I understand where you are coming from, I am just trying to figure out whether putting up with it is worth the strain on my health and wellbeing. I have already applied for a few other jobs and starting to look for something new, so hopefully something comes of that.

I agree, I guess this is why I feel like I do not want to be consumed by this job. I want to start achieving some of my goals and going for them. As much as I like the concept of what I do, I do not like the environment and I hate that i have to keep fighting it.

Not much. Working all weekend, and have down with a bad flu so trying to recover from that as well. How about you?

Hi zimbos05,

I understand and that is the balance you need to find, can you put up with your job long enough to find a new one, it is good that you have applied for new jobs and I do hope some things come from it.

Having goals is so important but working on them is just as important and trying to achieve them and if your environment is not good then you must try to change it.

Are you better from the flu? Not much my way, chilled weekend to be honest.

My best,

Jay

Well, at the moment I have kind of set myself Xmas as the benchmark. To try and hang on in there until then and if I still can't continue in this vain or see myself progressing, then maybe I need to make a decision.

I do feel a little different after my trip, so I am hoping I can keep this momentum and build on it. Like I said last time, I think I am only at 5%. There is still so much going on. My ex messaged me the other day. Just a normal random message. My cousin reckons she is trying to figure out if I am seeing anyone, but I can never tell with these things. I have been sparse with my responses, but I just dont have it in me to be mean and like not respond.

Hopefully I an start to overcome the bad thoughts because they are a major issue for me. There is soooo much I need to work on, just not sure I can get there at the moment, and I feel like maybe the job is not helping that mental process, so I have to see.

Much better thanks. Hopefully can get back in to the gym this weekend. Chilled weekend always sounds good. Glad to hear it. Can't say I have many or any of those. Not really sure I know how to chill anymore.

Hi zimbos05,

I think it is good that you set a bench mark for Christmas, having a date in mind is a good thing but don't lose focus on what you want to achieve by getting a new job. Keep looking every day and you never know what will come up.

Random that you ex messaged you, I know you don't like being mean and can't not reply but at the same time I think it is good if your replies are sparse and what not, gives the impression you are not at her beck and call when you want it to be. By the way I think you're further along that 5%, you have come quite a way from when you first posted and you should be proud of that.

My best,

Jay

Thats great advice. I definitely don't want to lose focus. It was something I thought of earlier. I just hope I find something soon so that I can move on because I know that I am the type of person who when I have momentum, if it does not work out, I can start to fall in to that depression hard and lose hope in a lot of things.

I will be honest, had a row with my family the other day and I suddenly started to feel how I used to a few months ago. I was sitting on my bed that night and everything just came flooding back. I had to take a step back the next day and try not to let it get to me and remember that I feel a bit different and I need to not let it consume me or overtake me. It was all just ready to come back.

I kind of realised that even with those family issues, I had something to fall back on when i had a relationship or good friendships, so when all those things went, it made it all harder. That is what almost happened again on that day and I was so afraid of it. I hope it is not a regular occurrence.

Yeah, was a little random I thought. I think she is a bit naive in that she thinks you can stay friends with exes and so on. I know she has kept contact with one of her exes before, but I'm not sure how regular that contact is.

Thats kind of you to say. I dont really feel that way though. I know its often harder to gauge these things and I guess other people are the true gauge as they can see the progress.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Hi zimbos05,

No one can fault you for falling a bit back into the depressive state when things are not going right, I do it as well, but it's almost training our minds that it will be ok if it does happen and that you can come out of it.

Amazing work as well that after you had the row with your family that you didn't let all the emotions come back and knock you back, that shows signs that you are getting better and fully understand how you are feeling. Amazing stuff actually. I am impressed.

Other people do tend to be gauge for how you are coming along as most of the time we are our harshest critic and don't see that we have improved in anyway. In my opinion it sounds like you have especially when you had the row with your family and didn't let it bring you back down, you are gaining mental strength.

My best,

Jay

I think the hard part is the training. When you have been doing something for so long you get used to that, you fall in to that mode and you do not know how to get out of it. Your addictions or your feelings can strike at any moment.

