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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Topic: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. james1
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    17 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle

    Hey turtle (I mean this in the nicest way possible! i really like turtles!)

    I'm really glad you've posted here with us :)

    I think I mentioned it earlier, but my psychologist didn't want to give me a diagnosis either. She said "I don't like giving labels, but you have symptoms of BPD and we're going to work on those symptoms."

    I know it can be really tempting to seek a label to get comfort in knowing why we do what we do, but here's a thought:

    What is affecting your life right now? Is it this three word name, or is the things it's actually naming - depression, anxiety, identity, impulsivity, abandonment?

    It sounds like you know you're struggling with a lot of these symptoms...do you feel comfortable telling us which one feels most real to you right now?

    James

  2. spunkyturtle
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    17 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Hey James,

    I have major depression and general anxiety disorder, I'm very impulsive although I think I'm getting better at that.

    the psychiatrist today said I have BPD. I've bought a couple books on the topic so I can learn more about it.

    deb

  3. james1
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    18 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle

    Hey deb,

    Glad to hear you got an answer.

    If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about your diagnosis? You may have read Joelle and my reactions in the first page of this thread.

    Impulsivity is something that totally sucks sometimes! I lost $10000 on gambling. Highlight of my life, aha. At least the little birdie in my photo didn't care.

    James

  4. spunkyturtle
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    18 August 2016 in reply to james1

    I kinda had been wondering for a while, I just felt something else was going on, I'd read some medical reports saying possible cluster b personality and realised only bpd was possible. I'm getting sick of labels already, at least now I can learn how to deal with it I guess. I'd been wondering how I can learn to control my emotions. I so want to get married and have kids, scares me to think of mentioning this to a man, I mean when do you tell them, uuuggggghhhhhhhhh

    the important thing is I have a good support system around me now, my psychiatrist is great, I have a great GP and day therapy with supportive friends there.

    The word numb sums it up right now.

    I went through a phase of getting drunk and going to Kmart to buy books hahaha now I have to read them!!!!

  5. james1
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    22 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle

    Hey deb, sorry about my late reply.

    Yes, numb is exactly how I feel as well. For me it's purposefully numb, because it's too overwhelming otherwise. But it's scary to think of what'll happen when these walls start to crumble a bit.

    Sometimes the impulses work in our favour eh? haha. I impulsively signed up for two volutneering things and a run which was good. I also gambled away $10000 which was not so good...

    Do you mind if I ask what your doctors are suggesting to help you work through the BPD diagnosis? My psychologist is trying schema therapy with me.

    James

  6. spunkyturtle
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    23 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Hey James, all good.

    To be honest, our last session he'd said yes to the BPD, so will see what he says next time. I am checking out bout a schema program, it's one month in patient. Will see if it happens.

    Can you give me your opinion on something.

    I have a friend I met in the hospital, she's BPD, schizophrenia. We hadn't spoken to for 6 months or so. I invited her over for the night, spare room and we went ten pin bowling today. She'd said she wanted to go to the movies today, I thought ok, sure why not. She has no manners, doesn't say thank you for anything, is as though she expects it, as though she's entitled. Anyway, she decides on the way to the movie she doesn't want to see it, she wants to window shop, five minutes later she's bored and wants to do something else, so we get in the car, she wants to do something outside, I didn't know any good parks, too cold for beach, then she wants to do something inside, suggests playing squash, has no exact ideas, let's do something out doors, so I got frustrated and ended up dropping her at the train station to go home. She jokes that we have mental problems, often jokes about people like us, and we can never work full time, I hate that. I don't use my health as a excuse. I was exhausted when I got home. Please give me your opinion, did I do anything wrong or is it just her? No wonder I prefer cats, they're so simple ha ha

  7. james1
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    24 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle

    Hey deb,

    Oh boy, I hope I don't sound too inconsiderate when I say that sounds exhausting.

    I think of it this way (sorry for talking about my own life!) - my mother and I are both struggling with various issues and we just don't see eye to eye. We get worked up, frustrated, etc and inevitably somebody has to give.

