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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling desperate to make this stop

Topic: Feeling desperate to make this stop

  1. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    14 May 2019
    Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?
    1 person found this helpful
  2. HelpfulP
    HelpfulP avatar
    3 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99
    Hi Lilly99, well we all go through some rough patches, mine I was living overseas at the time feeling really lost cold and broke, but like that say it too shall pass, but you need to know by just being here you are needed and wanted, You have intrinsic value and bring something special to the world just by being here. This might be a bit hard to understand but the thoughts you are having aren't really your thoughts most people feel similar from time to time, so you aren't really alone. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what we have rather than want we haven't so I give gratitude every day for what I have and just let go of the things I don't. I hope that helps. Chin Up...
  3. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to HelpfulP

    Hi , thank you for your reply , but I never think of what I don’t have . I just need this pain to stop . Selfish I know because I have a family but I can’t keep going feeling like this , I used to think I will get better some day but the reality is it’s never going to happen . I need to be at peace

  4. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly99

    Welcome to the BB forums and for reaching out here. I am sorry to hear about your struggles with depression and anxiety. I just want to give you hope that people do recover and get better.

    I have bipolar type I and was in and out of hospital on a regular basis until they found medications that suited me and kept me stable. I have experienced extreme depression and severe anxiety so know how distressing that can be.

    Another thing that has kept me well is having a really good GP who understands my illness and who can refer me to mental health services if required.

    I don’t know what age group you are in but people up to age 25 have access to Headspace which is a really good service (just google it). This is an Australia wide service.

    Hope this is of some help and remember you are truly not alone. There is help out there you just need to find what suits your needs.

    Take care of yourself

    Jojo

  5. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Thank you for your reply Jojo. I have had help by my gp and a lot of other people . I think I have just had enough. This has been going on for years . I just can’t take it anymore . I am sick of feeling sad and anxious every day , I really can’t make it through another day feeling like this .
  6. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly99

    I hear your pain and desperation, please don’t give up on yourself. There were times when the only thing that kept me here was my little dog. That’s her in the picture. She literally saved my life. You mentioned you have a family they need you more than you know.

    Please continue to reach out and talk to someone today such as BB phone line or life line on 13 11 14 or the Samaritans on 1800 198 313. There is help out there don’t give up or be alone with all this. You are worth it.

    Take care

    Jojo

    2 people found this helpful
  7. newlife19
    newlife19 avatar
    7 posts
    14 May 2019

    Lilly99, you’ve been here before.

    its agonising. It absolutely completely sucks. It is the biggest burden.

    nobody would wish it on their worst enemy.

    it robs you of everything, you’re right.

    But- hold on.

    just for tonight, tonight is not the night and tomorrow is not the day.

    its far too cold for your family to be outside running place to place dealing with police and making funeral arrangements.

    let them stay warm for the next few days...

    can you please do that?

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to newlife19
    Thank you for your reply. It’s just hard to calm down and think rationally at the moment when I feel this bad . All I want is my mind to be at peace . Sorry I know everyone on this site feels the same . I feel selfish talking about myself . I really am a waste of space . I detest this person I have become so much . I have lost myself and become this pathetic self absorbed needy person . So embarrassing
    1 person found this helpful
  9. newlife19
    newlife19 avatar
    7 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Absolutely not.

    im here right now with you feeling the same way...

  10. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to newlife19

    Sorry I know you are struggling as well or you wouldn’t be on this site. I am so selfish .

    I just don’t think I can make it through tonight . I don’t want to make it through tonight . Tomorrow will just be the same . The sun coming up to a day I don’t want to face , I wish you well with your struggles and hope you can overcome them .

  11. newlife19
    newlife19 avatar
    7 posts
    14 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    The depression is so cruel at making us feel useless...

    but what if tomorrow the world was without you ? Just think about the fall out... you would be so very missed.

    you are here for a reason.

  12. newlife19
    newlife19 avatar
    7 posts
    15 May 2019

    Lilly99,

    how are you doing?

  13. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly99

    You are in my thoughts and I hope you are safe. How are things today? Keep reaching out here if you are able. There is hope for you and you deserve to get the help & support you need.

    Take care and be kind to yourself because you are worth it.

    Best wishes

    Jojo

  14. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to newlife19

    Hi newlife and Jojo,

    I am sorry you have felt you have needed to check up on me . Really I am not worth the effort . I am still feeling really bad but made it through the night somehow .

