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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

Topic: Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

  1. Tess2
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    26 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Hi CMF,

    go you, it sounds like you are doing really well in being your own best friend.

    You are stating your position and your needs and M is compromising for you. Keep strong. Have faith , don’t be anxious

    tess

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  2. randomx
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    26 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Ha haaa yep they're getting the message alright and most importantly it's finally sinking into that head of his too. Really admire the way you've handled it all too cm most would've had fireworks over all that or given up but you've somehow managed to keep things calm between you both right through and sis too no less, no mean feet there for sure.

    Never know , m will be asking you if he can stay over at this rate and sis might be finding a new world herself too in actually living as a couple for once instead of some weird 3way thing haha.

    rx

    rx

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  3. CMF
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    26 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Thanks Tess & rx,

    Yeah. I know what I deserve in a relationship. I have felt like waking away so many times but I know what a good person M is. Nothing that upsets me is intentional and he takes it on board when I mention things.

    I really think i shook things up a bit. I'm not the 18 year old he dated way back when. Im stronger, wiser, independant, I speak up.

    Yes, the break from sis has been good. She had a hernia surgery today. I didn't know anything about it till M told me today. Didn't even know she was booked to have it. Not sure if that's good or bad. Knowing M he probably thought it's not a big deal so didn't mention it. Or maybe they think I don't care cos I'm not part of their 'group. Oh well, whatever. I'll pop in with flowers one night or the weekend. Not gonna dwell on it.

    Cmf x

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  4. CMF
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    29 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    So, was just on the phone with M. We were talking and sis started talking to him in the background. M went to his room I think as he said to sis 'I'm on the phone.

    I guess the message is getting through. She can't steamroll me whenever I have his attention.

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  5. randomx
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    30 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Weird really , some of that's all she's needed for yrs and she wouldn't even be doing it .

    Anyway , big progress for ya hey.

    rx 00

  6. CMF
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    31 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Yeah. I'm peeved again though Thought we were making progress.

    M slept over last night and was leaving early this morning 8am to go cycling from my place. We were having breakfast, at 7.40am he gets a text from sis' bf showing the message you will have on your phone if your vaccinated and allowed to travel. Seriously, he had to send it so early in the morning? We could have been in bed,asleep... or busy. I told M I was peeved. He thought I was peeved about tge vaccine. They've had it. I won't. I him no. Peeved that he has to be messaged at 7.40am. He said bf was at work already. Told him that's fine but we weren't and was it so important he had to send at 7.40am on a Saturday morning? The 3 of them obviously want to travel, I know that as bf is from overseas and M & sis live travel. I don't. Clearly they have these conversations cos they're together more often.

    Once again, the 3 of them, their little clique, things in common that I'm not interested in. Bf also bought a new car with all the bells and whistles, just like M & sis. Perhaps they should live and travel together. 3 peas in a pod.

    M has done nothing wrong , but I thought we had this conversation about respect our for OUR time. I have asked if it will always be like this, the intrusions, lack of boundaries. M said no, it won't. Guess the others still don't get it.

    I'm so upset again. Want to tell them all where to go. M doesn't do that to them. Maybe it's the age gap, they are 11 years younger.

    Ruined the weekend for me.

  7. CMF
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    31 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    We have nothing in common except we are good people and love each other.

    Is that enough?sis and bf are at different stage to us. Different era. I can see why they behave differently. M doesn't do that so not his fault.

    I don't know what the trigger is besides the fact they have lots in common which I don't.

    M loves me for who I am, has spoken about our future , being together. Why does the other crap bug me. Still dont know if she's moving out end of September. If she doesn't, there's an issue. Where does it leave us? Covid Vax is an issue, he/they will have freedoms, I won't, even M said that.

  8. CMF
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    31 July 2021 in reply to CMF
    So day got worse. M was going to be back at mine around lunchtime. I went shopping, he told me not to rush back, he would just grab his things and go if I wasn't back. Well I cut my shopping short so I would be back. On my way home he called to tell me not to rush, they cut the ride short. I asked where he was, he was half way home and it wasn't even midday! Told him would have been nice to know that earlier. Even though I didn't have to be home he must have known I would try to be or he wouldn't have called. So whole morning ruined, didn't enjoy what I wanted. He knew I was peeved, guess we're out of sync for now. He said he'd get his housework done I told him yeah and plan your overseas trip. Clearly that discussion is important with others and not me.
  9. randomx
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    31 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Ahh cm cm, what are we gonna do with ya.

