Doolhof,

I was thinking that as I don’t have a concept of Satan maybe my inner critic is like tahtnfor me as it is always negative and putting me down. Maybe not as powerful and feared as Satan but destructive nevertheless.

Mrs D , I am sure younbive much pleasure and support at the home as you do here on the forum. I do t think one needs to get paid to bring joy and purpose into the lives of others.

Muisc is powerful and I sometimes forget that.

Shelley, I will look up that singer. thanks

Quirky

Hi Quirky,

Thanks for dropping by. I agree with you, we don't have to be employed to enable us to be able to give to others and feel like we are an acceptable part of society and the human race.

I think of the sacrifice so many people make in life to assist and enable others, if that be parents who stay at home, those caring for a family member or what ever the situation.

As a Christian, I do have a belief in God and in Satan. For other people, there may be times when they feel good or evil in their body, minds and spirits. It could be thoughts, emotions, a sense of some kind of force.

We all have the right to believe what we want to believe and call things as we relate to them in our own lives.

Sometimes for me the concept of what is my own thinking, what is my character, or what is explained psychologically can become a bit fuzzy.

Going back to music, yes, it can be very healing. It can evoke all kinds of thoughts and emotions.

It is lovely to attend the sing alongs at the Home for the elderly and see the residents enjoy some of the songs from their era. It makes me wonder what songs will be sung as a reminiscence when I hit 80? ABBA, ACDC, Queen, The Eagles, Meatloaf...they are just a few I can think of right now. Ha. Ha.

Hope you are doing okay Quirky. My husband is going out tomorrow night maybe I will hunt down some old CDs.

Cheers all from Dools

Hi All,

Today is the 21st anniversary of our last babies birth/death. Yesterday I bought my favourite gluten free cake and sat in a park, had a chat to our child, wished them a happy birthday and ate the cake.

I sat a while listening to the birds, wondering what it was like in heaven and thinking of all my children being there together and it brought me comfort. It was as though I could feel their love and see their smiles and knew they did not want me to be sad.

Today I am hoping some children come into the Op Shop while I am volunteering there so I can say hello to them and see their smiles.

Tonight I am going to light a candle and just let it burn...in a safe place!

Happy Birthday dear precious child!

Cheers to you all. From Dools

Hi Dools,

Happy birthday to your beautiful and special, angel child. Hold onto that feeling of love and warmth from them. You’re the best mum they could have ever had (and have)...

Love,

Pepper xoxo

Dear Mrs Dools,

I would also like to wish your precious baby a happy birthday today.

I am so glad that you felt the love from your children yesterday as you sat and thought of them together. You are right, they would not want you to feel sad and I am sure they are sending you love and light.

The way you honour and love them still keeps their spirits alive in your heart, may you feel their love this evening as you sit with the flame of your candle.

I hope you see some smiling children today and that it brings a sense of peace and love to your heart.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

🌻birdy

Hi Pepper and Birdy,

Today a friend called into the Op Shop[ with his son! My prayers were answers. The dear little boy let me cuddle him for ages and gave me hugs. It was just what my broken heart needed.

Cheers from Dools

Dear Doolsy 🤗☺ hi everyone 🖐

I too would like to join your circle of beautiful friends hugging and having a cuppa at the beach with you. How beautiful you got some comfort remembering your Angel babies 🤗

I don't have a faith but do have beliefs and certainly agree you and Shells (hey darls ☺) with your discussion about Satan. True everyone has a right to their beliefs and feelings are real.

Hun was thinking when hubbys watching sport etc on Tv maybe you could use some ear muffs for music. You can google songs and listen to them from your phone if you're connected to the internet or from a PC. Googlings the simplest way. Hope you can blast a few songs out tomoz and enjoy singing at the top of your voice if that appeals it's a great release. Sounds good the one Shells heard.

