I am still struggling with tiredness. My husband had a procedure at hospital which went OK but I think I'm still wound up about it. I;m not good at letting go. I worry because so often things have gone wrong.

I need to vent but didn't want to start a new thread. I am not expecting useful advice as there are no real solutions but I would appreciate replies letting me know people care even though they can't fix anything!!!

I've had a very busy few months so haven't had much time on BB. On Tuesday I received an email from my psych with a letter he'd attached for me to read through. It was to be forwarded to the person in charge of an organisation I'm involved with letting him know what was happening with me as I had been feeling judged or misunderstood. I had agreed for the letter to be written. unfortunately reading it reminded me of all the things going wrong making me feel worse. Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist who I hadn't seen for 2 months. I had to explain what had been happening which once again brought my focus on all the bad things which had happened. He tried to give a different perspective on some of the events but I remained stuck in my negative view. Over the last 2 months my son has been in a psych hospital & his struggles continue to be hampered by his wife My FIL died which meant a very stressful couple of weeks taking my husband to visit him frequently while he was dying & then funeral etc, Other extended family members have had some serious issues including physical & mental illness & serious relationship difficulties. Both my husband & I have been sick & there have been signs of further deterioration in my husband's condition. One of the most frightening was when an attempt to walk up a mountain almost ended in disaster after my husbands legs gave way & I had to assist him back to camp. It was over a week before he recovered enough to walk normally.

Today my husband saw the physio. I was concerned asked him for advice to ensure my husband exercises enough without overdoing it. overdoing things leads to fatigue & muscles stop functioning & take hours if not days to recover. I was told I need to see a social worker because I'm overreacting!!!! I walked out. My concerns proved valid as my husband's hands remained too weak to function long after the session. I was very down & teary the rest of the day & feel really alone. I don't like to say too much to my husband because I don't want to make him feel worse. He already feels bad that he can't help much at home & can't work & earn money.

Sorry I know many people are worse off so I shouldn't complain & I need to learn to deal with my problems better.

Dear Elisabeth~

The last time we spoke you were trying to get your sleep pattern improved. With all that is happening to you at the moment I doubt it's anything to write home about.

From the sound of it there is an awful lot happening. A death, a husband unwell and hard to care for, plus problems with an organization, dealing with a psychologist, psychiatrist and more. An awful big load, all at once.

I don't have any great advice, maybe trying to separate each thing out so it becomes a series of problems -some solvable now, some harder.

I do know that all the way though you have prevailed. Your judgment remains good -the incident with the physio proves that, pity your advice was not taken and your husband could then come out of therapy more able to function.

I do have a question. You very naturally don't want your husband to feel bad, as he can't work. I agree it is a big thing for him to cope with. In my own case I found that being able to give support (non-financial) to my wife gave me something more too. Do you think that might be the case with him, that perhaps you could lean more?

I hope this present wave of problems quickly returns to a more normal scene

Croix

Oh Elizabeth, my heart goes out to you big time. I want to let you know I am listening.

I believe it is a good thing that you did by venting out on here. So good on you! Just get it all out, rather then churning and dwelling on stuff. Do you feel a bit better unloading it all, like maybe a bit lighter?

Anyway I care about you, and wanted to let you know that I do.

Shell xx

Thank you Croix & Shell for your replies. It is good to know someone cares even though there is nothing practical to do.

i am lucky to have a good psychologist & psychiatrist who both try to listen &do what they believe will help/ Unfortunately sometimes the process is confronting. Having the physio imply I was just interfering & useless was bad for my self esteem.

Hi Elizabeth,

I want to encourage you by saying that I have never seen you as useless. In fact quite the opposite. I applaud you for caring and taking care of your hubby the way you do. It is inspiring to see that. Sometimes I think we just believe lies or our eyes are clouded by our struggles and emotions, that's all.

So Elizabeth may you feel encouraged you are doing good in regards to your hubby.