    Yeah l figure me saying progress was maybe a bit over doing it but there has been some none the less , but yeah , in the big picture it is a toughy , few bridges to cross yet , l know.

    Well it's not just you l know traveling is all the trend these days too but nah , done enough already younger , l'm good. l also go cross state all the time for work which l still really enjoy but done with anything bigger than that or os, zero interest now. One thing l love about gf n l , not only do l live a weird lifestyle but she just slots straight in and lives exactly the same. And she has zero interest in travel or os either, she's from os and done enough too. l just mean it is important and in our case it's all a huge thing because like you l couldn't care less for any of that stuff anymore. So l suppose there's nothing wrong with their little threesome or anything they wanna do or enjoy or their closeness either normally it'd be good luck to them but yeah , it's pretty awkward now for you two.

    lt's very understandable that's it's all built up to the way it has now after all this time. Some would say so what he got a text or you missed ea other at lunchtime, but don't be too hard on yourself it's not just those it's 3 yrs of it.

    rx

  10. CMF
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    31 July 2021 in reply to randomx

    Yeah

    It5not about getting a text or missing each other at midday. It's about the unimportant text being so early in the morning when we may have been 'BUSY.' Obviously important to them, toM, sis and bf cos they wanna travel, must be talking about it.

    It's not about missing each other at midday, it's about not telling me till he had picked up his stuff from my place and was half way home. He could have told me well before and I would have continued browsing around the shops. My happy place. Instead I was headed home cos I was expecting him midday, not expecting a call on my way home to say he'd been and gone. He wouldn't have called if he didn't think I was gonna go home to meet him. So it stuffed my morning up, but he enjoyed his.

    I was gonna visit sis after her hernia op but no need. All over social media that she's 5 days post op and on her exercise bike. Clearly she's fine.

  11. randomx
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    31 July 2021 in reply to CMF

    Yeahhh, l know , and a shame about your morning too.

    My ex was a lot that way , never bloody mentioned anything some were huge but even just simple things like that that can mess other things up yet all she had to do was mention it.

    Least ya might get out of visiting sis haha. Hope you have your nice Sunday anyway.

    rx

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  12. CMF
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    1 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Every Sunday morning I manage to overthink and pur myself in a bad, upset mood.

    If they're the 3 musketeers, 2 peas in a pod,what am I?

    It's not just cos I exclude myself, it's cos they have lots more in common in new cars, travel bugs, watching shows together, texting each other little things, bf joining them for family dinner at their mum's during the week, all being under the same roof so often, al getting vaccinated so they can be free ( I have my reasons for not doing it yet and I stick by them). I'm not a part of any of that. Nothing.

    I'm a nothing. I should just disappear. Doubt they'd care.

  13. quirkywords
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    1 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    CMF

    Your recent posts sound weary and sad and disappointed.

    I worry when you say “ I'm a nothing. I should just disappear. Doubt they'd care“.

    Do you think lockdown is getting to you.? I understand how you feel like an outsider .

  14. CMF
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    1 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Yeah, it does get to me. I am fortunate enough to be able to go back to the office.

    Something is triggering me in relation to M, his sis & her bf. I have this vision of them having fun and making plans to travel in the future. I am probably incorrect. I've always known he wants to travel, it's no secret. I think his sis posting on FB a couple of years ago, saying they were going soon has caused a trigger point for me as a friend of M's also asked him about it yet I knew nothing. I confronted him about why it was on FB and others new but I knew nothing. He said nothing was planned, it was just her 'manifesting'. I pointed out that seeing and hearing about it elsewhere, as if it was definite, was not very nice for me. Told him she was planning his life. Anyway, after her bf messaged him on Saturday morning showing him the message you get on your phone to say you are vaccinated and allowed to travel it naturally made me feel they are talking and planning again...without me. I know it's just chatter, hope but it triggered the same feelings as last time. The 3 of them do have more in common, then again, I'm an outsider everywhere I go.

    Maybe I'm better on my own?. Always the loner?

  15. CMF
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    1 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    Sharing thoughts with complete honesty.

    Let's say M was to go overseas with his family one day. I'm not in a position to go. I would never stop him just because I can't or don't want to go. He would go regardless. Where does that leave us as far as our relationship goes? I would not stop him, at the same time I'd be upset that he's overseas having fun whilst I'm alone. His life/plans are fulfilled, mine aren't cos even though I can't/don't want to go, I also want to be with my partner. I guess my point is that there's no point being with someone who doesn't want to do the same things. I want a partner who is happy to stay put, he wants a partner to travel with. He could still go, but I'm left alone so his needs of travel are met but mine of being with my partner are not. In this instance, he would probably travel with sis and her bf or his kids. as they have family overseas. Financially it's maybe not an option for me too. So again, how do you stay in a relationship where you can't do things together, or don't want to.