I never realised how strong emotions can be. I mean, I always knew, but I never knew the effect they could have or how strong they can be when they want to. It's almost like they can control you if they want to and are aware of it. It is difficult being back and getting back in to things, because I an now starting to realise all these things a bit more and also being reminded of things from my past which can be quite hurtful.

I think that row was something I want to feel I handled well. I went to the range on the friday after one of our rows but my game was sooo terrible it made it worse, and I was getting bitten so much by mosquitos that night that the whole night was horrible.

However, I want to feel I handled it well, but it's hard when they make you feel so guilty and horrible about the whole situation that you dont feel like you have done things properly.

Hi zimbos05,

I don't think you can control how others feel or what not, if you feel you handled it well, then that is how you felt. Having a row with our families are apart of being a family I guess but at the same time you do want to make sure things are patched up where possible of course.

Emotions are an amazing thing if you think about it, they do control so much of what we do as much as we don't want them too but learning to handle them is apart of growing up I think. Just need to keep working on trying to grow every single day as best as you can.

Does sound like a rough night at the range, hopefully the next is better.

My best,

Jay

I know I can't control how others felt. The thing that annoyed me the most in that situation was that I was being blamed for something that was not my fault, and the people who were at blame just sat there and did not even speak up. This is my family and they could not even stand to offer me support when they already know what I am going through and their only concern was how they felt.

It was a tough situation. The sad part is slowly falling back in to how things were before my trip, and again I am finding that it seems like the only friends I have are people like you, my golf clubs, and my music. Literally it. I get on well with my one cousin and her twin babies, but other than that, I do not have much to hold on to.

Hi zimbos05,

Yeah, that isn't right, not sure why your family would put you through that, have they made amends with you since it all happened?

I can see you are falling back into it and to be honest that is quite common, we always take steps forward and backwards, it's apart of recovery, this is where speaking to a psychologist may be of some benefit to you so learn more how to control these in and out feelings. I felt the trip did you so good as you seem to of come back with so much energy. Hopefully you can rediscover that energy soon. We always have something to hold onto, we just need to find what it is.

Any plans to go golfing this weekend?

My best,

Jay

They kind of just carry on like nothing has happened and are all chilled and ok after that, and I am like, no I need to have my reaction because that was unfair and I am not here to be anyones blame.

I do speak to someone and they often help me, but the hard part is trying to get the people around me to see the same thing. Hopefully my family will speak to my psychologist after my next appointment so they can understand. I felt like the trip did do me good, and I did come back feeling good. Then my ex decided to message me, my family did what they did, my work got stressful, and everything just started coming back. I want to be on another holiday I think, ahaha.

Actually going tonight. Hopefully my game is a lot better than last time, and there are no mozzies biting. Have bought some repellent to protect me.

Hi zimbos05,

That's family really isn't it, they move on from things whilst you are still pondering over them, it is so hard to make people see things from your point of view at the best of times and this situation is probably not different. I think your parents speaking to the psychologist is a great idea and they can give them an idea of how you are feeling and what not. You have nothing to lose by doing this and the more they understand the better you all will be.

I think you need to book another holiday just to mentally have one so your mind can focus on something long term.

How did you go golfing tonight? Hitting it better at all?

My best,

Jay

It is just a constant. There is a constant clash between us. It happened again this morning and they keep saying, "we just want this" and I have to keep saying, "you know how hard that is, it took me so long to get here, it wont take me one night to back back, you can keep pushing!"

It's not only getting tiring, but it is not helping me in any way. i'm thinking of moving my counselling session closer because it is just kind of eating me up inside and I am just not happy. Hate when you feel refreshed and you are invigorated and then all of sudden it just comes crashing down, and it happens because of people who are close to you or people who you once gave your heart to.

I have leave booked for March for my cousins wedding in zimbabwe. I would love to travel more, but money is required and it is not the easiest thing to come by, especially as I would like to leave my job, but can't find a new one.

Went much better. Was hitting them a lot more cleanly, but as the night wore on, my swing was out of whack and everything was all over the place. I need to get back in to my gym routine and back in to healthy eating and then hopefully the more I play, the better I will hit them.

