Dear Elizabeth~

Trying to get grand-kids to sit still is more of an art than I have, perhaps a forma story time when they are tired?

I'm surprised you can'y get video to your daughter, do you want to?

it only takes a tablet or smartphone at either end, and even if the picture is not perfect it makes a surprising difference. Up until recently I just used to phone freinds, now I'm starting to use video, and pick up all sorts of things I wold not have otherwise, as an example if someone looks tired I cut things short, if sad maybe joke (which knowing my jokes only makes them look sadder:)

Croix

Because of the age range a formal story time probably wouldn't work. It is different listening to a story on Grandma's knee than over a device. My daughter sent me some cute photos of her boys with their Easterbaskets full of eggs. My sister in law made Easter baskets for both hers & my grandkids to use on our Easter hunt. We all camp together. We are finding it very strange not being together. My kids can't remember not spending Easter on camp with my brother's family. Some of their favourite memories are from camp. For example my niece still talks about getting lost with my daughter eventually arriving back long after dark. We had sent out groups in all directions looking for them.

I am uncomfortable getting my photo taken. I feel ugly!! I am uncomfortable using video when talking because seeing my face in the corner of the screen makes me cringe. I only use video to speak to the grandkids but even that I'm not comfortable.

I saw my son and his kids today. We went for a walk. My son rang me first to tell me where he was going so I could just happen to walk to the same area. We did stick to the rules and stay physically apart but needed to remind the 5 year old that I couldn't play chasey as I wasn't allowed close enough to touch him.

Dear Elizabeth~

I can understand how you feel, though I suspect it is unjustified. From other people's point of view seeing you as well as hearing you would be a big plus, there is so much more in a video.

May suggest you simply mask over the part of the screen where your image appears on your own computer/tablet/smartphone, so that the camera still picks your image up and sends it off, but you do not have that constant reminder? Just be careful as some screens are sensitive and sticky tape or similar might not be a good idea, a loose cover might be best.

This is two-way communication and you might be surprised as to how much pleasure your words and moving image causes others.

Croix

Sorry I just prefer to talk without video. I spoke to my daughter in the UK today. The situation over there seems really bad. It is hard knowing she is stuck there no work & knowing the situation is out of control. She is a health professional so she knows what is happening in the NHS.

Dear Elizabeth~

Actually I'd suspect she might be better of without a job, seeing she is a health professional. The news reports about the NHS and it's task are alarming. It's good you can talk with her, does she have a family over there?

Croix

Thanks Croix, My daughter shares a house with 2 other people. One works from home and uses the lounge for that so my daughter has to spend most of the time in her room to avoid interrupting her. Our son lives with his family a couple of hours away so she can't see him. At least he can work from home & has a wife & children to spend time with.

I feel really down today. I have things I need to do urgently but struggling with motivation. I seem to be coming down with a cold, sneezing a bit and headaches. Stress & being restricted in where I can walk has probably reduced my immunity. Don't know how I could catch a cold though!!! Feelings of hopelessness are overwhelming. My husband had a severe attack of reflux resulting in coughing up the drink he'd recently had. He tried to get to the kitchen sink but left a trail behind him which needed clearing up.He's now resting trying to recover. He was very apologetic but it is not his fault it is his condition but now there is no chance of getting anything done to help until the pandemic is over if he survives that long!!!

I am still very up & down. Yesterday was my granddaughters birthday. My son arranged a zoom meeting to sing happy birthday. While seeing & everyone was nice it reminded me of what I'm missing. My husband can't see the video & the kids don't say much & when they do it becomes disjointed so he got nothing from the experience. Normally he can sense people around him and individual kids will do things with him. I'm not good in group settings so I felt disconnected from my family. I had my video on so they knew we were there but I gave up trying to participate. Seeing my grandkids & being unable to do anything with them left me feeling useless & hopeless. I struggled to sleep last night because these negative feelings of hopelessness escalated once I had nothing else to distract my mind.

Hello Elizabeth...🤗..

Please dear Elizabeth, you are not helpless nor useless...You/ everyone has no control over what we are asked to do..Isolation from our loved ones..it’s very hard..I have began looking at it as it’s keeping my loved ones safe by keeping away from them...If I went to visit them and I unknowingly am caring the virus or picked it up from something I touched on my way their, I know I can sanitise my hands..but not my clothes, hair etc...I would never forgive myself if I passed it on to them....So I am being useful and helpful by staying away to protect them....When this is over..and it will be one day..I will be able to hold my sons, dil, grandchildren in my arms and not let go for a while because we done the right thing as hard as it to to stay away and they and us are all safe and survivors of this virus...Please try to think about it this way...then you will feel just how helpful and useful you are in protecting them the best you can....

