Hi everyone 😊

I'm very humbled to read the posts from the last few days.

CMF, Ross, Fiasco, Annie45, Mary, Paul, Croix, Stressless, The Abyss

I was tempted to fill the flowers for pearls thread with an individual thanks to each of you. 😊

It means a lot to me that even amongst your own worries that you've all taken the time to write to me here (or reach out on your own threads even while struggling TA and Stressless).

My heartfelt thanks to you all.

Mary...​ this is perfect. Exactly the words I need today. Thankyou.

we are so filled with desire, for happiness, for success, for wealth, for power, whatever it may be, that we are always imagining ourselves as we might be. So rarely do we come to know ourselves as we are and to accept our present position. But traditional wisdom tells us: know that you are and that you are as you are.

Tonight I'm going to go rest. My day has ended well. Hubby poured me a bath and made me a cup of tea and while I soaked told me he hasn't been in my shoes. He doesn't understand what it means to dread my workplace. He hasn't ever truly felt anxious. He said it's not right for him to ask me to suck it up because of the pay if it's making me feel worse.

I told him that is all I needed to know. I've decided to just wait for now and slowly look for something else. But I really really needed to hear that it was my choice. That I had a choice.

The relief is immense. And the love for my husband.

So I'm off to sleep now I'm calm again. I am thinking of you all though and hoping that tomorrow is an easier day for everyone 😊

That must have been so good to receive hubby's support. Whether you stay or move on doesn't matter, but having hubby's support is priceless.

May the day be good to you

TA

Dear Quercus

I am so pleased those words meant something to you. I hesitated before posting because I did not want you to take it in a way I had not intended. Even after I pressed send I was nervous, but I see all is well.

What a terrific end to your day yesterday. I have said it before so excuse me if I repeat myself. Your husband is a lovely man. And I think you two are together because you are also wonderful. Just shows what talking can do.😊

Saw my psych and GP yesterday. No wonder I was tired at the end. Got my blood test results which show the inflammation has reduced by nearly half although way above normal. I'm getting there. Had a different anti-inflammatory pill to stop the nausea etc and one to help heal the damage from the previous anti-inflammatory. Best of all my pain is reducing, more so after a visit to my physio. I'm back on the road.

This is where I give my thanks to all of you for supporting me. This is truly a wonderful place.

Mary

Quercus,

I am so happy for you.

You said "I told him that is all I needed to know. I've decided to just wait for now and slowly look for something else. But I really really needed to hear that it was my choice. That I had a choice."

Isn't it amazing how when we feel supported and have the choices our mindset changes, we don't make rash decisions and we think about things differently? We make the decision with more clarity.

So happy for you my friend.

cmf x

Hi everyone 😊

Hi TA!

What a nice surprise! How are you feeling? Hope you're being gentle on yourself. Did you manage to get your course changed like you were trying to? I hope you've managed to reduce some of your workload so you can focus on feeling better.

You're right about hubby's support. All the drama after the appointment was being triggered by feeling trapped and controlled. Bought me back to a bad place. Just by him acknowledging I'm free to choose I felt so much relief.

Am thinking of you and I hope you are taking care of yourself and that today is a good day for you 😊

Hi Mary,

You needn't have worried. Those words were exactly right. It's funny when I read them I felt very calm. I really should look into meditation can't say I know much about it. Does it help you a lot?

I'm really pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better. I wonder what caused it all. Has your GP considered sending you to a rheumatologist if its inflammatory based? Might be worth the second opinion. I was surprised once I got a medication that worked how quickly my pain was managed.

Yes I am blessed. I think the psychiatrist thought I was a bit loopy when I called hubby my soulmate but I truly believe it. We're not perfect by any means but somehow we just work together.

And hello CMF (I haven't forgotten you 😊),

You totally get it! Freedom and independence make all the difference in the world even if they don't change how you act.

By the way completely feeling you about little one going to school. Mr 3 goes to kindy next year and I'm a bit teary already and we haven't even had to start organising his uniforms or anything.

As much as I complain I think I'd rather be spelling the names of the dogs from Paw Patrol than giving "the talk" and warning them about sending anyone nude pics of themselves on snapchat haha.