    Is it either of our faults? Yes and no. Yes, there's nobody else who's in our mother/son relationship whose fault it could be. But no, in that it could just be nobody's fault.

    I think the same goes for you. She acted in the only way she knew how, and you had to make sure you didn't exhaust yourself.

    I think the main thing is you did the right thing by asserting your own need for some resemblance of a normal day and a desire for a normal life. You didn't feel comfortable with what she was saying so you took action, and that's perfectly fine.

    Did she say anything afterwards? It sounds like it was bugging you a bit yesterday.

    James

  8. spunkyturtle
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    24 August 2016 in reply to james1

    The last time she was at my house for the night she got upset bout 9pm and wanted me to take her to the hospital, I'm thinking no way, ring an ambulance and she did, she's telling the operator I triggered her and I had no clue what was going on.

    This time my parents weren't here and I'm looking after my physically disabled brother so when she started changing her mind and not giving proper suggestions then kept asking what are we doing, I said I'm just gonna drop you at the train station, she wasn't too happy but I didn't have time to drive around aimlessly. She wasn't too happy but I didn't care. If she came up with a solid suggestion it'd been different. I did nothing wrong, I wasn't rude.

    I just can't stand people with no manners too, please, thank you, it's not hard really.

    I won $181 lotto last night - yay! How was your day, James?

  9. james1
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    24 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle
    Oh and thanks for asking for my opinion :)
  10. spunkyturtle
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    24 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Oh, Thank you James! Just getting an outside opinion usually helps, a different perspective. Exhausting is the right word!! =)

    live been working on my all or nothing attitude, I want to have friends and not crack it and cut them off.

  11. spunkyturtle
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    24 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle
    Wonder how this filter works, my second message beat my 1st by hours ha ha
  12. james1
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    25 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle

    Hey Deb, I was waiting for your other post to arrive :) That wasn't very nice of her to say that you triggered her...

    I still don't think you did anything wrong. You had to take care of your brother and she was playing hard ball and just being rude about it.

    I'm glad you stood your ground.

    About the all-or-nothing mindset; I think your actions were fine, but I guess it's a matter of making sure that your brain isn't categorising people. I know I do it a lot.

    If it was me, I'd just be telling myself that yes, she's rude, and yes she did bad things. But she's also done good things and good people can be rude. It's not a matter of she's all good and we're great friends, or she's terrible and I shouldn't put up with her.

    Wow, all that talk of good and bad is confusing but I hope you get my drift!

    Still, it's easier for me to say that. Like you, I struggle convincing myself of that but we can only keep working on it as you say :) I just kind of wish my relationship hadn't broken before I got a chance to start working on it because, well, to be really insensitive, now I don't have a test subject, you know? Not sure how to put that nicely!

    Aha my manager won money too... but less than he put in!

  13. lookingforme
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    26 August 2016 in reply to james1

    Hi James, and welcome Deb.

    I'm sorry I haven't been around but I have been so exhausted that doing anything that requires concentration just breaks me.

    Today, I have been at the edge of anger a lot, at a lot of things. Nothing in particular really, though I'm sure the both of you understand. Yesterday, it dawned on me that I have started properly hallucinating. Not a lot but more than before, more than the auditory hallucinations and that shadow that follows me (I think I have mentioned those before?). I did it once at the beginning of the week, I saw this person in bright clothes just standing and staring at a wall of shelves at work. I thought her behavior was quite odd, because she was very close to them. About a couple of inches. And just standing there. But, I thought, who am I to judge odd behavior? I had just moved to this department, so I didn't know everyone there, but she doesn't belong to anyone in the department, upstairs or down. I brushed that off as someone from some other department standing there. Though it was improbable, certainly not impossible. Yesterday though...there is a long precursor story, but my parents and I live in an apartment building. My mum was waiting in the car outside while I went up to speak to security. I saw her open and look through the glass doors, acknowledge me and beckon toward me with her head. I thought that was strange, and it was niggling at me so I went out to ask her what was up, and she told me she hadn't left the car at all and what am I talking about? That really freaked me out.

    I don't know how I'm supposed to trust my brain anymore, and for some who relies on her logic, it just threw me.

