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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

Topic: Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

  1. CMF
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    21 June 2020 in reply to CMF

    hey,

    so,i seem to have crashed a little. Last Friday week was my 50th bday. I wish i could have that day again. It was perfect. Great day at work, flowers from M and the company, great day with my colleague, another colleague and a client singing happy bday to me at reception, a gift from our boss for myself and my colleague who was 50 a few weeks ago, family get together in the evening, beautiful gifts. I felt the love so much. 50 - bring it on I said. This week i started to crash. Internet and email at work down for 3 days, very very bus=y at work, a colleague hanging around reception and sort answering my phone and doing stuff even though i was sitting right there so that really annoyed me. argument with 16 yo daughter Friday night, little miss with a runny nose. Triggered by something on tv. I feel overwhelmed, thinking 'what ifs'. I feel like crying, a little anxious. I am crying. Too much on my mind but i think I'm hormonal. Not sleeping well, sore shoulder and neck again. M and I had a beautiful lunch at a winery today. I could see and feel the love from M so much. I know he adores me. I got to his house early, when his sis saw me she was so happy and we chatted for a bit. i could see she wanted to chat, it was girl stuff, jewellery. She was going out with a friend to visit another friend in their new house. When she had to leave she apologised to me for having to leave. It made me realise how my thoughts can be irrational. she sees me as part of the family, is always welcoming and loving. i do think my feelings are justified at times but she does not intentionally set out to upset me. she is just be herself around her brother, unfortunately when i haven't had much quality time with him i find it intrusive but i know she does not do it deliberately. It's just her being herself :-). She couldn't wait to see me open my bday gifts. M bought me a gorgeous bag and wallet and she a smaller evening bag. At one point i thought she may have chosen the gift M gave me and i jokingly asked him during a conversation but he told me he chose it, she only suggested the store. He chose the bag and the colour. I get alot of looks with it too lol. Do I deserve to be so spoilt? My brother and his family in QLD sent me some earrings.They were lovely, but not quite my style. It included an exchange receipt and i felt so bad but i did exchange them, despite telling then they were gorgeous. My sis in law said 'we thought you'd like them' I feel bad, like a liar :-(

  2. quirkywords
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    22 June 2020 in reply to CMF

    CMF

    Happy 50th birthday. Glad you had a nice day.

    Sorry you are feeling down now. I hope you feel better soon.

    It sounds like M's sister does include you in the family but maybe she comes across a bit enthusiastic as she loves her brother so much.

    I hope you can be kind to your self.

    Quirky

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  3. CMF
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    27 June 2020 in reply to quirkywords
    Tired. Mixed emotions. M gave me a bag and wallet for my bday. They are gorgeous, expensive & very heavy. I have shoulder and neck pain daily for about 6 months now. He asked if I liked & had used the bag. Told him I love it and joked that it's heavy. He offered to exchange but I said no as it's gorgeous. I did mention though that I'm not sure about the wallet as it's heavy and quite big. He shrugged it off, told me to keep it for when I need a new one. Today I went there for a coffee. I took my keys, phone & wallet (not the new one). He commented as I left that I didn't have my bag, looked it's so heavy. He l laughed and said toughen up (or something). He looked at my wallet and noticed it's my old one. Told him again the one he have me is quite big and heavy. He said next time he's giving me money. Too hard to buy for women who have everything. He yelled it out to his sis too, money for me from now on.i felt a bit hurt. I gave him an engraved phone/watch stand and it's not on his bedside table anymore. Also whilst there was chatting to his sis about her work etc. As soon as M joined us she started talking about the car she wants to buy. They've been talking all week about it as she brought 1 home to test drive but again today it was those 2 talking about her stuff. I was involved but don't know why she started talking to him about it when I was there. Is it a subconscious thing to have his attention when I'm there? It was clearly between them 2, this car they love that she wants to buy. I could see he was trying to include me,holding my hand etc but it was weird. If I wasn't there they would have had the same conversation I guess. Just find it weird that she'd have the discussion then when she could have it anytime. I'm not interested in those cars, so why do it?
  4. randomx
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    28 June 2020 in reply to CMF

    She's a strange one alright. A lot of the stuff she does seems unnatural , sort of uncalled for . But sometimes it sounds like it's just in more of a kind of trying a bit too hard kind of way .