Hello Quercus

Thanks for your concern about me. Yes, it's good to lose much of the pain. The psychiatrist I see feels the inflammation could be in response to stress. I saw my GP in the week and we talked about this. She looked up her records to see when I first talked about the pain and it was one week after I discovered something really distressing, and I do mean big time. So the psych may be right. GP thinks it could be the result of a virus although the tests don't show anything. I think it's likely to be a combination of both. Maybe I was upset enough to lower my immune system. Who knows, at least it's going away. If it is stress then I suspect it will return unless I learn to manage my stress better.

It makes a huge difference when someone trusts that when you say you feel unwell that it's the truth even though there are few or no signs. This of course is the problem with mental illness, it doesn't show. I lost 22kg when I became depressed and the only comments were how good it was to see me lose weight. Well yes, but I did it by living on the smell of next door's cooking.

I have just ordered some roses and a couple of other plants from a nursery in Victoria. I like their philosophy of maintaining the old flowers and vegetables rather than breeding the new plants that can be transported long distances and arrive in good condition even though they do not taste as nice. We really need to buy local produce which goes to market a few miles away and to live with eating seasonal vegetables and fruits instead of having them all year. Anyway my garden make over has begun with moving plants out of pots or from areas where they do not thrive. I am beginning to see how it will all come together, at least I think so.

My snowflake tree is in bloom at the moment and looks amazing. The leaves and flowers are so soft and it really looks as though the whole tree is covered in a mound of snow. Even the baby tree has blossoms. If you want to see one search for Snowflake tree Brisbane. All these trees are flowering and it's great. Then it will be waiting time to see the Jacaranda trees in bloom in October. They are so beautiful.

Decided I must go shopping, one of my least favourite jobs. I'm not really interested in cooking and what I want for Christmas is one of those dispensers they have on Star Trek where you can order what you like and it appears in seconds. And best of all, no need to wash up, just recycle. How does that match growing traditional plants?

Mary

Dear Quercus and Mary~

Some of the things you both write ring a bell with me - being believed is one. This is an incredible boost. I have a compete suite of problems that have no direct physical cause and I can well remember years ago trying to convince a GP that those problems were major and very debilitating. Lack of belief or minimizing them caused me a great feelings of frustration an of no self worth. At times I wondered if I was imagining it all - a bit like imagining a broken leg and just as silly:).

A change of GP and acceptance came as an overwhelming relief. On the same tack I guess one shouldn't be surprised at the extent the mind dictates how the body reacts -so a decrease in the immune system seems perfectly feasible.

I'm very glad your pain is reduced Mary -and also that your GP keeps good records. Lets hope things get better still.

One of my weak points Quercus is realizing how many people don't feel in control, so I'm delighted your husband was supportive and understanding. It's funny but feeling coerced may be less about needing the money and more about others' attitudes. Either way I guess seeing another with a soulmate makes me smile.

Croix

Hi Mary 😊

I liked your post thank you for brightening up my day. Well the stress and pain isn't a positive but the way you seem more hopeful is. Have you had a diagnosis yet? Are you feeling ok? I hope ordering plants means you're able to get out in your garden and get your hands dirty 😊

There is nothing I would rather do than be in my garden all day. I hope you're well enough to enjoy yours.

Yesterday I divided some grasses and set up some seed pots for plants that my sister wants (she is starting a garden from scratch what a joy!). My bouganvillea cuttings have all filled the pots with roots hooray. And it's time for burning off at the block. All in all a lot of joy to be had.

Ahhh Jacarandas 😊 I've planted a row of 12 down one side of the block. One day they will be beautiful! And my Sturt Desert Pea is going nuts flowering at the wrong time of year! It is stunning you can see the bright red from so far away. I've planted more seed. I love the colour red. I'm having one garden that is all red. The other is purple and yellow 😊. My neighbours will either love it or hate it but I couldn't care less.

I'm with you about growing our own foods and buying local. The third garden is an orchard with every plant I could find haha. I got a handful of organic goji berries and grew some bushes. I'm trying to find a jujube but noone seems to have them.

What kind of roses did you buy?

Sorry Mary I'm waffling... Am really nervous about going back to work on Friday. I know as it gets closer the dread will set in. Just want to stay in my garden and block out the world for a while.

