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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Getting to know you...or is that me?

Topic: Getting to know you...or is that me?

  1. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    21 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Evening guys,

    Just got home from my shrink and I am positively feeling shrunk.

    My deepest gratitude for your heartfelt concern, I do not take it for granted. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the posts, clearly I've fallen behind.

    But my Doc wants me to focus my remaining energies on myself to get through the most stressful time of the year, and naturally when I am on these forums I like to give as well to wonderful people such as you all. Mum is pendulating if that is a word, from lucid bluntness to delusion and back again. Hopefully the swing won't snap but if it does that is not her fault.

    I know her better than anyone so it's always sit tight and wait over January. Naturally her carers are wanting to spend time with the people they love so my siblings and I have to take up the slack for the next 3 weeks. The cruel irony is that she is one of my biggest triggers of some awful memories. PTSD soup for Christmas it seems.

    There is another thread something about 'PTSD & Concentration', I was going to reply a couple of weeks ago but got distracted. Corny's bedroom science that has absolutely zero basis of truth other than curiosity, is deeply concerned that sustained rigorous exercise over months can do wonders for people with Alzheimer's BDNF, but in PTSD the same mechanism could be creating BDNF Boomerangs. Boomerangs I'd rather not relive before they're filed thanks very much. My dissociation cracked it again in the park this morning freaking me out so I am pulling in the reins to take care of me. Rudolf will help won't he?

    I hope you guys are as good as can be expected and the holiday season is positively relaxing and kind to your nervous systems. I'm sorry I can't offer anything else but 2016 put me on my bum, and I still have a lot to digest, navigate and make sense of.

    Cheers to your health.

    Corny xxxx

    4 people found this helpful
  2. Croix
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    21 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Dear Corny~`

    I was at once immeasurably please to hear from you and at the same time distressed at your current plight.

    Please do not think you have to contribute in any shape of form. You are missed for yourself - it's that simple.

    If you cant get here I will miss you and understand. If you ever do come you only need to say:

    'poked my snoot in, still breathing, bye'

    and left it at that - I would feel happy to have had your contact.

    I am sure Sara and Dottie will not mind me saying we all feel exactly the same way - & there'll be a special word concerning assistance to Rudolf on your behalf

    My affection, Croix

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    21 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi everyone,

    Sara, thank you for the encouraging, enthusiastic words of support. It was very generous of you 😊

    I guess we all have things that make us tick so adrenaline or not, those things help keep us going. You seem to be able to relate to the feeling of coming to life when you stumble upon something that makes you tick 😊

    Your work in corrections sounds like it was both intense and demanding but also rewarding and meaningful. Discovering a dead man in his cell must have been frightening and overwhelming- and with minimal/no support or counselling from work too. That must have been difficult. Even if you miss the work now, it still must have been a challenging role.

    I love how you're keeping us updated on your music/guitar adventures. I hadn't actually heard of Classical Gas before so I YouTubed it. I had a listen just now and I say go for it if you like the piece. Fill your house with sounds of guitar chords!

    Good on you for your active involvement on BB. I'm sure you made the new posters feel very welcome.

    Thanks for letting us in on your thread. You know I adore you!

    Croix, I appreciate your open mindedness and willingness to both share and listen here. Thank you for not writing me off as "too young to understand" as I get that sometimes in my volunteer gig. I'm not saying that I know everything- far from it- but it's frustrating when I'm labelled before some people even bother getting to know me.

    I think you're a serial monogamist in the truest sense of the words 😊 Yeah, it does seem that when you commit to something or someone, you tend to be in it for the long haul.

    I YouTubed The Windmills Of The Mind (English). It's a very lyrically powerful song. I wonder if your mind is anything like the windmill mind and fragmented thoughts in the song. I haven't yet listened it in French but I'm 100% certain your French is more proficient than mine. It's comforting to have a go-to song when you're feeling sad.

    I'm glad you seem to like I Don't Wanna Live Forever. From what I've heard about 50 Shades, it seems like it's an abusive relationship/ DV masked as "romance" so I'm boycotting the franchise.

    Sorry for the small rant there...having grown up admidst intergenerational family violence means I'm sensitive about certain film content. Just as I heads up, I don't really want to go into detail about my family here.

