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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

Topic: Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

  1. Fiasco
    Fiasco avatar
    187 posts
    9 May 2017 in reply to Quercus
    Swap you a 4 years old and a 5 year old? 😜
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Fiasco
    Fiasco avatar
    187 posts
    9 May 2017 in reply to Quercus
    I hide in my car in the garage! Just if I need a break from the screaming. My awful neighbour called the police once because of 'children screaming'. My 2 year old at the time was having sometimes 10 seizures a day, so yes, she was screaming and distressed!
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  3. Fiasco
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    187 posts
    9 May 2017 in reply to Quercus
    ❤️
  4. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3546 posts
    9 May 2017 in reply to Fiasco

    Hi Fiasco,

    I really shouldn't but I had to have a chuckle about the neighbours calling the cops. I can just imagine them rocking up to our house and me answering the door in my pajamas at 5 in the afternoon and saying unless you're here to enfore the consumption of vegetables rule get lost! Haha.

    Oh the joys of kids. And no thanks I'm pretty sure they get harder as they grow up. At least I like Paw Patrol 😊

  5. Guest_3712
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    2003 posts
    9 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    I have responded to you on my thread To tell or not to Tell but just wanted to echo what White Rose had said. Don't worry about triggers on my behalf I mean I have so many I wouldn't be able to look at any posts if I got upset at everything, Besides look at how many of us have come together through these different but oh so same threads,

    I think the thing that constantly amazes me is finding other people understand what have been and am still going through because as you know when you are in the grip of depression and anxiety you feel so alone like no-one could possibly get it and then you read someone's story and its like reading your own/

    Like I said before You are a gutsy lady and one day maybe I too can say I did it and all went well. Time will tell

    Take care

    Stressless

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Guest_3712
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    2003 posts
    9 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Your comments as usual gave me pause to reflect on why we do what we do here. I get confused a lot by my motives . Sometimes I just need to vent and know you and others like White Rose are listening with a calmness that often alludes me.

    Other times I read posts like Quercus and Fiasco 's and think , oh no I am so sorry they are going through this and while I feel in no way qualified to give advice given my dismal track record, I feel compelled to share my experience in the hope that maybe they wont repeat my mistakes or if something did work for me that it might for them . Other times and I am loathe to admit it, it gives me a much needed break from focussing too much on my own stuff. But now Ive said that bit out loud it smacks of double standards . How can I encourage others to take on board anything I say ? Does that make sense?

    Like I said in my post to Fiasco re hospital stays, it was a safe place to be just like here and largely due to the non- judgemental support offered by you and the other champions. And now dear Croix I am going to end this whatever it is without even re - reading it so if it is totally incoherrant which I expect is the xase then I apologise in advance

    Take Care

    Stressless

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3546 posts
    10 May 2017 in reply to Guest_3712

    Hi everyone 😊

    Stressless: thankyou your reply means a lot to me. I think it's funny how what you see as gutsy I see as selfish (getting help because I can't bear pushing my loved ones away anymore).

    Well... Tonight is the night. Psychotherapy begins. I'm not sure how I feel. Probably just building it up too much in my mind. I'm going to give a new medication a go as well. Have been really angry and anxious lately and can't focus on much.

    Tomorrow I'm going to the block for a day of gardening with my kids so I've got plans just in case I fall apart. I think it will be ok.

    I really want to get all of this poison out of my system. I find toxic little memories escape from the box in my head from time to time and make me feel like crap even though I've moved on and have a new life. I suppose I want to empty the box and burn the damn thing like I did to all his letters and gifts when I finally left him.

    He is not going to control how I feel about myself anymore. He's not going to poison my marriage and how I see my husband.

    I chose to marry my husband because I love him and he loves me. I love looking at my wedding ring every single day because it shows my choice. The beauty and joy of that overshadows the horrible feelings of being forced to wear a 'wedding ring' to show my ex's ownership of me to other men. So that's my plan. I'm going to let the good of my present be my focus. I can't change the past but I can choose to live in the present.

