Elizabeth,

I am just catching up on your posts. I drop in from time to time to see how you are going..

I hoe wring here helps you with your full life.

I love wales and there is a great book shop on the border of river Wye.

Looking back in time to find a good memory for me is very difficult as I tend to get bogged down in sad one or Impickmfault with the good ones. for a moment in time, the sweet smell of mangoes , oozing it’s juice down my arm .

I do admire how you cope with all your responsibilities .

Quirky

Hello Elizabeth

I understand you have a ton on your plate. You have been doing everything you possibly can with utilizing the help from a good GP. I was only trying to provide a small 'way out' which you are more than aware of. You spoke about "how much time you have to yourself...say every day"...you mentioned that when you are doing something you enjoy you can feel really overloaded afterwards which does defeat the purpose for sure

I am not being rude Elizabeth....just a basic question if I may....May I ask if your husband is understanding where your health is concerned? (please ignore the question if inappropriate) Just having a hay fever attack...ugh

my kindest thoughts always

Paul

Thankyou Paul, Quirky & Dools for your caring words. It helps hearing from you all & knowing you care even if you can't actually help.

Paul My husband is quite supportive re my health & doesn't want to put undue pressure on me. Unfortunately sometimes his attempts to avoid stressing me can be counterproductive. He will avoid telling me things to stop me worrying but this leads to more stress later & difficulty knowing what is really going on.

Quirky I'm glad it is not just me that has trouble finding a suitable happy memory. I don't think I manage my responsibilities well.

My psych appointment last Tuesday was cancelled as he was ill so I have ages before I can get help to deal with the issues I'm currently facing. I had a very busy Monday & Tuesday trying to catch up with things that were needed & 3 tradesmen turned up on Mon & Tuesday. I'd been trying to arrange for them to come for ages. It was great to get the work done although there is still follow up to complete. It was hectic trying to juggle so many arriving on top of each other & I had to try & prioritize tasks & explain what was needed. We visited a friend who is struggling for a few days. This was going well until Friday when we found out her husband had gone to hospital overnight. The rest of the time with my friend was stressful trying to help her contact family & give her support to cope. I had to babysit Friday night & Saturday morning for my daughter. I needed a break in the afternoon but then realised how little time I have to get ready for my family coming Christmas eve. I tried to write a list to plan what still needs doing but gave up as I was stressing too much. Then my husband started asking about another project that needs doing in the garden. It was a good idea but I have too many urgent jobs on my listo already My husband tells me I need to take a brake & stop stressing but then he asks me to do more things. On Monday he wanted to plant seeds himself. What he forgets is that I had to prepare the ground first to get out all the weeds. There were already plants where but weeds had grown since he last attempted to plant seeds. He can't see which are plants or weeds. I need to get the seeds out for him & then mark with wood exactly where to plant.. Once they are planted I need to weed, water & look after the plants. I feel mean stopping him but I;m feeling overwhelmed already coping with the garden. I have planted things he wanted & are struggling to keep up with them.

Dear Elizabeth~

You said I know I sound like a broken record complaining & not helping myself enough

Well the circumstances that make things so difficult for you have not changed - except possibly to get even more stressful, so it is not surprising you respond as you do, don't give it other thought.

You also said in relation to relaxing memories I am still trying to find that one which will consistently work for me

Well that's a pretty good step. One thing I found is the very best memory for me (the clifftop and the waves) is a simple moment in time, it does not mention who else might have been there, what happened next or anything at all. Just the moment itself, and the physical sensations that were there at the time.

Any memory can lead down a track to other events, some not good. I think for me it is the fact it is a frozen moment in time that avoids this pitfall.

Does that make any sort of sense?

Croix

Thanks Croix. Your post made sense I just have to learn to put it into practice.