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  5. CMF
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    28 June 2020 in reply to randomx
    On a positive, it didn't peeve me off like it used to. I didn't feel like I needed to get out.

    Also, M got the results of his last uni essay. He did great and told me first thing this morning. Means I won't w all in and hear from his sis first. I guess our chats have sunk in . I can really see he is making an effort to change the things that were upsetting me. He really does love me and it shows in many ways. I too am trying not to let things get to me when and really all I am getting is lots of love from a beautiful blended family.

    Cmf x
  6. Moonstruck
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    29 June 2020 in reply to CMF

    Haven't spoken with you for so long CMF but well aware of the dilemma you've had (and been coping with admirably I must say, and with great patience that I doubt I would have been able to) with "the sister"...your last couple of posts reminded me of Princess Diana's famous reply in the legendary TV interview about her husband Charles' relationship with Camilla.."well, there were 3 of us in this marriage...so it was a bit crowded"......

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  7. CMF
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    29 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    My dear friend Moon ( yes, you are my friend),

    I think of you often and am aware of what you have been through recently. I apologise for not posting. I have no words, i cannot imagine...

    My 'dilemma' will sort itself out. Most of it is my reaction i think. I'm giving power to it by allowing it to affect me. Yes, it feels like 3 of us in the relationship but i am learning that she is very much about wanting people to know what she does, where shes been, what she is doing. She is not a bad person. M and i had a long chat yesterday about her non relationship with her partner and he is talking to her about it tonight. She deserves better and i think that m is ow seeing how crazy their situation is. Her bf only goes there for a meal and gives nothing to the relationship or her. Now that she lives there M is seeing it. He told me he never realised in the past and just thought she was ok with it but he now sees her bf is not good for her. I pointed out that by not saying anything he is doing her an injustice. He told me he is proud of me for speaking up about the things that upset me and said he is more the type that will do/say nothing and hope that it will sort itself out. He said he has sensed when something is not quote right or can pick up when a situation isn't right but he lets it go hoping it will sort itself out. I think he is becoming more aware of things now. I'm really proud of him for talking to his sis tonight as i know ow uncomfortable he was about it. He says I am his...something...can't remember but something like his guidance/voice of reason as I see things and speak up in and help him see things in a different light.

    It will get there. I will continue to speak up if i feel it necessary and he is open to what i have to say.\

    love ya

    cmf x

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  8. Moonstruck
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    30 June 2020 in reply to CMF

    Lovely to hear from you and it sounds very positive, the changes in your guy's reactions....you've been together quite a while now haven't you...and even in the months (?) since we spoke...I can see a change and positive growth in you and the way you are handling things....just by what you write I think you've come a long way from the beginning of the relationship...good for you!! I think you got this!

    It's wonderful when a guy really "gets you",knows what makes you laugh, what makes you angry, what makes you sad.....I found that too in the man I lost just last month.......at least I had it. I know I was loved...that he knew me...and loved me anyway... Maybe that's something not every woman can say.... enjoy every moment......luv ya too. x

  9. CMF
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    30 June 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon,

    I wish i could hug you. Thank you for your positive words. Yes, i have grown, i am trying my best to look at things differently and acknowledge my feeling without reacting or letting them take over.

    I am happy that you experienced that love. I hope it brings you comfort knowing that you were loved for who you are. You are right, not every woman can say that. We are blessed.

    That love is still with you Moon.

    gentle hugs

    cmf x

  10. randomx
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    30 June 2020 in reply to CMF

    Hiya cm .

