Hey LC,

Hope you're okay and not sick.

Mhmm, we seem to be giving it a go, so I asked her out properly for this Sunday and she said yes. I felt like she kept dropping hints when we met on Wednesday, so I figured why not. I'm kind of nervous though...like something keeps telling me it's not going to work :(

I turned down the honours invitation. Too stressful especially if I need to move out and I've set myself a goal to find another job or something by end of next year.

Hope you feel better today compared to yesterday and the past few days.

James

Oh nice! I hope you have a fun date!

I'm feeling better now that I know that leaning forward and watching movies on my phone is not good for my neck!

I'm in canberra for the weekend to go to all the museums. My grandmother was keen to go. They have a few interesting exhibitions on - Tresures of Versailles for example.

It sounds like you have some really good plans for the coming year. I'm sure you can go back to studies in the future if you want to do so. I'm pretty sure I want to be an academic so I'm working towards that goal.

I also got a job :) content writing for a website. I can wear my pjs to work! It's flexible and after the minimum hours, I can work more if I want. It's also good from the perspective that I'll have something to fill in my spare time!

LC

Hey LC sorry I often don't go online during the weekends because I try to get out as much as possible.

Yesterday I think went well, at least on the basis of how long we spent together. I picked her up at 845 in the morning and dropped her off just after midnight, so it was a long day at the zoo, city and carols. I'm trying to be really wary of my natural attachment and just questioning everything in my head which is kind of exhausting, but maybe it'll be good in the long term to do this. But I'm not getting caught up on the words she uses etc. Just mostly questioning the attachment.

How was Canberra? Do let me know if the treasures of versailles is good. I'd love to see it and I have a friend in canberra who I've been meaning to visit.

Ah yeah, have you done an honours? It'd be worth looking at that because it gives you a good insight into academia.

CONGRATULATIONS! :D :D That's super awesome. I'd loooove to do content writing one day. That's so awesome. I'm super happy for you :)

James

It sounds like she enjoyed your company - if she didn't, she'd have left hours ahead of when she did! And at worse you had an interesting day doing pretty cool things with a nice girl.

I was chatting to a girl last night who is older and seems really nice but I discovered she had a kid, had previously been married and only just come out and this morning I started freaking out that it was all beyond me and I think as much as she seems really great, I probably can't get into a medium/long term relationship because she's just that much ahead of me in life experiences!

The exhibition was pretty good. So much opulence! No wonder the French were almost bankrupt just prior to the revolution. There is also a exhibition on a history of the world in 100 treasures from the British museum. It was interesting too.

I am thinking about doing Honours. It sounds fun. I'll probably have to if I end up heading towards academia or do a masters.

Hope you feel a bit better now.

LC

Hey LC,

I hope so. I mean, I find it kind of difficult/confusing because I always want to push the not-quite-relationship further and faster, so I have no idea what she wants and it feels like if I ask, I will just scare her off haha. Then at the same time I don't know if I've backed off too much! I'm finding it really challenging to date normally and I went against what my psych said. She wanted me to date multiple people, but I found that too hard...

Oooh it'd be so hard when you're at two completely different places in life. Would you just be able to stay as friends and catch up every now and then?

Cool. I went to the British Museum when I was in the UK :) There's an egyptian mummy one here in Sydney at the moment which looks fun.

Yeah, I think honours would be better than masters if you can jump straight into it. When do you finish uni?

James

Feeling despicable at the moment.

Girl fell off her motorcycle this morning and is checking a GP. She said she won't be able to meet up tonight, presumably because she's starting to feel sore now. I asked how she was and to take care of herself first, especially because she could be running on adrenaline.

But in the back of my mind, the fear is really starting to kick in. What if she's okay, but doesn't want to see me because she's made plans to see someone else instead? What if it's all an elaborate lie? What if she actually just wants me to go away?

I kind of hate myself for turning it all about myself when she's the one who fell off her bike. I feel like I should just tell her I can't date because of what it does to me, and she doesn't need this wreck to deal with as well.

Hi James

Sorry for the slow response.

I'm glad to hear she is ok! Sounds a bit scary. Yeah I can imagine that you would get activated in that situation. I don't like it when plans change. It makes me fear the worst and I frequently worry I've said or done something that will make someone hate me! (I know that's an extreme response). I hope you've managed to have some positive interactions with her since you posted.

i haven't spoken to the lady (she's not really a girl) since I started to freak out about her life experiences. So I'm a bit relieved.

I have another year of my undergraduate to go. And then I'm going to study some more. I am a bit terrified of working in a professional environment given how sick I got. I'm going much better but it would be difficult if I had to explain to someone why I had to take 2 weeks off for a stint in hospital. Uni is a bit more flexible I find. But that's just a sense! I hopefully won't need to go in. That's the ideal situation.