    Thanks again for your thoughtfulness and presence on this thread.

    Y'all stay amaze, okay?

    Dottie xxx

    Dottie x

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    21 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Oh Corny,

    Big virtual hug from me! Don't worry about catching up on the posts. You gotta do you.

    I genuinely don't know what to say- I just wish that I could somehow make your pain go away and your mum better. You, your siblings and your mum must be so tired. I know you love your mum but that doesn't mean taking care of her is easy (but you know this already). It must be hard watching her swing...here's another virtual hug from me.

    Your PTSD soup sounds painful to down. The whole situation just feels sad to me...someone you love so much also being a huge trigger. The irony of it all, but above all, it's just a really sad situation.

    Yes, pull in the reins. Bedroom science or not, you know yourself best so you know when it's time to pull back a bit and take care of yourself (or as best as you can considering the circumstances with your mum).

    I'll send Rudolph a text, okay? Sara, Croix and I will have him waiting at your doorstep in no time. Plus Prancer and Vixen and the rest of the reindeer gang.

    I agree with Croix that your presence here is contribution enough. As much as we enjoy your wit, risqué writing and other wonderful offerings, we aren't just in it for the funnies and moments of Yoda-like insight, we're in it when s**t gets real too. Just be you.

    Write when you're up to it, take a break when you need too. Find that oxygen mask!

    You are amaze.

    Group hug!

    Dottie xxxxxxxxxx

    3 people found this helpful
  5. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    21 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Sorry,I realise that I forgot to answer your question. Yes, playing the whole 5th Symphony (piano) is indeed tiring but it's more emotional than physical fatigue. Plus I don't always play all 4 movements like sometimes I'll play only 1 movement. The first movement is my favourite.

    Take care and stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Croix
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    21 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dear Dottie, Sara & Cornie
    I owe you an apology Dottie, it was grossly insensitive of me to say anything about that franchise, as is my normal habit I tried to see the artwork in context and galloped ahead heedless of thought. My regrets, I hope I didn’t cause you any – even momentary – unhappiness. Also there's no 'seem', I do actually like the song, plaintive though it appears

    As an aside there are films relating to police work I still can’t see. I have one sitting in my cupboard and will not consider myself ‘cured’ until I can view it with equanimity. That day may never happen and I do NOT recommend it as a recipe for anyone else, it’s a litmus test, perhaps a denial that I will never totally recover

    As I might have mentioned I started escaping into adolescents’ fiction and gradually worked my way back up to a more balanced literary diet – now almost all-encompassing and virtually normal though fantasy still tends to be my favorite

    On a happier note (sorry for the pun) I think Mason William’s ‘Classical Gas(oline)’ is a ‘gas’. Lively and enjoyable to listen to. A couple of sites list it as having an intermediate level of difficulty for the learner. Sara, from the little I know you have selected an excellent challenging choice

    With your experience in the learning of instruments Dottie would you consider it appropriate to have an alternative piece that could be switched to on occasion to refresh the student? I tended to tell students in my field to break from one thing and go to another when studying so as to keep the mind fresh and interest up

    If you did think that might be an advantage might you think Scott Joplin’s ‘Maple Leaf Rag’ – another intermediate level exercise- could fill the bill?

    Sara~ I noticed the way your name kept popping up all over the place in the last day or so and thought that you were suddenly more energized, I’m glad, and no I would not dream of insulting your good work in protecting your premises by mentioning a mere trick

    Cornie~ Please just keep on being you

    Affectionately, Croix

    3 people found this helpful
  7. Just Sara
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    21 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Welcome Home Corn Cobber!

    My all seeing eye is watching as you continue to climb up and down that ever present bell curve. I so missed you hun...

    It's emotional reading on as you tell of your plight, disassociating and soul sciencing. (no I don't think that's a word, but it fits the bill) You've been there for me from the beginning and have been pivotal in my on-going recovery and coming out. I sometimes feel helpless to return what I consider your greatness of spirit and consciousness given freely; words are my only resource.

    Preparing for Xmas soup, hopefully strained thru an appropriate filter, will challenge you. But as with all challenges, I know you'll face it with self insight, care and love for your mum. This too shall pass...