Hi zimbos05,

Wow, another one, that is not good, is there a main reason these arguments are starting? It is not my business of course but trying to avoid the confrontation may be an option just for the time being. As much as you shouldn't have too but sometimes it is the best temporary option.

It is good you are moving the counselling session to a closer date, working through these emotions are what is needed, I wish I was more helpful as I can only give general advice as I am not a trained professional. I know the money is tough and it is the only reason that can stop people travelling but saving as much as you can which is what you seem to be doing and then booking holidays so it gives you something to look forward too. It really can help ease the mind too.

Much on for the weekend?

My best,

Jay

I wish I knew. I try to stay quiet so as to avoid confrontation, but then they do not like when I do that, but then when I do open my mouth, it is not what they want. My mother told me that I can no longer be sarcastic because she does not like it and it was just a really weird thing to ask. I don't be sarcastic to be nasty, it is all done in good humour and I probably do find that sarcasm and wit to be a bit more interesting. The main reason seems to be that my parents just want me to be who i was, but I do not know how to be that person because of everything that has happened and no matter how hard I try to be that person, I know it takes time and that the dynamics are different, but they don't seem to accept that. They just expect me to wake up and be smiling and be all happy.

You've been more help than you could know mate. I really appreciate you just responding. It is more than I kind of hoped for when i posted on here. I didn't expect anyone to respond. I agree, it is kind of a catch 22. Want to travel but need the money for it. I think I will tackle one thing at a time though. Trying to get my health back, then I can focus on my work and finding some sort of semblance in my life. Hopefully can save up in the mean time and be ready to book holidays.

Not much. Have a friends wedding function to attend, then got work on Sunday. Not really sure I know what else I can fit in. Doesn't always get exciting for me. Hope your weekend is much better?

Hi zimbos05,

Sorry for my delayed response, I took the weekend off the forums.

I understand what you are saying, your parents just want you to be happy and they see the current person not as happy as they know by the sounds of it which is understandable to a degree but I think with all you are doing to improve you can get back to the happy smiling person they know. It is hard trying to manage your own emotions and make sure you are also managing others along the way but as times goes on you do sort of learn to adjust to everyone whilst maintaining your own happiness level.

Thanks for the kind words, this is what I come to the forums for, just to help people like yourself and give you a voice and let you know I do understand where you are coming from because I have been there before. Life experience can be the best advice sometimes. It's no doubt you have dealt with a lot and getting back to just being happy is always a challenge and I won't pretend it is easy but you can get there. I think your focus on your health is right, you need it to be functioning and thinking correctly.

How did the weekend turn out? Mine was kind of boring.

My best,

Jay

Hey mate.

No need to apologise. I always thought you took the weekends off from the forums.

I understand that, I just wish they could learn to change a few things and not keep doing the same thing and expect the same result. I've often had to manage other peoples emotions before mine, which is obviously not ideal, but I have always been that type of a person. I tend to just give, and then often when I don't get anything in return, it hits hard.

It is helpful. Very much so. There are moments when you can feel so alone even when you are surrounded by people, that it is sometimes comforting to just have that one person, even if they are on a computer. I think sometimes I am really hard on myself. For example, before my trip I was doing well in the gym and seeing real results, then I went on my trip and all those results went away, and now I want to try and get back to that stage, but I know it wont happen overnight, but then it frustrates me that it takes time. A lot of things like that can frustrate me.

I also found out today that I did not get this job that I really wanted. I even have the experience and the skills for it, but did not get it. It is quite disappointing and it has knocked me a fair bit.

Weekend was fairly average I think. I had to work on Sunday. Saturday was nothing special. I went to see my cousins twins and attended a friends wedding function, which I did not enjoy too much. Was missing my ex again, as we had been messaging. I really need to figure out how to get over her. Have a four day weekend this weekend which is a nice break. Hopefully I can get a lot of things I have been putting off done.

Does not sound too exciting on your end. Did you get up to much or was it just one of those where you kind of feel lazy to do anything?