I'm quite enjoying holidays. I've got a massive pile of books to read during my break and I've been watching documentaries on YouTube too. Just keeping myself busy but relaxed too, so it's good.

Hope you are feeling a bit better about the situation with the girl.

LC

Hey lc that sounds nice. Galleries are great. I'm in Canberra at the moment and we went to the war memorial today.

Haha the bright side of your dog story is your dog must've liked the present.

the girl thing is really doing my head in. I am torn between thinking I'm overthinking everything and maybe just not reading the signs properly. But it really sends me into the real depths until I get a message then I'm okay for a bit. But pretty low at the moment.

Are you managing alright without your psychologist?

I think people are more accepting now of mental illness in the workplace. You don't have to disclose what you don't want to.

I hope you had a good Christmas

Hi James

Yes, galleries are great. There are always heaps of interesting things to see.

I quite like Canberra. It's an interesting place. The memorial is really fascinating. If you like books, particularly old books the Library has some good displays. I always like going to libraries. I'm a very bookish person.

Oh yes. Mum decided the bed was ok so we've been doing exposure therapy! So sitting her on the mat and rewarding her if she sits or lies on it and growling if she tries to play with it! She sort of gets the picture! But short bursts! It is super cute. Love that dog so much.

I have been going ok without my support but a bit up and down and had one freak out where I was worried that they might leave me or even die... I got some support which settled me down and my psychologist responded to my email which essentially asked if she was still out there which really helped to settle me the next day... I don't know about you but I tend to have my freak outs at nighttime... What about you? How are you going?

Oh it sounds like a real rollercoaster with the girl! You are doing well - as it sounds like it's a tough one. Good work.

I did have a good Christmas - family stuff is nice.

Anyway I'm exhausted. Night!

LC

Hey LC,

I will need to visit the library again some time. I really enjoyed the memorial. They did it really well. If you've ever been to the UK, the Churchill War Rooms in London are awesome too.

Haha your dog sounds amazing. I want to get a dog one day.

Yeah, I hate night times. I think I feel most alone then, so usually I try to completely exhaust myself until I physically just have to fall asleep. I was super tired yesterday when coming home from Canberra, so I had to keep stopping while driving back. I've been...I don't know. I am pretty drained. I really just want to move overseas and start again!!

Cool, I try to spend Christmas with my sister as much as possible. We are hoping to go to the fireworks again this year for NYE. I think I'm trying to build a family routine around Christmas and NYE since we never did anything when I was growing up. So we've had stuff the past couple of years which has been nice.

I want to find my hobbies again which I've just completely dropped in the past month. I'm really not doing anything useful :(

James

Sounds like a nice plan for nye. I'm aiming to have a quiet night, celebrating with my dog ;p at home!

I've been getting back into my language study, playing clarinet (which I haven't for a while) and reading books both fiction and non fiction. I'm excited about my next meet up group! Not until mid Jan.

Ive been having nightmares and waking up frozen and unable to move, as well as flashbacks. So I spoke to my dr on the phone and she's upped my night meds to help me settle and not get frightened. It's interesting because it's very much a ptsd reaction, but ordinarily I don't have many issues with it. So it's confusing.

Moving overseas would be so cool. Where would you go if you could pick anywhere? I just am not well enough to do that at the moment...

LC

Oh cool. Those are nice hobbies. I'd like to do that too. What's your meet up group focussed on? I haven't been to one in ages.

Oh that's really horrible. Have you had PTSD as well?

I would probably go to the UK. Maybe.

Ah this is one of those mornings for me where you wake up and much as you try to not think about the past, all you can think about is how much you've messed up. :( So while I'm in a terrible mood, I may as well go through my photos and delete some then transfer them onto an external hard drive.

James

I went to one at the gallery. I'm going to test out 2 bookclubs next month. Separately I've found an orchestra at my uni that accepts people without auditions so it could be an option for me to get involved in music! I went to Pilates today which was good :)

I am not sure but the symptoms are PTSD like. I'll have to ask my dr what she thinks. It also makes me think that my antipsychotic is helping to reduce the symptoms. My condition is fairly complex so I'm glad I am managed by a psychiatrist.

oh agree looking back over past decisions can be difficult! I have a tendency to dwell on the past and it impacts my mood. I think I've got better at it.

Hope you have a great New Year's Eve!

Lc

Hey LC,

I keep signing up to book clubs but not actually reading the books, haha. I don't think I've completed a book for at least 2 years now.

Sounds great about the orchestra :) I'm looking at some local community orchestras so I can also get back into it, but I need to practice my clarinet.

How was your NYE and this week? We went to the fireworks which was nice and just been cleaning the house all week.

I've been throwing out a lot of my uni stuff which makes me sad because it feels like I'm throwing away my previous hope to become an academic, even though I know I could pick it up again. I dunno. I just feel like I should keep them if I ever want to go down that route, but since I'm throwing them out...

James