    I'm glad you've been 'shrunk'! Not small, but maybe a little more compressed and together. I'm hoping this reference is a positive one and not facetious. One doesn't really know sometimes with you. lol

    I know how difficult it would be trying to read thru our posts since you left us. You mentioned the 'Concentration and memory loss due to PTSD' thread. I've just been on and contributed. It's a relevant subject and has had some great entries. There's some good tips to help, but I can concur your presence would only improve upon what already exists.

    I wish you well my lovely; in addition to Rudolf and the gang, I'll send my love and support wrapped in pretty paper tied with a bow to open on Xmas morning...some healing balm to gently rub on your battle scars.

    I love you Corny...Sara xoxo

    Group Hug!!! (Thanks Dot and Croix)

    4 people found this helpful
  8. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    22 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    It's all good- no apology needed. I can assure you that I'm not upset but I appreciate your graciousness.

    If anything, I hope that I wasn't accidentally too abrupt. Not that it's an excuse but I had to omit some words due to the character limit. So I may have come across more affected and curt than I had intended.

    I'm glad you enjoyed the song. Hey, I think we all have to do what works for each of us as individuals. So maybe you need that film as a personal marker between "cured" and "not yet cured"- something to work towards (?) As you said so yourself, it's your personal litmus test.

    I appreciate your suggestion and I agree that it's generally a good idea to mix things up. I YouTubed Maple Leaf Rag and it's an interesting and very upbeat piece. Ragtime music, huh? I'll keep that in mind. Thanks Croix 😊 Hmmm...if I remember correctly, i think some of Debussy's work was influenced by ragtime.

    Anyway, it was great to hear from you. It was very thoughtful of you to check on me but no stress, I'm not upset by anything you said. It's all sweet.

    You take care.

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    22 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Judging from Croix's comments (& by your own admission), you have been making some wonderful contributions on various threads. Good on you 😊

    I don't know what kind of day you have been having today but I hope it has been one of the better ones.

    You know we all love you here and thanks for helping bring us together here on your thread!

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    22 December 2016

    Hi Sara, Corny, Croix, QldMouse, Sparkvark, Wishful...apologies if I've forgotten any names as I'm 200% certain that I have done exactly that...sorry, bad memory but it's not intentional...

    For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a safe Christmas above all else. I know Christmas isn't a happy time for all of you so I don't want to make assumptions and wish you all a happy Christmas.

    For those of you who don't celebrate Christmas, I also hope you stay safe on the 24th-26th December (and ideally all year round too).

    I have various Xmas parties (yay) and Xmas obligations (nay) to attend so I might be a bit quiet on the forums over the next 4 days. I'll be back around the 27th/28th Dec. Catch you then!

    Big group hug.

    Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxxxxxx

    4 people found this helpful
  11. QldMouse
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    239 posts
    23 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hi Dottie, Mary, Sara, Corny, Croix, Sparkvark, Wishful and others

    Thank you Dottie, and thank you all for all your messages have meant this year. They have meant a lot.

    I hope all your journeys are smooth and without bumps, triggers, black dogs (or cats) and no dark clouds.

    Be well.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. QldMouse
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    239 posts
    23 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322
    Oh yes, "the windmills of my mind". Loved that song, can't get it out of my head now!! .
    2 people found this helpful
  13. Croix
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    23 December 2016 in reply to QldMouse

    Dear QldMouse~

    We haven't struck each other before, I'm pleased to meet you.Thank you for your kind wishes.

    That tune has been with me for a very long time and yet always seems to have the ability to spark something in me when I'm not in the best of places. As Dottie (who I found , along with everyone else, has the wisdom of a female Solomon aged 90+) remarked, perhaps it echoes the fragments in my mind at the time .

    Anyway may I wish you peace and contentment in the days ahead

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Croix
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    23 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dear Sara~

    You were flat out for a day or so there. I haven't noticed you around for a little while.

    It would not be impossible for someone to have a shock, bounce back with enthusiasm and then rebound down again.

    I'd be shooting in the dark to venture further, though I can think of a couple of possibilities.

    Please let me know how you are.

    Affectionately, Croix

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  15. Just Sara
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    23 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Dear Croix;

    It's 2am, so this won't be long. I'm ok...pausing to fulfil the responsibilities of Xmas domesticity. I'll return tomorrow and chat.