    I feel better now having related this to someone who will probably read it and reply. It didn't quite help telling no one, or blogging about it. I suppose it wasn't directed at anyone. I will be telling my psychologist tomorrow though.

    How are you both? Again, I am sorry I haven't kept up. With all the added stress I have an upcoming exam for which I am a whole semester behind. That means in the next 5 days I have to do all the lectures and revision. It has to happen I suppose. I have taken the week off from work at least. We'll see.

    I will keep up from time to time. I hope you both are okay, or as close as you can get.

    Deb, I'm sorry my first post to you is chaotic.

    Joelle

  14. spunkyturtle
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    26 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Hey Joelle

    please never apologise for what you post =) I'm really glad you're seeing your psychologist tomorrow, they are a good support, I've never hallucinated, it doesn't sound too good.

    My parents are away and I'm caring for my disabled brother, I've been drinking the last 4 days which isn't good. Am just frustrated. Sitting here watch my football team play rubbish football and we are down by 37 points at 3/4 time. Disgraceful really!!

    Hopefully group therapy starts up again soon, I was doing much better with 2 days therapy, now I'm slipping a bit.

    Cheers you two =)

  15. lookingforme
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    27 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle

    Hey Deb,

    Hallucinating is a hard reality I guess, or unreality...

    That sounds tough, how are you holding up? Drinking...I can understand it. I certainly won't place judgement on it. While I was in Aus, I used put about 60% of my pay check in savings, buy the minimum amount of groceries except for chocolate and blast the rest of it away on booze and I would drink almost every night. I was finishing a bottle a weekend pretty much and bit more.

    I have never been to group therapy. How is it? I think I would spend a lot of it listening rather than speaking though. A lot of the speaking is internal for me.

    Perhaps you would like to share how you are slipping? If you would rather not, that is okay of course.

  16. spunkyturtle
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    28 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Hey lookingforme

    group therapy is good, even when someone else is talking you're still learning, they may talk about something personal that gets you thinking about your own situation in that area that you wouldn't have mentioned.

    Im just missing the group, being busy and learning new things. Parents are home in two days. My disabled brother just doesn't talk and really can't hold a conversation so I'm just feeling lonely with no one to talk to. I had a friend over but she wasn't much good either. I'll be fine in a couple days =)

    1 person found this helpful
  17. spunkyturtle
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    28 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle
    I have started reading the book 'I hate you, Don't leave me - Understanding the Borderline Personality'. I don't believe I have BPD.
  18. lookingforme
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    28 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle
    Oh? How come? I haven't read it myself, but I you cared to share your thoughts, I will gladly listen.
  19. spunkyturtle
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    28 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    BPD has 7 criteria, 4 of which must be met.

    The book is going in to detail about the criteria and talking about people with the condition. This is why I asked the Psychologist and Psychiatrist, I thought after all the conversations with the Psychologist she would have an idea.

    For example, it's talking about lack of trust and trouble with relationships not lasting more than weeks or months. I was with my ex for four years and he didn't want to break up when I walked out. Although I'm not completely trusting, I do trust select few after short times. I mean if you can't trust your psychiatrist you're in a bit of a mess.

    It talks about bpds hating being alone and will latch on to anyone, anyhow. I enjoy my alone time. It also talks about lack of self identity, being easily manipulated, def not me. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and I won't be used or manipulated.

    Hmmm

  20. lookingforme
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    28 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle

    Not that I am forcing you down this road, but what about the other 4? From what I have read, there are nine criteria now, is that incorrect?

    It's funny you should say that, I don't trust my psychiatrist...

