have playing. I'm not averse to having quality bird time at home. Just wish LM was with us. He is indignant at being taken to hospital with barely any symptoms. We get where they're coming from, but whether it is really better for him is debatable. Getting woken up every two seconds for obs and having lights on all night keeping him awake isn't going to get him the healing rest that might otherwise keep him well. Very frustrating.

    I am honoured to receive Sumo's generous nod. ;)

    Hope you're doing okay.

    Blue.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Croix
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    17 April 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    You paint a lovely picture of Sir Pecks and Mr Feisty, I can just imagine it. Sumo is sitting beside me on his special blanket, paws curled round and tucked under, tail wrapped around, eyes closed, whiskers drooping -busy

    -C

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  6. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    18 April 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    It's easy to paint a beautiful picture of my Puffballs, they just keep being beautiful at me. I can imagine Sumo in that pose, a commanding presence even in repose.

    My test result came back negative, much to my surprise. Throat still feels a bit off, wonder if I'm feeling off because I expected to, if I was just more run down than I thought, or if it wasn't advanced enough to show in the test. LM and I aren't exactly a distant sort of couple, I'd be hard pressed not to catch anything he's got. His symptoms are no worse today, I'm glad to say.

    Kind thoughts,

    Blue.

  7. Croix
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    18 April 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    The most surprising peole do not get Covid. My offspring is an example, as a nurse one would think it was just about a certainty - but that never happened (despite even my grandson having it).

    So maybe you are simply one of those people -though admittedly it might be a bit early ot tell. I'd not be in the least surprised if your being run down by asking too much of yourself for too long did not have something to do with it.

    Fingers (or flippers of course) crossed.

    I told Sumo about his commanding presence, he did not deign to respond, I guess he takes that as a given:)

    Croix

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  8. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    19 April 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Unsurprisingly, I'm not one of those people. Test has now confirmed what I already knew. I'm sure being run down has plenty to do with it, too, both the covid-like symptoms before having covid, and with being susceptible to catching the damn thing when the time came. I haven't been asking much of myself since being in isolation, too tired for that, body says no.

    Keep those flippers crossed it doesn't get any worse for either of us.

    I can imagine Sumo being quietly smug. I currently have Mr Feisty perched upon my head and Sir Pecks napping beside my printer. Must have worn himself out with all his mischief earlier, tearing up newspaper on my desk and knocking over my Warhammer models. Cheeky boy.

    Blue.

  9. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    27 April 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues
    Another week later, LM home, both of us still sick. Possible chest infection. He's got antibiotics coming. I've got to find out what doctors will do to help someone of otherwise normal health in quarantine. Sigh. May or may not be good by the time I'm due back at work. Currently looking like not.
  10. Croix
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    28 April 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue

    Well I'm sure it is great to be back in company with LM, even if you are both unwell. I hope the infection is mild and passes quickly.

    I know both my GP and my psych will phone consult and then fax any prescriptions to my pharmacy (who delivers). It works out well for me, I hope your professionals are as obliging.

    Croix

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  11. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    29 April 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Definitely good to have LM home, though it does mean extra housework. The birds are happier with us both home, that's for sure. LM's cough has gone before he even got his antibiotics, which is a relief - it would be a disaster if he got a chest infection.

    I called the covid hotline and was directed to an online service that could provide me with scripts and a medical certificate - I have a reprieve from work for the week-end. With some mucking around I got my prescriptions delivered and a couple of other pharmaceuticals I needed. Hoping the antibiotics resolve my cough, I'm more than a little fed up with it. Mind you, I can't say I'm sorry about having a bunch of time at home, there is a silver lining.

    Hope you're doing okay.

    Blue.

  12. Croix
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    29 April 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    I'm most encouraged to hear LM's cough has gone, that would be a real relief, just need you to get yours under control - and more rested I guess. The medical certificate was an excellent idea.

