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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

Topic: Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

  1. Quercus
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    20 May 2017 in reply to annie45

    Hi Annie45,

    Music! I get you completely! Guaranteed way to de stress and calm down. What a good idea to have the playlist! I bet your kids love it! I had to laugh today when my son told hubby "we love Jon Bellion... He sings the mickey mouse song" with little one nodding along in agreement. My favourite song has a funny sound in it that sounds like a squeak hence the kid's name for it 😊

    I think it's great that you're a personal trainer. So important! I've always thought the trainers make or break a person's decision to walk into a gym or ask for help. Good on you for helping others! I haven't quite got motivated to do much besides working in my garden yet. But I will. Mind you I did say that two months ago as well.

    Glad to hear you're doing ok 70% is awesome 😊

  2. Quercus
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    20 May 2017 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Thanks for making me smile. I appreciate that. I can honestly say I'm good at forgiving people I care about (yay me!)... Now to just apply that skill to myself.

    And I'm really glad if my memory helped you approach one of yours in a different way. That memory was bittersweet... How I miss my Grandparents. But such a favourite of mine. Hubby and I were married in front of the same window and I remember winter sun coming out and the glass staining my dress like a rainbow. I knew even if only Grandad could be there with me in person that my Grandma was with me too. So I am thankful for your reply about that memory. 😊

    Hope you're feeling a bit better Croix.

  3. Quercus
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    22 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hello all 😊

    Nothing much to say today. Just thinking of you all and hoping you're all doing ok.

    I'm flat. Tired. All I want to do is sleep and eat since starting the new meds. Hopefully it's just a phase like how the last one gave me headaches at the start.

    I have to laugh the last tablets kept me awake (and I whinged) and now these make me tired (and I'm still here whinging) 😊.

    Oh well if it keeps the obsessive stuff at bay I suppose.

    I'm a bit worried about gaining weight though my joints aren't great as is. Hubby pointed this out tonight when I mentioned being starving and I felt like rubbish. He meant well worrying about my joints but now I'm just right back at "what's the point".

    What's the point if I have had to give up all sugar and restrict milk and carbs to avoid side effects from meds for my joints. I coped with that by allowing myself to eat more of the good stuff. If I'm not hungry I don't think about sugary food. And now the new meds mean another bloody diet restriction and feeling hungry. And did I mention I have always been a comfort eater?

    And then it just takes me back to uni. Not having anything to eat because the tosser invited his friends over and I only had enough money to get their food and alcohol. Arrgh. I hate this.

    And then the guilt. I resent my second pregnancy triggering this bloody disease. What kind of Mum resents her child?! I love my daughter but some days I watch everyone else eating bloody fruit and yoghurt and think what is the point. Man I have issues with food I think. Sigh.

    Anyway I'm fine. Just a bit over it tonight. Will have a cup of tea (bugger the almond milk I'm going the real deal tonight) and go to bed. It will look better in the morning.

    Take care everyone 😊

  4. Guest_3712
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    22 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus

    sorry you're feeling flat today and yes it sucks when you've got to be constantly monitoring what you eat

    ive always had weight issues but managed to keep it under control until I started taking all of these meds - put 30 kgs on over 5 years

    one of the main reasons I stopped my anti anxiety meds was because of the weight gain . But guess what 8 weeks since I stopped have lost very little

    so I get it when u say what's the point and now I also can't sleep .

    Quercus you don't resent your child you resent the disease so don't take on that extra guilt ok ?