    Yeah funny but l really didn't think it would get through to him so soon tbh if at all . But your gentle patient approach is working and l think he's finally putting two and two together ,

    Nice goin cm , take a bow eh. PS , how did the talk with sis go anyway .

    rx

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  11. CMF
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    1 July 2020 in reply to randomx
    Hey rx,

    How are you doing? The talk went well I believe. She agreed her bf would not be a good partner or parent. M suggested she try and live with him for a month and she said she couldn't live in his house. No matter who's house he would be the same. M is going to check in with her and I think just tell her she needs to end it. It seems that M has had enough of It. Enough of the bf dropping in for a feed whenever her wants, not interested in anything his sis does, only interested in his mates. He has too many issues he says he needs to deal with before he can make a commitment...11 years of this. Anyway, she agreed to all M said and said she pictured herself with someone else. Told M I'm so proud of him, it was completely out of his comfort zone to have that chat.

    Cmf x
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  12. CMF
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    2 July 2020 in reply to CMF

    Today was tough. I'm so tired, not a good night's sleep as cats are making alot of noise outside my window every night. I woke with neck/shoulder pain and got up to put something on it. Work is so busy and we keep getting more and more to do. It's a good thing as it keeps us busy however there is only so much we can do in a day. All our staff are working from home and we are doing everything for them. It is becoming very demanding. Our office is large and everything is at the other end of the office, more and more is being put on us to do, procedures keep changing, things are going missing. There are 4 of us at reception, 2 on each day and so double handling is happening . It drove me crazy today. Usually i am on top of things but today the smallest things took forever as i kept getting interrupted. My colleague dealt with emails but i didn't know what had and hadn't been done and had to go through each email. It was so time consuming then she is pressuring me to start other tasks. i just wanted to say stop! Stop committing to more and more tasks, stop pressuring me to do something when i am completing something else. Stop heaping things on me to do all at once.

    I'm so tired and finding it hard to be positive even though I know how lucky i am to be working and busy.

  13. monkey_magic
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    3 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    Hi CMF,

    You are grateful for your job which is really positive. Loading on you with more and more things to do is a bit unfair. You are one person afterall. You can only get them done at your own pace which you are probably doing.
    My job is fairly easy but I'm currently not working on Jobkeeper and staying at home is getting a bit tedious.

    The boyfriend doesn't sound very good. She should just get rid of him. Up to her obviously.

    Life is sounding quite good except for the cats and pain the other night.

    You're still employed, still have the man and sounding quite resilient.

    MMx

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  14. CMF
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    5 July 2020 in reply to monkey_magic
    Thx MM,
    Yes i am very lucky. Very flat atm. So his sis turned 40 few months ago and ticking over off her bucket list. Sports model/body building, bought a Tiffany necklace, a Cartier ring and now looking at a new car. Alfa Romeo, about $130,000 , fastest SUV in the world, lots of bells and whistles. M loves Alfa's and is very impressed with it. I don't care and don't see the need for it he d idea who boost. My brothers wife is selling her little Yaris and I have been thinking of downsizing my car. I saw many on the road yesterday and 2 across the road from M's house when I got there. I mentioned it to him, his response 'Yaris is rubbish, get an Alfa...' then onto what his sis is getting. He showed me the book, he test drove it with her wow it's amazing. Told him I know, saw it all on FB. Any way, right in that moment I wanted to walk out. I know he didn't mean it but to brush off my mild excitement and go on about his sis' car hurt me. I'm not materialistic, she can buy whatever she wants but I find it extreme , he s knows I'm not like that. There was mention how good her car will look in his driveway cos she lives there. I wanted to talk to him about the Yaris get his opinion guess I got it, but I didn't expect it like that. Guess I'm just not exciting enough. I actually don't want to see him today. I'm not into material things, expensive things, fancy cars. I'm not gonna change. He knows that, he loves me for it, but of course his sis' stuff takes over.
  15. CMF
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    5 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    well that was a depressing Sunday. Was meant t go to M's at 11.30am but told him if he starts talking about that care again i'm going home. He was shocked, asked if i got out of the wrong side of bed and told him no,was upset the minute i walked into his house yesterday. He said he'd come to mine so i wouldn't have to hear about the car. He came over, i told him what upset me. He thought the idea of the yaris was done and dusted but i pointed out i had brought it up a few times but he was too wrapped up in his sis' car. Anyway he had a look at the car online (a new on) together and we chatted about it a little. We went out for lunch, had a nice chat about his next uni assignment,but i was so flat. On the way home he asked if i thought i was different around him when i had little miss with me. the answer is yes and we talked about why. I know it's because of what she tell her dad, M said he understands it but prefers me not to be like that, which i understand. He thinks it is confusing for little miss and said it is like there are 2 of me. I feel a little upset but also proud of him for bringing it up cos he has admitted he lets things go and hope they sort themselves out, he is no one to speak up. I did however point out that it probably is confusing for her. We go there and she sees m, his sis and boys. She sees a family unit. She's never asked who the boys' mum is. On my bday he comes over with his sis. I pointed out the whole setup is confusing as I too find it hard to find my place at times. i'm like a guest. They live together, cook together, watch shows together. I pointed out that he would prefer i was different when i have little miss around him but i would prefer hos set up to be different too but it isn't. I'm not going to feel fully in a relationship with him till the situation changes. He then wondered if things would have been different if he sold the house. Told him yes, very different. I wouldn't feel like a guest when i go there. I could go over and we could cook together, make pancakes on a Sunday like we used to and i could clean up while he showers. There wouldn't be another woman dong it.He said they don't do pancakes anymore cos i don't eat them, told him i stopped going for pancakes cos i felt like a guest. I told him he would probably pop over and see me more often cos he would be sitting alone at home, he would tell me about his day more and i wouldn't hear "did m tell you..."Told him things would be different, we would be different
  16. CMF
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    6 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    Can't stop crying
  17. quirkywords
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    6 July 2020 in reply to CMF