My latest dilemma was being asked to babysit tomorrow. My preparations for Christmas were derailed by needing to babysit Friday night & Saturday morning leaving me badly needing a break yesterday. My kids are coming tomorrow for our Christmas get together & I will need to rush around preparing, clearing the house & garden shopping & cooking to get ready. I don't cope preparing things while others are around I stress & worry about what people are thinking. I also feel like I'm missing out if others are off talking. This feeds into my negative self esteem. To avoid this I try to have as much done ads possible before anyone arrives & have everything in order so I can cope. Trying to get ready while babysitting will be really hard so I'm likely to not be ready & feel stressed when everyone arrives. If I could see an alternative I would decline but the only alternative is for there other grandparents to babysit but that will mean my son will be very late getting to the get together after picking him up even if the other grandparents could help. The child care centre they've been using has closed down which is why this problem arises.

My husband says he will look after the kids. He suggested things he could do to entertain them. Unfortunately his ideas are unrealistic given my husbands condition & recent history. I wish I could switch off & stop stressing about it because that is not helping.

Dear Elizabeth~

Those immortal words "Oi! give us a hand" will prevent others just talking and ignoring you slaving away (also gives them a chance to admire your command of the English language). If you are cunning you will have deliberately left jobs to be done, washing up the cooking utensils is always a favorite, as is mixing and carving, not to mention setting the table. While this is going on you wander around refreshing people's glasses and being the perfect hostess.

With your husband looking after the kids, realistic plans or not there really is only one golden rule, count the number of children at the start, and again at the end, if the numbers match then all is well. Finishing up with less -or more- tends to be frowned on. I suppose you better count husbands too.

I've forgotten the ages of the kids in question, however I've been surprised at the mature allowances kids have made for those that are impaired, so perhaps they will help your husband entertain them.

Hang in there, you are amazingly capable

Croix

Thanks Croix, Your ideas of being the perfect hostess are like a dream to me. It is like telling a person who is afraid of flying to just get in a plane & not worry. Once people are around I get flustered & anxious. I find it very difficult to designate jobs in that situation. My attempt to be as organised as possible before others arrive is not an attempt to be superwoman but my attempt to cope with my anxieties!!!! Even when people try to help I struggle.

My son took one son to work so I was left with the 4 yr old. He is better on his own. I managed OK. My husband didn't do much to help. His ideas included going for walks except it was way too hot & he needed me to provide drinks & food etc so he could manage which would just give me more work. Another son turned up early before lunch. He provided lunch but that meant more mess to clean & reorganising things. The food turned out well. The kids had fun except for a few dramas. 7 kids under 8 tends to do that. My house is a disaster. Attempts were made to clear up & most of the dishes were washed or put in the dishwasher. I need to gather the energy to finish clearing up. It is impossible to clean up with the kids all here.

I gave my grandkids each a book for Christmas which they all loved. Tomorrow I'm going to my brothers so I don't have to do too much. Just wish the weather would cool down.

Dear Elizabeth~

My mention of the perfect host and all were my attempts to amuse you and make you smile. I know in real life it is not like that for you.

From what you said you survived and things actually sound as if they went a bit better than you expected, I hope that's so.

If your grand kids like books they are on the right path, so many fixate on tablets or similar and spurn print. I hope your visit to your norther's is enjoyable and not too hot

Happy Christmas

Croix

Thanks Croix,

Entertaining others is extremely challenging for me. I cope with immediate family but even DILs & SILs I feel like I won't measure up to their standards. I avoid inviting people outside the family round because I feel so worried about what they will think. In the pst extended family & others have declined invitations which has just confirmed my negative perceptions. This impacts on my ability to make friends as they probably think I'm too mean to invite them to a meal. At least my kids accept me despite my failures.

My grandkids have inquiring minds so they enjoy learning about different things so the books will be good as they were all non fiction but presented in interesting ways. Most questions & you lifted the flap to find the answer including writing & pictures.

I found out today my oldest son had taken his sons 4 &7 to help his cousin demolish walls in his house prior to major work to repair fire damage. My son insisted on helping with his kids because he remembers helping us demolish walls as being a highlight of his childhood. He didn't want his sons to miss out. My son is an electronics engineer & his children enjoy using technology but I am pleased to see them encouraged & enjoying a wide range of indoor & outdoor pursuits.