Shell xx

Thanks for your support. I sometimes feel like as soon as I move forward something else goes wrong. Today I was helping my daughter and tripped over a powercord landing heavily on my knees so needing to rest & recover. Unable to help& feeling stupid. Why am I so clumsy. I'm supposed to be the carer but injure myself. My husband wants to help but I often feel it is harder supervising him doing things to help. I then feel guilty for not allowing him to do more. Sorry I'm just feeling sorry for myself & angry with myself for being stupid.

Dear Elizabeth~

Since when is tripping stupid? When I'm tired or in pain my feel do not lift properly and I've been known to trip in a most spectacular and entertaining (for others) fashion.

We all have limits, though it can be hard to acknowledge them properly, if it is less effort to do yourself than supervise then supervision is an extra task which needs to be undertaken only when you have the energy/resources.

I guess you are another one of us that is too hard on self. You are strong and resilient and caring.

Croix

For me tripping or falling has very scary negative connotations. I have never been very coordinated Hated sport at school (much rather do homework) & have had a long history of falls & injuries. Of course now I'm older I don't bounce back like I used to. I have always felt really embarrassed when I fall. To make it worse I used to work as an OT & would assess peoples homes to make them as safe as possible & reduce the risk of falls. My mother used to fall & then stopped leaving the house alone due to risk of falling. She ended up in a wheelchair unable to walk. Her condition was supposed to be genetic but noone has been able to tell me what is the risk of me following her. I compensate by pushing myself to walk & stay as active as possible.

I am struggling at the moment. As mentioned in another thread my daughter is moving OS at the end of the month & is moving out of her house next Saturday. The last 2 weekends I have helped her fixing her garden & packing & moving stuff so the house is ready to rent out while she is OS. Most of her stuff will be stored at my house. The long days & heavy work gardening combined with a lo of work at home during the week trying to rearrange things to fit her things in have left me exhausted. Emotionally it has been hard due to the worry & stress & knowing I will miss her. To make things worse I arrived home late with a car packed to the brim with my daughters things to find my husband had not eaten properly since breakfast & had forgotten to take his medication. I had left food in the fridge for him to heat in the microwave. I rang him from my daughters at tea time to say I'd be late & told him to heat the food I'd left. My husband is blind & also has a condition which makes it essential he eat on time with medication otherwise he becomes too weak to digest food & can end up seriously ill.

Yesterday I woke up feeling really down. I went to church with my husband but kept crying which made me feel embarrassed & even worse. Exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed with what needs to be done, unable to move ahead with my own plans & feeling I can no longer trust my husband to manage on his own (even though he insists he can manage) all combined to trigger a very low mood. Today I'm not as depressed but I notice my jaw & teeth are aching as I'm clenching them . Anxiety is now the biggest problem.

I couldn't live with myself if I don't do everything possible to help my daughter. She has always tried to help me & others in the family needing help. He siblings hve also helped as much as they can.

I am just looking for ideas to help deal with the depression & anxiety apart from not helping my family.

Dear Elizabeth~

You are swamped. Juggling your needs, your daughter's needs and your husband's.

As someone standing outside of it all and looking in I do have an observation, please bear with me if I'm long-winded, I want to ease into it.

My first wife ended up with diabetes brought on by the lifelong use of a most necessary drug. It was the full diabetic experience with blood tests every few hours, injections of measured does of the two insulins, eating and exercise regimes etc etc. She hated it and in order to make life more tolerable I'd do a lot of the testing, mixing and injecting. I'd also try to remind her about the exercise and diet.

Sometimes she would go completely off the rails. As a nursing sister she was well aware of the situation but simply was (for a few hours) not prepared to live that way. Consequences were not always that good. Of course I tried everything I could from talk to preparations to stop this rebellion.

The similarity I want to draw here is my wife as a responsible human being charted her own course though life, and there was no way I could take over that responsibility, no matter how I felt.

I'm not suggesting any reason for why your husband did not eat, maybe impatience with life, maybe absentmindedness, maybe attention seeking -I do not know the gentleman and have no idea at all. What I do know is that unless a person is mentally diminished they are captain of their course and that's it.