    CMF why cant you stop crying.?

    Are you thinking of what might have been? Is that why you are crying.

    I get the impression from your blog about M is that you really like it when things go well but feel like a guest the third leg at times. Having bad times the good times can be exhausting and tiring.

  18. CMF
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    6 July 2020 in reply to quirkywords
    Hi Quirky,

    I had a bit of a meltdown. I was quite anxious today too. M is wonderful. Everything I could ever want. It's situations thst set me off and all of them are to do with his sis, even though she treats me like family and is very generous and loving toward me. Little miss was at her dad's today & teenage daughter at M's hanging out with his boys.M rang as I was leaving work and asked me to join them for dinner. It was just M & I and the three kids. His sis was working late. It was perfect. It was a glimpse of how I hope our future looks. Us and the kids. I'm sure his plan was to make me feel at home there ad his sis wasn't around, especially after yesterday's chat when I said it would be different if they didn't live together. It was so nice and relaxing. I even helped with the dishes so didn't feel like a "guest". We are both honest about feelings and he too spoke up yesterday about something he'd prefer instead of brushing it aside. A lot of positives I can see.

    Cmf x
  19. CMF
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    9 July 2020 in reply to CMF

    today i had a small surgery to remove pre cancerous cells. It was yuk. It was under local anaesthetic , my blood pressure rose dramatically so they had to change to a different local at the minute, one that did not have Adrenalin. I get results in 4 weeks and hope i do not require anything further. I have some discomfort and pain, I'm so tired. M dropped me off, i had to be temperature tested, wear a mask. I t was eerie, so hard to breathe with the mask. i was dizzy afterwards, luckily M picked me up and stayed with me all afternoon. It was so unpleasant.

    M's sister ended it with her bf. Realised she deserved better, with the help of m talking to her. It's a good thing and in fact, I think I will feel less frustrated when she is around as i have realised part of my frustration was that she had a bf, yet she was never with him. I always felt she should be our with him, not hanging around us. Now that he is gone i can understand if she is hanging around. It also means she has the opportunity to meet someone who treats her better and will take here out. If and when it does happen she may even spends time at his house, giving m and i alone time. i know it will not be straight away but in time...hopefully.

    I'm very tired.

    cmf x

  20. CMF
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    23 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    I woke feeling weird, then remembered that today face masks are mandatory. It makes me anxious, makes it even more real. I already feel like I can't breathe properly .

  21. CMF
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    23 July 2020 in reply to CMF

    ...and the adventure continues. My son was informed today he has been in contact with someone who tested positive. I had to leave work, pick up the kids and we all got tested.

    Now we sit and wait...