Hi Croix,

How are you feeling? I saw elsewhere the problem you were waiting to resolve was still happening. I'm sorry. Are you keeping your spirits up? I hope your soulmate and Sumo cat are taking good care of you 😊.

Yes I feel you about wondering if you were making things up. I burst into tears when my rheumatologist told me my diagnosis at last and took me seriously. It had been years of pain pain pain and doubt from others. I wondered constantly if it was just in my head even though I couldn't walk up a single step. Hubby's repsonse was the same the relief at him accepting my anxiety and fear walking into work is real for me and affects me.

Not sure what I'm going to do about work to be honest. I'll just have to muddle through for now we need the income. It will be ok.

Thank you for your reply even in your own worry and stress.

Hello Quercus

Jacarandas are my favourite trees. I planted them at my previous home but not sure if they survived after I left. Had to cover them every winter until they got tall enough to be above the frost. Sadly there is no room in my garden for any trees. I have a back garden of about 10x10 metres. However I have been watching a British TV program called Big Ideas/Small Gardens and it's given me some ideas on high to give height to the garden, an extra dimension and I'm getting quite excited. Tried Sturt's Desert Pea but with no luck. I will stick with what I know.

Not ready to get down and dirty yet but my gardener man comes next week and we can have deep and meaningfuls about my ideas. I have decided I want a water feature but need to check out having a small solar panel to run it. Cost of running a cable would cost more than I can afford I think. Can you send me some bougainvillea cuttings please.😊 I want to plant them against the back fence where next door's cat gets in and hopefully stop him. No? Ah well I will have to scrounge from someone else.

I am having a garden with whatever coloured plants I can get to grow and look good. It's more about creating some shade without blocking the sun to the plants that need it.

GP now saying it's polymyalgia which is a catch-all diagnosis. So long as it goes away I don't care what its called.

I have ordered a collection of David Austin roses. Gertrude Jekyll, Cymbeline, Jude the Obscure and Munstead Wood. Now how about that for making me look knowledgable. Cymbeline is a small climber and the other three are bushes. Bare rooted and will not arrive until middle of June. Gives me time to decide where to plant them.

You asked me about meditation and I have neglected to talk about this. Meditation is a recognised practice which works on the amygdala (I think) and helps to keep emotions in manageable check. That's a brief overview. I meditate because it helps me stay a lot more clam that would be case if I relied on my own strength. I practice Christian Meditation because for me this makes sense. It has been practised for thousands of years, but then so have other forms of meditation. It's not about visualising anything or losing oneself in music or anything like that.

I sit upright eyes lightly closed. Brief music followed by a period of silence when I say my mantra in my head, not out loud. Then the music brings me out again. I have CDs with varying lengths of silence.

Mary

Hi everyone,

Oh Mary I'm thankful for your post. I can talk about gardens all day and feel well.

Thinking of meditiation I thought I had a sort of meditation technique that worked for me. Yesterday I spent the whole day baking in the sun digging out prickly acacia to burn. And raking up leaves and sticks. Block out the world and just work and work. The kids were happy in their sandpit in the shade and were quiet for once except to ask for more food and drinks. And then I realised I had spent the entire day without drinking or eating and I felt sick.

All I achieved was exhausting myself and have just spent the morning yelling at the kids to be quiet. Sigh. I keep trying to keep busy to not dwell on thoughts again. When I stop all I can think is how much longer do I have to do this?

I know the thoughts are just there on the edge of my mind. Waiting for a weakness. I have them at bay and then the kids scream and whinge and complain and grab at me and I feel the bloody cracks forming in the box that's marked suicidal thoughts.

I'm sorry. Please don't worry I am safe. I have people to ask if I need to send the kids away. I'm just tired and angry. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow and will ask him to up my meds. I'm anxious about work on Friday. It's always like this. The dread sets in and I want quiet which I can't have with small kids.

Hi Quercus,

Sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I cant remember what your support system is like. Do you have anyone you can leave the kids with for a little while or daycare or anything like that so you can get a little me time??

What is causing you concern going back to work if you don't mind me asking ? Are you able to look at it as a positive thing ?/ Sorry lots of questions and if you don't feel like replying that's ok. I was just catching up on your thread and wanted you to know you have my support also.

