Dear Rosie the Riveter / Handy Andie / Elizabeth~

Have you considered as a temporary measure mucking around with the lighting in that room, perhaps something like a spot with a tint in it? Not a good or long term solution but easy, might do something to take the pressure off.

Croix

Lighting wouldn't work. I have filled the hole Maybe not professionally but it is hidden behind furniture & now it is sealed properly. Took longer than I wanted due to interruptions & fatigue. Yesterday I finished all the prep & one coat of undercoat. Today I did a second undercoat so it looks better. I overdid it yesterday. Today I went out to a carers function which gave me a break. Unfortunately had to rush home so my husband could get some scans as he's unwell. I didn't feel like painting afterwards but wanted to get it over with. Tonight I tried to relax & I am going away on FRiday for a week providing my husband is well enough. He sees the GP tomorrow to find out results. Tomorrow will be just packing & catching up with mundane chores. I will try to take it easy.The rest of the painting can wait a couple of weeks.

Well I did get away. My husband went back to the GP on Thursday to get results of tests which confirmed that he was well enough to travel. The more serious concerns the GP had were ruled out. The holiday was good except my DIL ringing as well arrived back reprting that my son is sick & she is going away for 2 weeks so expects me to watch out for him & the kids. The issues regarding him I am discussing in a different thread because it is about my role as carer. In this thread I'm sticking to how Im coping.

Babysitting on Saturday for my daughter worry about my son & then having my son & grandkids around all day today have left me feeling very flat & unmotivated & tired. I need to paint my lounge but now have to fit it around visits with my son & his kids which is adding to my stress. I am struggling to find ways to break up tasks to make it more manageable

I wrote a post but my intenet crashed so it was lost. I'm struggling with competing demands from projects I need to finish. assisting my son while his wife is away & he has been MI so there was a risk of him needing to go to hospital & therefore unable to care for his kids so I needed to help to reduce his stress. Plus my husband has had appointments which have left me feeling guilty because I'm not supervising his exercises & other things he needs help with as much as he needs. I feel stretched in too many directions which is leaving me exhausted & overwhelmed & at risk of crashing. I feel like it is requiring so much effort to motivate myself to do things. I should be cooking tea now but I feel too lazy. I need to learn to switch off so I can have a proper break. It sounds easy but it isn't. Worry about my son is causing a lot of stress. I feel alone with people just checking on me to make sure I'm doing what I should for others eg my son but I'm supposed to just keep going myself. I don't count Sorry I'm just feeling negative & even things I normally lime are a chore at the moment

Hiya ElizabethCP

Sounds like life is hectic for you atm. So much to do. Any cause that you can think off for your negative feelings or why the chores you like doing aren't worth the effort?

What techniques do you use to 'switch off'? Do you need some ideas? Anyone out there who can help?

Kind regards

PamelaR

Tiredness is a big factor in leading me to go downhill. Lack of time means I'm unable to do the things which help such as walking which in turn leads me into poorer eating habits.Eating badly & not exercising makes me feel like a failure but then I'm too tired & today is too hot to go for a walk so it ends up with a downward spiral. Worry about my son doesn't help. It brings up bad memories from the past when he was very unwell & high risk of self harm. I really need more ideas on what to do to help him. It is different to the past when he was living at home but now he has a wife & children & his wife brings out the worst in him. I was hoping for more ideas in the thread I wrote under the carers group of threads.

Guilt & worry are causing my mind to go into overdrive so even reading or watching TV are not enough to block them out.

Hiya Elizabeth CP.

Ahh, tiredness, not good for one's mental health. Need sleep, good food and exercise. However, when I'm down, that's the last thing I want to do. I'm like you, don't eat properly, don't exercise. I remember someone on one of the posts saying - you've got to push through that. It's hard, but I'm going to try.

You seem to feel responsible for your son. Not being a mother, I'm not sure if I can provide anything useful to you. I do wonder though, when does a mother start to let go and let their children make their own life and not feel guilt and worry? You also have your own life to lead and perhaps should set some goals for yourself? Maybe one of the goals could be to lessen your worry and guilt? It's hard I imagine to do that. Have a think about the underlying reasons for this worry and guilt? You could set up a list of 'what do I achieve by worry and guilt' and 'what do I achieve if I don't worry and don't feel guilt'. Challenge your thinking, look for options for yourself.

Dear Elizabeth~

causing my mind to go into overdrive so even reading or watching TV are not enough

OK, I know the feeling well and find that sitting watching/reading and so on is often not enough to break the hamster-wheel (or merry-go-round if you prefer) of the mind. My alternatives are anything involving moment and exercise, even if I'm physically tired and can't do that much. I think it is something about the body getting involved. Just going outside the house and around can help.