I don’t know how to look at the person I’m phoning..I hear their voice only..I’m not technically good enough on how to do that....Even though you couldn’t physically reach through the screen and hug them with your arms..you certainly did it with your heart...

I missed my granddaughters 21st 2 weeks ago...which I really wanted to go down to visit her...I saw pictures on fb..that she sent me...she looks happy, healthy and full of life...It was so lovely to see her and the rest of my grand babies.....and my son and dil...

Please stay safe lovely Elizabeth...This will pass...then all that saved up love and hugs can be given in person to your beautiful family...

My care, love and hugs dear Elizabeth..🦋💜🤗..

Grandy..

Thank you Grandy. You are a lovely thoughtful person

I am struggling. I thought I was improving with the easing of restrictions & seeing family members.

Minor problems trigger intense reactions. My husband fell in the bathroom one night which is unusual for him. It was frightening. Even after he was clearly uninjured the fear of repeat episodes. He tripped & fell on a walk on Saturday. Over the last few weeks he's been choking & coughing a lot after eating. This has been stressful. I am tired most of the time.

Hi Elizabeth,

Sorry to read you are struggling so much and your husband has had some unsettling and troublesome experiences. It must be a difficult time for you both. I can read how frustrated you are by this and acknowledge how it is making you feel.

It can be really frustrating when you feel like you are finally getting ahead in life and then you feel like you are going backwards again instead of forwards.

This is something I have been familiar with lately. I have been trying to encourage myself to believe there is still hope in amongst all the stuff that feels so wrong and horrible.

Wishing you some glimmer of hope as well Elizabeth.

Kind regards form Dools

Thanks Dools for your caring words. My psych tries to give me helpful suggestions. He is good & really understands me. I know what he recommends is helpful but between sessions things get in the way & I can't seem to follow through. This leaves me feeling guilty for not doing as I should.

Hi Elizabeth,

I find there are some days where it is just too darn hard to put any of those helpful suggestions and strategies in place.

Maybe you can have a think about those things, accept that you weren't able to implement them when you wanted to and give them more consideration the next day.

The more I tell myself I should have done this or that, the worse I feel when I haven't achieved those goals and the less likely I am to even try to do anything as it all feels like I am failure.

I had my day planned yesterday, house work, clean up my study, find all my self help notes and re-do my safety plan. I went for a long walk first to psych myself up for all of that.

Came home and my husband asked me to drive him to the city so he could do some errands then he had organised for us to visit a friend who has recently come out of hospital. Nice things, but not in my plans.

This morning I am trying to refocus and hope to achieve some of what I wanted to do yesterday. I may have to push myself and I might cope okay with that. If not then I guess I will try again on Friday.

Is pushing ourselves to the point of causing distress worth it? I don't know anymore.

Not much help to you today Elizabeth! My mind is too fuddled. Cheers from Dools

I haven't written on this thread for a while. I have used the corona virus threads because they seemed to fit my problems/issues but the problem is much bigger than the pandemic.

I have been having increasing thoughts about no longer wanting to live which is sapping any motivation to do anything.

Guilt is overwhelming.I feel like I'm not doing enough to help my husband. I'm not doing things my psych recommends because it all seems pointless.

I normally am goal orientated so being unable to aceive anything is increasing my anxiety & depression

I feel guilty if I try to visit my daughter even thoug my psych has recommended it because it is against the restrictions

I'm venting sorry

Hey Elizabeth, thanks for continuing to reach out here. We're so sorry to hear that you're experiencing more frequent suicidal thoughts, is this something you have spoken about to your psychologist? We acknowledge how difficult your situation is and how draining the feeling of not doing enough for your husband would be. From our perspective, it sounds like you're very caring and supportive of your partner. Please know that we are here to support you if needed. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

Hi Elizabeth

you are spot on as our own mental health (well being) is more important than Covid. If its okay, can I ask what you find pointless about your psychs suggestions? Just so I can do my best to help out

Venting is vital....I do the same...please dont apologise

kindest always....Paul

Oh Elizabeth, I really don't know what to say to you except I am hearing you and I care about you so much.

Shelley xx

Sorry Paul & Shell I'm not able to explain things properly.