At a nursing home in NZ we use to take as many as po to the lounge and we started singing with the lovely elderly. We learnt "Daisy daisy give me your answer do" song. Quite a happy cheerful one and tried others too. We didnt know many. Pleasantly surprising some had magnificent voices and others would join in. We used to attempt dancing waltz kind of with able people. Was great. I often sing and that was how I knew some could and did. Glad you enjoyed your time, it is very uplifting isn't it bringing happiness to peoples lives.

You're a true survivor dear Doolsy and as many and I agree say you're really are an inspiration to many.

Pleasure knowing you ☺

🤗⚘that's when I give it to you, your special flower to others it is but in a different way.

See you later. Always keeping an eye on you

🗯 thoughts & 🕊peace wished.

To All who are reading,

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts and for those of you who pray, thanks if any have come my way.

The last few days have been horrendous in ways, and such a blessing as well!

Thursday I found myself sitting under a tree in a park in a crumpled up heap crying until there were no tears left, then I went to the Op Shop and my friend walked in with his son for me to cuddle. A real blessing.

The psychologist connected to the employment agency is trying hard to help me sort my issues there and my emotions as well. She told me that none of my recent medical reports have been placed on my file. I am taking her a folder full of documents on Thursday next week.

I'm not sure how much support she can offer, I will take what ever is available and hope she can make sense of what is happening as I am confused with the employment agency tactics.

Today we are attending the 21st birthday lunch then having dinner with friends here in the evening.

My sister has asked if I will go out driving and chatting with her Sunday as she is feeling lonely. We will pack a picnic and see where we end up.

Monday my husband has some errands he wants to run so I will go with him and might be able to fit in a beach walk as well! Lovely.

Life continues on. Sometimes it feels like I have little resilience left, then thankfully I bounce back again!

Wishing you all resilience and self-compassion!

Cheers from Dools

Dear Doolsy 🤗 hi everyone ☺

It breaks my heart the struggles and pain you have/had in your life.
I continue to say and mean I'm in awe of your determination stamina and the effort you put in to finding peace. It impresses me no end.

I have complete faith in you my dear with your ability of seeing positives gratitude and that your determination that's paramount to getting through your pain.

Shame it's not an overnight fix but with the right mindset it certainly can help and speeds up the process. Every small steps a win

Sounds like you have some nice outings, happy for ya Doolsy ☺ you're great company I have no doubt people enjoy their time with you and it's good on so many levels. Getting out esp sunlights proven to be good for our MH. You seem to enjoy being around people ditto. Nice ones that is 😆. A change of scenery is stimulating too.

Sounding hopeful this psych I hope can help you darlz thing is I can't fathom why you're not on a Disability support pension (DSP).
You have severe MH which many don't understand in itself can be a major disability depending on the degree.

The extreme impact it has on our ability to just make it through a day at times let alone work and be expected to function normally when we're suffering.
And your several physical health problems.

Thing is too you ARE working in a volunteer role and unpaid. This benefits many people

Anyway my dear I'm working on posts intermittently so shall see you later huns.

Take care enjoy your outs ☺ Believe my friend... beasty lies we can get have a better life.

🌱new beginnings can start at any moment 🕊

We have the tools 🛠 although buried with pain there are ways of finding and learning to use them.

Have a good every one ⚘🌱

Hi Deebi and All Reading,

It has been a busy weekend, I have enjoyed most of it and I am now exhausted! Some days me energy levels are low, so I just need to recharge again.

Tomorrow I will be back at the home for the elderly again, so will see what is happening there. When I return home I will try and sit in the sun, or at least outside and have a cuppa for half an hour then will have to start dinner.

I have a few documents, reports and forms for the lady on Thursday. Many of the documents mention my mental health issues in detail as well as my physical problems, so will see if the lady can actually have these included on my file and have them recognised.

Deebi the last psychiatrist I went to said he was actually surprised I was able to function as well as I do after his assessment. Guess we all try to just keep going the best we can!