    It's funny how the little fluffballs can miss one of you, it's much the same with Foxy Dog and Sumo Cat, they tend to seek extra attention from me if Mrs C has to be away for a day or two. They also nag more for treats:)

    As for me, I'm in good spirits even though the body has a mind of it's own (a contrary one:)

    A cake-crumb each for the fluffballs (if that is their favorite) and a dignified twitch of a whisker from Sumo

    Croix

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  13. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    30 April 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Yes, very relieved his cough is gone. I continue taking it easy. I've got my antibiotics, they may or may not be helping. Seem to be improving a little, it's proving to be a long-winded process. Doesn't feel like it will be done with me before my next shift after the week-end, there may be more medical certificates to come. As much as it would be nice to resume life, I'm not going to push myself, this is the best chance I've had in a very long time to recover from any of the burn-out that comes with being me, so I'm making the best of it.

    Yes, they definitely feel it when one parent is missing. Sir Pecks in particular is very attached to LM and skraarks and follows him if he so much as leaves the room for a minute. Mr Feisty is a little more inclined to stick to me, but he loves LM's pants with the drawstring and will sit on his leg playing with the string as long as he is allowed to. Very cute.

    Glad your spirits are good. I hear you about the contrary body, mine is misbehaving some, also! Hopefully you're not getting too much grief from yours.

    Cake crumbs are a no-no for birds, but I'll happily give them some seeds from my sammich in your honour (they love seeds, Sir Pecks enacts a deft snatch and zoom manoeuvre whenever presented with either parent eating bread or seedy muffin). By all means give the Menagerie some treats from me, whatever takes their fancy (in moderation, of course, though I am certain they won't approve of that).

    Blue.

  14. Croix
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    7 May 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    I'm hoping your symptoms are now gone but that you managed to get enough certificates for a rest. Is LM bearing up well?

    Cake crumbs being out figures. Mrs C and I used to feed stale bread to the wildfowl on the river when we were walking. Now we use packet wild-bird seed. Actually this has worked out well as they are harder to pick up and there is less jostling and bullying as each bird, geese included, are busy pecking the ground rather than quickly gobbling the bread and then trying to drive each other away.

    Treats for Foxy Dog are easy, she eats anything with relish. Sumo is more difficult. He is very conscious a cat needs to maintain standards, and if it doesn't come out of a foil packet it is not really up to snuff. (He is forced to eat dry food as a mainstay but does nag for a tasty morsel.)

    Croix

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  15. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Excuse the belated reply. There's been so little activity on the forums of late (at least of any particular relevance to me), I've forgotten to check them for a while. I'm testing negative and out of iso, now. Still somewhat fatigued, but more or less better. It was a good amount of time off work. LM is still doing well, also fatigued but otherwise okay.

    Glad you have upgraded your wildbird treats, seeds are better all round. Though the friendly lorikeets I encountered once interstate weren't impressed. One came and picked up a seed from my hand, held it for a moment, then politely put it back...

    Dogs are usually pretty easy. Cats, not so much. The trick is to make them think they shouldn't have it, suddenly they'll want whatever you've got. Puffballs say "skraark" and a very soft "tweet", respectively. Interestingly, Mr Feisty is (usually) the quiet one.

    Blue.

  16. Croix
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    12 May 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    I'm glad you and LM are both OK and have even had a bit of a breather. Things certainly were seeming to get on top.

    I'm afraid I'm going ot have to explain the facts of life about Sumo Cat. youu did say "The trick is to make them think they shouldn't have it, suddenly they'll want whatever you've got" which is a pretty good idea BUT

    Mrs C spoils me, spoils Foxy Dog and spoils Sumo. Now I'm pretty happy with being spoiled, unfortunately so is Sumo, who expects me to do the same. A steely glare and a firm Meow are normally enough to make my good intentions crumble. If I don't give in Sumo stalks off to Mrs C and tells tales of unreasonable hardship.

    I'm outfoxed as it were

    Croix

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  17. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    16 May 2022 in reply to Croix
    Breather is over, LM back in hospital. We're both so tired.
  18. Croix
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    17 May 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    I'm realy disappointed that life has thrown something else at you - not what either of you needed.