Its good you are seeing psych tomorrow - use him as your sounding board and let it all out - that's what they're there for. I also posted a reply to you, telling you not to worry about me , as you have your own stuff so don't write back and tell me not to worry because that's what we do here right? Besides you are an awesome person with strength you don't realize you have. I f I had to mind 2 young kids with the issues you have I don't know that I would cope as well

Just remember- one foot in front of the other. No one to impress. Just you being you doing the best that you can do on any given day. Any day that I can get out of bed is a good day and any extras are a bonus and before I know it I have had a good day.

Take care

Stressless

Hi Stressless,

Thanks for writing to me even though you're struggling too. I saw your reply thanks I'm just a bit drained at the moment and didn't really have anything useful to say.

I'm just holding out for my appointment tomorrow. I'm sure he'll up the meds and the thoughts will back off again. But I'm just tired of it all today.

Work. Yeah. I don't really know where to start. I'm resigned to staying until I feel stable. Then I can assess what I'm going to do. My work is chaos. Crowds of people. Rush and chaos. I hate it. I'll be fine once I get there. Put on the mask. Smile and act. And hope I can keep myself together until the shift ends. I think that's my worry. I have had a few shifts where I've had a meltdown in front of other staff. Am kind of dreading it happening again. Oh well. There are positives I get away from the kids for a bit. I like the other staff. It pays well. That's about it.

Sorry. I'm a bit of a sad sack today. Not really helpful to others reading. It will be ok.

Hope you're ok too.

Hi Quercus

I think we all get a bit edgy leading up to our appointments. It's this unknown entity that we build up in our minds, and yet it rarely goes to script. It's that unknown that can set us off. Perhaps that's also why work is doing the same. The added potential embarrassment would also be having an effect, but once again it is never as bad as we imagine it. As stessless says, focus on the good, the known, the bits you have control over.

I was envious of your day in the garden. I remember those days where I could loose myself in an activity to the point if missing meals. Where I was so bone tired at the end of the day that I slept for all the right reasons. Where the sore muscles in the days that followed remind me of the day of blissful energy expenditure in the sunshine were salve to the soul. Park your mind back to that day, and roll with the blows.

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow and with the kids until then.

TA

Dear Quercus

I am so sad you are not feeling well. It's OK to spend all day in garden so long as you at least drink. If gardening is helpful, why not spend your time doing this. It keeps your thoughts under control and gives you a sense of achievement whenever you conquer a tricky bit. I think being totally immersed in doing something such as gardening is more mindfulness than meditation, but so what? Whatever helps is good.

I hope you are going to talk about this with the psych tomorrow. I expect a full report.😊 No, only joking.

I'm not sure how you will feel about this at the moment. Someone who was posting here a while back has returned and is pretty fed up with everything. I have resumed my conversation with her and I wonder if you are up to adding your comments. Please don't do it just because I asked. You need to feel well enough.

The post is in Depression/How to move forward/ Pelayn. You have a way of writing that is very comforting for others and I think Julie needs some of this. Read the thread and see if you have enough energy. If not, no worries. I don't want you to fall over because of this. (and add to my guilt). Talk to your psych first.

Please take good care of yourself. You know we worry even though you say there is no need. It's not because of what you may or may not do. It seems that is largely behind you. We just get concerned because you are so low and it's not a nice place to be.

Mary

Dear Quercus~

You look out for others, me included, I appreciate you doing that, and if I sometimes struggle to do a post it helps.

As for having a 'dream' anything, maybe there might be a grain of truth in some of it, when things are not as you'd wished or hoped or believed, but that's OK. Dealing with the difference is difficult. We all do have expectations though.

Without belittling all you have to bear in one way you do seem to have a dream, having a husband who understands. I know exactly how great a thing that is as I am blessed with a wife like that, and before that my late wife, who was the same.

The noise and stress and threat of work, must be horrible, particularly not knowing if you will have another melt-down. Does not mean the meltdown will happen, you change and grow.

I'm getting too serious so instead I'll thank you for your magpies in:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

When I first came to Australia as a lad I heard them in the early morning (and nearly freaked). Still remember it clearly.

Croix

Hey Quercus,

good luck with your appt and I hope you get through work ok. It is a break from the kids I guess. I'm glad you have some support and a good hubby.