My sister and I had a wonderful day exploring yesterday. We came across some old abandoned homes that would be beautiful if they were done up. We had a picnic lunch down near a very tiny water hole that had some frogs we could hear croaking.

As we drove around in the countryside we saw kangaroos, an emu, a wombat and a wedge tailed eagle! The sun set was amazingly beautiful as well. It was a good day. We plan to go out again next month.

The 21st birthday went well. I tried hard not to think too much about the 21st anniversary of our own child's birth/death. Just tried to be in the moment and enjoy the people who were around me.

Hope you are doing okay Deebi!

Cheers from Dools

Hey Doolsy & all ☺

Good hearing how you're going.
Sounds like a lovely time with your sister exploring.
It's a shame seeing places out of commission esp when theres a need for accommodation in so many areas. I love older houses something about the run down wooden ones they have so much character and a feeling of history to them.

In nature there's so much variety. There's very few trees I don't get a lot of pleasure looking at esp gums. I know you like them too. a
Animal lifes great and watching them go about their lives. Eagles are in a class of their own aren't they.
Then there's water flowers plants. We certainly are incredibly lucky to live on such a beautiful planet.

I wonder if you might like to write about your lovely day Doolsy in your happy journal to call back on good memories in hard times.

So glad you have your time with the elderly they are in majority beautiful people doing it hard.

Good on you keeping in the moment which would no doubt have been quite an achievement. Uncanny being a 21st the same number as your anniversary.

I find it incredible how much power the moon and Sun have such power from immensly vast distances and affect our moods and the tides.

I hope your foots easing off and that your mobilities easier. How's your heart these days?

Doolsy do you know how to take videos/pictures on your ph or if you have an Ipad or tablet. That could be a good way in the hards to bring on nice memories. Alternatively whoever you're with might be able to do that on their device and send it to yours.

Ok good lady keep on keeping on hun you really are doing so well in such hard circumstances hope you pat yourself on the back regularly.

C u later 🤗☺⚘🌱

Dools and everyone.

Just a quick hello to say I enjoy reading the uplifting comments and even the sad comments that show such courage. It really helps me to read how Mrs Dools and others are working hard to improve their lives with such honesty.

find the posts here inspiring.

Thanks to everyone.

Quirky

Dearest Mrs Dools...

I wanted to reply earlier to one of your posts but I’m sorry I just couldn’t...if it’s not too late can I also give you a very comforting and very caring hug..🤗..given from my heart..💖....

I hope your day with the beautiful elderly people went well for you..I know that they would have enjoyed your company and received some of tgat love you have in your heart...

Your weekend sounded lovely..I love that you and your sister had an enjoyable time exploring the surrounding around you...I have behind me two empty homes..although they are not abandoned, there owner come up every so often to care for the lawns..If they don’t the council rings them to do so...because of the risk of bush fires and snakes...

Picnics are fun ....I’m pleased you found a beautiful quiet place and the frogs 🐸 weebit are an added bonus....

How are you feeling precious friend?....I really do hope your feeling better then okay....

You have a beautiful time with your sister planned next month...that’s something that you can look forward to with lots of positives...

I have been listening to your posts along with your beautiful friends here who talk and encourage you with so much love and care....they always gives me inspiration to try harder then I do...

I rang my cranky neighbour last week to check on my fur babies..she told me that theirs a few eagles hanging around..she said she shooed one off my electricity box!!..around me is lots of small swallows and sparrows...I hope in a way they are still their when I get home tomorrow.Ive only every seen one and they are a magnificent bird..🦅...

Im wishing and praying that your healing journey starts to get a lot easier for you dear friend....

Sending you some love and warm hugs Mrs Dools....💜🤗.and too everyone else here as well...

Grandy..

Hi Deebi, Quirky, Grandy and all Reading,

Deebi I know what you mean about houses being empty when so many people need a home. These houses we were looking at are old stone buildings maybe from the late 1800s or early 1900s that would need many thousands of dollars spent on them to make them habitable. Some have had their roofs removed.