    May I ask if it is LM's infection that has flared up again or something else?

    It is no wonder you are both tired, one thing piles on top of another. Have you had to go back to work again now?

    I guess a peck of birdseed each for the fluffballs to keep their spirits up when you have the energy, plus an upbeat song that seems sort of appropriate:

    Lee Dorsey: Working in a Coalmine

    BTW what are you listening to ATM?

    Croix

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  19. Blue's Clues
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    2299 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Yes, it's exceptionally disappointing, we really don't need it. His blood oxygen has dropped significantly. At this stage we don't know why. As usual, the doctors are doing a barrage of tests to figure it out. He'll probably be in there a while.

    Yeah, it's been constant this year, I can't even act on the ideas I've had to reduce our stress/workload at home because we're too busy with rolling disasters. We have the money for that dishwasher now, but will anyone be home to take the delivery? Damned if I know! So it waits, and my workload remains the same. Focused on LM being in hospital, so I missed the window for ordering ready meals to arrive in any sort of reasonable time frame, so there I go having to cook. It's doing my head in.

    I was back at work for a bit over a week after covid, have taken more time off with LM in hospital, I'm sure they're getting sick of how unreliable I am, this year. I know I am. Much as I'm not excited about work, it'd be nice to do some normal life things for more than five minutes.

    I'm sure Puffballs would say thanks, but it's coming out more like "mmph" around the birdseed. ;) They have had a treat of red capsicum today, Sir Pecks especially loves the stuff. Mr Feisty was more interested in it today than usual, which was nice, he ate quite a lot.

    Good choice of song, I like it. On a musical tangent but similar theme, I'm now thinking of Tom Waits - Heigh Ho.

    I'm actually in a bit of a slump with music. I hear enough stuff I like well enough, but for the last month or so nothing has really moved me, I'm not getting the usual enjoyment from anything or that sense of involvement in the music. Very unusual for me. The last thing that was working for me was Osaka Punch; they're silly as, but I got a surprising amount of comfort from listening to them during LM's first stay in hospital this year. Probably a bit heavy for your tastes, but you might get some amusement from one of their more funky and less metal songs, Dancetown Showdown.

    Kind thoughts,

    Blue.

  20. Blue's Clues
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    23 May 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues
    LM still in hospital, still no answers and thus no improvement. Mother in law being a bit of a headache. I'm working the odd day here and there, keeping it minimal and working toward dropping another day a month if I can. Feeling very exhausted, and missing LM terribly. It sucks not having our little family all together at home. Feels wrong.
  21. Croix
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    23 May 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    Yes, enforced separation is a very hard thing. Loneliness, worry and not even the comfort of a silent loving presence - no support in a (mostly - there are fluff-balls) empty house

    I'm glad you are not working flat out and hope you can manage that extra day less, even that one day may make a real difference ot your tiredness and general health.

    May I ask what your MIL's problem is ATM?

    BTW I liked the Tom Wait's song (I guess I like most of his stuff) but did not feel that close to Osaka Punch, I guess I'm not as flexible as I'd like.

    Regards from menagerie (who think fluff-balls talking with their beaks full sounds hilarious)

    Croix

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  22. Blue's Clues
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    25 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    It's very hard, and something that has been happening a lot. Neither one of us does well with it. The longer he is in there, the more depressed he is growing. I send him pictures and videos of the birds regularly and video call with him when I'm not there in person. The house does feel empty without him, though of course Puffballs provide much comfort. It does get a bit lonely.

    Fingers crossed for that extra day off. My manager is open to it, I wrote up some changes to my roster for her to look over, it's just waiting on some new staff to start in the coming weeks. Meantime I will take time off as needed for LM.

    Gonna put a **trigger warning** on this bit. MIL has hit breaking point with seeing LM in pain, has been obsessing over the idea of his death - there is always a danger of it, and practical considerations to manage in regard to it, but it is by no means imminent. Not that one would know it to hear her talk. She's really giving an air of wanting him to just get it over with so she doesn't have to feel bad any more. No-one wins with her carrying on like that. We have taken her to task on it and encouraged her to just back off and sort herself out. At least she has taken that on board and is thus far taking our advice.