  21. blondguy
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    28 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Hey Joelle :-)

    I was reading about BPD for a relative...and I found these...(a Govt website...not Dr Google)

    • Elevated Mood...top of the world....full of energy...invincible
    • Increased energy and over-activity
    • Reduced need for sleep
    • Irritability - the person may get angry and irritable with people who disagree or dismiss their sometimes unrealistic plans or actions
    • Rapid thinking and speech - thoughts are more rapid than usual. This can lead to the person speaking quickly and jumping from topic to topic
    • Recklessness - reduced ability for the person to foresee the consequences of their actions - spending large amounts amounts of money buying items that are not needed or required.
    • Grandiose plans and beliefs - it is common for people experiencing mania to truly believe they are unusually talented or gifted...Often religious beliefs intensify their feelings

    Thats quoted straight off the Victorian Govt health website....Excuse I for sticking my beak in Joelle

    You are a gem

    My kind thoughts

    Paulxx

    1 person found this helpful
  22. spunkyturtle
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    28 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Wow may I ask why you don't trust your psychiatrist? If I didn't trust mine I wouldn't bother going back to see him.

    1. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment - not sure about this one.

    2. Unstable and intense relationships - thinking no now, was with my ex four years. Although I have no friends and I cut people off without warning, no friends.

    3. Lack of clear sense of identity - won't be manipulated, I don't adapt to which person I'm with. This is me, like it or leave it. So no I guess.

    4. Impulsiveness - big yes.

    5. Recurrent suicidal threats or gestures - no.

    6. Severe mood swings and extreme reactivity to situational stressors - well can say yes from past experience.

    7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - yes.

    8. Frequent and inappropriate displays of anger - I'd say no.

    9. Transient, stress related feelings of unreality or paranoia - ummm, no.

    Must have 5 to be BPD

  23. spunkyturtle
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    28 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    My post has to be moderated, I must of typed a word that triggered it to be moderated
  24. lookingforme
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    28 August 2016 in reply to blondguy
    Hey Paul, thanks for the info, that sounds like Bipolar Disorder, which site it this? It isn't in line with what the psychiatrist told me, and doesn't describe me at all hah.
  25. spunkyturtle
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    28 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme
    Does sound like bipolar, can I ask why you don't trust your psychiatrist looking for me
  26. lookingforme
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    28 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle

    Hah, it doesn't register anymore that I am lookingforme. I was wondering what happened to that sentence there.

    I get mixed signals and that puts me off completely. I'm invested one day and not the next. I realise that is part of the problem, but...I have thought about it, and it is never my first instinct to tell him anything. I feel he is inconsistent when it comes to taking me seriously. I have major trust issues so, when I feel I am not being taken seriously, it builds a wall. The thought of being completely honest about me to another person is also...discomforting. The thoughts play in my head, what if they can't help, what if they don't want to help, what if their care is disingenuous, what if they palm me off, what happens if I don't get better despite all the effort I am putting in, what if they say they don't want to help, what if they say they can't give me all the help I need? What if they think I'm getting too attached and decide to leave me etc. etc. Best not to trust and protect me from all of that. Which is counterproductive to getting better. I trust my psychologist more but the same thoughts and questions play out. What parts of me do I let her see? Everything? Nothing? What are the consequences of either, and how much is middle ground? I am at a stage where I have to detach completely from myself and my emotions so that I can get the information out. As fact. This has happened. Unfortunately, it gets us nowhere as she asks me how I feel about my self harm or about my values and my future, and I come up with shrugs, and responses like, am I supposed to be sad about the self harm? I know it's an issue because society thinks it's an issue, and I don't really know what I value, is it the same as what I want to be? She tells me our last session was productive because she knew what environment I grew up with me, I thought it was completely useless, so I wonder if it is productive if I don't feel I have walked away with anything.

    Does that answer your question?

  27. lookingforme
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    28 August 2016 in reply to spunkyturtle
    Hey Deb, just letting you know I replied, just may have said some...things...hah, we'll see if it comes through
  28. blondguy
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    29 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au

    My Best to you Joelle

    Paulxx

  29. lookingforme
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    29 August 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Hey Paul,

    Thanks for the site. I looked it up and that was Bipolar disorder you described. I looked up borderline personality disorder too, and it seems about right with me.

    How come you're up?

  30. blondguy
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    29 August 2016 in reply to lookingforme

    Hey Joelle

    I slept in today...watching Alien (again) and Somewhere in Time....

    Is it just me Joelle or are many people self diagnosing their problems? Just chasing your opinion :-)

    My Best. Paul xx

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