Hi Shred,

I am wondering if you have trouble telling your family how much you are struggling and if you have trouble saying NO? I have these issues.

This year I have sent my sister and nieces an email saying I will be happy to get together before Christmas for a meal, but it will not be for Christmas. I don't feel like I can do Christmas this year. I just don't have the energy.

Saying NO is not always easy. Letting people know exactly how you feel is not easy.

When people are used to us doing everything, then they just expect it to keep happening and don't understand when you start to say NO actually that does not suit.

Point in case, last night the phone rang while I was still eating dinner. My husband had finished his meal. He looked at me to answer the phone. I told him I was till eating. Reluctantly he answered the phone. In the past I have always jumped up to answer the phone.

Can you explain what you find to be so hard with having family there? For me it is when I don't feel like I am in control plus my Borderline Personality Disorder has me wondering who on earth these people are and what connection are they to me.

Sometimes the feeling of disassociation and we are all just playing a part in a play does my head in. My family don't know I feel this way.

Hope your Dr and psychologist can help you!

Wishing you well in sorting out what helps and maybe even the courage to tell your family how yo are feeling!

Then again, they might not know how to respond. I tell my husband I am having a lousy day. He will say "that is no good dear" and walk away. Some people just don't get it or don't know how to help.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

I'd recommend a hammock( camping type) best sleep ull ever get... in fact realy the only time I get more than a few hrs at a time. If I get up at a decent altitude I'll not have to cope with heat either... though with debt this year I may have to lock the doors , draw the blinds and hide

Hi Mrs Dools. Thank you so much for this thread. I know so many of us, like myself find it very difficult at this time of year. I try not to wallow in self pity, but every year it's like a freight train without brakes and it usually lasts from Nov thru to mid January. It's a very social time where everyone is expected to get together with family, loved ones, partner etc. For me, I've always spent most of the festive season alone, apart from working and the xmas lunch with some family. I dread any of these holidays, as it just stirs up unwanted emotions. It just brings out the worst in some people. I am the absolute Xmas Grinch. Lucky for me, this year might be different, as I will get to spend xmas with most of my immediate family. It has been such a long time.. Aside from that, I live alone and really struggle with the nights leading up to and over the whole festive season. I will probably utilize as much as I can as far as internet resources, staying in touch with people etc. Im the kinda person who'd rather stay home away from it all, but then I feel really isolated and wish I had someone to talk to. I guess I just find it hard to zone out, with everything going on around me. I think NYE is the worst for me. Fireworks and romance. Can't help feeling bitter and resentful. Don't think I've ever kissed anyone on NYE, except maybe an uncle lol. And my dog. Well that's enough from me. How do you usually cope with the xmas blues? Do you have family/loved ones that you spend time with?

Hi Everyone,

Chris has posted some gorgeous candles at the beginning of this thread. Thank you so much Christopher, they are very beautiful.

As I have mentioned previously on this thread and else where, I like candles. To me they are peaceful, calming and have a kind of spiritual feel to them.

On special occasions I like to light candles for loved ones who can not be with me for one reason or another.

Some days I light them just for the sense of peace and comfort they provide me.

If you are a candle person or not, if you are into Christmas or not, I hope you will all accept the candles as a bit of light in a world that can be dark at times.

Blessings of peace to you all.

Hugs from Mrs. Dools

Hi, thanks for the idea of a hammock. Funny thing is I was thinking exactly that while in the garden today. I was considering which trees I could tie it to.

Are you talking about the heat of the weather or the heat of family get togethers?

Today in the garden I found a stumpy tailed lizard. Actually one of the hens found the lizard and freaked out big time. It was funny to watch. The poor hen was hysterical and took off like a rocket.

I picked the lizard up and put it near a large saucer of water which it started to drink.

I remember one summer when it was really hot, I spent a lot of time watching the t.v. while in the bath. Hope you manage to keep your cool!

Hi Girl Interrupted,

Christmas can be very different for us from year to year. This year my husband has booked us a holiday to Bali so we will be away for about 8 days.