    Enjoy your cuppa and have a good rest talk soon

    Take Care

    Stressless

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  5. ro63
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    22 May 2017 in reply to Guest_3712
    Hi Quercus ,sorry you are flat today ,And you sound like a pretty damm good mum to me ,it's ok to get anoyed sometimes you are human ,,my son is driving me up the wall at the moment ,we all feel resentment sometimes and it's perfectly normal ,it's as unfair as all hell ,but normal ,take some time for yourself and enjoy that tea ,and throw caution to the wind, and go full cream milk,Enjoy,best wishes Ross.
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  6. White Rose
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    22 May 2017 in reply to ro63

    Hello Quercus

    I keep apologising for not writing more often and I hope I am giving you some support. Feeling tired seems to be a constant whenever we feel unwell. I've got this and this and this and I am tired. Well that describes me at the moment. My GP is coming to the conclusion I have Fibromyalgia, such a happy thought.😊 From what I have read it seems a huge psychological shock can do this and I had such an experience a short while ago. Absolutely fell apart, then the pain started. No cure and it may be with me for life. Not a comforting thought. Anti-inflammatory drugs make me ill and strong pain killers send me to la la land. I suppose I had best get used to it.

    Sorry to hear you are not feeling the best. One solution. If one AD keeps you awake and one makes you sleepy, why not have a bit of both? No? Ah well, just a thought.

    Keeping to a diet, for whatever reason, is the pits. I am a comfort eater but managing a bit better these days. Put on heaps of weight. I find if I can stop eating sweet stuff for about four or five days the craving mainly disappears. If you are not hungry, don't eat. In 2001 when I first experienced depression I totally lost my appetite. I was still working then and decided I may pass out if I stopped eating so, no breakfast because no appetite, made a cheese sandwich for lunch and made myself eat it, back home no appetite so no meal. I lost 22kg before I started eating again. I very definitely could afford to lose this amount.

    I have to say I stopped having milk and sugar in my tea many years ago and I enjoy it more. Gave up sugar in coffee a while ago but cannot drink it black. I am trying to stick to the healthy stuff to eat but it's not easy to do. Still while my appetite is down as it is at the moment, maybe I can lose more weight. Yeeeaaay. 😊

    Have you spoken to a good dietician? I go to someone who is great. He talks about lifestyle, eating habits and food I like. Then we talk about how I can eat some of the food I like, what I need to eat and when, and how to stop bingeing. We drew up a list of activities I can do instead of eating and it is very useful. So the whole process is not about you can only eat this and MUST NOT eat that etc. He tells me he likes cheese and red wine so he adjusts his diet if he eats them. Part of the problem is that we feel deprived when we cannot eat what we like and that makes us cranky. The trick is to eat some favourites in small amounts while also eating the good stuff.

    Mary

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  7. Quercus
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    22 May 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    There's no need to apologise 😊 I'm always thankful for your advice and as you know follow your advice to Fiasco and Stressless so when you're helping them you're helping me haha.

    Fibromyalgia sounds horrible from what I've read about it (admittedly not much). What is the plan of attack? Is there much they can do? It's funny what the stress and shock can do to our bodies.

    I have been thinking of a dietician but to be honest I have done the elimination diet and I do know what I can and can't eat. Basically I can get away with milk in my tea and a few pieces of fruit (not grapes or melon) and that's the extent of the sugar I can tolerate. Any more and I get painful side effects.

    I really shouldn't complain cos I can still eat meat and veg and some carbs and nuts. But the thing is it was a choice between some horrible side effects or a restricted diet. I chose the diet but I hate it. I didn't ease into it and haven't worked out what to replace comfort eating with. It's not like I'm one of the people who have an interest in sugarfree or paelo or whatever fad diet is in. I just have to. And it sucks. Moderation isn't an option unfortunately or I'd be there 😊.

    To be honest it just feels like being controlled endlessly. When I was at uni the ex would drop me at the gym and say walk home you need the exercise. And constantly examine what I ate and my weight. I felt ok in myself before my second pregnancy and now when hubby comments on watching my weight I know he's justifiably concerned simply for my movement and joints but my hackles go straight up.

    Sorry Mary it's just a bad day. The kids are pushing every button imaginable. I'm just over it. Spent the day with my friend and the kids started screeching and fighting again the moment we got home. Just want some bloody chocolate sigh.

