I can perfectly understand that paranoia! I often have that fear!

What a lovely compliment to have received....

Come on Quercus, how would your mom know that you are writing on BB? And more to the point why does it matter? Sometimes messages out of the blue feel a like a lightening strike. Accept that you are gorgeous, we all think so.

And for an unbiased opinion ask your husband. 😊

I said We have bad patches that have nothing to do with depression. Not everything in life has to do with depression or mental illness in general. Sometimes life simply sucks. You have the tools and insight to see this and get on with what needs to be done. I'm saying don't put everything down to depression.

Mary

Hi Quercus,

Ha I to have that same thought that everyone I know is reading my thread, so much so that I always double check I haven't signed my real name. As usual White Rose's comment gave me a virtual shake, " how would they know ? and "who cares- love you White Rose.

Take compliment Quercus as you deserve it

Be kind to yourself

Stressless ( yep checked 3 times)

Hi everyone,

Wow. I wasn't fishing for compliments I swear! But thank you all the same 😊 Also it was nice to hear both the empathy (ta Stressless and TA) as well as the needed reality check!

Annie45 I read your post today and am feeling you! Even if I don't have anything helpful to write at this moment. I hope things get easier for you soon.

I came on here ready to whinge my heart out and have a pity party of one haha. Thank God Mary for you and your uncanny way of knowing the exact words to say.

Not everything in life has to do with depression

I'm going to frame those words and put them on my fridge! Oh my goodness do I need to remember them.

So mental shift time. Any mum even without depression would have lost her mind in my shoes lately. When hubby gets home and tells me off for rewarding bad behaviour and letting them go feral I will say yep you're right. But you would have come home to a trash heap and a wife bashing her head against a wall or locked in the toilet sobbing so deal with it. I'll try again ar being a good mum tomorrow. Today I give up.

Thanks Mary. I desperately needed those words today. You might all be strangers but my goodness I think you're all gorgeous too.

Right. Off to see my friends for a chat and cuppa and a play date for the kids as planned.

Regardless of the toothpaste and soap I've just spent 4 hours cleaning up from the entire house. And the amount of laundry hanging up. I'm going to stuff the kids full of cake and reward the milk all over the couches. Because I've had enough and am not up to punishing myself by spending the entire day alone with the kids I cannot stand at this moment losing my mind and angry. Yay for me. Pity party is no longer in session. Bring on the cups of tea. All 50 of them.

Thanks ladies. You are a godsend xoxox

Not everything in life has to do with depression

Mary, Quercus, so true and such a timely reminder. I was thinking of you both when someone special reminded me:

We all hurt, we all cry, we all feel lost, afraid, lonely and sad at times. To deny this is to deny the very emotions that make us human....

So Quercus - after all that cleaning of toothpaste and soap, you really can say you have a clean house!!!

I hope today is a better day for you.

As always

TA

Hi Quercus,

I am sure she genuinley meant you are beautiful. Sorry i haven't caught up on your thread properley but i hope you are getting through the days ok. I am thinking of you.

Cmf x

Hi All

Timely reminder indeed

Not everything has to do with depression

What did I blame before I knew I had depression?

sometimes life just sucks and sometimes it just is so sweet - a shoutout to my gorgeous grandson who miss every day

Be kind to your selves

Stressless

Hi TA and Stressless and CMF!

All of your responses have helped today each in a different way...

TA... I read your words with the posts from your thread about suicide and self harm in the back of my mind. Funny how today I can see in myself that yes the kids are just being irritating little kids (not related to depression) yet I am overreacting and exploding in almost rage at the stupidest things (and that is the depression speaking because it's not managed properly right now). And related to your thread... I'm quietly working through my safety plan. Keep the kids safe from my anger (priority number one) and know when I have had enough and need to take action and ask for help.

It sucks but that is the reality of my depression. Yep I feel like a crap mum but at least I'm doing my best and the kids are safe and so am I. It's a horrible feeling in the back of my mind thinking if this is my life what's the point. But it's tempered by self awareness... I have major depression. I won't always feel this way. The meds will kick in eventually. I just have to work through my steps. Keep safe. And keep watch for the warning signs within me that I need to take action. Sigh. It sucks. Ultimate suckage.

And Stressless.... You mentioning your love of your Grandson 😊 my friend had a baby last night. I saw her photo and the sweet sweet look of two smitten proud new parents. The look of complete joy and terror all new parents have haha. You reminded me to focus on the joy. It is there. Even in my ferals. I just have to pull my head out and LOOK. Thank you.