For many years both lots of parents did not want anything to do with us as we didn't have Grand children for them to see at Christmas. Now it seems various family members (with children) are busy doing their own thing, so the parents now want us to spend Christmas with them.

Christmas day I like to attend Church even if it does make me cry on the inside and sometimes on the outside as well.

Some years we have had friends with us instead of family. Some years it has just been my husband and I. Usually he is on the computer or watching the t.v. Christmas Day so it is certainly not anything special for him.

I am trying to catch up with my sister and nieces before we leave, but trying to get them to choose a date and time is proving difficult.

Last night I phoned a girlfriend to try and catch up with her as well, but nothing was organised. Oh well. There is always January to catch up with people.

For a few years now we have been inviting friends for dinner and to play games on New Year's Eve. Last year we were a group of 10 and had such a fun night, I hadn't laughed so much in ages.

My husband is not at all romantic, so not much kissing goes on here either New Year's Eve! Ha. Ha.

At the moment my coping mechanism seems to be trying to keep busy one way or another so I don't have to think too much!

The other day while waiting for a friend, I had a look at all the Christmas decorations in a shop. It was like de-sensitising myself. Ha. Ha. I tried to compare all the different colours and styles that were available.

Do you have some friends whom you could invite around on New Year's Eve?

There are many times when I do things by myself like going to the movies, to a restaurant, to the beach or what ever. Guess it is a little harder to do so over the Festive Season.

Hopefully your family event will go really well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Dear Mrs Dools

Once again I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

My family will never understand - I came to this conclusion a long time ago.Besides this is my fight and I need to do it for me. So I am not courageous in the slightest bit. At present I can't even work!

Saying no would be a huge change for me and something I can't approach just now. It is enough just getting up each day. Getting out is my priority and I am working on that. Sometimes, it's just too hard and I cannot.I feel useless and weak too.

Everyone just says time...give it time..

I guess I am trying though.

Sorry Mrs Dools - not a good day for me.

Dear Mrs Dools. Thank you for your lovely reply. It'd be so nice to be somewhere else over xmas and Bali sounds like a perfect choice! I had a short visit there in June, after a 4 year holiday drought lol. I think keeping busy is really helpful this time of year too. I haven't done any gift shopping yet and I'm already stressed about stressing about it lol. I don't have any close friends to hang out with over nye or anytime to be honest. I've really drifted from most of my friends. Alot of them have moved to other cities or just lead very different lives and all their time is taken up with family etc. I had one friend who used to invite me over for drinks and we used to catch up every xmas, but despite my efforts she doesn't seem interested in catching up. I'm sure she's really busy with her kids and work etc but you get to a point when you know the friendship isn't what it used to be and you can't force it. Being single really takes its toll as you get older too. I find it harder and harder to connect with people, on any level and I seem to have become more withdrawn and awkward, especially at work. Anyway at least I will spend time with family. My parents are both in their 70s and I value the time I have with them, as with all my family that I don't see very often as they live interstate. I'm not looking forward to NYE but I guess it's just another day. Would be easier if I didn't have to listen to fireworks and people partying etc. But I'm sure it'll be another exciting movie night for me with the headphones on, followed by a snuggle with the dog and earplugs to drown out the noise. Hopefully some stronger meds will help me through as well lol. I might try to do something different this year, but honestly I can't think of too many fun activities to do alone. I'll probably drop in here and have a good whinge haha. Thanks for listening x

Candles are a wonderful way to reflect and pay tribute to loved ones we've lost. I often do that too. It's very calming and enlightening. Might try that this year too.

Also reading thru one of your previous posts about bpd and the effects of disassociation. I can totally relate to that feeling too. It's like I'm from another planet sometimes, when it comes to certain situations with family or workmates and how completely detached I feel in that moment. I go from empathy to detachment in such a short time its not funny.

That may be why I find it so hard to relate to people, because I want to feel something but don't. On the other hand, my emotions can be so intense i can't think straight. Gotta love the perks of BPD.

Thanks for the candle idea, by the way. I think I will give that a crack.

Dear Shred,

Hi. There is no need to apologise for having a bad day! Goodness me, we all have those. This forum is here for all occasions. The good, the bad and the down right ugly.

