Hey LC

Oooh your psychologist sounds awesome bringing the doggy in!! And hahaha I can just imagine yours stealing the tissue. That's hilarious.

Yeah to be honest I kind of hate dating apps. Maybe it's just me, but I'm also looking to have a conversation with people. I guess I'm just looking for an emotional connection really. But nobody seems to want to just talk!! And I also hate talking via message so I prefer talking in person, but it feels like people get all these expectations and things...blargh. This is why I preferred dating the last girl - she was really fun and just didn't really abide by usual dating rules haha. Or maybe people just aren't interested in me and don't want to talk, lol. Whatever. How do you find the apps? Do you have any frustrations with them?

Just coffee. I don't really know what to expect, but she suggested late Sunday so my expectation is she's not really that interested. Oh well :( I could be reading into that a bit too much.

James

Hi James

Yes my psychologist is great. I was so happy to see the dog. It really lifted my mood a lot and I felt so safe with him on my lap. Hopefully she brings him with her more often! She has lent me a toy that looks like him which I have had since my admission prior to this one, so it's nice having that comfort too. She's really thoughtful. I think she takes her job really seriously and is a really great psychologist. I get on with her really well too. So it's taken quite a few goes at various psychologists but I have found a great one. I also get on well with my psychiatrist. She is really accessible and I almost feel like she can read my mind because she knows me so well from all my admissions! Yeah, writing this makes me so happy to know I've got a really good mental health team. My GP is also pretty good but I don't see her that often. She under-diagnosed my condition initially and so I ended up in hospital in a crisis and quite unwell before my psychiatrist took over my care.

Coffee dates can be good. It's a good opportunity to see whether you connect with conversations without the distraction of alcohol or dinner. Hopefully it goes well :) I find girls better chatters than the guys I have spoken to on Tinder or Her. I think girls are nicer than guys too!

I'm cleaning up my desk so I can start my next big assignment, which is due mid December.

LC

Hey LC

That's wonderful that you have such a good team. GP's don't seem to know much about BPD generally, though there are a few who do, so it can be a bit tricky so I'm glad it got sorted in the end for you.

Haha yeah, guys are pretty bad at conversation I've found. It's probably why most of my close friends are girls because guys just don't like talking. I have my quiet times too, but damn I can be a chatterbox haha. I'll let you know how it goes. My second one got canned after she deactivated her OKCupid account before we could set up a time. :( That made me sad. I got really excited about meeting up. But she has exams so maybe it's just because of that.

Cool. Good luck with it. What's your assignment on?

James

Hi James

I presented to my GP mostly with anxiety symptoms so she thought I had a reasonably straightforward case of GAD and sent me to a psychologist who primarily had training in that area and put me on an antidepressant (which I am no longer on that specific one). My psychologist expressed the opinion that she did not think I needed to see a psychiatrist, but my GP decided as I was going downhill and my depressive symptoms were starting to become pronounced to check in with a psychiatrist and to also assess whether I had an axis II disorder. Immediately before seeing the first appointment with that psychiatrist (who I saw once), I ended up in emergency and was very unwell and ended up in a private hospital a few days later. My BPD was not really an issue in the beginning. I think once my depression was managed a bit better, my BPD became more of an issue. When I got sent to DBT, my psychiatrist just described me as having traits but that changed when I started displaying more BPD symptoms and my behaviour (so attempts, gestures, self harm, fear of abandonment, idealisation, dissociation, etc) became more obviously BPD. Now I think my BPD is more of an issue than my depression. Anyway long way of explaining what happened prior to my first admission!

OkCupid. I haven't tried that. I'll have to take a look. That's disappointing that you didn't get to exchange contact details with the other girl. Hopefully, your date goes well!

LC

Hi James

I logged onto OkCupid and found all the questionnaires and boxes to fill really confronting! And I felt so pressured. Maybe I'll take a break from dating until I can work up to OkCupid!

Night

LC

Hey LC

Wow you've had quite a run with the diagnoses eh? Yeah, I think the BPD is really something that rears it's ugly head in relationships, but can otherwise be quite...I don't know. Hidden? Under the surface? Until things get a bit shaky then it crops up and then when you start thinking about it, it seems to crop up even more as you self examine. Or at least that's what happened with me...

Oh no, I'm sorry I didn't mean to put you off. I don't think you actually need to answer everything. I don't remember to be honest. I think I set mine up a couple of months ago.

Do you feel like being in a relationship would help or hinder your progress? Or are you unsure?

I ask because I'm a bit confused about it myself. I feel like it would give me something to work towards and is a good way of testing myself to make sure I only date people who are actually compatible with me. But at the same time, it can set off my BPD symptoms so badly haha. Yet I feel like how can I get better without actually putting myself through it, you know?

James

Hi James

I think you are right that when you become more aware of BPD, the more you see it! I think it definitely becomes more pronounced with relationships. I have been in hospital a lot over the last few years, so I think I've been really sheltered from real life, so now that I am more well it's becoming more of an issue. But I don't think I can work on managing it unless I get back into real life. So dating and making friends are all really important for that component. Eurgh it's hard! I don't want to be withdrawn from life any longer.