I know you may be faced with dealing with the medical consequences of failure to eat. Maybe a convincing talk of responsibilities and consequences to both of you? You are the person on the spot best able to judge.

You may think me cold, unrealistic, and displaying an lack of understanding of the situation, however all can see the effect on you of your three burdens and would wish you could partly lessen at least one of them.

Croix

Thank you Croix. I really appreciate your reply as it shows a real understanding of at least part of my problems. My issue is that I am the one who has to deal with any consequences of him not eating. He is now used to me doing all the work including preparing all the meals so he doesn't have to think about preparing food. Probably the reason I reacted so strongly to my husband not eating properly was that I feel that in the future if I need or want to do something on my own I will be reluctant because I'll be worried about leaving my husband on his own. This limits my ability to have a break.

I saw my psych today & discussed what is happening. I need to try to schedule in some breaks as the next few weeks will be full on but I'm not sure how successful I'll be. I know that later this week will once again be extremely busy & stressful which could tip me over the edge again but there is no alternative.

Dear Elizabeth~

I was somewhat hesitant to post as my thoughts were not a comfortable ones, I'm relived your took it as you did.

I've not much more to say except the twin goads of perceived responsibility and threat of untoward consequences can make us all feel stuck. If you have a partnership and are not just a caring service then I guess frank talk between equals may be the best answer.

That's what I did with my wife, as I felt stuck and great concern for her. She well knew blindness and degeneration of extremities plus internal organ failure were all on the cards from repeated abuse of her condition.

She also knew that under such circumstances I would not be able to look after her and she would have to be in care. This really did strike home and she was able to deal with her condition more successfully. It was never any form of threat or blackmail, just a pragmatic view of what would happen. Neither of us wanted that.

You can easily anticipate what I'm going to say.

If you keep on as you are and melt down your husband will be in care. If you keep on as you are and melt down your recovery will be marred by senses of guilt and failure. You need your husband's support night now, given in tangible ways such as preparing and eating meals, inventively relying on you less for things he can do himself.

He can be the one to ring you at your daughters and say don't worry, I'm eating.

He is your husband and partner, that is a position of love, pride, support, enjoyment.

When my PTSD, anxiety and depression was at its worse I in effect abdicated responsibility (not intentionally, it just was a fact of the illness) and totally relied on my wife. Later the situation was reversed and I was very glad to have the opportunity to be the partner that helped - so was she.

Yes I know, you may think me overly idealistic or impractical. Perhaps , however it is a possible way out of some of your burden.

I think I've said all I can. I hope however you do it the load gets lifted at least a little.

Croix

Thank you Croix. I appreciate your replies as you have walked a related path so understand some of what I am going through. I will shelve the frank discussion because I need to focus on the things which are essential right now but I will address it before the next time I need to leave him on his own. Tomorrow I am hiring a truck to move the rest of my daughters stuff & my husband will come with me to help with the heavy lifting & company on the long drive. At least when carrying furniture together his blindness isn't an issue as I guide him. Obviously he can't help carry much on his own. My challenge is to focus on doing the essential, urgent tasks & leave everything else that can be put off for a week or two to give me the best chance of coping.

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this but didn't want to start a new thread. I am feeling like I am just using the forum rather than contributing currently as I am struggling with so much on. I hope people will forgive me.

Today I saw my psychiatrist I explained that I had been very busy & stressed & explained what had been happening. I mentioned how down I had been after the busy Saturday helping my daughter. Unfortunately this is a common pattern. When I push myself to do something I end up overtired & then fall in a hole emotionally. Often I feel that if I didn't push myself to carry out the project I would feel even worse because of feelings of guilt & failure. My psych's question was why do I feel so bad when I have pushed myself & done the best I can. My logical brain can acknowledge that I've done what I can but something else beats me up saying I've failed.

His challenge to me was to 'stop the bullies from winning'. As a child I was bullied badly at school & this has left me with very poor self esteem & feeling I'm never good enough or haven't done enough. He wants me to treat the negative thoughts as if they are the bullies speaking so I'm supposed to tell them to go away so I don't let them get me down. I understand that this would help me but I don't feel confident at following through. Has anyone else got ideas or words of encouragement or can share what they do. Sorry I am not expressing myself very well.