The main thing is that we can all openly discuss and share how we are feeling knowing people are non judgemental, and that others care about how we are feeling.

Okay, so saying No is a huge thing for you. Do you know what? You have already decided on a No by stating you can not try to say No to your family right now! Don't take it as a negative, turn it into a positive.

You may not be able to say no to them, but you have said no to a suggestion made to you. You have made a choice. That is empowering!

It sounds like just getting up is a big issue for you right now and you want to achieve being able to go outside. Can you go outside for a short period of time, just to stand in the sun and feel the warmth for a while?

Regarding feeling weak, is that weak physically, mentally or both? Are there some light exercises you could do in the house to keep you feeling a bit fitter? There are a lot of mental exercises you can do on the computer...so I am told.

TIME. Yes, Time does heal, but it would be wonderful if it worked a lot quicker sometimes hey!

Would you like to share what happens when your family are at your place?

Hope you have moments of peace today.

Cheers to you, hugs too if you want them, from Mrs. Dools

Hi GI,

The candles are lovely aren't they. Christopher is spot on with those. I would like a display like that in our own home. I sometimes make a decoration of candles and what ever is in the garden on an old plate and put it on the table through the year.

Yes BPD is interesting. On reading your post it made me realise maybe that is why I like being in the garden so much as I feel connected to nature. Inside our home I feel like I don't belong and like I don't know who my husband is! Weird isn't it!

Do your parents live interstate as well or just other members of your family?

What do your parents do for New Years? Could you join them, have a special dinner, listen to ancient old records, watch movies or play games. I can't imagine doing that with my parents, but you might with yours.

There may be organisations in your area that put on a meal or an evening for homeless people you could become involved with. You would have company that way and not feel so alone.

Feeling alone is a horrid thing isn't it. I find it even more so when you are with people you know and you still feel alone. That might be a part of the BPD as well maybe.

My Mum has decided there will be no presents for anyone this year. Suits me fine.

I used to try to make present for the family for Christmas and some friends also. I was at my older sister's home. She was going through her Christmas stuff and came upon the decorations, wall hangings and so on I had made her.

She said "I don't know why I keep all of this junk (she used a different word) I only take it to school to put up in the library where I work to make it look a bit more like Christmas.

At least the children might enjoy a little Christmas cheer!

No more home made Christmas gifts for that sister. Ha. Ha.

Wishing you a peaceful day. Next time I am in town, I will look for some red candles!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Hi Everyone,

Just had another thought. Some single female friends of mine have recently joined up with different
MEET UP Groups.

There might be some of these groups in your region. Check them out and see what they have to offer. It may be a great way to meet new people and have someone to catch up with now and then.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

Hi Mrs Dools

I feel weak both physically and mentally - all the time now.

When family comes over (they have animals they keep at my place) I immediately get anxious and feel out of sorts. I am criticized for the state of things I have not done, like my house needing a vacuum etc...This is a continual process.

I can't be me when they are here...there is no sense of understanding of anything that they are not involved with.I would say that the particular person is self centred and that's why it is pointless to explain anything to them.

Thanks for the hugs

Hi Shred,

There have been times in my life where I have felt exhausted mentally and physically. I had chronic fatigue for a while, that was really draining.

Instead of my husband helping more with activities around the house, he bought lighter weighted saucepans so I could still lift them on and off the stove. He bought one of those long handled brooms and dust pan so I could sweep up the floor without having to bend over to sweep up the dirt!

Some people just don't get the fact it is almost impossible to do what needs to be done.

If you asked a family member if they could vacuum for you, what would the answer be?

Are you in a situation where you could get some help about the home, even if it was just once a month?

I heard of a lady who had volunteers come in and clean for her. Now that would be lovely!

Ah yes, some people can be very self centred and not even realise it or how they affect others.

Have you talked with your Dr or someone to see if there is any help that is available to you?

Once again I am really sorry to read of the situation you are in.

Is there anything you can do to help improve your physical energy?

Thinking of you and hoping you find ways to cope with your family visits!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Oh dear this depression really sucks. The closer it comes to Christmas the less I am coping.

Sometimes I just want to go to bed and cry.