    I am a worthless person so you don’t have to worry about me . I don’t know how to keep going . I really hate myself . I hate who I am, what I have become . I honestly see myself as a joke . Really wonder why I am here . I am really not worth your kindness. I even hate what I have done going on this site making people worry about me. Really how pathetic. Thank you for you help and advice . I just think maybe I have asked for help too late.

  15. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly99

    I am so glad to hear you made it through the night even though it must have been very difficult. The negative thoughts you are having is just the depression talking, telling you lies. You are not worthless or a joke and it is never too late to get help.

    Whatever kept you going last night that is a strength you need to hold on to and use to get you through moment by moment. You are stronger than you think.

    Could you please try phone counselling such as at BB which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. Don’t ever stop reaching out until you find the support that you so desperately need.

    You deserve to be heard and to get better - it is possible. I have been there and once I found suitable support for my needs and medication that worked for me my life began to turn around.

    Stay safe. All the best

    Jojo

  16. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    15 May 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Jojo I have tried phone supports . I actually think I there isn’t anything I haven’t tried . I think there comes a point when you think enough is enough.

    Its great you were able to get the help and recover . I just think it’s not possible for me. Honestly I feel like there isn’t any hope . It’s hard to explain . I have given up . Is it really worth fighting for ? It’s just going to be ongoing emotional pain that’s relentless .

  17. Nahmate830
    Nahmate830 avatar
    47 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly,

    you don,t need to tell us about it at all,its not our business and no matter what it is wont change our desire to support you, but do you yourself know what event or events in your life caused this pain inside you? have you spoken to anyone about it, are you still speaking to anyone about it?

    you aren't worthless and telling yourself that you are doesn't make it so.

    I am experiencing a lot of the same feelings that you are talking about and have a similar self image to what you do, but its out of line with what other people would tell you about me and I'm sure if i were to ask those that know you about you that their views of you would totally contradict what you are saying about yourself.

    During a dark patch I went through a number of years ago there was a lady that I used to see at the train station, and each morning she would flash me a friendly smile and I would smile back, and she will never know just how much I valued that smile and how much it meant to me, and for all you know you are that person in someone else's life, someone who will never know how important they are but for whom without you their day would remain dark and smile free.

    I urge you to seek further medical help, a review on any medications you are taking and to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about what you are feeling. i would also ask that you please try challenge your self talk and when you find yourself mentally going down a dark road to stop and try create a new narrative where you recognise all that is good in you and how you are worthy of a life filled with love and happiness.

    take care

    NM

  18. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly99

    Yes you are worth fighting for. You are fighting for your life and you need support. This is a battle, but please let people in, let people help you. It all feels too much at times, but you have shown you are strong. It is not a weakness to ask for help.

    I had a lot of help when I came out of hospital by community mental health services. They made all the difference to me. Sometimes I didn’t feel they were helping, but I kept engaging with them anyway until I was well enough to be discharged.

    I think something like that could really help you too at this time. I know you have said you have tried everything, but surely it would be better than trying to cope with everything all by yourself?

    Community mental health services here run social groups too such as art and walking/coffee clubs which gets you out and about too so it’s not all medical focused. This was a great distraction for me and I made some new friends too so I didn’t feel so alone.

    Please keep trying. This time things might be very different from your previous experiences. You can do it. Give yourself another chance to reach out.

    Best wishes

    Jojo

  19. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Nahmate830

    Hi Nahmate and Jojo ,

    i have seen a community mental health nurse for a couple of years but not anymore . I have tried a lot of different medication , I have seen psychologists . I saw my psychiatrist only a week ago who said he will see me in 6 weeks. Really 6 weeks ? Does he not know how serious I am about how I am feeling. I can’t make it through another day . My doctor I see every couple of weeks. I am not going back to see her . What’s the point . The thing is i go for help and after a half and hour appointment I walk out to face the world I don’t want to be in. That’s why I am not going back to see anyone for help . I just can’t anymore.

    I felt like my last resort was going into hospital for 4 weeks hoping tms would work. But it didn’t . It just made me more hopeless .

    Thank you for telling me all your positive experiences . I know there are good people out there. Like all of you. I really appreciate all your kind words . But you don’t know me and like I said I am not worth it.

    There are things I can’t live and think about anymore . I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like something has died inside me. I can’t let people in to help because I am not sure i care anymore what happens . I feel like I am self destructing in a way because I want the mind to stop . The pain stop. I need to feel calm , peace .

    Thank you again for caring . I wish everyone who is on this site good wishes . And please don’t feel like you have to respond.