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  8. CMF
    blueVoices member
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    CMF avatar
    8728 posts
    10 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Quercus, i love this

    'I chose to marry my husband because I love him and he loves me. I love looking at my wedding ring every single day because it shows my choice. The beauty and joy of that overshadows the horrible feelings of being forced to wear a 'wedding ring' to show my ex's ownership of me to other men. So that's my plan. I'm going to let the good of my present be my focus. I can't change the past but I can choose to live in the present.'

    So beautiful and heartfelt. You are an inspirational, beautiful woman

    cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  9. ro63
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    327 posts
    10 May 2017 in reply to CMF
    Hi Quercus ,you are definately not being selfish ,you need to take care of yourself too I hope the psychothereapy goes well ,and have a great time in the garden just make sure to plant some good memories when you are there ,and bury the box of poison you don't need it anymore ,Be well, Ross.
    3 people found this helpful
  10. Guest_3712
    Guest_3712 avatar
    2003 posts
    10 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Hope all went well with your session . You are definitely not selfish although I do understand your thinking. You getting well is not only good for you but a bonus to those who love and support you

    Take Care

    Stressless

    1 person found this helpful
  11. The Abyss
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    352 posts
    11 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus, just dropped in to see how you are. How did the therapy session go last night?

    The sun is shining here and I am working inside with the sun streaming through the windows. (Hmmm, wait, actually, I should be working but have detoured to BB again! Oh well, there is always tomorrow!) I am thinking of you in your garden, attacking the stubborn ground, burying the poison and using it for compost to grow the most beautiful plants. I'm imagining tallness and colour, and an area of peace and tranquillity. I'm imagining little girls with grubby hands and grubbier faces, the smile lighting up their eyes as they play in the dirt, "helping" mummy dig and plant. I am imagining the bounty of your labours, and how good you will feel tonight, physically tired but renewed. Did you have a good day at the block? I hope so.

    I do hope things were a little sunnier for you today Quercus.

    Take care

    TA

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  12. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    11 May 2017 in reply to The Abyss

    You know Quercus I am never disappointed in your comments. I understand compliments make you uncomfortable because you feel unworthy. Well join the club. I was discussing this very thing recently with someone who said exactly the same thing. Now this is a lady with lots of skills and a very senior job who you would think would be used to this. It's not just us little people. Her comment was, just say thank you. Someone has said something nice because they believe it. We need to realise someone with a more objective view can see you have done something good. And it's true. Quercus, you dun good.

    How did your session go and your day at the block? Both productive I hope.

    Sorry not to be around the past few days. My aches and pains came back when I stopped taking pain killers, so I have stopped being 'brave' and started taking them again. I went to the psychiatrist today and we discussed asking for help, who from, when we need to stop etc. It was very reassuring. As you said, the past has gone and we cannot change it. I will add that we can learn from it and understand how it has affected our present.

    Just remembered this quote. 'Yesterday is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why we call it the present'. I hope I got it right.

    what you see as gutsy I see as selfish (getting help because I can't bear pushing my loved ones away anymore). Can you change your thinking on this to reflect that you are getting help because you want to stop pushing your loved ones away. How is this selfish? It's a reasonable thing to do. Selfish is going your own way without a care for your family. It's called substituting negative thoughts for positive thoughts.

    I hope to catch up soon.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3546 posts
    11 May 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Everyone,

    Thank you all so much for your support. It means so much to me.

    Mary and TA and CMF and Ross and Stressless it was humbling to see your responses this morning. To be honest I wasn't up to replying so I replied to other posts for a while.

    Psychotherapy was... Amazing? Horrible? Intense? Cathartic? Painful? Cleansing? Confusing? All of these? More? I have no idea. But I'll keep going. I think it is the best thing I've ever done for myself. It's necessary. And I was ready for it after all this time.

    An hour of sitting on a couch talking to a dark maroon painted wall. A quiet voice behind me. Such an odd feeling but strangely liberating. The words just poured out. I swore a lot. Didn't cry at all surprisingly. Hands shaking. Pale when I stopped speaking. And so incredibly liberated. And relieved.