I do take photos on my mobile phone and occasionally have some printed off. I try to record my happier days in my journal.

Quirky thanks for dropping in and for the encouraging comments.

Grandy thanks for your lovely comments too Grandy. Hope the eagles are still there when you return home.

To All yesterday was not a good day. I'm having some issues with physical health and finding it tiring trying to make an appointment to see a gut specialist. One Dr refused to make the referral for me!

My ankle didn't enjoy all the adventures I had with my sister, so next time I will wear my walking boots and put my brace on.

My mind was taking me to some dark places yesterday so I mindlessly watched some T.V. I didn't get out to the groups I normally attend, so will try to do so next week.

Today I am taking all my medical forms to the psychologist attached to the employment agency and will see if she can get them put on my file seeing as the staff have not done so since 2017!

Yesterday I wondered why I keep on trying! It would be so easy to just give up and do nothing! I feel like I keep getting kicked in the head by people who are supposed to be there to help me.

They are only a part of my life though aren't they! That is what I have to remind myself! I will see a different Dr and keep seeing Drs until one will write me a referral.

ARRRGH! I have deleted more negativeness here. Time to get on with my day and prepare for my appointment.

Cheers all from a mixed up Dools who can hopefully head in a positive direction for some of this day!

Cheers.

Dear Doolsy hi and to everyone ☺

You have so much stacked against you hun.
One of the many things I really like about you is you continue to seek positives. While they're in your mind beasty has no voice temporarily.

Wow! Did the doc say why no referral?
We know our bodies and they tell us if somethings not working. Good plan to keep seeing them until you get someone that will look into it thoroughly.
Maybe an option could be to land in hospital. Maybe tell them whats going on after they check you out.

No probs at all letting your negatives out Doolsy thats what here's about. Many people care about you and want to know so we can be here for you.

I get your frustration hun really I do. Try hard not to entertain giving up dear friend. When as you'd well know we start thinking in that way our minds go with it.

Somewhere sometime you'll get the help you need but if you give up then you won't have a chance of a better life and not let these cursing demons win!

Shame the foot complained. Hope the boot and brace avoid grief.

The houses sound amazing so much history there. If they're not heritage same though it'd be big $ to pull down and rebuild.

How lovely sounds like you have a good relationship with your sister. Good of you being there when she needed you.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low Doolsy how bout a get together at your place with your lovelies here for a cuppa and then we could all do a virtual trip to the beach. Nothing like good company & friends that get it. The sound of the waves seagulls drift wood beauty and a nice dose of healing sunlight soaking our skins putting light in our days. Being virtual the water will be to our individual likings and free us all of pain with it's healing magic.

🤝💗🌞💧🌈

Plenty of 🤗 care and love Doolsy 🌱⚘

Hi Deebi.

Escaping to the beach, preferably one on the other side of the world sounds like a great plan right now!

My mind feels like it is going to explode.

The lady today whom I saw at the employment place said she has been asked to prove I can do the aged care placement. I was under the impression from what she originally said that she was going to listen to my side of the story and consider all the medical reports I have tried to submit to the organisation.

Came home and found out my husband has decided to change my psychologist and has booked me in for a cancelled appointment when I am supposed to be attending volunteer training next week.

I appreciate his help, but how can I be in two places at once? I missed the training last time so don't think they will be happy if I miss it again.

My tired brain can't take much more.

Dools

Ahh Doolsy 🤗 hi everyone 👋☺

Not fair you're having such a constant run of little or pfftt help. It was sounding for a short while there things were looking up lets hope it does again

I do feel for you and hear you feeling that your heads going to explode. Breathe Doolsy ..deep and often.