Dear Elizabeth~

Well, you are not alone in having difficulties entertaining. I guess I've always found a social occasion harder than one where there is a specific purpose, such as a working bee.

I've no idea if electronic screens will replace books in the future, though I suspect books will have their place. I do think your grand kids are lucky to be able to utilize both sorts.

In a very minor way there's a parallel difference between my offspring and I. I can enjoy a black and white old TV program or movie, in the old fashioned almost square picture - and mono sound. The offspring has to have all digital colour wide screen and at least stereo for enjoyment -so limiting.

I'm sure knocking down walls is fun (though picking up the mess after is another thing)

Croix

Hi Elizabeth and All,

It seems my new medication is allowing me to have a sense of motivation and meaningfulness, only it is too darn hot to be doing anything much outside unless it is early in the morning. I have not felt like this for most of the year so it is good!

I could clean out some cupboards maybe! We are very fortunate and have air conditioning.

Hope you are able to find motivation to do something Elizabeth, even if it is just sitting quietly thinking of your blessings, colouring a picture or reading.

Cheers to you from Dools

I saw my psych today. I'm really struggling with the heat. This has multiple impacts. In hot weather I'm cooped up inside with the blinds down to keep the heat out. Spending so much time in semi darkness really affects me. I feel like I'm wasting time waiting for the summer to pass so I can live again. My psych suggested going to the mountains where it is cooler but last time I did this bushfires broke out nearby forcing us to return home to safety. I'm not good at the beach in hot weather. I can only go as it goes dark. As I said to my psych I want to run away & leave Australia but my family is here. I have been asked to plan one regular activity each week to do on my own (as a break from my caring role) which gets me out of the house & into a cool environment. I'm considering going to a genealogy library to do some family history. I need some other ideas if that doesn't work out. There a lot of other things I need to be doing but I'm struggling to find time. For example I need to spend more time helping my husband with his physio as he seems to be going downhill but it is hard as so many of the exercised are dangerous to do after he has eaten so we have to wait several hours by which time other things come up. I feel like a failure. My psych tried to reassure me that I'm doing my best but this isn't enough. Both our quality of life will be affected if I don't do more to help him.

Sorry I needed to vent. I realise others have more serious issues but I'm not coping

Dear Elizabeht~

I think the suggestion of getting out and concentrating on something else is a realy excellent one. Genealogy is an absorbing pastime and unearths all sorts of unexpected facts (hopefully nice ones:). Many libraries, at least in my state, hold classes on the subject to enable you to use their resources better.

Actually any sort of getting away is good, even such a pedestrian thing as going to the movies.

I really hope this works out

Croix

I had a meltdown today after finding out I'm expected to babysit Tuesday with forecast of 35. Trying to keep 2 kids entertained inside at that temperature horrifies me & I don't know what else to do. Then found out Thursday & Fri both very high 30's with low mid 20s. I need to escape totally as I can't cope with the idea of driving in the heat for only 2-3 hrs & then back. I feel like I'can't live in the summer. The short bursts of decent weather are so overshadowed by the heat.Sorry I'm feeling really negative & unable to motivate myself

Hello Elizabeth,

Im sorry you had a meltdown this morning, I hope your feeling somewhat better now..

When my kids were little and the day was hot, we had no air conditioner and the house was so hot...I used to run a cool bath for then and give then a water pistol each, some bath toys a bubble maker and a couple of face washers each....They loved it and played for hours laughing and staying cool, I used to also stay in the bathroom and sit down on a cushion on the floor with some music playing and watch them having fun, sometimes I would read a book or do games on my phone....Just a little suggestion that may help keep them cool and you entertained and distracted from your triggers.....

Dont be sorry about feeling negative, that’s what here is for..Do you have airconditing for the hot days?..