Talking to someone interesting can help too. Mind you I suppose planning on single-handedly replacing all the house foundations might be a bit of a distraction:)

Croix

Hello Elizabeth,

I'm sorry your having such a hard time..Yes children, once a mum always a mum, regardless of how old our children get we are always worrying about them.. I will try and find your new thread, not sure if I can be of any help but I'll try to support you there as well.

Have you tried to play, solitaire or Marjong before bed, something brain stimulating..

Kind thoughts

Grandy

Croix I will NOT try replacing the house foundations. It is too hard. Never want to do that again. A previous house was built by crook builder so we actually had to get our sons under the house with screwdriver & hammer to dig away the dirt to put in new stumps. There was only enough room to lie down so normal tools were useless. The builder 'Forgot to put stumps under load bearing walls. After long court case builder was banned from going near the property as he repeatedly did things to make things worse on purpose!!!! Not a good time. While doing things requiring concentration & /or physical activity is often helpful & distracting me & can make me feel like I'm in control once I overdo it it has the opposite effect so the moment I sit down I am too exhausted to do anything & my mind goes into overdrive.

Thanks Pam, I struggle knowing how much support to provide for my son but this time I was left with little option. DIL going on holiday & psych teams wanting to hospitalise my son which meant grandkids taken by DHS. I have always supported all my children when needed but find it much harder with this son because of the DIL. I have in the past remained more distant to his kids compared to the rest.

Guilt & worry have been an issue since I was burnt out leaving me feeling guilty for not helping more. To cope I have tried to make it up to my parents & others by doing what I can to help & feel useful. Being bullied at school also played a big part in affecting my self esteem. As my husbands health deteriorated I have needed to do things which I have never felt competent to do which has added to the worry. I set goals but things seem to go wrong making them hard to achieve.

Thank you Karen for your kind words & suppport

Hi Elizabeth,

Feeling like you are being stretched and over extended can certainly exhaust a person. I would just like to congratulate you for all that you are able to achieve!

Sometimes when my mind is totally frazzled I will try and do a Sudoku puzzle. My brain can not think on all those negatives rattling around in my head and the puzzle at the same time.

Gardening helps me as well, though it does still allow the mind to roam around where ever it likes. When I have a sense of achieving something I feel better about myself.

Is there a little something you can do that will provide a sense of morale boosting when it is completed? Doesn't have to be a big thing at all. Sometimes doing the dishes can be a huge achievement.

Sounds like a walk is a bit of a struggle, what about a dance around the kitchen table while no one is looking? Grab a couple of scarves and think of belly dancing for an Egyptian Prince.

Hope you find some distractions that help you and also replenish you too!

Cheers from Dools

Awwww Elizabeth you are having a hard time of it atm.

It kind of fits together doesn't it, your worry about how much you can do for your family and what you could do during the fire.

If I remember correctly, your mum was in control and made you stay inside. Again, before we discuss this, I really hope you talk with your therapist about all this because, my thoughts are just that thoughts! So -

• your mum wanted to do the best by you. Which is generally the role of mums. In the instance of the fire - I wouldn't have hesitated to make sure of your safety. That would have been paramount. The guilt you have for that is common - you were not in the centre of things with others who were experiencing all that trauma. But you did experience trauma. Watching what was happening, not being able to help. You've done your 'share' of caring and traumatising. Have a think about addressing your guilt about this incident with your therapist? Find out what you can do to move on from this incident and let it go?

• of course you want to be the best mother. You have visions of how your mother saved you and what I see is you trying to save your son and his children in the same way. The circumstances are different though. He is older, he has his own life, wife and circumstances. That is the huge difference. You were a child when the fire happened. He is an adult. Again, this is a major thing you ought to think about discussing with your therapist.

Hope I've helped in some way Elizabeth.

Thanks Dools & Pam,

I think that I have been really overdoing things so when I stop I have no energy to do anything. Today my son came with the grandkids. They decided to go to a nearby playground after lunch but I was so exhausted I stayed home just sending my husband with him. I tried reading & doing a suduko but was too tired to concentrate.

Pam My memory of my mum at the time of the fire is her making sensible decisions often on the spur of the moment to manage the situation. At the time I was so convinced I was going to die I did nothing except responding to very specific demands by my mum. I never expected to be able to fight the fire but I do feel guilty that I didn't collect photos & other keepsakes to carry out of the fire. The other huge issue is the comparison between my mother's calm logical way of dealing with a very stressful situation with no experience & my reactions in stressful situations since I've been an adult. I believe that I would put everyone in danger so this makes me feel like a failure.