And CMF.... You reminded me I have people who love me warts and all. That if it gets too much I can pick up the phone and ask for help and they will come. I'm ok. I will be ok. Sigh. Sorry for the messed up post. I really appreciate your reply CMF. Am thinking of you too and hoping you can get back to the good place in your garden enjoying yourself. And in the confident mood so you can take in your resume at last and realise you have so much to offer others even if you aren't seeing it right now.

Take care of yourselves please. I really think you are all so important and worthwhile people. Wish I'd come onto the forums so much earlier and met you all when I was in utter despair so I could have learned from you all earlier 😊

Quercus

Thank you for the compliment, it really made my yesterday.

I am a bit brain dead today.

Mary

Hey Mary,

I know the feeling (brain dead).

I just lost the plot completely. I am such a failure as a mother. I can't stand my kids. They are so angelic to everyone else.

I tried walking away. They put every single toy on the floor.

I put the toys in the bin. They started dragging stuff out of the freezer.

I went and locked myself in the bathroom. They dumped all their clothes all over the floor.

I gave them food. They start smearing it everywhere and screaming at me for water instead.

So like the two year old I threw the water bottles on the table. They bounced and smashed the window.

I send them to wash their hands while I clean up and we have a repeat of yesterday. Soap all over the floor.

So they go in the bath. Again. And I clean. Again. And my house looks like a tip. Again. And hubby just washed the floors and they are a mess. Again.

I'm such a liar. Look at the posts today. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. How many times can I say it till it feels true.

My husband is going to lose his mind at me. We're supposed to be making a card for his dad's bday which was yesterday and I forgot it. Instead he'll come home to this. God he should just leave me.

I felt like I could do this. How arrogant of me. I won't pick up the phone for help because that means letting people see how hopeless I am. They know it anyway I suppose. They'll take the kids to "give me a rest" and I'll feel like the worst mum. What kind of mum hates her kids? I really do. I love them and will stay alive for them whether I like it or not. But I'll clean and clean and clean and loathe them for it. Right back at uni cook clean little useless pet thats all you're good for.

Useless. Waste of space. Bringing everyone down. I shouldn't even post this. I'll just make your day even harder.

My dear Quercus,

I feel your pain, I understand your hatred, I understand your frustration.

When my kids were young I used to march them to the neighbours house so I wouldn't kill them as they frustrated me that much. I also handed them in at the hospital for the same reason. We were sent to parenting classes which changed our lives completely. I don't remember the details, but I do remember they made a huge difference to the way we coped. Perhaps the local hospital or community centre can advise you if anything like that is around? It doesn't mean you are a bad parent, it just means you are at the end of your tether.

Can your husband take a couple of days off work, or could you get a babysitter in to give you a break for a few hours? Could you install a lock on a door to keep them confined to a smaller area so they destroy a more manageable portion of the house?

Remind me - how old are they again? Will time out work for them?

Good on you for keeping them safe while you are in this state. Now it's time to keep you safe.

TA x x

Hi Quercus,

You are not a liar or a bad mother you are just like all modern day women trying to be the 'perfect' wife, mother, lover, friend etc etc . NEWS FLASH !!! It isn't possible and anyone that say it is is lying or deluding themselves. Something has to give when you are trying to achieve the impossible standards you set yourself , let alone when you have major depression.

Please don't take this as being condescending as I am just offering you some experience based hints. Don't clean up every time they make a mess. What is the point ? So what if the floors are a mess , or toys on the floor. They're kids. They make mess.

Try making a game of cleaning up - say an hour before dad due home, everyone has their own box/ crate and collects their toys and put in box. Create a star chart and reward their good behaviour and try to ignore the bad- sure you have to have rules, but honestly for the sake of your sanity just ignore some of the mess and try to create fun times to wear them out.

Cooking together is great- they get to make some controlled mess, and also have some cookies or cakes to give dad. I'm sure your hubby who seems to be very understanding, would be more than happy to overlook some messiness and come home to a happy wife and tired and happy kids ???

My friends daughter recently created a mess zone - They converted one wall into a blackboard and the kids could go to town- only on that wall otherwise chalk was confiscated. Outside an arts and crafts zone, complete with their own aprons ( name on ) , some cheap tables/ chairs with lots of paints, drawing, pasting whatever they liked- again controlled mess and at the end numerous art works to decorate fridge, or as you mentioned birthday cards or get a jump on Christmas cards and decorations.

What I'm trying to say here is there are lots of things worse than a messy house- who cares ?? If all else fails , do a tidy when they go to bed - 1 tidy once a day , but I would encourage them to take responsibility but you need to make it fun- kids love rewards !