My anxiety and stress levels are spiking and all I am trying to do is orgainse to see my younger sister and nieces before we go on holidays.

Communication is difficult as mobile phones do not work in our home and my husband does not let me use the land line for mobile calls as it is expensive. Some people don't have land lines!

To me we are going backwards and not forwards as far as communication goes.

Right now I feel like I am going to go BANG and I don't like that idea at all!

Christmas and the Festive Season! My goodness it can suck big time!

Called in to the shops for a few bits and pieces needed for the weekend. It was ridiculously busy!

Walked past Santa's chair (not in use) and wanted to kick down the display. Oh dear.

My mood is not at all very pleasant and I just don't know what to do with myself.

I want to cry but the tears aren't coming.

Mmmm. I will check out some other posts and try and change my mind set.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

You are not alone dear Mrs Dools - you don't have to change your mindset about Christmas. I loathe it myself! Absolutely cannot bear the endless hype...(you realise those in the media call it "the silly season" for the reason that it's not hard work doing a "Christmas story" and they have space, centimetres to fill? )

- it's easy to do too, the endless lists of "what's in, what's out". best presents for kids, Christmas Lunch Recipes, pretty coloured photos....it's easy peasy work for newspaper and TV people....doesn't mean they like Christmas any more than the poor public they inflict their garbage onto.

"poor suckers"they say...."this'll give them something pretty to look at - less work for me having to look for "real"news - Santa will do it for me).

don't fall for it...you are not alone with your feelings about this time of year - it's horrible!

I don't have grand children coming up this year (which of course I don't spoil for them) so I am determined not to give this crap any of my attention, no focus, not part of my reality this year.....not worth my time, money, mental health or thoughts. Best of luck and good wishes to you Mrs Dools....and NOT just because it's bloody Christmas.....all the year round - luv, Moon S

Hey Mrs Dools

Yup, Christmas can suck big time...as you and I have spoken about before. I am trying to organise someone to come help me once a month but that's not easy and it costs $.

My physical energy(or lack of) is also related to whether I sleep and that can pose problem too. The latest attempt at med has brought about more side effects too.

You mention your anxiety is up and down - a while ago you said you would look at a hammock for the back yard or garden. I put mine up today and nearly got sunburnt it is so hot!

It's nice to know many of us are in the same boat but still frustration kicks along..

Look after yourself Mrs Dools - you are worth it..

Dear Mrs D,

I'm so sorry I didn't see your reply earlier!My parents live nearby which is really handy so I try to catch up as much as I can. I usually take the paper round on Saturday morning if I'm not working. My folks are getting older and have a fairly low key nye etc but maybe we will do something this year with the rest of the family joining us. It will be the first xmas in a very long time (maybe a decade or so) that we've all been together so it'll be special. That's a great suggestion - we might watch something together or I could certainly suggest getting out all the old photos for a good laugh and reminisce. We used to play board games so maybe we could do that too. I miss spending time with family and think how lucky we were as kids growing up in a good home. I miss that. I thought about volunteering so if I have some spare time I might do that too.

Sorry to hear about your family not celebrating xmas. That's horrible your sister didn't appreciate your homemade gifts. Maybe she forgot where they came from? Yeah bugger her, no more gifts lol. She doesn't have good taste! I love homemade things as a lot more effort goes into making them than just picking something up from the store! It's not the cost value, but the sentiment that counts.

Xmas really does bring out the best and worst in people. For years I have been a horrible, miserable person this time of year and refused to join in and celebrate with family, as my depression just seems to grip me so badly. I've reluctantly gone to family get-togethers but usually been the sour-faced stooge the whole time and then gone home and cried all night or wanted to call the suicide hotline. Kinda funny but not really.
Do you have some favorite candles? What kind of things do you make? Bugger, I need to remember to send xmas cards.. hope i'm not too late! I'm terrible lol always forgetting things. Take care for now x

Hi Moon,

Thanks so much for your kind and understanding words.

Today I caught up with two of my nieces, they came to our home for lunch. There was very little chatter about Christmas. We had a lovely day, the girls ended up staying for dinner as well. It was such a relaxing and happy time without the expectation of it needing to be a perfect day if it had been for Christmas.