Dear Elizabeth~

OK, a couple of things, the easy ones first. It's an excelent place for that post. Using your own thread gives others an easy what to see what has happened before.

People contribute to this forum on different levels and this depends on their needs, abilities and circumstances. It is not all posting to others with encouragement and advice -though that has it's place.

Very many help simply by being helped. This does two things, firstly it answers a need most have to do some helping. That's built into people and answering that need makes them feel and be better.

The second is that the support received is read by the silent majority who never post but do read the Forum. They get helped too.

So don't worry. If you still feel you are not contributing enough then do what you can, put a post in the Happy Memories thread, list some music, contribute to one of WhiteKnight's think pieces - or similar. This social or keeping well side of the Forum is highly important - it provides relief and balance.

Now, with the thoughts of not doing enough, being strong enough, failing. If one accepts your psych's challenge I might tend to think back to the actual bullies I remember from my youth. Examine their juvenile cruel conduct through the eyes of the mature adult you are, see them as they really were -inadequate, desperate, shallow. Think of yourself now, an adult with judgment and standards.

Then look at the thoughts that insist you have not done enough.

I was fortunate in not being bullied, so I'm just saying what I would try, it may make no sense - dunno.

I do know you say getting overtired makes matters worse, so drawing a balance might be another possible avenue, pacing your physical self, where little things are ignored in the interested of husbanding your strength.

Croix

Thanks Croix,

One of my problems is that I can't remember details of what the bullies did in primary school but I remember being scared running to the bus stop at the last minute in the hope that would stop them having time to bash me up. After school I remember running from the bus to avoid being attacked. I can't remember details of the attacks. At lunch time I sneaked back into class because I was too scared to be in the playground. The only friend I had stopped playin with me because she was scared of being bullied if she remained my friend. Home was the only safe place as I knew my parents loved me no matter what. The feeling of being unloveable, not worthwhile & every other negative thought is so ingrained from this time. Maybe I've spent my life running away to avoid the negative consequences of facing the bullies but I have never learned to stop

Sorry I need to stop writing as this is leadig me into really negative thoughts.

Ah Elizabeth I am so sorry you were bullied like that at school. It is a challenge for me to read and know you were tormented like that. And that you were so scared. My heart goes out to you big time.

I would have chosen you as a friend if you would have me as one.

It is so special you knew your parents loved you. I grew up not really knowing that or feeling it. But I now know that they did. Happy tears...

From my understanding about bullies is that it is really showing you about them and what their hearts are like. A reflection of their troubled souls.

If you haven't forgiven them do you think that would help you sort of let it go and be free from it all? It might Elizabeth.

I care about you and you awesome!

Shell xx

Thanks Shell, I really appreciate your support. I don't blame the people who were too scared to be my friend. I'm sorry you didn't feel loved as a child but I'm glad you know now that they did. I don't remember being told by my parents they loved me but there was always a feeling that they wanted us & cared about us. Their actions spoke louder than words. I can't imagine why anyone who knew you wouldn't want to be your friend. She are such a lovely person.

I am sharing an update on how things are going. The last month has been extremely busy & stressful trying to help my daughter prepare to move to UK including rearranging & sorting out my own house to make room to store her belongings. She left last Sunday. I have got most of her remaining belongings sorted & stored. She gave away a lot fortunately. There is still some stuff to sort but not too much.I then have to catch up on all the other tasks I have put off to deal with my daughter's move. In some ways I've managed quite well getting through a stressful time with no major meltdowns.

Unfortunately there has been some real costs!!! My sleep has been very disturbed as my mind is going nonstop day & night trying to work out how to do everything. I often find myself in the middle of the night trying to work out where to store things or worrying about things I haven't done. This has left me very tired. I also lack the time, self control & energy to do the things which I need to do to remain healthy. For example my walking & exercising has become very irregular. I am eating junk & worry about undoing all the good I did last year losing weight & getting healthier,I also got out of routine helping my husband with his speech & exercises & other things he needs due to lack of time. This leaves me feeling guilty & will have adverse consequences if I don't get back into doing everything he needs.