I have not actually been in any serious relationships. I've dated people before but I've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend). The guy I dated the longest was about 8 dates but I was scared of intimacy with him even though I liked him! I have my BPD, but I also have my past childhood history which impacts my ability to have relationships. So it adds another complicated layer and increases the length of time I will need therapy. I also become fairly vulnerable when I'm drunk. So I have had some nasty experiences on that front too which doesn't help. So I'm a bit scared about relationships for all those reasons which really aren't anything to do with BPD...

So I guess in answer to your question I think I need to try relationships, but I will find them hard and need quite a bit of professional support due to a lot of different factors.

LC

Ah crap so date got cancelled. She felt like, and probably rightly, that we were just too different in personality after chatting a bit. I guess this is why I hate Internet dating. You never know what the person is really like until meeting them in person but it often doesn't get there. So rather than moping alone tomorrow arvo, I'll be meeting up with a friend.

Yeah that's the problem with hospital. It keeps you safe but you can't get better from BPD. Depression maybe but not BPD.

Oh that's a lot to try and cope with. it's no surprise you find the whole dating thing difficult then. can you limit your drinks when on dates? maybe that can help in some tiny way with that. 8 dates is quite a lot. I think both of my relationships had progressed by then. and it was looking like the previous one was also about to get serious when she called it off.

Oh that's a shame, but I'm glad you have a plan for tomorrow instead. Yeah online dating is fraught with difficulties. I called off a date with a girl because I didn't see that we would be compatible in person after talking to her for a few days after the original date was postponed due to my visit to hospital (although I did not mention that was the reason). I am chatting to one girl who seems really nice and I might do something with her this week. Will see - I have sort of lowered my expectations which is healthy because I went way too intense with the first girl.

Yeah, I have a load of baggage, so there is a lot for me to work on but I don't think I am going to get better at this sort of thing unless I try. I will definitely limit alcohol on dates. I am thinking of doing mostly day time activities to begin with which are not as serious as say dinner or drinks. I like the idea of brunch dates or doing something like going to a gallery.

And I totally agree about hospital - it isn't real life but that said it has helped me a lot with my depression and literally kept me safe when I've been at crisis point.

LC

Yeah I'm really doing my best to lower expectations. I'm so tempted to just give up on this dating thing. It's such a pain and I feel like it's particularly hard with BPD because even just chatting raises my expectations and I start building an image of the person as perfect for me and think about future even before first meeting them, haha.

A brunch date would be nice :) I found coffee + bowling was really fun, so a gallery would be fun too. And I think having the activity first helped because it was like an ice breaker and we could talk about that, so by the time we wanted to go eat something for lunch, we felt comfortable in each other's company and conversation could flow. But maybe that's just how I like to meet people - doing something fun.

I totally am thinking the same about giving up dating for a while. It is really an interesting exercise in BPD symptom management, but it's really hard too. Dating is meant to be fun, but I'm finding every aspect stressful and it was a big factor which led to my last admission and that was a single date, not even a proper relationship! I'll chat to my psychologist and psychiatrist this week and see what they have to say...

Oh cool about the meet up group. I am keen to meet some people so want to get involved in activities. I am glad you liked them but also good that you recognise it is unrealistic to see them all the time.

I think I try to get to know them before making an assessment of whether I'd like to meet them. I would not want to meet up with someone without having a decent conversation online first. So maybe I'm misusing the apps!

LC

Nah, it sounds like you're using them properly :P I think I just get frustrated with talking online. I'm much more of a face-to-face person. When's your next psych appointment?

I have mine today so I'll probably ask what to do. I'm kind of stuck between not dating and being sad on my own, or dating and being sad when it comes unstuck!

I see mine tomorrow. It will be good to see her. My weeks are jammed packed with material for discussion!

I had a bit of a weird feeling yesterday where I went from genuinely thinking I needed to go to emergency on the way home from seeing my best friend to being so happy just chatting to a girl about literature and content with the conversation such that if I don't meet her I don't really mind. I ended up missing my stop and needing to catch public transport in the other direction. The interaction just changed my mood completely. I then could not sleep and was watching TV at 3am with my dog. She was very sweet and a little confused about why we were up but settled down eventually.

LC

Ah yeah, I'm chatting to someone at the moment on Tinder. Similar story - I was totally ready to just give up dating and live a life of social reclusion until I gave up, then started chatting and now I'm excited about doing all the things I've been putting off - writing, clarinet, planning Japan, cycling, swimming...yeah.

I almost don't want to go to my psychologist session in an hour lest my bubble gets broken, haha.

I hope your session went well. Hmm it's all pretty hard! It's funny how a small interaction can make things feel so much better. I think deep down I want to find someone nice and be in a relationship, but the girl aspect is new to me so I'm sort of gaining confidence in chatting to girls as well.

I feel reasonably safe that my psychologist will keep talking to me. One time she just let me keep talking and I realised she had stopped and it was a bit freaky but she said she was trying to work out whether I was detached or present. I've tried to hide from imagery in the past few weeks. Hopefully I can do it!