Take care

cmf x

Hi everyone,

I've replied to you all on your threads tonight to say thank you. I really appreciated all of your replies today. A new day tomorrow so I'll just try again 😊

Hi Mary,

I will look at the thread you've suggested tomorrow I need to get to sleep tonight. No worries I like the idea of you thinking I might be a help to someone. That's a good feeling.

I didn't respond to your diagnosis. No idea what that is but as long as it means they can help you that's what matters. How are you feeling? Did you end up trying the TENS machine?

Roses. Ah. Believe it or not roses are one of my least favourite plants. I bought my first and only rose last month (it's a climber called Souvineer de la Malmaison or something like that). When my sister and I did our nursery crawl (like a pub crawl for plant nuts) we went to a nursery where the owner suggested roses by ones you enjoyed the smell of. Weird but amazing. He suggested this one to me and I think it smells like heaven. So I have one rose to my name and no plans for any more 😊

Anyway thank you for continuing to be here for me Mary. I feel very lucky to have you in my corner.

Hope to hear you are in a good place and up to gardening again soon.

Hi Quercus,

Just a quick note to say good luck today. All of those questions you bring up about self worth are things as you know I am at a loss to deal with so maybe you'll get some ideas today and we can compare notes.

Take Care

Stressless

Dear Quercus, just wanted to add my voice here to lend you my support. Hope your visit goes well today.

rg x

Thank you Running Girl I'm sorry I haven't been on your thread for ages. I appreciate you coming by and supporting me!

And Mary ☺

Today is not a good day. I did comment on the thread you mentioned but I'm not sure it was a helpful post. It brought back some upsetting memories. I feel pretty awful that in many ways I am like the friend who has upset Julie. I hope the different perspective helps her. Probably not. Hopefully it doesn't upset her.

I'm so glad for the psychiatrist tonight. They rang this morning and I freaked out thinking it was to cancel but my appointment is an hour later. Thank goodness. I feel very very low today. Teary. Hopefully he can up the meds or do something.

It's weird that I can laugh at things on the forums. I can appreciate you and the "shaky foundations" club comments. I know I'm not worthless. But I'm so so so very over it. So down. I feel like taking up residence in TA's abyss and never coming out. And yes I know it's my depression talking.

God I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. Sick of guilt. Sick of feeling ashamed. Sick of feeling anxious. When does it end!?

I'm so angry at myself. I can say all the right things and I know my brain is sabotaging me. But how do I stop it? How do I look in the mirror and like/accept who I am?

Just venting I'm sorry. If you had the answers I suppose you wouldn't have had to join the forums.

Just got to get through to 6.15pm. I will be ok. Keep busy and just keep myself together. Will probably write later on Stressless' embarrassing therapy thread about curling up on the floor of the psychiatrist's office and screaming for an hour straight. Sigh. This sucks.

😢❤️

Quercus,

'God I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. Sick of guilt. Sick of feeling ashamed. Sick of feeling anxious. When does it end!?'

Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are not your circumstances. You did not ask for your circumstances, you did not ask to be in this position. Believe in yourself and know that you are trying to do the best you can in an imperfect situation.

You are doing the best you are capable of.

cmf x

Hey Quercus, Just popping in to see how you are doing and returning the favour ,sorry you are not having a good day ,Can I just say that yes it actually does end ,a few years ago went through all sorts and had the black dog for about 3 years ,seemed like a thousand though right,and I did come out of it ,so it does go ,so treat it like it;s someone you hate and beat the crap out of it .We end up in this comfort zone ,as uncomfortable as it is ,it is familiar and we are used to it ,you will beat it and you do deserve better thoughts, and I promise they will come you are doing better than you think you are and we are all behind you 100%,ps if you do curl up in his floor take a blanket ,it's freezing :) hope it goes well ,catch you soon ,Ross.

Quercus - there is always room to share in my abyss. You are welcome to visit, to stop awhile, but then perhaps you'll allow up to help you back out?

How did the session go tonight? Was it worthwhile?

Intellectually you know you aren't worthless, you know you have so much to offer. Stop looking in the mirror - if you don't like what you see, don't stop there. Go out to the garden, that's where the real you is. Yell, scream, fight, exhaust yourself in a good way.