I wonder if there's someone higher up in the chain that you can talk to, to work on your behalf. This may not be the people that might be able to help but recently it was a dead end for me but the man was SO kind and went out of his way to give me further info. He was an advocate for mental Health. Generally what they do is step in, say if someones unfairly being kicked out etc of housing and other stuff. You've certainly been through the mill Doolsy

Ok my opinion and as I say to people you're call what you choose to do with this. I think as much as the timings not good your MH is the priority at the moment (atm).
It's a royal pain going over our stories but a positive can be with someone new is different approaches also with any luck that you're well overdue for they might be able to put the employment agency straight at least. Could have some info the previous one hasnt had.

Doolsy dear lady I really do sympathise with your frustrating battles. Please keep putting one foot in front of the other hun. You deserve a chance at peace and perseverance is needed. It's really poor form but believe in yourself Doolsy ..we certainly do. All the effort you've put in would be a complete waste of time if you give up.

Got a good comedy or magazine you could flick through look at the pictures might spark some good memories you so need a break from beasty.

I've lately been feeling similar Doolsy that I can't take much more but you know when we think that way the more we feel it. I have as I hope you can find too reserves in us. I've started trying to turn the negative energy to work for us not against.

If anyone can see their way through this absolute rot Doolsy I really do believe it's you.

Please hold on and believe that eventually a better change will happen. Surely

Always with you lovely lady. Love and care. Sending strength and light in this 🤗

⚘🕊🌱

Thanks Deebi,

I really don't feel all that safe right now.

Part of me wants to see if the Dr will put me back into hospital.

Part of me hates that plan.

My husband will be very disappointed if that is what I end up doing.

Guess I will just clean the house, cut down dead branches and find ways to try and stay sane.

I'm just about over this Deebi . I know these thoughts aren't helpful. They just won't choof off right now.

Dools

Hi Dools,

I can tell you’re struggling (very much), and I feel sad and worried that you’re feeling unsafe. But I also admire how upfront and self aware about how you’re really feeling..

I realise that you obviously care about your husband and that you don’t want to disappoint him. I know that’s a very real concern of yours, and I think you have a very beautiful and big heart to think of others despite your own struggles...

That being said though, I feel if it comes down to it, your safety comes first. I don’t know if you’re at that point yet, but I feel if you believe hospital will help then I think that should understandably take priority over what your husband will/won’t think about it...he’s important, yes, but so are you...

How was doing the gardening? Did you find that helpful?

Kindness and care,

Pepper xoxo

Dear Doolsy hi everyone ☺

Ahh Doolsy it's such hard going isn't it.
A beautiful gentle reply from Peppy.
Darls I wanted to reply earlier but couldn't though have been thinking a lot about you. Poor lady being so low. My heart goes out to you.

I think it's a good idea to listen to the part of you that's looking out for you hun especially as Peps pointed out good on you being self aware feeling not safe is a good reason let alone feeling so low.
It does get too much at times and these are the times I think our best move is to prioritise in this case yourself.

Hubby for possibly a number of reasons gets upset. I'd say one out of worry and love Doolsy. He doesnt want you feeling this way and wants you well as you do too of course.
Maybe it could help seeing this as a temporary aid with your MH.

I understand, at least have a clue or two why you don't want hospital. Wondering if it might ease your mind darl if you explore the why nots and weigh up keeping in mind this is a chance to get help you need. You're safety's paramount hun 💗

With what you're up against and I only know part of your journey you do as the psychiatrist said very well under the circumstances.

Listening to your helpful survival inner voice shows you still have reserves but as you know they're running low.

Your many friends here care very deeply about you Doolsy we want you to be safe and where you can have optimal care.

Hold in there huns we're with you every step 🤝

Love and much care 🤗as many hugs as you need for as long as you like ⚘🌿🍃

Dearest Mrs Dools🤗..

I am deeply sorry that your not feeling safe..Please precious friend don’t hesitate to go to the hospital if you need to...You are important and need to feel safe...I hate hospitals but they do help and provide a safe place with care for you until your feeling able to cope again....Please sweet lady..speak to your gp..asap.