I need to find the energy & motivation to complete the outstanding tasks at home but equally important to get back on track looking after myself with diet, exercise, quality sleep & relaxation (to have a break from the stresses & recuperate) as well as helping my husband. It is easy to know what I should do but hard to motivate myself without putting too much pressure & risking me falling to pieces. I feel like I'm on the edge in danger of falling over

I have been thinking about you today Elizabeth. And I was starting to feel lovingly concerned for you. Are you okay there? I left a reply on your newer thread too.

Shell xx

Thanks Shell for your thoughts. I saw your other reply but they locked the thread so I couldn't reply. I felt disappointed that no one else cared except you. I hope you are doing well. I often think of you and how caring you are. I am trying to get my diet back on track starting today. Fatigue is a major issue due to sleep problems. I'm trying to get better sleep. The stress & fatigue has made it harder to control negative thoughts such as guilt & feelings of failure.

I am sorry you felt disappointed about no one else answering, Elizabeth. I do not know why others did not post. Perhaps it just happens when one has been around on BB for a while or something.

As for you feeling like a failure etc, well you are right everything can seem more negative when we are not sleeping that good. It is like we wear sleep deprived, stress induced foggy glasses or some such thing. The truth is distorted somewhat. My guess is you are just plain exhausted and you are in need of you time. You had a lot going on there, with your daughter moving. Do you know how long she will be over in the UK? Actually you have had a lot of things happening there in your life. Maybe you could go for one of your hilltop or mountain walks, and when you reach near the top just peer over the mountains and enjoy what is before your eyes. Just drink it all in, feel the invigorating chill in the air. Feel the wind on your face. I do know you enjoy views from the mountains. If you have not got the physical energy, maybe you could simply drive up a beautiful mountain, and enjoy the views whilst enjoying a healthy picnic. Sounds heavenly to me. Gosh I even want to do it now!

I might join you in the healthy eating comeback. Actually I will. Do you think that may help you be motivated to keep going with eating healthier? I am eating okay but binging on junk a couple of days a week when I get too emotional and out of habit.

Don't lose heart Elizabeth, you have just been swamped with stuff is all. You have won before with eating healthy. You have helped your hubby thousands of times. You have won before with all that walking up those steps and exercise.

Right.... Since I have eaten only junk today , I will go make a fresh juice. Most likely with baby spinach, zucchini, celery, apple and lemon.

Do you know what you will be having for dinner ?

Shell xx

Dear Elizabeth~

One of the down sides of this place is that being text only, and using posts rather than chat it is very easy to draw the same sort of conclusions as one would if similar things happened face to face.

If you do not get a reply in a timely manner you can so easily think it is a reflection either on you, or just as likely on those you thought could have posted. Like the song "It ain't necessarily so". I'm an example. I've been doing the rounds of people I post to more slowly this month due to things not related to the Forum at all.

It will be OK. The other thing I saw -which was in another thread, was you saying you had difficulties talking and expressing yourself, that things did not end up being quite what you meant. Another shortcoming here I guess as conversations and corrections are in slo-mo.

I guess if it did not work correctly just say it a different way, you are intelligent and literate and will get there in time.

Still you are a person of very high ideals and standards, which you believe apply to you in a most rigorous manner. This is all well and good, being the 'glue' that holds things together is fine, and gets things done. It does have a downside in that you set yourself up for failure, when you can't eat properly, sort out your husband's exercises and all that list of other things the guilts and feelings of failure tend to take over.

Look, I'm not telling you anything you have not already thought of, maybe somebody else saying these things may make them ring a bit truer.

So what are you doing to look after you and having time out? Sometimes when very stressed I've played truant from duty and read a book or skived of to a movie.So easy to feel guilty or feel I've failed. The truth is without those periods of respite I would spiral down, and I really don't want to face that again.