    Big ramble, but need to clear my mind.

  16. CMF
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    1 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    He wouldn't feel bad doing things without me but I'd feel sad that we're not doing things together or wanting the same things. If I did something without him I'd be thinking of him the whole time. He wants to go on a cruise. I would not go on one. I don't know if that will ever change. I just want to stay put.

    Should I set him free? I don't want to waste his time or mine.

  17. randomx
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    1 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    Unfortunately yeah l agree quirk.

    Any triggers are very obvious from the outside cm this is all just the latest but it's been an on going thing right through sadly.

    l try to be positive for ya and not dwell too much but unfortunately it's built up to such a degree for you lately it's no surprise your questioning so much and more seriously lately.

    Problem is you've been different people right through it's not just now or travels , your who you are and m is who he is , nothing wrong with either really l suppose but if it's not this it's that or that or that and it's really built and effecting you more and more.

    l wonder if m's starting to worry about it too ? l mean it's def' hitting home for him lately finally but l dunno what he's thinking about it all and your future.

    ex

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  18. CMF
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    2 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    Yeah,

    I'm def talking more about what I want to do moving forward rather than us. That's cos I see him with them not me and when he's with me they are still 'intruding. They see each other all the time. Give us a break.

    Def a trigger too the o/s thing. Triggering feelings of him planning things without me, which had happened in past relationship where I was excluded, kept in the dark.

    M wouldn't do that to me but remembering his sis posting on FB about them going o/s soon really hurt.

  19. quirkywords
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    2 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    CMF

    I can see through your posts thinking through things that cincern you about your relationship with M and the role of his family.

    Do you think it is more the fact M does not communicate with you about travel and other plans for the future than he wants to travel and you don’t.
    I think that feeling of being left out of the loop of communication where everyone else seems to know is very isolating , I know that feel too well.

    Has M ever talked about how he sees the future with the two of you in it and what that would look like. There is talk of travel, is there any talk of you two having a place together..?

    Do you think the good parts of your relationship with M outweigh the ones you have doubts about.?
    Q

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  20. CMF
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    3 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi rx & Quirky,

    the differences have def always been there and it is just the accumulation of everything that is wearing me down. M does talk about the future, more than i do cos i feel i cant see anything till his sis moves out and i can really see what ti is like to be with just him. Tonight on the phone he mentioned her 3 times. I do think the good parts outweigh the bad cos the bad is really revolves around 1 thing.

    I've realised now that things are triggering me so i need to deal with those triggers. I am worrying about something that may not happen for a long time and I'm convincing myself he will just do it without me. I know he'd like to travel with me, it is the trip o/s to see family, the one his sis seems to be pushing/driving, that is making me anxious.

    Guess i should cross tat bridge when i come to it rather than creating all these scenarios in my head that may not even occur.

    cmf x

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  21. Tess2
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    4 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    Dear CMF,

    i am still concerned for you. I really care about what happens.

    First I think you should reflect on the fact that he actually gets on well with his family and cares about them. That bodes well for other relationships.

    but don’t hang your hat on his sister moving out and even when she does they may still have the same sort of relationship.

    If he really wants to travel and you don’t that can be a big one. Your youngest child is still young and that is restrictive and I get the money stuff.

    You have really come on in expressing your needs to him, but I think you need to be prepared to move back into his circle somewhat. If you become What keeps him away from family , be careful, someone will be the loser.

    I think you are really patient, I could never have such long term plans with someone about the progress of moving on and living together. . He seems very easily to depend on others plans, his sister, you the kids and I think the older kids are well old enough to be a bit more mature about the whole thing.

    i just want you to be ok. Please take care of yourself

    tess

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  22. randomx
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    4 August 2021 in reply to Tess2

    My God that was so well said Tess.

    The family thing you so well described was the kind of thing l was looking to mention but just couldn't find the right words , which you nailed right there. l have worried about all that too cm. Bc he probably will back away from his family and sis for you guys, but the problem is , something will hit the fan from that later on , or as Tess so much better put it.