Hi zimbos05,

I couldn't agree more with what you said about putting other people first, I do the exact same, I care about other people's feelings before mine which isn't good as we just shelf our own emotions and they just keep adding up which I think causes more and more anxiety or any mental health issues. We cannot change how others feel, I think that is important to remember here as much as we want everyone to see our point of view, we can't make them. Have to start to somehow learn that you can only control you're own emotions.

These forums were a big thing for me at the height of my mental health issues and just having people to talk too about it even thought I didn't personally know them really did help. So I understand and I am glad I can help in some way.

Sorry you didn't get the job, it is tough these days and having all the skills and experience sometimes do not matter as the person who got it may have known the manager or something, it isn't good but it seems to be the way of the work force these days. Just need to keep applying and not get down to much about getting knocked back which I know is tough because I would feel let down myself. Keep applying and seeing what happens something will land eventually. I also relate to your part about wanting to go gym but not seeing instant results which frustrates you, I am the same too, I get frustrated too easy with that sort of stuff.

As much as you do not want too, to get over her you have to stop messaging her, it doesn't help when her name is always in front of you and you are texting and thinking about her. Moving on from someone requires you to stop thinking about them, it sucks but you need to try. Four day weekend sounds awesome, much planned?

Nah not much at all, played a little golf, was hitting like crap so got frustrated but that's the game isn't it. Other than that just family stuff, nothing majorly exciting.

My best,

Jay

I don't think it's so much wanting people to see my view, but more just wanting people to show some sort of appreciation and acknowledgement. People will take and take, but never give back.

I think that is some kind of comfort. Knowing someone else has been through this process and been through all this, and has come out on the other side well, kind of gives me just that little bit extra to keep going and coming back here.

It is just frustrating to apply for jobs in the first place. Their seems to be a lot out there, but when you keep getting rejected, you kind of wonder what is going on. I don't want to just apply for anything to be fair, but I am not being too picky about what I am applying for and trying to get. I went to the gym for 20 minutes today. I hate leg day, and I was just not in the mood to be doing any exercises, so I did like three and then just left. I get a bit frustrated too easily I think.

I know. Sometimes I can't help it as she will just send me a snapchat or a random message. The stop thinking about her part is the hard part. I kind of get reminded by little things too. Like the ball scene in the end of Stranger Things, and then I just kind of getting a little annoyed by it all.

Nothing really planned as such. My dads cousin from Canada is here, so we are having a big lunch at our house tomorrow, then Sunday is a family picnic planned I think. Other than that, no other plans as such. Kind of not looking forward to these functions as they usually descend in to the same usual thing all the time and I just end up getting a little socially exhausted.

Yeah. Love the game, but it seems to not be so kind to those who want to play it. One day everything can feel so perfect and on point, and the next day everything will just feel weird and out of sync. Family stuff does sound good a lot of the time, but then it just depends what those family things are. I'm the anomaly in mine so it always ends up being a little off for me.

Hi zimbos05,

I hear what you are saying about applying for jobs it is tough, one thing I would recommend is maybe calling the place you are applying for the job at and ask to speak to the person in charge or hiring, either HR or the direct manager, this allows you to introduce yourself and you sort of give yourself a mini phone interview with them and say to them you are interested in the job and making sure it is still available and usually they would reply yes and just say I am wanting to apply as I am very interested, can I send me resume directly to you or just apply through your website, either way when they see your name they will remember you, it is a way to make your resume stand out a little as the name will jog their memory.

Sounds like a nice weekend, hopefully the social side doesn't get to exhausting for you, just take it all as it comes not much more you can do about that... I also know the feelings of being reminded about things of ex's it is hard because you shared so much stuff with them and things will come up but as soon as you start being interested in someone new that is when these left over feelings will start to fade away as well. Moving on is the only thing that will help.

I agree so much with what you said about golf, I love the game but get so frustrated, still keeps me coming back haha.

My best,

Jay

I did call the company and spoke to them directly before applying for the role. I even spoke to other people who work there and could put a good word in for me.

It is quite socially exhausting. I am currently sitting in my room by myself whilst everyone is downstairs. I just can't deal with all that socialising and being around all those people. I think I just enjoy the little ones company more than the adults, but sometimes the little ones can be quite tiring to keep running after and chasing.