Have listen to what Shell is saying (Hi Shell), lots of sense and caring there.

I'll try to pop by more often, you deserve it

Croix

Thank you Shell & Croix. I really appreciated both of your posts. I needed them.

Shell, because we have been so busy & because it is winter getting out in the mountains has not been possible. I did walk 3/4 of the way up the 1000 steps this morning after dropping off my husband enroute to an appointment. Didn't have time to stop & enjoy the scenery but at least I got the exercise. My husband doesn't do well in the cold hence we can't get out as much. My daughters is hoping to stay in the UK for 2 years but will only come back when she has a good job back here. Spent some time at my daughters today. My grandson's spent their time running away, shooting me & chopping me up before locking me in prison. The 20 month old copied everything his 3 year old brother did. As we tried to leave the 3 year old clung to my leg refusing to let me go. Their play is politically incorrect but innocent. It was a nice break.

I ate OK most of the day but had tea at my daughters including chocolate coated icecream. At least there were plenty of veg for main course.

Croix I have some library books to read. I visited a friend with my husband for a couple of days which was nice but the effort of packing to get ready put pressure which led to me losing control. I am finding it hard to balance getting everything done which is needed while caring for myself. Taking a break can lead to even more pressure as there is less time to do things. We are flying to UK in 2 weeks. We had planned to visit my son prior to my daughter deciding to leave. While this should be a good holiday it is creating further time pressures at the moment. I need to prepare a lot more to be able to cope with my husband overseas. Prior to his disability we could just go with the flow making decisions on the run. Now that is much too stressful.

Tonight I am taking a sleeping tablet & trying some techniques suggested by my psych to get a better sleep. Hopefully that will help.

Good on you for walking 3/4 of the way up the 1000 steps Elizabeth. And I am so happy for you that you had fun with your two little grandsons.Well that is the impression I got when you described there play time with you.

Good night Elizabeth, may you sleep real well and may your heart be free from all these things that seem to trouble you.

And you are going to the UK.... nice one.

shell xx

A Cheery hello to you Mr Croix.

Thank you Shell, I'm glad you got to go out in the end, and it's nice to see you around dispensing comfort and sense in equal proportions.

Elizabeth~

We talked a while ago about getting to sleep in another of your threads. What I was trying to explain probably was not very clear but basically I reinforce meds with relaxation, unless you have already done so you might like to learn Smiling Mind, a free app for the smartphone which I've found quite effective at times.

Croix

Thank you Croix & Shell,

Yes it was fun with my grandkids. They feel they can just have fun with me which is nice. I had a better sleep last night. I took the sleeping tablet & switched off my alarm. I have to use the alarm when my husband has things on so I get up in time to get everything ready for him. This is fine normally but when sleep deprived just makes things worse. A while ago I started doing some different things at night to help me relax including progressive muscle tensioning/relaxing & breathing techniques. They helped but lately my anxiety & stress levels had increased & attempts to relax in bed just lead to a battle with myself with me & my sleep losing. The sleep meds were to help so I had a chance to use techniques. I am trying to use visualization ie trying to imagine being in a pleasant situation trying to imagine all the details. The idea is to take my mind away from the present & leave no room for negative or stressful thoughts. I need to work on it to master the technique. I felt more relaxed when I woke this morning so that is positive.

A very good morning to you Elizabeth.

I am glad you slept much better last night. It makes a lot of difference to how we cope and see things.

The visualisation strategy sounds like a great idea of yours. A mini relaxing holiday in ones own mind. Good on you!

Will it be a relaxing type break for you when you go to the UK? The countryside is beautiful over there. I just closed my eyes and saw these stone type fences running up and down green grass pastures. The grass was quite long and blowing in the gentle breeze. Now there are a few fluffy sheep out there with their heads down munching.

I am eating healthy today, how did you go with your breakfast this morning? It was a good morning to have some nice warm porridge. I have only had a fresh carrot, lemon and apple juice though as that is all my body was wanting.

Have a good day today Elizabeth.

Shell xx