Grandy

Today has been a disaster. It was very hot & I was expected to babysit. We did get to the park for a bit before it heated up too much but most of the time they were stuck inside which meant my house ended up a disaster. While making lunch I discovered water in the cupboard. I had to empty 2 double cupboards to find so much hot water leaking from a pipe it steam was condensing on the underside of the drainboard & dripping into the next cupboard. I'm now left with stuff on every kitchen bench until I get the plumber to check the pipes & the cupboard dries. The plumber wouldn't answer, I couldn't work out how to turn off the hot water. My son helped when he arrived to pick up his kids but that was after hours of water running. My floor is water damaged as well as the cupboards. I was already struggling before this happened but have been unable to cope since. I feel useless & out of control. I can't face dealing with the mess. I hate living in a mess.

Hi Elizabeth,

Sorry to read your day was such a disaster. I wouldn't know where to turn the water off in this place either. Well, actually the main "tap" is actually 1/2 a kilometre away at the metre. We are on subdivided land so all the mains water is connected quite some distance away.

Anyway, back to you. I hope the cupboards dry out quickly and you are able to manage with the mess.

Have you thought to call your insurance company if you have one? They may be able to help with repairs and costs.

I too have the house shut up for the summer and I dislike it. A friend said she used to burn lots of candles in summer to make the place feel brighter. I try to get outside early before it heats up.

Recently I was thinking of air conditioned places I could go where I can look out a window at something interesting.

Sorry to read life is getting a bit too much for you Elizabeth. Can you tell your family you need a week off from looking after the children just to regain your sense of peace and calm?

Hope you find some solutions.

Thinking of you from Dools.

Thanks Dools, My son managed to fix the leak when he picked up the kids. The plumber came this morning to double check & he said my son did a good job. The inside of the cupboards are now dry but spent ages trying to get the kickboards off & it is really wet underneath. The water has travelled both under & over the underlay under the floating floor. I have rang the insurance company but I'm unsure if it will be worth claiming by the time I pay the excess & loss of no claims bonus. I have the cupboard contents sitting on the bench & table & to fix the floor I'll need to empty more cupboards to be able to shift end of cupboards to remove the floor. I have no idea how far the water has spread under the flooring.

My DIL hasn't access to childcare ATM meaning I feel bad refusing to help. They will start kinder & school soon which will help.

Tomorrow I'm visiting a friend near the beach for a few days to escape the extreme heat forecast here. Unforunately will return to a messy disorganised house .

Dear Elizabeth~

I had to set someone up who needed phone functionality but the instrument was too small. I ended up using an IPad Mini linked to an iPhone. That gave a very much larger screen area and allowed the functionality of the iPhone on the iPad, including phone calls and texts.

Not the cheapest solution as these facilities only became available on the more recent models, but has worked in that particular circumstances for over a year now.

Voice activation has always been a hassle.

Croix

Unfortunately my husband has no sight so larger screen wouldn't make much difference. O imagine someone with poor vision a large screen would allow them to have very large font

Hi Elizabeth,

Wish I had a friend I could stay with who lives close to a beach! I hope you and your husband are able to escape the heat and enjoy some days away from home and the usual routine. I guess, some of the routine has to follow you so you can care for your husband.

Yesterday it reached just over 47 degrees here and the air conditioner decided it was too hot to work! Apparently there is some kind of mechanism in the ceiling that shuts off when it is too hot.

My husband called the company who installed the air conditioner and the guy answering the phone just laughed at my husband and said something like "Yer mate. It is too hot for it to work. Try it again once the sun goes down!"

The inside temperature almost reached 40 degrees. Yuck. Roll on winter. We used wet towels and fans. I will be even more thankful when the air conditioner does work in future!

Cheers from Dools

Dear Elizabeth~

With the iPad it is not some much visibility as more real estate. A larger screen means less precision is needed with each touch, and with such facilities as voice-over one gets feedback as to what one is doing (including typing) finger by finger.

Nothing is perfect, plus it does require learning new skills and a little dexterity, however it can bring a little more independence. There are user-groups for the vision impaired using Apple products.

I'm mentioning this simply as a possibility, it may be entirely unsuitable however I though you ought to know such things do exist - my apologies if you have looked into this already. A phone with raised keys, even with less functionality, may well be the way to go.

I'm glad your visit with your friend was ok and that even if conditions tended to trigger you she was able to help.

I'm sure you will sort the water aftermath, you are very capable.

Croix

Croiux