    Not sure where the line could be in it all.

    rx

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  23. CMF
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    7 August 2021 in reply to Tess2

    Hi Tess & rx,

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I hear what you're saying and I'd never keep him away from his family. I know when sis moves out they'll still be close but at least she won't be in my face when I go there, or talking to him in the background when we're on the phone. He slept over last night. Told ne he lives going here with me. We had a lovely night. I brought up the vaccine/ travel situation. I asked if he got it so he could travel. He said no, cos who knows when we will be allowed to travel. He got it cos he knew eventually he would and he was right there. I felt a weight off my shoulders. We discussed small businesses suffering and seeing that would make me want to get the Vax. He agreed saying we need to do it to help others, so businesses can stay open.

    Yes, I do need to rejoin the circle. Afterall we are my family now. The sis issues are triggers, I know that. I need to work on that.

    Cmf x

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  24. randomx
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    7 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    Yeah , maybe in time there's some middle ground somewhere, maybe once you guys can settle into some real time real life together , sis and the rest won't feel as bad bc you'll have your thing.

    God knows when we'll be able to travel true , at least you won't have to deal with that one for awhile. I've got someone in the US that wants to come over when we can. They can already go places even the UK as long as they're vaxed yet still on 1000s of cases as day.Don't know wth Australia is on about buttt, it'll be awhile for sure.

    rx

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  25. CMF
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    7 August 2021 in reply to randomx

    M was complaining tonight about how loud his son has his TV. As we were talking he was trying to block the doorway between the rooms. Sis was talking in the background and said little miss &I could go and live there and the older kids could live at my place. I reminded M that our older kids no longer talk. I then suggested that M could live here, sis & bf could live at her place & his boys could stay where they are. I know sis' comment was said in jest but seriously, in which universe does she think we would live under the same roof?

    Yeah...she really needs to move on lol.

  26. CMF
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    8 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    M telling me today that he will most likely sell the house next year. He'll move into their town house which is next door to sis' house. He spoke about us living together etc. I asked if he'd stay in the townhouse or llok to buy something. Said he'd probably stay, buying is too expensive, and asked if that's OK with me. I asked if sis will move back into her house ie soon. He said yes, if he sells the house, she'll move back into her house, right next door to M. So, until he sells I guess she ain't going anywhere.

    Good times.

  27. quirkywords
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    8 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    CMF

    Does M intend that you live in the town house with him at some stage.
    Sis living next door reminds me of that Sitcom Everyone loves Raymond where his parents live next door and are always at their sons house interfering. People laughter but if it was reality it would not be funny.
    I have a close relative who has criticised me . I am lucky they do not live nearby.

    I suppose you can only enjoy and cherish the times you have together.

    If you got on with sis and she was friendly but was still very involved in Ms life, would that be less of a problem .?

  28. CMF
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    8 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    We haven't decided where we'd live together down the track. He did say he wonders where. My place is perfect for little miss' schools, M said when she's finished school we can def live together but sounds like he wants to stay in the townhouse. Financially he may have to but he owns it with sis & his mum. Not his to sell.

    The thing with sis is she is very friendly and we do get along but I find her annoying, intrusive and gets too involved when it's not her business. She interrupts/intrudes on our conversations and takes over. Everything is about her. She's seems to be always calling the shots. It's all too much for me. I cannot see myself living next door to her. When I had my big blow up couple of months ago and I told M how I felt about her always intruding I asked him if our this is how our relationship would always be. He said no. I've been to his house twice since that blow up,both times when she wasn't there. I know they're siblings and close but they need to respect my feelings & boundaries too. It can't always be their way. I think M realised when I asked if he'd stay in the townhouse and he asked me if that's OK. Sis wants to build her dream house where the family home is, 2 doors down from where they currently live,but their mum is not ready to move and M has told his sis to leave her, she's happy there. If sis did eventually build there at least she'd be a couple of streets away from the townhouse.

    There may need to be a few more conversations cos from what I'm hearing, I won't be living with him, not if she is constantly in my face.

  29. CMF
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    8 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    I have to say, I'm feeling pretty disappointed. It will be the 3 of them all over again.

    He sold his life to his sis when she made the decision to buy into his house, to pay out the ex, and move in . It was all her doing, he just agreed, as he does.

  30. randomx
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    8 August 2021 in reply to CMF

    Ooooo, that is a messy one.

    And what is he on about when yours leaves school, that's yrs and yrs away. Surely he's not thinking of not living together until then or would you guys prefer not to live together for a long while yet ?. The other thing is surely he must realize you couldn't live next door to sis or move in there, you'd probably hardly even visit after awhile either if you didn't live there, it wouldn't be a much better situation than this house now she'd just be in your face again and way wayyyyy too close.

    rx

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