The suggestions my psych has made make sense but the restrictions are making them difficult to follow.

The real issue is I feel life isn't worth living so doing anything to help myself seems pointless. I don't know how to change my thinking.

Things I'm supposed to do

Breathing techniques. When I'm really bad I can't use them.Although I've suffered from anxiety for some time I've never experienced the extreme reactions to minor things & sometimes nothing. Yesterday just getting breakfast for my husband & myself left me so stressed I couldn't cope.

I have been advised to go to a place on my own to just escape. It needs to be somewhere away from other people so parking beside the road doesn't work. The place I identified as suitable is about 7 km from home. Even though I have a letter emailed to me by my psych to give permission the guilt I feel driving there is really bad. Once I'm there it is helpful but I'm struggling to get back there.

My psych also recommended me visiting my daughter to get a complete break from home & my caring role & stresses. Once again the guilt of 'breaking' the lockdown makes it hard to do. I also need to explain to my daughter why I'm coming because I can't just visit to socialise.

Another problem is that I have a number of things I need help with including a fence which blew down last week in a storm, leaking gutters (They leak on my decking over outdoor furniture which I can't move) so I need a plumber & my back security door lock has jammed so I had to remove it from the hinges to get out the door. Without being able to get tradesmen to help due to the restrictions means I feel useless as I can't fix anything. There are a few other things I need help with. This is making me feel really useless & even less motivated

I get told to focus on what I can do but my mind just thinks of all I can't do.

I'm catastrophising thinking I'll never get back to normal. so nothing is worth doing

Hey Elizabeth.....Can I ask your thoughts about seeing your GP?...seriously...on a weekly basis..starting off with a double appointment?

It takes determination and a strong desire to heal.....and really 'opening up' to our GP/psych..otherwise they wont be able to help us

Paul have been speaking to my psychologist most weeks by phone during the pandemic. He understands me & my situation but I think he has been shocked at my deterioration recently. I prefer face to face visits but they are not allowed.

I could cope with the lockdown for a short period but knowing it will be months before I can do the things that normally help me has tipped me over the edge. I feel guilty for wasting his time by not being motivated to do more for myself.

I am seeing my GP this week but I'm worried this will cause more anxiety because my blood pressure will be still high.

Elizabeth

I can feel your pain and frustration .

You are aware of what you need to be doing but also are aware that you are catastrophising which makes everything seem too hard. I think your self awareness of your predicament and your insights into your reaction are helpful but you lack motivation to act.

You do have so much to deal with and you are doing things to help by keeping in touch with your psychologist.

I hope that writing here helps in some small way . Do your loved one and friends know how you are feeling inside or do you keep in a brave face for everyone. ?

Having a space to yourself sounds good but I can see it would take planning to get there.

I have appreciated your honest and wise posts to me over time .

Take care

Quirky

Thanks Quirky, I think it helps a bit to write although I've been finding it hard while so down. My husband knows how I'm feeling but probably not how bad. I don't want to talk in too much detail because that just emphasises it. I also don't want to worry him too much. He sometimes feels guilty about not being able to do more to help. I haven't told my kids. They know I'm stressed but not that I'm MI. I prefer to be able to use conversations with them as a distraction. Yesterday I did a little better & managed to do a couple of things around the house. I'm finding the opening up of regional Vic quite triggering as it is emphasising what we can't do & making me feel like all of us Metro residents are being blamed yet I have no control on the situation which makes me feel worse. The thought of waiting for months before I can get a workman in to help fix things or to see a health professional face to face is really hard.

On Sunday my husband's family arranged a Zoom meeting with some games for fun. I set it up & forced myself to stay in the room with my husband for 10 min but then my anxiety was so high I had to leave. I then felt really guilty because my husband couldn't see what was happening so he couldn't participate in the game without me. I worried about what the others thought. I can't cope with having the video on. If I turned it off people would comment. I tried turning the computer away from me but then I couldn't see what was happening so wasn't going to be able to help my husband play the game. I feel really out of place in group settings. They emphasise that no one likes me. At least in face to face get togethers people split up so I can just speak to a single person.

Sorry I'm rambling

Good Morning Elizabeth

Ramble or vent all you want if you are finding it helps you.

elizabeth

You are not rambling just expressing yourself clearly. I can see why zoom would make you anxious and you had to leave the room. I find any video talks quite difficult too.

It must be so hard in suburban Melbourne where you see others having restrictions lifted.
I am glad you managed a few things yesterday.