Awe dear lady I’m sure your husband wants you to be safe..you won’t disappoint him if your looking after yourself I’m sure of that...I can hear in your last few posts how down you are and it concerns me you don’t feel safe..please try hard as you can and do what’s needed to do to start feeling safe again...if that’s hospital..then please do it...

I’m sorry if I sound pushy..that’s not me at all..but out of concern and knowing full well what’s it’s like to feel unsafe I’m really concerned about you...

Im sorry I’m not much support at the moment..it’s just that I’m finding the transition back home a bit hard..

Never loose hope Mrs Dools..it’s inside us all...I’m giving you some of mine if I can... as well as some prayers for your wellness....

Please look after you sweet friend and take all the care you have for others and use it or yourself...

Love precious friend and caring hugs..

Grandy..

Dear Doolsy 🤗

I know how it feels to be so low that you don't think you can go 1 step further.

You can Doolsy you have to believe you can. I know your minds telling you that you can't but you can.

Please don't give up on yourself.

You've been here before and you've made it through and you can again.

It's so bloody hard but it's there it's in you.

Too many people love and really care about you. Please pull up with everything you have.

Tell yourself you're NOT going to suffer anymore!

You've had enough of this crap!

Turn the pain around Doolsy I know you can. You do have the strength

Please

Love Deebi ⚘💗🗯

Hey Deebi,

I don't have the strength right now.

I give up.

Hi Dools,

I’m very worried. I understand you’re hurting. You’re heard and cared about here. Very much so...

I know you mentioned how you were considering hospital before. Do you think that is perhaps where you might need to be?

I’m very concerned. Thinking of you xoxo

Hello Mrs Dools,

Iiam as well as Deebi and Peppy very worried about you..please can you go to the hospital? Where you will be cared for until you feel stronger......

we all love and care you dear precious friend..please try honey..💜..

Love and hugs..🤗💜

Grandy

Dear dear Doolsy 🤗 feel strength in this hug and love from the vast amount of people here and real life that love deeply care and need you.

I've repeatedly lived wicked pain that gets us to this point. It needs release hun.

Our strength comes with energy. It's still there.
Depressions drawing on it.
We can draw on that with belief and determination in thought

Tell yourself Doolsy.. yell.. scream..be very firm.. pull that power up saying ..
" I don't want to feel like this. I can and will get on top"

The depression's stopping your fight, give it a mouthful!

You've worked way way too hard in your life to give up my now my friend.

If you do the horrific pain that how many times you've risen above.. all you've achieved.. the strength you've gained whether you realise or not.. it IS still there

You're still standing...
That'd all be for nothing.
No way.. that's not you Doolsy.

There's a reason you're a survivor
Trust in your God darlin ask him to help you

You know one of the main reasons you're still here dear lady. It comes from your will to not let it take you.

I know you can't feel any hope atm because you're so incredibly overwhelmed and hurting so badly. My heart goes out to you 🤗

Breathe darlin deep & gentle ...let the pain go in exhaling.

Focus on the tension in your neck and body let it relax... often..feel the softening.. breathe again a few times

This intensity will lessen in time, that helps me in this torture which I've pulled up enough to get through. You can too hun. Backing ourselves makes it a lot easier

Darlz I've had a taste of what can be..
Trust me but moreso yourself is important
I truly believe most of us can have that.

Most people have known happy times...seriously that's just a touch of what can be unleashed

Worth It.. Oh My Goodness Doolsy believe me it's beyond what we thinks possible

What if I'm right...

Sending love power and care dear lady. Please listen to your voice of survival. You're being guided where you can get the help you need

We're with you every step 🤝 united we stand strong ⚘💗🗯

Hi dear Grandy, Deebi and Pepper,

Thank you so very much for your love, care and concern. I really appreciate it and know what you are writing is true in regards to getting through this.

I just feel like I have had too many kicks in the head lately and my resistance is low. My BPD has escalated dealing with the employment people. It has escalated unhelpful emotions and my stress levels.