    When I got home hubby made me a cuppa and we sat out in the cold and dark sipping tea and talking. I told him more than I told the psychiatrist. Told him so he could understand properly. All the horrible detail. And he wasn't disgusted. He'd already guessed most of it just had been waiting for me to choose to talk about it.

    So there is relief. Mary you were so right about that. But there's also a lot of raw emotion.

    I'm changing meds so am in a bit of a bad place at the moment. It will get better. The new meds are stronger apparently. And I'll talk.

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  14. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    11 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus

    Absolutely well done. Yes it's hard but as you have already discovered, the rewards can be enormous. I am particularly impressed that you were able to finally tell your husband about the past. Together you can now move forward and be absolutely certain of your love for each other.

    Not much to say except congratulations. No doubt we will catch up later. Now I am going to my exercise class.

    Mary

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  15. james1
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    james1 avatar
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    11 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus,

    A quick "Good on you!!" from me - sorry mega ill at the moment with the flu so I'm fuzzy as, but it sounds like the session was tough...but the good kind of tough.

    James

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  16. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
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    11 May 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    I was a bit stuck in my own head yesterday but you were so so right to encourage me to stick with the psychiatrist so thank you 😊

    How are you feeling now you're back on the painkillers? It's good that you are taking them. It's absolutely awful being in pain all the time. Hope you're enjoying your class what sort of exercise is it?

  17. Quercus
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    12 May 2017 in reply to james1

    Hi James,

    Sorry to hear you're sick. Hope you're all rugged up drinking soup and resting!

    Good kind of tough

    I like that expression. Very appropriate. It was exactly like that. A good workout for my mind 😊

    Take care of yourself James.

  18. Croix
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    12 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus

    You now have the three most important things in the world to help you.

    Your own character and strength, that of your husband, and now your relationship with the psych and your ability to use it.

    While I don't imagine the path will always be a smooth one I really feel good and full of hope for you when reading your last few posts.

    Croix

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  19. Quercus
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    12 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Thank you Croix that means a lot to me.

    How are you holding up? You've been very quiet lately. Are you alright? Hopefully it's just been that Sumo cat has taken to sleeping on the keyboard but if you need to talk we're all here 😊

  20. Guest_3712
    Guest_3712 avatar
    2003 posts
    12 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Just wanted to add my congrats to everyone else's. Yes it is so liberating and mind relieving to finally to tell someone all of that stuff we manage to hide away. Good on you ! Each session will hopefully bring you more and more answers, learn things about yourself and others and learn how to live with the past but live in the present and look forward to the future.

    Plus you have your husband on board , this will only make your relationship stronger I'm sure - so happy for you.

    Take Care

    Stressless

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Guest_3712
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    2003 posts
    12 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Just echoing Quercus's concerns and hoping you are travelling ok .

    Take Care

    Stressless

  22. The Abyss
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    352 posts
    12 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus - just wanted to congratulate you for "letting it all out".

    Good luck with the new meds, and the new "journey"

    TA

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  23. ro63
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    12 May 2017 in reply to Quercus
    Hi Quercus ,so glad to hear your session went well and you got to unload lots of things that have been building up for so long ,they do have a way of really digging deep don't they ,sounds like a good therapist hope it continues to go well ,and best of all hubby on board and knows what is happening absolutely awesome so happy for you ,you take care All my best Ross.
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  24. Quercus
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    12 May 2017 in reply to ro63

    Wow! Talk about feeling grateful at the moment!

    Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support and for keeping me in a good frame of mind on a day easing off meds (bring on Sunday and the new ones!).

    I kept busy busy busy today. Too busy to think. Have been meaning to dig out and stack all the prickly acacia to burn once the fire restrictions end. Only one more days worth to go and we won't get the unpleasant surprise of a plant that feels like barb wire underfoot. I can see why they're the only thing the kangaroos don't touch.

    Plus I got a surprise... the plant I picked up at the native nursery the other day is declared vulnerable.