That is one of my fears. Not being able to find someone else. I am not the most 'suave' and easy talking people so don't really know how to talk to girls. Took me long enough to ask out my ex and tell her how I felt. Even with her though, sometimes I would just be too nervous to do what I was supposed to do. I missed soo many opportunities with her it hurts. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be able to move on. Feels like a very lonely world.

haha, isn't that why we love the games and the sports we do. They some how manage to keep us coming back for more and more, and we keep giving in.

Hi zimbos05,

That is good you called the company, it doesn't always work obviously but it is always worth it to keep doing it. Hopefully it works out for you and you find one soon.

I understand what you are saying about not socialising, it can be difficult when you just don't feel up to it, the little ones can make us smile without even talking but and this is always a good thing. How did the rest of the day turn out for you?

I get the fear and most guys have it, it is never easy talking to girls so I do not discount how you are feeling at all. Just remember you did end up winning your ex over initially and I bet you probably at the time thought you never had a chance. We always have a chance.

My best,

Jay

Hey mate

Hopefully something on the work front works out. Like my counsellor pointed out to me today, it could be because I am not being challenged enough and I need to work in a bit more of a challenging role, so maybe I just need to do that rather than looking to just quit.

It was ok. I didn't have the best of weekends. It was probably one of the worst in more recent times. I really did not cope with a lot of things too well and I just kind of kept falling in to a rut and worse state. The socialising was not the best. I really did not want to socialise with too many people, but getting to see my cousins twins today was a bonus. I really enjoy hanging out with them so try to keep that going.

I always tend to have it more though. Never know what to do with my hands and sometimes I say something really silly. My mind just works over time. I can barely keep eye contact. Anxiety is not at all fun when it is in overdrive. I do think about that sometimes, but then think that what if that was my shot and I won't get an opportunity like that again.

Hope your weekend was a lot better??

Hi zimbos05,

I think that is 100% correct what your psychologist said, maybe you do just need a challenge in your role, is there a chance to ask for this at work?

That is ok, I think we all have those times when we do not want to talk or socialise with too many people, I think it is ok to have down time. What made your weekend one of the worst in recent times but?

The nerves I think will always be there, gosh I would still get those feelings if I was single, it is never easy but I think you should always try and keep in the back of your mind that you only get one chance to make a good first impression, that relates to business and personal relationships. The nerves are just in your mind but I do know when anxiety is spiking it can hard to think clear.

Weekend wasn't too bad, quite boring actually, didn't do much.

My best,

Jay

I definitely need the challenge and I intend to try and find that. I think I need to start getting out of these ruts. Every time I seem to find some sort of momentum out of it, I fall back in to it. I know I am an emotional and somewhat dramatic person, but I do have a something I need to work on.

I just fell in to a bit of a social rut. Missing my ex, didnt want to be around people, seemed like people didnt want to be around me. I could not find anything stimulating to keep me going on the weekend, or find anything to do. I think my eczema is also resurfacing and my health issues kind of got a little bit worse. My mind also started going a bit in to overdrive depression and I wasn't having the best sleeps as I kept panicking and have nightmares.

When I get nervous, my eyes tend to water as well, and I can develop a bit of a sweat. It definitely was not this bad and it has definitely developed over time and gotten worse. I have been trying to address it for a long time, but I think it has now become a whole issue rather than just one thing. It's been years and years of leading to the point where I am, I wonder if I can ever get back to the type of person I was, or find myself happy and new, without the health issues or any problems. From being a highly regarded sportsman with all the potential and talent, to not even being to run a 100m without struggling. Being a smart creative and inventive kid in school to failing one year of uni and really struggling to graduate, and not having the creative mind I once had. That is a major wonder, and often a common answer is no.

Weekends where nothing happens always feel like a bit of a let down though. You always feel like you have missed out on a opportunity, well at least I do.

Hi zimbos05,

I think the challenge will do you well. Momentum is a give and take sort of thing anyway so not unusual to take steps back after you have been moving forward. It's just the key is to remember you can move forward each time you take some steps back. Just because you went back doesn't mean you can't go forward again.