    I hope the docs can come up with some medication that doesn't make you sick. Maybe your physio will have more ideas now there is a diagnosis? Take care of yourself ok.

    PS thank you also Stressless and Ross for your support I really appreciate it. This will pass I know.

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  8. White Rose
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    22 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Sadly there is no cure for Fibromyalgia, or so I'm told. The best is that it goes away and may not return for a while. Or alternatively it may be something different and there is a cure. Actually my GP said there was a medication. It's the AD I am currently taking. You can imagine how I laughed. I'm hoping to get my blood test done tomorrow and see what it shows. Then I will have a good talk with the doc and make a plan.

    I know all about chocolate deprivation. Why I suggested a dietician is because the chap I talk to does not have set ideas about eating. He takes on board the can and cannot eat and works round it. He really has lots of knowledge about food etc but more importantly understands how frustrated we get when told constantly, "you can't eat that". Counting calories and all those other things just gets tedious and irritating.

    Yes, when someone tells me what to do I hackles go up. Food is a very emotive subject and is so personal. My ex told me he would buy me a bikini if I lost weight. I was so angry that if I had a bikini handy I would have thrust it down his throat. It felt as though he wanted a trophy wife. His encouragement of my diet was to say he wanted to eat all the things he was used, and which helped me put on weight, and I could cook a separate meal for myself. Not practical and definitely not helpful.

    Looks like we are both cranky tonight. Children are always angels when you are in public and little devils at home. It's bedtime. Goodnight and wake up refreshed in the morning.

    Mary

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  9. Guest_3712
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    23 May 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi White Rose & Quercus,

    Hope u don't mind if I respond to both at once. I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment as my moments of bravado are starting to wane, as my first psych appt in 2 months approaches on Thursday ( usually fortnightly)

    Anyway just had to respond as it seems we three have so much in common. White Rose Fibromyalgia is hard to diagnose as u would know, and hard to treat with probably the best outcome being managing the symptoms during the worst stages and taking advantage of the better days.

    At one time it was thought I had that too but it was later found I had Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. This is usually as a result of trauma and as it is primarily related to nerve damage also very hard to diagnose. At my worse I couldn't tolerate the feeling of a cotton sheet on my body such was the intensity of pain. In short the pain signals going to my brain were a bit haywire, and were not in direct response to actual pain.

    Again as it was not something you can see as such , even though I did have rashes and swelling of limb, it was hard to be taken seriously until I went to a Pain Management Specialist. This was really the start of a very long road to relieving my physical and ultimately mental pain. I wonder if this may be an option for you ?

    In my case it was a process of elimination. I tried implants, nerve blocks, tens machines , hydro therapy, medications, pretty much anything there was. Eventually in tandem with these treatments was the necessity to understanding my pain. There are some very good books out there about managing and/ or understanding pain.

    Quercus like you I have had food issues not as serious as yours but I think White Rose's suggestion of a dietician may be of help to you in understanding food in relation to your condition. Again the mind plays such an important role in our response to things. If we think we have to deprive our self of certain things we immediately approach with a negative mind set.

    If we look at the changes we have to make as a challenge or new experience , we have a chance to embrace it and not dread it. Easier said than done I know.

    Sorry I'm rambling but I am trying to distract myself too as I feel I 'm beginning to unravel a bit . Totally lacking in sleep - maybe 2-3hrs a night since stopping meds, and don't want to start on sleeping tabs. Losing objectivity about what I'm trying to do here.

    Hope u ladies feeling better

    Take Care

    Stressless

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  10. CMF
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    23 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Just dropping in to wish you a good day.

    Cmf x

  11. Quercus
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    23 May 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    How are you feeling? Have the tears subsided from earlier? I hope so. When I wrote that on Fiasco's thread I wasn't in a good place and as soon as I hit post regretted it.