    Maybe the tag is wrong but I'll have to go ask and if they snagged some seed somehow then woohoo a carpet of scarlet lechenautias for me 😊. Told hubby I'm buying as many as we can afford hehe Happy Mother's Day to me 😊

    Enjoying my leave from work actually. Don't have to go get yelled at tonight. Am seriously thinking I'd like a shop of my own. My friend needs a job as a bookkeeper and I know a few people who have been made redundant while on Maternity leave (oh yeah the workplace is so mum friendly... Yep sarcasm there). Hmm will have to think on this. Any ideas? If you owned your own shop what would you sell?

    Hope you all have a great weekend. I'm taking the kids on a road trip to my parents and hubby is going fishing. I don't get reception so I'll speak to you all Tuesday at the latest. Take care of yourselves 😊

    PS Happy Mother's Day for Sunday xox

  25. Croix
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    12 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus and Stressless~

    Thanks for asking, as you noticed I'm a little quieter, basically I'm getting worn down (over)reacting to a situation outside the Forum that has been going on for a month. I hope to have it resolved in a week or so.

    Unfortunately I cannot be specific as it would be too much of a giveaway (Walruses are shy after all:)

    I find most of my coping mechanisms are short term, longer periods of stress I don't handle as well.

    Take care of yourselves

    Croix

  26. Quercus
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    12 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks for replying I was worried. Fingers crossed the week goes quickly and it's all sorted out.

    In the meantime hope you're taking good care of yourself. Walruses are pretty damn special after all 😊

    Hope to hear you back to feeling yourself again soon.

  27. Croix
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    13 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus~

    I've been a bit remiss - you have given two memories to

    Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

    since I last thanked you. The prickly kiss from you father with that black rubber boundary, but no boundary in who swims. And then that wonderful word painting of sensations from the love seat swinging, and thoughts of your Grandma.

    I'll be returning to that one in the next few day - more than once I think

    Thank you

    Croix

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  28. Guest_3712
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    2003 posts
    13 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Sorry to hear you 're not feeling the best - hope all works out ok

    Take Care

    Stressless

  29. ro63
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    13 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus, glad you are keeping busy and have had a bit of a boost ,with some time off which is always good enjoy your road trip and give your shop some thought, great idea working for yourself has it's advantages ,and hopefully you will come home to a big fish supper Be well ,Ross

    Hi,Croix , sorry to hear you are having a bit of a time of it at the moment ,hope it sorts itself out all the best ,Ross

  30. White Rose
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    13 May 2017 in reply to ro63

    Hello Quercus

    Sorry not to reply for a while. Yes I started taking pain killers again. I don't think they agree with me, at least not when I take them for several weeks. So having a few panic attacks which is really irritating as these have been few and far between for some years. I have been prescribed some relaxant type meds but reluctant to take them because they can be habit forming and the effectiveness wears off when taken frequently.

    You sound very cheerful in your last posts. Time off work is always great and getting your prickly acacia removed is a triumph. And what about your endangered plant. I moved a couple of plants or Tuesday. Or should I say my lovely gardener man moved them. I am enlarging a bed and decided to gradually add plants moving the edge further out. Easier to get rid of the grass that way. Then when it was done we had rain. Wonderful! Some of my ground cover plants have spread nicely so I have used bits to start another colony. I want to get a bougainvillea for the back/side fence where next door's cat sneaks in, in an effort to discourage him.

    My exercise class is general. It's run by an exercise physiologist and everyone has their own program. Only six people in the class, all women though that is coincidental. It's also a great social outlet catching up on what everyone has been doing, especially as I have been away for three weeks. We also have an informal book club where we discuss books we have read and give recommendations. It certainly makes the hour go quickly which is good as I really do not like exercise.

    So, opening your own shop. That's a huge project. My daughter has worked in the hospitality trade all her working life and managed a number of restaurants. Now she works for herself and has a teahouse. Teas of different size and magnificence and she cooks all the food herself. I have to say her scones are to die for. The teahouse is in a bush setting and is visited by whole flocks of Rosellas eager to eat her leftovers. I was there at Easter escorting my granddaughter to a chocolate high tea. Yummy.

    So what interests you about opening a shop? And what do you know most about? I think the two need to go together. Clothes/books/knick knacks/food of some kind/manicure-pedicure/ice cream. There's a whole world of goods out there. What about dog grooming?

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful

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