That's ok, I have those moments too, when my anxiety is spiking and just struggle to be around others when I am not in the greatest mindset. My weekends can be a little light on as I do not have many friends which can be tough.

I think you can always get back to the person you once were but at the same time, that person wasn't as strong as you are now so I don't think going back to that person is what you need, at the end of the day, that person got to this point and you do not want that again, you want to take everything good from it and implement it into your current life and combine it all and move forward as one. You're current situation is not your forever situation, you can always change for the better. Like I have said before, from when you first joined these forums to now, you have made a big step forward to being a stronger person.

My best,

Jay

I had a constructive meeting with my Team Leader today. I seem to do well at my job, but am just struggling to turn in the right numbers, which is no good and is affecting me a fair bit. So hopefully if I can turn those numbers around, then I can get the Assistant Team Leader role that we were talking about today.

Don't worry. I don't have many friends too, if any. It was one of the things I tried to keep quiet on here because I did not want to seem so sad. I have people I would call friends, but i don't feel the same love from them and they also don't tend to treat me that way. A lot of them still treat me like I'm the same person I was so many years ago and they always make these stupid and silly jokes about me, then when I behave in a certain manner, they carry on like they don't understand what has caused it.

I like what you said there. The person I was got to this point, and I don't want to be at this point, so I have to be better version of that person. So well put too. I hope I can learn from people like you and develop those skills to be that better version. I guess when I say back to the person I was, I mean the person without sad and depressive thoughts. The creative thinker without the health issues, and with the sporting prowess.

Hi zimbos05,

That sounds like a productive meeting with the team leader, I think letting them know about how you are going and what you can work on is a good thing as it gives you now something to aim for, focus on getting your numbers up and them hopefully it leads to a good team leader role.

Yeah I like to keep it quiet too but at the same time, it is the reality of my life and I think a few people struggle with friends and the end of the day it is a reality and it is what it is, I understand what you are saying, almost if you don't make the effort, it's hard to keep in contact with many of them.

Glad you related to my thoughts about being the person you were, I think what you said at the end is 100% relatable to what I said in my previous post, you just need to take all the positive good things about your past and combine them with the person you want to become. You can do it I have no doubt about that.

My best,

Jay

Yeah, it was a good meeting. I plan on showing my worth by learning and taking note of things and taking some initiative. Other than that I really need to get my figures up, so I need to try and start hopefully getting some sales, and hopefully if all of that falls in to place, then I will be on the right track towards those leadership roles.

Not having friends can be quite defeating. We are a social species after all and to not have those people around you. It is quite disheartening that we have these flashy phones and so on and yet they do not even so much as buzz from a friend message for days. You get peoples numbers and so on and then it just never works.

I definitely related, and liked the way you put it. I feel I have to take small steps. I started yesterday by telling my ex that I was falling for her again and that I dont want to hurt her or anything, so I'm going to take a break for a bit and just not be in contact. It sucks already not being in contact with her, but if I can't be with her, then I need that bit of a break I think to hopefully try and start getting myself back.

Then need to start working on everything else again. Keep having run ins with my family. Had another one today, and this time no matter what I said to my brother, it just seemed like he was not listening. He was more listening to respond rather than to understand. The pain of having to sort of second break up with my ex to having the day I did. It is really hard not having anyone you can count on.

Hi zimbos05,

I do hope you get the leadership role, I think it will do you a world of good.

This is where I think you need to cut all contact with your ex, you can never truly move on if you are still speaking to them. I know deep down you are hoping they will come around and want to be with you again, but they do say once you break up once it is hard to get back to where you were. You felt like taking space from her today was like a second break up, that should tell you that just speaking with her is not a good idea. I honestly don't think you can get to the happiness and the level you need to be at as a person if you still speak with them. I am sorry if I am coming across as harsh, it isn't my intention but trying to be real with you about your situation and just what I think. It seems you made the most progress when you went overseas right? I think that was because your mind was elsewhere and not focused on her.

Sorry about the run in again with your family, I think they are inevitable when you live with them, they do ease up when you move out however.

My best,

Jay