I feel bad that I can't look forward to spending time with my son & his family in the way I do with the rest of the family. I invite his family to family activities but tend to hope that his wife won't come

Dear Dools

Awww, you are feeling like you are not as good as your mum. IMO that is a tall order!! People are so different and have many different skills, experience and abilities. While you mum was able to make quick decisions in a stressful situation, to me means this is her strength. No everyone can respond to emergency situations in the same way, i.e. making quick decisions. I know that from my own experience when there was an disaster in the building I worked in and where I was responsible for the facility. The feedback I received was not what I would have liked. But, I learnt from that experience.

From your experience as a child and seeing what you perceived as your 'mother's' logical way of handling things' was just that. Your perception as a child. It also related to something very 'physical/environmental'. You seem to be trying to compare your experience as a mother providing your son and family with support in the same way. However, this is based on relationships and social issues - not physical and/or environmental. So to me you may be trying to compare apples with oranges.

My view is you are hard on yourself and need to be kind to yourself. You may never have a good relationship with your DIL. And that is okay! There is no 'rule' that says you must have a good relationship. What is important is that your provide the love, kindness and caring to your family. It doesn't mean you have to accept their behaviour.

Hope I've helped you is some way Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth~

You have set yourself impossible standards. How a child looks at a parent, how a member of the public looks at a firefighter, all one sees is the outside. They do not see the fear or doubts or indecision, only the end result, and what they see is highly colored by their ideas.

You obeyed your mum, that was your task, not running around pick up things to save. You did right, it is that simple. You will never be in the exact same position she was, for a start she did not have the legacy of the fire in her mind as you have throughout your life.

As PamelaR says, different people have different strengths, you know yours, they are as necessary as any your mother ever had.

DILs can be a real problem and you are coping. There is no good solution with a person like that. I'm sure your son appreciates the lengths you go to.

Throughout all your posts I've come to regard you as a very capable person.

Croix (who is getting far too serious:)

Sorry Dools and Elizabeth for any confusion I may have caused.

Had a bit of oldtimers. My post above Croix's was incorrectly addressed to Dools.

Baaahh.

Kindness to you all. (Croix included :) )

Hi PamelaR, And All,

No need to apologise, simple enough to do Pamela.

One thing my psychologist is trying to teach me is to not be so self judgemental and critical.

Not an easy thing for me to do or to try and change. I keep reminding myself often that I can control my thoughts and actions to a certain degree.

Letting go of my own thoughts and beliefs about my inadequacies will go a long way. Each of us can only be the person we are and work on being better at being ME.

We can admire qualities in others, and then consider our own strengths and work on those. We can not be someone else.

The morale of this post, I am ME and you are You and we are all special in our own way! Warts and all.

Cheers from Dools

Thank you Mrs Dools. I know what you mean about 'self critical'. Part of my ongoing battle with PTSD (I'm realising from Sara's and Amanda's post that I have C-PTSD although it has never been talked about in those terms).

Hi Elizabeth. Just wondering how you are today? Have things settled? The news reporting about the fire is awful, so I can't even imagine how you feeling.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Thanks Croix, Dools & Pamela,

I read your posts and appreciated them. I am unsure how to reply. I have found it difficult having so many reports on the radio re bushfires stirring things up. Today I had to see my GP to get a new referral. I've changed GPs so hadn;t told her before about my MH issues. I found it difficult having to explain what has happened in a short visit. It just stirred things up.

It is easy to to say I should be less self critical but not so easy after doing this for so long.

Hello Elizabeth

I know what you mean about trying to explain something complex in 10 minutes. I often try to book a 20 minute session when I want to talk about my MH issues. Not sure if you have the ability to do that or if you get charged too much.

It's never easy to make changes and takes time. Changes won't happen over night or even a month. It is a long and involved process. Overtime, you will find the views of yourself will improve. Be kind to yourself for starters. That's a beginning. Make a plan for yourself perhaps to achieve something simple by the end of the year. For example, I will no longer get annoyed with myself for not putting out the rubbish at the right time. Start simple and as you achieve something, increase the challenge.

Hi Everyone,

Tonight I took it easy on myself instead of beating myself up over a mistake.

I told my husband I would cook the vegetables for dinner while he cooked the meat. A bit later on their was a terrible smell coming from the steaming vegetables and supposedly boiling vegetables! I had forgotten to put water in the saucepan!

I'm telling you, smoking potatoes and steamed vegies above cinder are not very pleasant at all.

Tonight we had meat with frozen peas zapped in the microwave. The vegies ended up out in the garden! At least they will help to fertilise the soil!

I was a little disappointed at my mistake but didn't have a meltdown over it! Progress!!

A few deep breathes and acceptance that mistakes happen saved the day! As did the frozen peas! Ha. Ha.

Cheers all from Dools

I'm glad you were able to accept your mistake & knowing you you will be soon sharing funny stories about it to make everyone laugh.Good on you Dools.

Hi everyone

So good Dools!! I've done that so many times. Easy to do.

Also Elizabeth - good to see you laugh!