We are hoping to get together again in the New Year. I'm very thankful I have my nieces in my life.

Parts of today were tough, the rest was lovely. So I will try and concentrate on the lovely bits!

Thanks once again for your best wishes and kind words.

Cyber Hugs to you if you want them, from Mrs. Dools

Hey Shred,

Thanks for your understanding and comments.

Sounds like the hammock needs a huge shade screen over the top of it! Not sure which state you are in, here in S.A. if was rather hot on Saturday, but today Sunday, we had some rain in our region.

I let the hens out for a while. When I called them to return to their house and yard, they were soaked through. Seems like the rain didn't bother them too much. They did look funny. Not the weather for a hammock either!

Sorry to read the medication to help you sleep is causing side effects. Wouldn't it be wonderful if medication did what it was supposed to with out all the extra hassles!

A while ago I checked out the Christmas and New Year's thread. Some of the people there are posting some of the real Aussie songs for Christmas. One I have never heard before is about a Drive through along the line of 12 days of Christmas. Some of it was quite funny!

Today was quite busy for me, so I didn't have a great deal of free time to feel too anxious or stressed about Christmas so that was good!

Hopefully tomorrow I may feel more enthusiastic and at peace as well.

Saturday was not such a good day. Thankfully all days are not like that!

Cheers to you and thanks again from Mrs. Dools

Hi Girl Interupted,

Your plans for being with family sound good. Sometimes it is the simple things like looking at photos and playing games, interacting with each other, can make time together special.

My older sister knew I had made those Christmas items for her including wall hangings, Christmas decorations, Christmas Stockings from material and goodness knows what else. She just doesn't have a problem with speaking her mind.

Sometimes she thinks she is being clever, funny and witty not realising how hurtful her words can be. I know she has a lot of her own issues to deal with. It is interesting how we all try to deal with issues and our opinions of ourselves.

I don't have any favourite candles. I did light some today while my nieces were with us for the day. I had them burning on the table, they added a nice glow and warmth.

You mentioned how you have attending family gatherings while feeling depressed. I don't like attending some family events, but I do like my food! Ha. Ha. So I decide to enjoy the food and tell myself there are only 24 hours in each day.

Our family gatherings don't get mean and nasty or spiteful, I just think it is the ghosts of Christmas past that haunt me! Last year Mother made such an issue of Christmas, I didn't want to ever see her again. I haven't been able to let go of that or other past hurts that I have been bottling inside of me for ages.

Christmas will be very different for us this year.

Regarding Christmas cards, I have not felt at all comfortable even having Christmas cards in the house ready to write out. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it will not.

Either way, I need to telly myself it is okay.

Thanks for your thoughts and comments. Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Mrs Dools,

Xmas was just another excuse for my parents to fight. I keep away from all of it. Im not good with faking feelings so I dont know how to properly handle too much annoying pretentious cheerfulness. People that think that they need to fake happiness at this time of year do my head in sometimes. My Nan would tell people to leave their drama for the stage. She wasnt shy. I have good medication for when its too much for me, and the therapy helps. I do miss smiling though, which sounds stupid. I'd like to frown less. Beer and dim sims will most likely be my xmas lunch. Thats fine with me.

Panther

Hi Panther,

I love your picture, it is gorgeous, to me it is both ferocious and mysterious at the same time.

Considering last Christmas and all the manure that went with it, I now realise Mum was okay on the day, just leading up to Christmas was a huge nightmare.

My reactions are very similar! This last weekend was a very busy one. I worked myself up into a state before it even arrived. My depression, anxiety and stress levels rose immensely. Now it is Monday, I realise I enjoyed the weekend and could have experienced an even better time if my mental health issues hadn't escalated so much!

I might manage to write out some Christmas cards after all and maybe put up the Christmas tree! Miracles do happen.

Regarding smiling, I sometimes look for funny clips on the computer for a laugh and a smile. Click onto a "Laughing Therapy" session and see if that makes you laugh or not. Sometimes laughter can be contagious!