I need to find ways to believe again that I can deal with this.

Going to our local hospital is a desperate choice for me, so I am surprised my husband doesn't realise just how bad I am feeling at present.

Some of the staff there yell at me, the kitchen lady thinks I can eat food with a little bit of gluten in it and doesn't seem to realise Coeliac disease means no gluten at all.

Part of me must be desperate even considering go there!

Ladies, I will be okay. I will get through this. Somehow.

My husband has mates staying here this weekend.

I have an appointment to see my Dr on Thursday.

Just want to let you know I will be okay. Just feeling horrid.

Cheers from Dools

Doolsy ☺

You're such a good soul, thank you so much for saying you'll be ok.

You certainly have had some kicks lately including severe emotional times 🤗

Yes I can see good reasons why hospital there's not somewhere you want to be you poor love.

Hun I'm guessing your absolutely exhausted which as you'd know escalates our stress and pain.

I wish there was an easy answer to give you hope and reason.

This won't be any good for now Dools you have too much going on but when you're feeling up to it I wonder if an email to somewhere higher up I'm sorry I don't know who but someone might know to get someone helping you with this employment debacle. As mentioned why you're not on DSP is beyond me.

I was thinking this morning even if it's too hard to concentrate which I imagine it would be a look through your positive journal and maybe an entry into the negative one could help for release

I'm so sorry dear Doolsy for your incredible pain.

Hun do you think you could tell hubby what you said here that even thinking of hospital etc how bad you're feeling.

Huge hugs dear friend

You really are an amazing lady.

Love and many thoughts ⚘🌱

Hey Deebi,

Thanks. Life is a bit of a daze right now. My husband had friends here overnight last night.

I left home at 7.00 a.m. when everyone was still asleep.

Thought of doing some harmful stuff but went to a 24 hour place for coffee instead then walked around aimlessly in a park before Church.

My husband has gone out with his mates. I am cleaning up and doing all the washing.

Might try to get out into the garden. The sun is shining.

My head is really screwed up Deebi. Guess it will get better!

Cheers from Dools

Doolsy darl and everyone ☺

I'm glad you posted you're in my thoughts. I didnt know whether to post in case you felt obliged to reply then I thought that could be a good thing too.

Hear you about your head being so svcrewed up hun 🤗 It's so hard being at this point. I assume for you it gets better between times well I really hope so, though I know you have a lot to deal with between extremes times.

I feel sad that hubbies gone out with his mates when you're in such a hard place. I remember not that long ago you opened up to how bad you felt and he was quite compassionate and tried to understand which is hard with his mh I've heard but he still loves you.

I don't know and thats up to you Doolsy how your general relationship is but I'm assuming hopefully right the loves there. You're doing not alone because you have us but you so need support from the person you live with. Wondering have you spoken at all to your sister you seem close maybe she could be there for you too.

What worries me is lovey that you're considering harming yourself. Well done you chose an alternative, not saying this at all to scare you but next thought you might find it harder to resist and from there you're going to be worse darlz.

The cook at your local hospital isnt doing her job properly maybe a word to a nice nurse saying you have to be careful etc cause of the celiac. That way the message might get through without direct confrontation which is the last thing you need atm.

Hun if I was in your situation you'd recommend hospital for me? You need self care hun this is too big to be trying to handle alone. So much going on and as you said being kicked too often. It builds hurts and eats at us doesn't it.

I can guess but out of 10 being the worst where are you Doolsy love. Want to see you give yourself the best chance you can at getting back on top. I fear you'll go down further dear friend.

Can you have a good long chat to your GP darl. If you tell them it at reception you can't wait.

Good let the sun fill you with energy and enjoy your garden hun. Was thinking of Grandys grounding last night for you maybe getting some dirt feel it run through your fingers. Look shoes off feel the grass.

You are strong enough lovely Dools and it's ok to get help 🤗

You're an amazing great lady 🍃⚘🌱