    I'm back in the space of being stuck between the past and the present. And angry and defensive again. I just hate that the health conditions and everything around it remind me of the past. I hate having to remind myself that my husband isn't my ex. It's not fair on him.

    I'm tired. No patience for the kids and they are in a particularly difficult stage at the moment.

    I hope your blood test results show something useful and they can think of something to give you relief.

  12. Quercus
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    24 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    HOORAY! The fog and sleepiness has eased today! Maybe I'm adjusting to the new meds. Maybe it's just a good day. But thank goodness whatever the reason!

    In a really weird mood. Kind of aggressively positive. Like I feel like the anger I've directed internally has today gone to the correct place for once and I'm determined to do things just for me. I like it.

    Have worked out I've never really looked at what I like. Or what I want to do. Or made decisions just for myself. Have decided to start with my job. It's time to find a career just for me. Something that I find worthwhile regardless of what it pays and what anyone else thinks. Wish me luck? Maybe the wind will change and tomorrow I'll be my usual indecisive self.

    How are you today Mary? Just wondering if you're ok. No need to reply just know I'm thinking of you 😊

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  13. ro63
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    24 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,Wow no fog ,no sleepiness,and aggressively positive, Yaaaaaaaahhhhhh! take that every day, and twice on sunday right.find what you love ,do what you love ,and live what you love,all the luck in the world ,you go for it.

    glad your having a good day ,All my best Ross.

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  14. annie45
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    24 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Whoop whoop!! Great news.

    Yep, thinking of doing something that you enjoy sounds great. Heaps of options out there for a smart, lovely lady like you. I studied my fitness course while the kids were young - -really gave me a sense of self instead of just being xxs mum!

    All my fingers and toes are crossed that tomorrow is a cracker too.

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  15. CMF
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    24 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Quercus that's fantastic, wow I'm so happy for you.

    write it down, write how you feel so you can always look back on it and remind yourself that it is possible to feel good and have direction.

    cmf x

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  16. Quercus
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    25 May 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi Ross and Annie45 and CMF,

    It was a really lovely feeling to come online and see your replies. It meant a lot to me. Thank you.

    Psychotherapy confused me tonight. A lot. Embarrassed (hell yes) and confused. Not aggressively positive anymore. Positive but confused.

    I opened my mouth to tell about me deciding to quit my job and somehow ended up talking about sex for an hour straight.

    The psychiatrist said I had this fantasy of the perfect marriage, the perfect relationship in my head and whenever anything deviated from perfect it automatically became worse case scenario (hence me confusing the present with the past and getting triggered by my husband all the time).

    As soon as there is a criticism or problem it reminds me of the worst (of being put down and controlled and manipulated and raped). I don't seem to have shades of grey it's perfect or horrific nothing in between.

    He said he wonders if my job is the same. Because it's not perfect I'm making an impulsive decision.

    I'm so confused. On one hand it makes sense. When I drove home it made some sense. Then it just made me doubt myself and trust my mind even less.

    I told the psychiatrist it hit me a while after our daughter was born that I'm married to a man I love who has seen me at my absolute worst (vomiting on his shoes and screaming in pain) knows about the worst that has happened to me and loves me anyway. That I don't ever have to have sex with anyone else and I'll do what I have to to make our marriage work. I thought that was ok. A positive thing.

    I don't understand why that relates to being a fantasy? I'm not sure if I've just misunderstood what he was trying to say.

    Confused. And kind of sad. What's wrong with wanting the kind of marriage my grandparents had? Not all roses but a committment to eachother.

  17. White Rose
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Great news Quercus. Keep up the good work.

    Yes I have stopped crying. Got out of it while writing, such is the power of words.

    GP this afternoon, psychiatrist this morning. What a lucky girl. Big day yesterday and I am still tired. Will talk later.

    Mary

  18. blondguy
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Good Morning Quercus...as Mary Ross CMF and annie have said.....That is great news :-) and good on you too!!