  22. CMF
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    25 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    So we all tested negative. Hopefully it stays that way 🙏
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  23. CMF
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    30 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    had enough. Can't do this anymore.
  24. monkey_magic
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    30 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    Hi CMF,

    What is it that you can't do anymore, if, you feel like sharing?

    I'm embracing change in my life currently.

    There are things that aren't currently serving me.

    Time for change.
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  25. Sophie_M
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    30 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    Hey CMF,

    It sounds like things are feeling really overwhelming right now, and we are sorry that you're in such a tough space. We hope that you can find some comfort here in the forums, and we are also getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you. Please know that you are not alone here and support is always available to you.

    If you would like to speak with someone about these feelings, we'd encourage you to get in touch with our Beyond Blue Support Service. The friendly counsellors are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 
     
    In addition to this, our friends at Lifeline on (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are available 24/7 during your most overwhelming moments.
     
    If you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

    We're all here for you CMF.
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  26. CMF
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    30 July 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi my friends.

    It has been a challenging week. After we all tested negative for covid my teenage daughter came down with a sore throat and runny nose. I had to pick her up from school and have her re tested. This meant i could not go to work again today as we didn't have her results. Her results came thru but they had already organised a cover so i stayed home. Yesterday i wrote in my gratitude diary that i was grateful for my bank balance and money flow. I finally feel i have some good savings. This morning my heating tripped the safety switch so i cannot use it. So there goes my bank balance, although i am glad i have the money to repair/get new heating if needed. It was a gorgeous day today, sun shining, warm. I cleaned up the back yard, painted some pots to freshen them up and re potted some plants. It was perfect. I then saw and email from work but i was meant to get another which i didn;t. Basically they are giving us half a afternoon off (not sure how long for). This is amazing, however my colleague will be having Friday arvo off. The level crossings are being removed in my area and my office manager said i could finish work at 5pm as there will be road closures and delays for me getting back to pick up little miss. This week i was planning to have little miss attend school Thur and Fri as my son has uni, however if my colleague leaves at 2pm I need to lock up at 5.30pm. I can leave little miss with my son just on Friday and she can attend the school on Thursday (my afternoon off day) however if schools go back in 3 weeks the Friday will be an issue. The way things are going here in Melb schools may not go back yet and because i didn't get the 2nd email i don't know how long this afternoon off thing goes for so I am stressed. everything is up in the air. So we have this great offer at work but it may causes issues for me. I'm sure we will sort something out but i feel like everything is such hard work, especially as i have had to take days off due to the covid tests, now this afternoon off thing and no heating.

    Feel like everything is on top of me.

  27. CMF
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    30 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    Forgot to mention, cos I didn't get the 2nd email, the 1st email sounded like our hours were being cut. Not something I want to hear when I have no heating. Also I messaged M as his friend installs split systems. I didnt call as I know he has meetings after work and he has an essay to complete but I thought he'd call me about the heating and he didn't. He may be under press, I don't u
  28. CMF
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    30 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    He may be under pressure, I don't know, but if I knew my partner had no heating and was asking about my friend who can fix or replace it, I'd call them. If hate the thought of my partner sitting in a cold house. I'd at least ask if they have a small heater,but I got nothing. If I find out he went out cycling I'll be peeved. I do think he may just be really busy but still, he could spare 5 mins for a phone call?
  29. CMF
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    30 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    I was in such a happy place today, now I hate the world.
  30. CMF
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    31 July 2020 in reply to CMF
    M didn't realise I couldn't use the heating at all.

    But I'm just done with some people. I'm done with little miss dad who pretty much said if she doesn't want to go with him he won't force her, just cos she didn't want to play tennis. She says some things are too hard,he pushes her as if she is gonna be a tennis star. He doesn't spend time with her cos he wants to, seems he does it cos he wants her to be what he wants. I'm so upset. Maybe I'll yell him not to bother. He is a control freak and causes issues everywhere. He w wants to give up on her just cos she didn't want to play tennis. Claims he has no time to himself cos he picks her up for tennis but she's not interested. He s deluded, a sook cos he can't make her do what he wants just cos he couldn't be a tennis star.

    Maybe I'll tell him not to bother. She doesn't need him.

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