I still struggle to accept my MH issues. It is OK to discuss them with my psychiatrist & psychologist because they understand & are trying to help but I don't like talking about it with others. I prefer to just stick to the physical health issues with my GP.

Part of the problem is some very bad experiences when my son became MI several years ago. The treatment made things worse instead of better & the more he saw psych etc the more entrenched the illness became. Some of the treatment was shocking. The medication triggered psychosis which is ongoing as well as the side effects such as weight gain tiredness etc making it harder for him to get back on track. ECT has attected his memory. At one point he was sent to a country hospital away from everyone he knew & then when discharged was told he could only have follow up if he moved to another country town away from his family. He decided to come home & went off all meds because 'if they weren't providing support he must be well enough to need no treatment' This led to a very scary period as he battled with severe depression made worse by the effects of suddenly stopping meds. Eventually he got through it with my support & without the side effects from the meds managed to gradually start working. Unfortunately his marriage has led to further MH problems & it is difficult for me to support him when his wife undermines everything.

I guess I am afraid of being labeled like my son was and forced to take medications which make me worse. I try to pretend to the world that I am fine.

Hello Elizabeth,

I also keep my MH from everyone, The only people who know about it is here on the forums, my Dr, Psych, I did tell one of my children but this has since changed our relationship, I think that he couldn't accept it and now doesn't know how to talk to me, I think he is afraid of saying /doing the wrong thing, My other two children I haven't told and don't think I will. Work is hard to hide it from the workers but I think they kind of know because I have melted down at work on a few occasions. I suppose I have to accept it but I feel no one else needs to know.

Your son went through a lot of therapy, treatment but it didn't work, I'm pleased you had the insight to help him heal. It's a shame that his wife can't sit down with you and discuss ways of helping your son. Which I feel is important.

I really hope your son continues to listen to your suggestions and continues to heal.

Kind thought,

Karen..../Grandy.

Hello Elizabeth (wave to Grandy)

Yeah, I know what you mean about not talking to others about your MH problems. I don't really, only on a need to know basis, e.g. if I've had a meltdown or in a panic. I need to explain my behaviour. Of course, I'm always selective who I disclose to. So it is hard and I do understand how you are both reluctant to not discuss your MI with others.

So sorry to hear about your son Elizabeth. You sound a very strong person to support him while you yourself are not feeling the best. It must be very hard for you at times to do this. Have you spoken with your psych about your concerns for being labelled and your fear of being made to take medication you don't want?

Sending you virtual hugs Elizabeth.

PamelaR

Dear Elizabeth~

As you can see you are not alone in keeping things way from MH issues with your GP. I too am the same. Due to GP 'turnover' the current one is most competent but was not around when I first became ill. I leave my MH matters strictly to my psychiatrist. My GP is aware of this and for me it is a good arrangement.

Over time I've formed the impression you are a strong and able person and think that being labelled and forced to take medication or be admitted is simply not an issue. You are in control and quite capable of dealing with medical professionals in such a manner the problem never arises.

I'm sorry you are saddled with your DIL, a very difficult situation, frustrating and worrying. Having to hold yourself back for your son's sake must be particularly hard.

Croix

Thank you Croix & Pamela. My psych has accepted that I don't want to take medications because of the side effects. There are times when the stress I'm under combined with tiredness tips me over into a state were I'm really worried about breaking down completely. I can't afford to let that happen but I'm not always effective at managing.

I am worried about what to do to help my son now his wife is back. We have a family camp for Easter & last year a number of family members became upset re my DIL's attitude & treatment of my son. People are still complaining about her which makes it hard for me to cope

Hiya Elizabeth (wave to Croix)

Would love to see you both pop into this week's event under the Social threads - put in weetbix in the search bar.

Ohhhhh Elizabeth what is it that make people think that mother's are so responsible for everything? Your son's and DIL relationship are ultimately their business? Do you agree? I know he has MI, but for me that oughtn't disempower him. Making mistakes, doing wrong are part of life. People putting the DIL's behaviour on to you, for me, isn't right. For me, you are neither responsible for her behaviour as you are not for your son's.

This weekend will be difficult for you. The solution would be - to not go! Let them work it out. Do something to make you feel happy and content. Be kind to yourself. Being honest to yourself is so important.

Please pop into the party. Would be lovely to see you Elizabeth.

Hello Croix, I also know about not giving all details to the GP. Actually my GP doesn't question to far. I'm so lucky, we just go through the process of answering the questions, then he makes a referral to my psychologist. We always talk about any physical ailments that need addressing. But mostly my are my mind.

Also, would like to see you at the party to Croix.

I know the party is a bit out there. However, I think people on the forums do need to get out of themselves - to have some fun and to try to forget their issues. I see it may seem silly for some, however, it helps a lot too for some of us.

Kind regards

PamelaR