You are doing great - cut yourself some slack

Go onto TA's "What do you fear today ' in Anxiety and join our circle of trust and friendship- there are lots of people waiting to catch you

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

Hi Quercus

young kids are hard work. Just when you think you've got them figured out they turn around and change. The good news is that they get easier. Right now they are soooooo needy there is no time for you.

People will tell you that you simply schedule so you time into your week - yeh fat chance!!

Right now we are in the middle of winter so we can't just go down to the park (my youngest was a bolter so that was never the most relaxing exercise anyway).

If they are like my kids then put a jacket and beanie on them and send them outside. Mine go stir crazy inside so if it's not raining I encourage outside play. They get wet because they play with the hose, they get muddy - but hey that's what knart clthes are for. But it helps. They don't get sick, they have fun and it occupies them while i have just a tiny weenie mum time.

On particularly horrible days there is the local play center - not the big flash one but the crappy one that noone goes to. It's cheap and not crazy busy.

You're not a liar- you're just trying your best. Your post hasn't brought me down- it just makes me feel more human. That there are other mums out there that struggle.

Hang in there. Tomorrow is a new day. They will probably draw you a beautiful picture just to mess with you. Just be sure you put the sudocream away - that's tough to clean up!

Dear Quercus~

Trying to deal with kids is incredibly hard at times, and it is something that would tax two acting as a team. By yourself it's just not going to be a neat controlled world. I remember walking around the showground in the middle of the night just to try to regain my temper, I remember so many occasions when things were unbelievable.

There is a game at fairgrounds called 'Wack a Mole'. not a very PC name I admit. It consists of little wooden animals popping out of holes at random, the idea being to wack them all as they appear. It's rigged so you simply can't.

Sometime I think the designer must have been a parent.

I felt a failure and guilty at the time, looking back from very many years later I see offspring grown and doing ok. I - and my partner - were human, not superhuman, and survived. What more can one ask? Our love survived too, and from what you have said in the past, yours is in no danger either.

Telling people you are OK is something we all do. I can't put my biggest fears in TA's thread of What Do You Fear Today in case they may bring someone I'm talking to down. I do admit how I am to myself and my psych. It's a matter of proportion, responsibility. I know some would say I'm silly doing that. Well maybe.

In your case trying to put on a brave face is fine, and to be realistic about it you do let the real feelings out eventually, so don't worry.

The pendulum will swing back towards the sunshine (and hopefully get stuck there:)

Croix

Quercus,

my little one makes a mess and sometimes I am too tired to clean up so I just leave it. When I have the energy I do a big clean up. I like Stressless' ideas. You can't be everything to everyone all the time. Sometimes you need to let some things go.

Hi everyone,

I'm ovewhelmed by your responses. Thank you all. I will write more tomorrow but I'm shattered today.

The kids drive me nuts and hubby is a bit OCD about cleaning which is difficult but today was a combination of triggers that set me off into panic attack central. Mentally I was elsewhere without realising it.

I worked it out when hubby got home. I couldn't make eye contact. Kept waiting for a reaction that wasn't his. I was on eggshells when he got home. Made him a fancy dinner to apologise for being useless. Actually opened my mouth and apologised for being a useless burden. He was stunned. Felt sick to my stomach when I realised what was happening.

We talked a lot. About how since I've started remembering "stuff" I feel really disgusted and confused. I talk to the psych every week about the ex and part of me feels dirty and sick for bringing it up. I felt ashamed that I mixed up my husband and the ex in my head and was frightened of my husband.

He said I am expecting too much of myself. That my meds haven't kicked in yet for one and that I've only had 6 sessions to talk about stuff I'd buried for 10 years. That I can't expect myself to just get over it and move on.

That if I'm still using words like pathetic and burden and worthless to describe myself I need to talk to the psychiatrist about this because it is a real problem and that I'm none of those things.

You're all right. Tomorrow is another day. I'll try again. I've got plans with friends for a park to keep me busy. Psychiatrist in the evening. I will be alright.

Thank you everyone xox

Oh I probably should have put this part first....

Mary I hope you are ok.

You sounded really upset in the other thread and I am worried about you. Don't think I have ever seen you write like that.

Sorry if I have just made you even more stressed and upset today. I am thinking of you even in my muddle 😊.

I hope we can both start fresh tomorrow and have a better day. Please take care of yourself. And if you feel like talking I will be here for you too.