The dawn will rise again and chase away the darkness. Hang in there.

TA

Hi everyone. Thank you all for your kindness today I needed it and appreciated it. Therapy was weird today. Good weird? Not sure. I just want to vent something.

I haven't mentioned my Dad at all in therapy. Noticably absent. Like in real life. Didn't know how to deal with daughters rather than sons. So he ignored me.

I remember my Grandad telling me at the time of abusive ex that I shouldn't settle for someone who spoke down to me. Was sarcastic to me. He said it gently but firmly with a critical eye at my ex. I remember being stunned. Sarcasm goes over my head. I had no idea he had been making fun of me. My Dad said nothing.

I remember dancing with my father in law on my wedding day. He said I looked beautiful. He said stuff the princess you look like a queen. I laughed but secretly was so pleased because even though my Dad had smiled and even got teary he didn't say a word.

I am afraid of myself. I let my ex treat me like I was worthless. I hated it. I didn't deserve it. He was hurting me and it wasn't ok. I allowed him to treat me like his property. Why? Why did I allow it?

Because that's what I knew. I have none of my Mum's beauty. My Dad thinks my Mum is gorgeous. I'm not. I'm average at best. The single comment about my appearance from my Dad was one I overheard "at least she inherited your boobs". That's it. Nothing else. So I spent years trying to make my first relationship work because that's all I thought I deserved. That it was ok if he hurt me because I'm not beautiful or important enough to speak to.

Stupid stupid me. My Dad loves me. I know this now because as an adult he finally has taken the slow shy steps to get to know his daughters. Ive learnt he doesn't know how to relate to women. He is awkward apart from the farm and work and what he knows. But he loves me. I'm not like my Mum and that's alright too.

I am afraid of repeating my mistakes. I have a husband who loves and respects me. I trust him. So why am I afraid? What is stopping me from letting myself be abused again?

And there it was... The answer in therapy....I was young and inexperienced and unsure of my Dad's approval. I let it happen because I thought I was worthless and ugly and didn't deserve better.

I'm older now, experienced, changed, and I know my Dad thinks I'm great. My husband thinks I'm hot (oh God I'm blushing). And I know myself better. Why do I need to be afraid anymore? I won't tolerate that ever again. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore.

Dear Quercus

What a wonderful revelation. I am so happy for you.

I'm older now, experienced, changed, and I know my Dad thinks I'm great. My husband thinks I'm hot. Why do I need to be afraid anymore? I won't tolerate that ever again. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore.

For once I am lost for words. I want to give you a big hug and say how wonderful you are. You are safe and can go about the business of life without looking over your shoulder. Congratulations.

May I suggest you print out the salient bits of your thread and put them up on a wall or somewhere you see it often. Perhaps only the sentences I have copied above. There will be days when you feel sad etc because we all have those days. Then, in case you start to think about your past, you can read your words and feel safe again.

Yesterday at my volunteer job we read some definitions of love by children aged 4-8. Someone picked up my copy and I forgot to get another, but here are a few that I remember.

If you want to know about love, practice on someone you hate. Pretty good for such a young boy.

Mommy loves daddy and gives him the best part of the chicken.

When mommy makes daddy's coffee she always takes a sip first to make sure it tastes right.

An old man was mourning the death of his wife. The four year old boy next door saw this and climbed on the old man's lap. His mom asked him afterwards what he had said to the man. "Nothing. I just helped him cry."

If you love someone you should say so a lot. People forget.

Afterwards I asked the people in the group for their definitions. We found it difficult to describe unless we gave examples as above.

Now you can tell your family your family without any reservations.

Thank you for writing to Julie. I think it was a terrific answer. Keep remembering you can love and you are lovable.

Mary

Hi Quercus

So glad things went well.

My dad said pretty much the same thing to me re the boob comment only he wasn't shy-! far from it . Sorry your thread

it seems you got some much needed clarification re your negative self image . Now you know none of it is/ was true you can move forward a bit more.

love White Rose's idea about putting up your thoughts where u can see them.

All the best

Take Care

Stressless

Quercus,

That is amazing and great progress. I'm so happy for you.

Hopefully you can build on this now and continue to become stronger and feel better.

Well done.

cmf x