    Lilly

  20. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Dear Lilly

    I am responding because I care about you and am worried you are falling through the cracks in the mental health system. If I were you I would phone up the clinic explaining why you can’t wait six weeks for another appointment - just like you have been sharing here. Or go back to your GP and have her ring on your behalf. You deserve to be seen much sooner considering how you are feeling.

    It sounds like you have some things from the past weighing you down. Which is why it would be worth finding someone you can trust to ease your burden and get off your chest.

    When I went to a psychologist I found it hard to open up face to face. I ended up writing down what was bothering me as I needed to get things out. I took this to my appointment which really helped and meant we were able to get to the bottom of my problems. It was such a relief to discover that certain things were not my fault and I was able to let go and move on.

    This is what I wish for you the peace of knowing you did the best you could. As always take care & stay safe xox

    Jojo

  21. YellowPoppy
    YellowPoppy avatar
    108 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99
    Hi Lilly,

    I have been following along and I felt like there was nothing I could offer you but I can't not say something.

    I feel like I've known you for years, Like we're old friends.
    I am going to be posting on this thread everyday to check in with you.
    I'm not a professional but I still care.

    The people responding to you want to help, they want you to keep fighting. We all care.

    You think no one will care if youre not here anymore, but I can promise you I WILL CARE.

    I know youre struggling, I know you dont see a point to it anymore. But please, stay strong, keep posting. Please.

    I am sending you you as much love and strength and compassion as I can muster.

    YP
  22. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi Jojo ,

    Thank you so much . You are so caring .

    i don’t think there is any point seeing anyone . Really what can anyone do.

    I think no one can save me from myself. I have secrets from the past that I will take to my grave.

    Not even sure that’s really the problem. I just don’t want to be around anymore. I think it’s a accumulation of a lot of things. I feel overwhelmed like I can’t breath. It’s like I have no more to give .

    I can’t live with thinking anymore it’s too painful. Like I said something died in me a long time ago .

    Lilly

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5921 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99
    Hi Lilly99,

    Thanks for posting this evening. We're glad you feel safe to share with our community so they can support you. We're commenting to let you know that we've asked our Support Service to reach out via email to provide you some extra support. Please reply, so they can help you find the support you need.

    When you feel up to it, keep posting to let us know how you're feeling and how the community can support you.
    2 people found this helpful
  24. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    16 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly

    There is always a point in seeing someone. One time I met with a mh worker and felt so lousy I couldn’t even speak, but it was still a comfort having her there willing to listen. We all need people to lighten the load and know that they believe in us even when we can’t think of a single positive thing about ourself.

    I am sorry you have to hold onto secrets from the past - that is unfortunate and totally up to you. However there are many services that could help you with this if you ever change your mind.

    You matter to me and to others on this forum so please stay in touch.

    Jojo

  25. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    17 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly

    I am still here and wondering how you are today? I noticed the BB moderator contacted you by email. I hope that was helpful? Their input might be just what you needed?

    Please keep us posted if and when you feel able. You are in my thoughts.

    Stay safe xox

    Jojo

  26. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    18 May 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi Jojo ,

    I don’t know what to say . I feel extremely overwhelmed . I feel like I am drowning . I don’t think I could get any worse .

    How do I except help when I have given up? How can I even ask for help when I know it’s not going to help ? It’s just going to be ongoing torture

    I feel so bad . Honestly I can’t take this anymore .

    Lilly

  27. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    18 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Hi Lilly

    Just wanted to say hello and hope you are okay. How are things today? You don’t need to answer, but I want you to know I am here and willing to listen.

    Wishing you well. Stay safe & strong xox

    Jojo

  28. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    18 May 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi Jojo ,

    Thank you for caring .

    I cant live feeling like this anymore .

    This is out of control

    Lilly

    Lilly

  29. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    18 May 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    I really need to make this stop . This isn’t living feeling like this every day .

    No one should have to live like this .

    I am not sure what’s worse . The depression that make me hopeless or the anxiety that makes me desperate .

    Far out I am a joke

    Lilly

  30. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    18 May 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Dear Lilly you are definitely not a joke. You are hurting and your depression & anxiety are not under control. It’s hard to think logically when things get to this stage. You need help from someone who you trust and who is able to look at things from a different perspective.

    Please try and see your GP again -make a double appointment so you can discuss everything you are going through. Let her help you. There are options, there is hope. Let someone help you with your burden. You don’t have to do it all by yourself.

    Don’t let your illness win. Once you get a handle on it things will turn around. It just takes time to figure out what suits your particular needs.

    I care about you and wish you the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other day by day.

    Best wishes xox

    Jojo

    1 person found this helpful

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