Quercus - I was going to say I hope you got a good night's sleep last night but then noticed your last post around 3am. How are you today?

Your husband makes a lot of sense, and it is wonderful you have that support. 6 visits is never enough is it? You are still building trust at that stage, still uncovering and not yet started the healing. It will get better.

It is a shame that you are scared of hubby's response to a messy house. Could you work out something where you both spend half an hour in the evenings cleaning up together? A problem shared......

Anyway, just wanted to wish you sunshine and serenity today, and good luck with your visit tonight.

As always

TA

Hi Quercus
I hope that you're feeling better today.

I don't hate my kids...but I resent them a lot of the time. I think I hate being a stay at home mum. I don't like failing at things, but when the black dog is around I feel as though I am failing as a stay at home mum. The dog points out all the obvious flaws - the mess, the dirty dishes, the piles and piles and piles and piles of laundry. It makes me feel inadequate, unaccomplished, useless.

But is this how I would judge other mums? not at all. You said your kids are angelic when around others - that sounds like your doing ok in the parenting stakes. They sound as though they have respect for others, a good moral compass and are well adjusted. Don't let the dog distort your priorities. Maybe the house is messy - but that's not because you're failing as a mum - it's simply because your kids messed it up.

I too am such a liar. The above sounds sane, good words of advice. But while I can spit out all the right things to say, it doesn't mean that I follow my own advice. As you know I'm all for denial, just ignore the problem exists and hope it goes away. Pretend everything is normal because I'm too scared to acknowledge the truth. It's not premeditated lying - it's just survival mode. Fight or flight. Don't beat yourself up and don't undervalue your contributions on these forums by using that word.

You are special. You are trying your best. You are definitely appreciated

Hi TA,

Haha no don't stress I'm on westy time so it was midnight for me. I got sleep. Am ok today (made plans and got out of the house which always helps).

I felt really crap about my reaction yesterday. Hubby is a clean nut but he's not really one to judge. Yeah he'll come in and sigh but then we put the kids in for tv time and clean up together. So yesterday threw me. I wasn't right in the head. I thought he was going to act like my ex would have even though hubby is nothing like that. It was confusing and weird.

Am going to talk to the psych about it tonight. Hubby thinks it's just me finally dealing with memories. But I felt horrible and wrong.

Thanks TA. I hope you find some peace today too. Take care ok. I wrote on your thread and put the address for the BB safety plan I hope you can look into it.

Hi Annie45,

Your post really makes sense to me. It's hard being a stay at home mum let alone introducing depression into the mix. We just do what we can hey 😊.

I feel alright today. Kept busy and working through some of my thoughts. Kids have been happy today too. Sometimes I think they just act up when I'm not coping just to get my attention even banshee screeching is attention I suppose.

Hubby said the same as you our kids are good kids and seeing as they don't go to daycare or anything that's predominantly to my credit he thinks.

I just have to get back up and keep moving forward. Reassess my supports. And try again. Today it feels doable. I'm going to ask for another shift off work just to settle myself until the meds start working. It is ok.

How are you? Did you talk to your counsellor or GP about meds or still on the fence? Not meaning to pressure you ok. Hope your day is a bit easier today too.

Hello me...

Yeah sorry everyone this is just my reminder for myself because I need to remember this.

Therapy was weird? good? helpful? painful? embarrassing? honest? hurtful? All of these.

I understand transferrance as the development of a doctor/patient relationship with enough trust that you start acting towards the doctor as you would a trusted family member. He said I was doing this. And pointed out what he observed. It was hard to hear. I think I already knew it.

These are some of his observations of me...

• I am subservient especially to men
• I am apologetic constantly
• I apologise for wasting people's time
• I act like my feelings dont matter
• I appease others
• I don't know what I like
• I act like my opinion doesn't matter
• I make light of situations that have upset me
• I forgive others even when they don't deserve it
• I make excuses for people's behaviour
• I am not angry when others probably would be
• I blame myself unnecessarily

There was more. All of them accurate. And difficult to hear.

​It goes deeper than the abusive relationship. That just cemented my crappy view of myself.

It is easy to throw all the blame onto the horrible ex because he hurt me obviously enough that even I can't forgive or ignore what he did. When the psychiatrist tries to ask about my childhood it's either positive responses or I change the subject back to the ex. Because it is ok for me to be angry at him. He's not in my life anymore.

My childhood had some pretty horrible experiences along with the good.

My 'default' view of myself that I learnt as a child and young adult is that I am worthless.

This is hard to accept because I know my family love me and they are just human beings who arent perfect either. But what I have learnt through the experiences of my life is that I don't matter.