While walking down the street I smile at people and say hello. Some people smile back, others don't. Maybe being a middle aged female gives me the chance to do that without people thinking I am creepy! Ha. Ha.

Dim Sims sounds great. How about a yum cha feast? Do you have someone you could invite to join you?

My younger sister is really funny when she tries the fake cheerfulness! My older sister and Mum just say it as it is. I just bottle it all up inside which is not good either.

Good to know the medication and therapy are helping you.

This thread has been great therapy for me! Thank you so much everyone for joining in.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Beer and Dim Sims sounds wonderful - can I come over? Mrs Dools suggested more Yum Cha Chinese nibbles...we could bring some. Our own private little pseudo-Christmas.....no need to fake, no need for drama, we don't even know each other....perfect!!! No need to prove anything, what we did all year, what we hope for next one, what we got so and so for Xmas, what they got us....none of us are interested!!!

We can sit in silence and enjoy our Dim Sims. I am not joking - I could handle that, no worries!!!

Hi Moonstruck,

Sounds excellent. Sometimes I think impromptu events like that are the best. No expectations, so no hassles!

I had been thinking of organising a Christmas day with friends and volunteering at a Christmas Day luncheon for people with no where to go until my husband organised the holiday we are going on.

I have no idea what we will be having for lunch or dinner on Christmas Day.

I'm also going to miss not being able to catch up with you all after the 19th of Dec until the 28th.

One day I went into a restaurant and asked for a table for one for Yum Cha. For those who don't know about Yum Cha, usually small plates of food are served in a Chinese restaurant with three of the same thing on the plate. That is my experience anyway.

So far I have not been game to try the chicken feet or the tripe. Any takers with either of those?

Mrs Dools. You are very sweet Mrs Dools. I'm smiling at you. I'm not good at this at all. Thanks for your kind words. A yum cha feast is right up my alley for xmas lunch. My shout. Bring your friends.

Panther

Moonstruck. Same goes for you, same as Mrs Dools. My shout to a dim sim xmas feast.

Mrs Dools - Chicken feet are good!

Panther

Dear Folks.....I can feel a vent coming on..sorry. (please duck for cover now)

i can't stand it any more, this lead up to a date on the Calendar..it's everywhere!!! the street, the TV, the letter box, the shopping centre, each and every store, buying groceries with Carols playing playing playing - ALL of it getting inside my head. Combine that with heatwave weather conditions and tempers are frayed, thoughts jumbled, guilt about what to buy people when you are trying to save every cent.

I am at the end of this year's part time work commitments....(next year is my last, I have told the boss I am quitting after that but still he is pushing, pushing, pushing before he goes on a luxury holiday)

I am finding it so hard to switch off this season stress and concentrate on everyday routine work things - people I have to deal with seem to be going at full steam, cramming every moment before they "go on holidays, take a break, have the relatives arriving or whatever". Everyone seems in a hurry - I can't keep up. I am going under .. hoping everyone else is having a better time of it from today onto December 25....I can't bear it!

Hey Moonstruck. Had to reply to your post. I totally hear you! OMG it's like Armaggeddon! A flood of festive BS everywhere you look! This is why I'm a grinch this time of year. Gosh I hate it lol. I hate the do-gooders with their over-the-top optimism and boasting about their amazing holidays booked etc.. AND don't get me started on all the romantic notions of NYE being with the one you love and blah blah (*dry reach). Yes, there's so much pressure to buy gifts for people who will undoubtedly pretend to like your gift and then throw it out or donate it to charity. I hate going shopping. Hell, I hate it at the best of times but this time of year - it's like a freakin tsunami of screaming kids and festive sensationalism. The carols repeat in my head and really drive me nuts. Last xmas I had to hide myself in a dark room (at work) to try and calm down coz it was getting to me so much - the boss thought carols were a good idea and played them over and over the whole 8 hours. It was torture! Anyway I really get ya. Not everyone finds this time of year "joyful". I also think about all the people who are missing out, without family, without a home, doin it tough etc. Just makes me sad.

I hope you can find some peace.

Dont'quit your job! Find another one, and then stick it up him!

The only thing I'm really lookin forward to is having a couple of drinks. Take care for now x