When your husband depends on you so much it adds extra pressure on you but my not being able to tell people how you really feel must be a burden too.

This one place you can be open and honest.

Your writing helps so many others in your position who will read your posts but never post. through your words they know they are not alone.

Today wasn't so good but got through it. Very tired as didn't sleep much last night. I will be visiting my daughter next week. Hope I don't get stopped by the police. My psych has told me to show them my letter as evidence of what has been happening & to get them to ring him if they need confirmation that I need to go for care.

Good Morning Elizabeth,

Sounds like a good plan you have there to visit with your daughter. And it's great you have a letter there, just incase. A reassurance all will be okay.

I know the anxiety can speak so loud and somehow cloud over anything that is lovely, good, beautiful etc. But it's good and lovely that you can visit with your daughter.

I am guessing you are driving?

Can you really take notice of your surroundings, like really notice the beautiful trees, really look at beautiful spring flowers look up and notice the sky... Is it blue, is there white fluffy clouds? Can you feel the warmth of the sun at all. Hear anything perhaps a bird. See any views in the distance? I know you like seeing beautiful views. Are you able to do that in your front yard, through your window, at your daughters?

It is really good that you will visit with your daughter. I guess something that one could be thankful for. I only say that because in can be a challenge to see the good things that happen in our lives when we are clouded by anxiety, depression. And it can be a challenge to see beauty around us and even in other people. And it can be a challenge to be thankful even.

Maybe have a look at all the beautiful photos you have.

Okay see you Elizabeth

Shell

Hi Elizabeth

Im sorry that you are going through a rough time..Can I ask if anxiety is impacting on your well being? I just read your post on the Covid-Impact thread and feel your pain yet 14 new cases is a huge step forward..?

my kindest

Paul

Thanks Shell for your lovely encouraging post.

Paul, My anxiety is impacting badly. My depression lifted slightly over the last couple of days so I could carryout some tasks which needed doing but my mood has been very fragile lately so minor things set it off.

Normally my anxiety is the result of stressful situations where I feel out of control or when particular triggers bring about intense fear but once the situation passes i get back to normal. i have never been good at relaxing either which doesn't help. Over the last year the onslaught of multiple stressors (not just Covid) have caused my anxiety to really impact on me severely.

You asked if it impacted my wellbeing :

• My blood pressure (normally low) is now high enough for my GP to be concerned. Blood tests show no physical cause so it is due to stress & anxiety.
• I feel constantly exhausted yet struggle to relax or sleep properly Today I'm too tired to do things which need doing because I couldn't sleep last night but had to get up for a zoom appointment for my husband
• I have headaches & back pain due to the tension in my body
• My fitness level has dropped Making it harder to do things. Walking is normally an enjoyable activity but now is stressful as I feel restricted where I can go, I'm watching out for other people particularly when with my husband to keep him safe my mind dwells on all the negatives including worrying about getting back on time & feeling so unfit.
• My self worth & confidence have dropped as I feel like a failure. I can't get help with things that need fixing so they act as a reminder of how useless I am.

Even hearing low case number triggers worry that it will jump & I'll be more disappointed.

Hi Elizabeth

I understand we have different levels of anxiety that can have a detrimental effect on our day to day well being yet anxiety is awful to have no matter how severe. I hear you about these lockdowns here in vic...Not a good place to be in Elizabeth...frustrating would be an understatement. I get it

Can I ask (if thats okay) if you have reconsidered meds to provide a platform assist in your day to day well being?

They are never a 'fix all' as you know yet in conjunction with our counselling we can find some peace of mind. Im only speaking from my own experience as I wasted 13 years of my life continually refusing low dose meds that would have made my quality of life a lot better. I cant wind the clock back unfortunately

I hope today has been good to you Elizabeth

my kind thoughts always...Paul

My GP recommended trying meds again. I refused. I know for some people they help but my experience has been so bad I can't face trying again. Last 2 trials were so bad it took months to recover from the trial which just exacerbates my situation. I have really tried them giving them plenty of time to work ( over 6 weeks)

I agree we need to control the pandemic. Just wish everyone understood that & followed the rules. Rules like the 5km rule are only there to make it easier for the police so people can't just claim they're going to a shop or exercise when they're far from home & planning to do the wrong thing. While I really miss spending time with family I agree that we can't afford to allow that before the numbers are much lower consistently so we don't have another wave.

I'm OK today although tired & with a bad headache