LC

The appointment was okay. I talked too much and got onto heaps of tangents but I guess a lot has happened. She reckons it's good if I keep trying to set up dates and things because it challenges my attachment style. But it's going to be tricky because she's going to be very unavailable in the next three months, so appointments will be pretty sporadic.

Yeah, coming to terms with and understanding your sexuality better is probably just another spanner in the works, but a good spanner in the long term I guess.

Haha I'm staying well clear of the imagery for now. That would be too much. Hope your session goes well too.

Hi James

We ended up not discussing relationships as much as other issues but she encouraged me to try meeting people without the huge expectations I had with the first date. Hopefully I can do that. I'm also joining a book club which should be fun. She thinks my mood is better when I do things with people. So I think I also need to work on friendships too. My circle is really too small at the moment.

Do you end up feeling exhausted after a session with your psychologist? I always need a rest after mine. Oh that's no good about availability. I know you see a GP, so they might be able to help out too and you could possibly see them in the weeks you can't see your psychologist?

LC

Ah yeah, my mood improves drastically when I'm around people too. But my psych wanted me to make sure I don't go and just expect to go from strangers to best friends in one meeting, haha.

Awesome that you're joining a book club. I was looking at some book club meet ups too, but I couldn't be bothered reading. So I just stick to my writing and board games meet ups now :)

Oh yeah I usually just want to go home and sleep/lie down and listen to music. Do you just have your assignment to work on at the moment or do you still have classes? Yeah, I suppose I could but it's not quite the same. My psych suggested I could talk to someone else in the clinic, so I'll see. But I'd hate to start again.

Yes! I have to lower expectations massively. I have just been really isolated because I got so sick. So it's really a process of getting back into life for me. I think all of your activities sound good.

I'm glad the Meetup groups have worked well for you. I'm quite excited about getting involved. I love reading so it's something I enjoy a lot.

Oh yes. The nap afterwards. I find a lot goes through my head after my psychology appointments. I pretty much always sleep after seeing my psychiatrist. Yes I've just got the assignment and then a holiday :) it will be nice to recharge before next year. I haven't got any specific plans. I'll have to see what happens.

LC

So I think I'm only now starting to process what I was talking to my psychologist about.

One of our conversations was about my impulsiveness. I feel like a little kid regulated by an adult mind, but sometimes the adult mind wanders off or lets the kid be the kid.

So at 25, I will still jump onto walls and fences and walk down the street like that, I will randomly start leaping down the footpath avoiding all cracks in the road, I will say things that shouldn't be said, start walking a la Monty Python ministry of silly walks style, just start making frog noises while sitting around, sit down on escalators...etc etc.

On the more dangerous scale, driving recklessly if there's no one around, gambling, and some other stuff.

One of the things we talked about was trying to take more control over my impulses. I didn't like the idea, and still don't, because I feel like with my lack of identity, this was the one thing I could hold on to as being me. My psych said why couldn't I keep my impulsiveness in some aspects, but not others.

I don't know. It makes sense, but it is incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like if I do that, then I just...won't be impulsive anymore.

Anyway, I thought I'd just put that out there. I don't know if any of it relates to you! haha.

Hi James

I do say things I shouldn't at times. So sometimes inappropriate without thinking before speaking about context, but I have to admit I don't really do things like jump on walls etc.

I have told my psychiatrist that I am going to drive my car really recklessly before, but I haven't actually done so because I worry that should I want to work as a lawyer that will come back to bite me! I also worry about things like tickets on public transport and parking fines!

My impulsivity mostly relates to leaving the house and then on the way home deciding to buy a clarinet after walking past a music store, going drinking by myself without planning to do so or doing something dangerous that results in me in hospital. I have managed to stop doing dangerous things that lead to hospital (touch wood). I sort of have rationalised that there is no point in doing that sort of thing anymore. I think at times I have ended up in emergency as a way of messaging my distress rather than telling my Mum I need a hug or calling my psychiatrist for a chat. I also have a bit of a vulnerability to alcohol that I get in unsafe situations after too much alcohol, but I am much better at controlling the number of drinks I have these days and haven't landed in a dangerous situation for a number of years.

I sort of get that the impulsivity is a bit of a control thing - which sort of is counterintuitive - because you know that you are predictably impulsive. I think as long as you are safe, then impulsivity is ok but if you regret the actions later then it is something you could look at addressing.

LC

Feeling really empty. :(

Hi LC,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling empty. If you'd like to talk about it, I will definitely listen (well, read) and hopefully have something helpful to say :)

Remember to use helpline numbers if you need them, and to keep in touch with family.

Best wishes,

Zeal

Hi Zeal

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed due to something that happened yesterday (which is a bit too personal/identifying to discuss on here).

I also don't want to meet up with the girl I've been chatting with on Tinder and I'm not sure how to get out of seeing her - we haven't got a specific date set up but we've been discussing meeting up.

I did end up talking to a helpline last night and they were pretty good.

LC

Hey LC,

Oh no, that sucks you're not feeling great. How are you today?

You don't feel like you two are a good match? or are you nervous?

James