    There is nothing better when our roller coaster goes back up for a change

    Paul

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  19. Fiasco
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Quercus I've been having similar thoughts today. I'm also wondering if I create the perfect world in my head, and then lose it when the real world doesn't match. I know I do sometimes. When I was I hospital in November I decided that I wanted to quit teaching and study nursing. I was so happy. But after a while of volunteering at a hospital, I realised that I'd built it up to be something it wasn't. For me, I need to realise that it's not realistic to expect that I'll love my job every second of every day. As long as i don't hate it for every second of every day lol! I know everyone is different and awesome world differently, but that's my perception. Perhaps you are also a bit of an idealist? I have beautiful ideals in my mind (eg what type of parent I want to be) - and when things don't follow that ideal, I sometimes feel like it's the end of the world. But then, the world keeps going, and something inevitably happens that makes me feel like it's all ok again.

    not sure if that makes sense. I was told a lot in hospital (when I was a patient) that I have unrealistic expectations of myself and the world. Perhaps it's not bad to have these expectation? As long as we can accept when things deviate....?

    hold on to that positive feeling. Xx

  20. Quercus
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    25 May 2017 in reply to blondguy

    Damn. After seeing all the positive replies I was hoping I hit delete on my last post. It didn't show up for ages was hoping it was lost.

    I'm fine just a bit frustrated and confused.

  21. Quercus
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Fiasco

    Thankyou Fiasco,

    That really does help me. I do the same. Build things up in my mind. Dream endlessly and never make decisions for myself. Avoid reality.

    I really don't like being brought back down to earth. I do understand I'm a bit airy fairy but I'd kind of accepted that was ok. Last night I think I just felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me and what I'd been feeling was all wrong.

    Then I saw your reply 😊

    Perhaps it's not bad to have these expectation? As long as we can accept when things deviate....?

    I think that's what the psychiatrist was trying to say. It's about recognising that things won't ever be completely perfect and that's ok.

    As to work... Hubby and the psych think I'll regret leaving leaving and financially it makes no sense. But I was upset because I felt trapped again. Yes I know there are good things about my job. But I hate it. I'm rubbish at it. There's a big push away from education and towards punishing people and that doesn't sit well with me. I'm confused about how everyone says do what you want to do and in the same breath says don't do this, that doesn't pay well, you won't be happy all the time at any job.

    I'm not completely unrealistic. I just know this job is doing me harm. I dread going. I spend the time at work on edge and waiting to be yelled at. And listening to staff complain. It's toxic. But there's this expectation to suck it up because it pays well and a job is a job. And the general consensus that I'm not competitive for another job because of my restricted hours, medical conditions (basically being a mum). It makes me feel worthless. And I thought I was getting beyond that feeling!

    Thank you Fiasco. You have really helped. I just need to think on this.

    I'm not worthless. I'm not. So they are wrong. Not me. Now just to figure out how that relates to my work...

  22. Fiasco
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Quercus
    Wait, you're a teacher too??? How did I miss that??? Am I right??? If so, then omg I relate!
  23. annie45
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus

    Changing career direction can be confronting and scary but also how will you ever know? Who wants to live with regrets hey?
    I've just come from a job interview this morning in a completely different field from pt. (nailed it by the way - the job is mine but who's bragging) Pt is my second career change so this makes it three - but who's counting. It's something that I've been thinking of for a while but only made the decision once I felt well again. I see changing it up as a positive. You gain different skills in life and broaden your experiences. Now I have three careers that I can fall back on. If you're not sure think about volunteering in your new field while still keeping your old job. It gives you great insight without having the pressure of having to perform. It's also the best possible way to get a job.

    I'm a huge fan of the saying 'work to live not live to work'. As mums we often get a chance to redirect after taking time off looking after the kids. Sometimes finding a job that offers more flexibility and satisfaction is more important that simply $$.