    I expected you might like the Tom Waits song, and indeed that Osaka Punch just wasn't your jam. You don't have to like what you don't like - but you asked what I was listening to, and that was it. I wasn't super into Osaka Punch when I first heard them, myself, but they really grew on me. I like their sense of fun, and both the vocals and music are pretty varied from one song to another and genuinely quite good (in my opinion) once the novelty of the lyrics wears off. I came across them as the support act at a concert we attended a few years back. I like to follow up on support bands that catch my interest, it's led me to some great discoveries.

    Glad to be of entertainment to the menagerie. They might have got a kick out of my two little darlings sneaking broccoli from my dinner plate tonight. My office was covered in it by the time they were done.

    Blue.

  23. Croix
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    28 May 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    I guess your MIL sounds a right drag. Hopefully she will keep on taking your advice and keepng quiet. Of course things can be a worry, but no sense harping on it, as I found with my first partner, you simply keep going as normally as you can and try to think positive.

    I'm not surpried LM is getting down being in hte hospital again. Do you mind if I ask if the reason for his oxygen level been identified yet?

    Is there any way you cna get him to feel useful where he is, things that you can mutually discuss about living and household matters where his input will make a difference? This is what I did, though you probably do this yourself already.

    I hope the extra day works out, have you sorted the dishwasher yet?

    I have not listened to everything Osaka Punch has done, maybe I"ll try again. Actually it is not all of Tom Waits that appeals to me, some is too soft.

    Amazing, my spell checker took 'appeals' and changed it to 'apples', seems sort of appropriate:) I spend half my time sorting out typos and spell checker fancies.

    Just listening to the blues version of the ending theme to "The Sweeny", takes me back, I was in the force at that stage and we all ended up calling the inspectors 'Gov'.

    Croix

  24. Blue's Clues
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    29 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Yes, MIL takes a lot of energy to deal with. LM has a lot more patience for her than I do. As for the severity of LM's situation, he and I do speak frankly about it and don't have rose-coloured glasses on - neither of us are fans of the "just think positive" philosophy, but on the flip side, he is alive, we have a life together, and we are determined to make the best of that that we can.

    It's exhausting and isolating for him, being in there. As for the oxygen, it seems they didn't have the organ rejection under control after all. The treatment now doesn't allow for "tweaking" his immune responses as needed, he'll have basically no immune system for the next 3-6 months. The damage to his lungs stands a chance of healing at least partially, but it will be some while before we know how much of it is permanent. I'm sure you'll understand this is rather taxing on him, both physically and mentally.

    Hopefully soon. My manager has covid now, and my department is in a bit of a shambles, so that won't be sorted out for a bit. No dishwasher yet, I've barely been home, so receiving deliveries is a problem. That's the sort of thing they won't just leave at the door if you're not home. Sigh.

    No expectation re Osaka Punch. Though if you like, my favourite of theirs is Muted Woot. I'd be hard pressed to describe it. Whether you'd like it or not, dunno. I hear you about Tom Waits. I don't care for his ballads, I like the weird stuff he does, like God's Away on Business and Hell Broke Luce. :)

    Spell check does all sorts of nutty stuff. I call it Hal (as per 2001 A Space Odyssey). It can be a full time job fixing up Hal's mischief.

    Haha, how did the inspectors like that? Even in the force, gotta have a sense of humour.

    Puffballs say "tweet".

    Blue.

  25. Croix
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    29 May 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    Actually you have just mentioned my two favorites of Tom Waits, though I am partial to Chocolate Jesus (the immaculate confection)

    My first wife and I did not have the same outlook, I knew it had a finite date and looked forward to every day, she had the rose tinted glasses. Well if it helped her - good. At least I could plan.