I'm not sure how to work through this.

The psychiatrist said building self esteem is necessary. So I need to keep trying.

I will start trying again tomorrow. Tonight I'm tired and disappointed in my family even though it doesn't change that I love them and forgive them and don't want to be angry there's no point they are only human just like me.

I'm going to write out my list in full. What I would do if I had self esteem. I have a few things I have been working on but I think to get to the heart of what's happening with me I need to work out...

• What I want out of my life
• What I like and enjoy
• What are my priorities
• Is there anything I want or need to talk to my family about?

Hello Quercus

Thank you for your kind thoughts. It's been an eventful week complete with huge shocks, lots of anger and despair. No need to give you the gory details. I'm hoping they will resolve satisfactorily otherwise I may go permanently nuts.

I have been busy going hither and yon so it's been early nights for me. I have a psych appointment in the morning which I am hoping will help. I go to bed tired and flake out only to wake in the small hours and write on BB. I know the weather in Brisbane is not particularly cool but I cannot seem to get warm without many layers of clothes. I feel like a walking wardrobe.

I noticed you are still berating yourself at projecting your emotions from the ex onto your husband. Be kind to yourself. You had an enormous breakthrough in your thinking and reliving your memories. It was huge and brought you joy with the realisation. But it still takes time to replace these memories with happier times. Sadly these old things pop up without being invited or wanted. Mostly I suspect from being tired. So enough sleep and general rest, walk away from the children before they drive you to distraction and read Stressless' and Annie's posts again. They have some great ideas.

I'm going back to bed now to get warm and hopefully sleep. Hopefully I can talk later.

Mary

Hey Quercus

Reading your ost was liking reading my own- as you know we have very similar issues- slightly different histories but same end result

Like you I am struggling so no new advice except to say pop onto TA's thread in Anxiety ' what do u fear today ' and join the circle of support and friendship there

just like our Shaky Foundations Club also Blonde guy has a thread about

'do you love yourself '

In addition to the support I get from the Shaky Foundations Club these thread are giving me much to think about

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

Hey White Rose

so sorry to hear you've had an appalling week and hope your psych appt helps today

Dont forget us here at the SFC are here to support you and over at TA 's thread the circle is growing and getting stronger with many hands giving you a soft place to land

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

Hello Quercus

Your post, the one above my last post, had not reached the forum when I replied to the post before that one.. Does that sound muddled?

Like most of us I can relate to many of the observations you have listed above.

I am subservient especially to men. So am I and it's because of our past experiences.

I am apologetic constantly. I used to do this but now it has dropped to often - still a work in progress.

I apologise for wasting people's time. Sometimes but not very noticeably. I think it happens appropriately these days.

I act like my feelings don't matter. Definitely was me but I'm not sure these days. I also tend to speak out more.

I appease others. This is a tricky for me. I do think it's a hurdle to need to get over.

I don't know what I like. No, I have my own ideas but I rather suspect I was willing to give them up to appease others.

I act like my opinion doesn't matter. Was true but I'm getting better at standing my ground. I hope I can do this gracefully.

I make light of situations that have upset me. Again was one of mine. Starting to let people know I am upset but got a way to travel on this.

I forgive others even when they don't deserve it. Deserving forgiveness does not come into the equation. We forgive others so that we are not carrying the burden of hate. It's a way of letting go our anger, hurt etc. The other probably does know or care he/she has been forgiven and it doesn't matter.

I make excuses for people's behaviour. Not usually, I just consider those who behave badly are rude. Don't care what problems they have. Courtesy is always necessary.

I am not angry when others probably would be. Oh yes, a biggie there. My GP is always telling there are situations when it's OK to be angry. Getting better at working out the difference.

I blame myself unnecessarily. Well when everyone else is perfect who else is there to blame? 😊

I have been away from the forums just lately, not long. It's been rather a traumatic week and I am trying to forget and/or decide what to do. There is so much anger and hurt and I'm not sure which is the biggest bit. I have been reading posts but could not bring myself to reply. And it's not your fault. Appointment with my psych this morning which may help.

Mary

Mary - so sorry to hear it's been such a bad week for you. I do hope your appointment this morning helps you sort through it.

Quercus - like Mary, I too can relate to all those as well. They sound like the questions used in the Young schema questionare. My psych is currently doing schema therapy with me to try and reverse some of this thinking. It's been there for a long time though, so, like Mary, will be a work in progress.

You are a good person. Your needs are as important as everyone else's. We will beat this.

TA