    Stew on it, try it out but don't bury it. It's not a decision that you have to make in a hurry enjoy the build up, the investigation and the trial and error. Best of luck xx

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  24. Quercus
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    25 May 2017 in reply to annie45

    Hi Annie45,

    Good job on your interview that is awesome news! Yeah I'm well and truly ready for a change. It's just finding something in my field it's mostly in the city. Blah! May as well stay where I am workwise if it means more travel.

    And Fiasco... I'm not a teacher or a nurse or anything useful. That would be great for rural jobs unfortunately I am not good with kids (I've barely got any patience for my own let alone someone else's). All admiration to you!

    I'll figure something out. All I really want is a shop. But when I suggested it to hubby he said it's up to me but owning a store is hard work and often fails because of online shopping. Sigh.

  25. CMF
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus,

    I would love a shop too. It's my dream. Why not have a shop with an on line option as well? Who knows, it the on line business takes off you may not need the shop front anymore? Do you know what you would like to sell?

  26. ro63
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Quercus
    Hi Quercus, an online store would be a thought then you dont' need a bricks and mortar shop,just find something you love and do it ,My best Ross
  27. Quercus
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    25 May 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hi CMF and Ross,

    Thanks for the support I think I might just sit on it for now. A good friend from my work rang to check on me and said she agrees with the psych and my hubby about waiting till I am stable before making changes.

    I think they're probably right. I like the idea of working with plants again. I suppose there's nothing stopping me from growing things for hubby to sell at markets. Wait and see. Its always wait and see. The story of my life since kids arrived.

    Speaking of kids they are driving me insane. Mr 3 decided to pee on the dog because I was on the phone. And squashed olives all over the concrete. Disgusting. And Miss 2 hasn't stopped whinging all day so I'm carrying her around for some quiet. Why did I want kids?

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  28. Croix
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    25 May 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Dear Quercus~

    I've often tried to get away from what I do, but always stop within a day or so because inside I realize I'm trying to find a perfect position, and there isn't any such thing - at least for me as I drag my nature around with me like a snail-shell. Anxiety is not position dependent - at least for me:-[

    Having given you my 2¢'s worth on employment :) I do think Ross and CMF may have something to think about, talking about going on-line. Apart from lower expenses it also has the opportunity to start of at hobby level and build up. (Ross thanks for asking how I was the other day - much appreciated.)

    Now Quercus I also wanted to thank you -again - for another tale in

    Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

    This time the nudie rudie kids on a cold wet day. Fun!

    You don't really have to wait and see you know, pop a plant or two in now, if your direction changes nothing lost?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  29. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9235 posts
    25 May 2017 in reply to Croix
    Have you heard of Etsy? Worth looking into.
  30. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    25 May 2017 in reply to CMF

    Hello Quercus

    Sorry to miss out on the current conversation. Going back to your question about the fantasy of a perfect life. Don't know if this will help. I joined my meditation group on Wednesday evening as usual. We have a talk before meditating and the words seemed to be directed at me on a similar topic to yours. So I thought I would copy some extracts.

    What is the difference between reality and unreality? I think one way we can understand it is to see unreality as the product of desire. .... As everyone can find from their own experience, we learn in the stillness and silence (of meditation) to accept ourselves as we are. This sound very strange to modern ears, above all to modern Christians who have been brought up to practice so much anxious striving: "Shouldn't I be ambitious? What if I'm a bad person, shouldn't I desire to be better?" .... The real tragedy of our time is that we are so filled with desire, for happiness, for success, for wealth, for power, whatever it may be, that we are always imagining ourselves as we might be. So rarely do we come to know ourselves as we are and to accept our present position. But traditional wisdom tells us: know that you are and that you are as you are.

    I find these gems that come into my life speak so powerfully about our way of life, and remind us we do not need to rush hither and yon looking for answers, but to know ourselves first. I hope they have some meaning for you.

    Mary

    3 people found this helpful

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