    I'm glad you and LM are of a similar viewpoint - it can be a comfort, even in dark times. As for oxygen uptake being too low, yes indeed it will have a very marked affect in itself - quite apart from the prospects. I can catch a glimpse of that as my many years of smoking are well and truly catching up with me.

    I hope your work situation sorts out soon.

    We only used Gov with particular D/I's and as a D/S I had a certain latitude when moods were lighthearted.

    Was it just coincidence or have you trained the Puffballs not to speak wiht their beaks full?

    Croix

  26. Blue's Clues
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    31 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Then I can but only approve of your favourite Tom Waits songs. I'm not familiar with Chocolate Jesus, gonna have to go look it up.

    I understand how hard that must have been. When LM and I first got together the transplant wasn't an option they had given him. We expected to have a few years together so there was always that understanding between us. It sucked, but it was what we had at the time. I am thankful other options appeared. I guess I can't criticise your first wife for the rose coloured glasses even if I see things differently, for some it's probably the only way they can cope.

    LM's oxygen remains low, the treatment will take some time to do much of anything it is going to do, so now we wait. The good news is, he is home now. The bad news is, he already had a little incident of passing out when he got up too quick. It hurts to see him dealing with the sort of stuff that was happening before the surgery, we went through that so this wouldn't be his normal any more. Well, and so he'd be alive period, but you know what I mean. It is disheartening. Hope your own concerns on the oxygen front aren't too severe.

    Thanks. My manager has looked over my proposed roster changes and is pretty happy with it, no more than minor tweaking required, and nothing I have a problem with. Hopefully we can implement it soon, she's gotta run it past the boss. He's a good guy, it should be okay.

    Yup, gotta know your audience with stuff like that.

    Co-incidence, to be sure. They heartily resist any training.

    Been trying to focus on some self care today, around my responsibilities with LM and Puffballs. Did some gardening and freshened up my hair colour. Simple things, but they helped.

    Kind thoughts,

    Blue.

  27. Croix
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    7 June 2022 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Dear Blue~

    It's been a few days so I thought I'd pop in and check on the important thing - did your freshened up hair color appeal?

    Of course if you wanted to say how LM and yourselves are getting on that would be good too.

    You're right of course, how different people handle things, the first Mrs C seeing herself as eventually being discharged and me having to put on an optimistic face, I felt it a bit hard to keep up at times. Still now that I look back over a fair number of years I'd not have changed anything. It allowed her to laugh and plan, and we were together as much as a hospital would allow (they were very flexible) -and that was the biggie!

    So I'm hoping you and your LM can have a fair bit of time together now he's home again -I'm sure not only you but those little Puffballs will wrap you all in a sort of globe of happiness.

    Sumo had decided to retreat into the 'cat tent'. This is of course a clothes horse in front of the fire with the sheets and garments almost touching the floor. A most excelet lair to peep out of.

    Croix

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  28. Blue's Clues
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    8 June 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    Ah, priorities. The freshened up hair isn't a new colour, just sorting out the roots, but when I first went vivid red, it was well received, lots of compliments. :)

    We had a few bumpy days after LM came home, he is always exhausted and often pretty down after long hospital stays, and truth told so am I. We've weathered out the worst of that and started coming out the other side, his health showing small signs of improvement. Hoping very much he can just stay home for a while this time. As you say, we have been getting in a good amount of quality time together, and our Puffballs are bringing us much joy. You'd have loved Sir Pecks the other day, marching around the kitchen bench, screaming at LM like a little dictator. He's the real boss of the household.

    I can only imagine how hard it was for you in that situation with your first wife. It's good though, that you can look back on it and think you would not have done it differently. I'm sure her laugh meant the world to you, as LM's does to me. Thankfully the hospital has been pretty flexible for us, too. There were occasions I was able to stay overnight during his last stay, which was a boon when I was coming in after a work shift and dreading the thought of a long drive home.

    Sounds like a good little cat tent to me. I imagine Sumo there thinking of himself as a great general or even prince in his great tent off on some grand adventure, taking all his creature comforts (pun intended) with him.

    Blue.

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