    Thankyou for your concern...you're a precious man. (Hugs)

    Sara the just..xoxo

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  16. Croix
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    23 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dear Sara~

    > I'm ok. - Good,

    hope the family is cooperative, loving or friendly as appropriate and that you get pleasure from the contact.

    I come home late Fridays - it's a long day as I leave at 7.45 and return around 11. When I didn't see anything fresh from you I popped in the above enquiry and went for the usual walk with my partner and the dog.

    The dog, which we acquired second-hand, rather resembles a small coffee-coloured blimp with a toothpick in each corner.

    It has amazing strength and is firmly convinced that if it wishes to veer away and inspect some undoubtedly interesting (to a dog) feature then all should follow - which leads to a full-blown tug of war - excellent exercise for both it and my wife.

    - Come to think of it all three of us are second-hand, both my wife and I having been married before to a partner that passed away.

    We saw an eastern-barred bandicoot on the walk which really made the trip - well it did for us, not the bandicoot, which seemed upset to see us and scooted away.

    I too will have a pretty packed three days with family, but will still be on-line quite frequently.

    Affectionately, Croix

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  17. Just Sara
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    23 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Good morning Croix;

    There's peace in your words; this pleases me.

    You seem to be in a good place today, and yesterday too. I'm happy for you; where those moments of normality and routine are a welcome change to the mindlessness of PTSD. Story telling is one of your gifts which resonates with me instilling calm healing.

    Second hand - I like this term; it reminds me of a full length mustard jacket with big pockets, satin lined and very, very stylish. I purchased it for $4 at Vinnies when I was 17. (Top shelf item!) "How could anyone give this away?" I thought. Thank goodness they did, because I felt like a million dollars wearing it.

    My friend at that time was an overweight charismatic girl, whose lot in life was to be the centre of attention at any cost. I was drawn to her outlandish, boisterous laughter and behaviour. It complemented my quietly reserved traumatised personality; yet another of my abusers. That jacket ended up being one of many items claimed by her as 'fair game'.

    She's been on my mind of late. A 'person of interest' when delving into my patterns of behaviour. I still manage to find people, especially men, who see my inner qualities as something to 'acquire' for themselves to abate their insecurities. This saddens the genuine nature of me deeply; I've loved them all.

    I dreamt of her last night; a black wolf chasing me from behind a fence while I ran down a dirt track trying to escape and save another - me I gather. A gap in the fence gave an opportunity for us both; its attack and my defence. I killed it with bloody abandon.

    As a metaphor, its candour relates to a current situation. This insight yet again, puts me at a fork in my journey's road. A choice to release me from the past and take the road less travelled...X

    I've faced many of these situations; each one causing strain and unfamiliarity...fate. Some where I rose to the occasion, and some where I was swept backward.

    At the time I met the above girl, there was another friend I spent time with. She was focused, intelligent, feminine and genuine...foreign. I walked away from her to join with my future abuser.

    I needed to write this Croix; thankyou for being my 'witness'.

    This thread was/is necessary to combat the isolation of my CC world of giving to others. Your first response to me bought this home; I'm indebted to you.

    I'm ready...

    Sara xoxo

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  18. Just Sara
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    24 December 2016 in reply to QldMouse

    Hi QM;

    It's always nice to see you on here saying hello! It's appreciated.

    I hope you have a lovely Xmas filled with joy and laughter, and a New Year filled with abundance with all things great and small.

    Hugs...Sara xoxo

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  19. Croix
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    24 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara
    Dear Sara
    I’ve been looking forward to replying & now I’ve posts & other ‘Xmassy’ items done I can

    I’m a soupçon relieved you didn’t say you had a down-side from the other day, though it would have been natural

    Your tale of the jacket, how you felt wearing it & where it finished up helps give me a clearer picture of you as human and less a text-only cypher. In some ways I’m not a witness, I’m growing into a participant, interacting and perhaps prompting. Any debt really is entirely mutual

    Frankly of the two I think you got the better of the deal – your charismatic friend ended up with a (rather nice) coat and you ended up with a peck more wisdom, purchased at the price of a coat. (Yes I realize there is more to it)

    An opportunity lost with the other friend - true. But could you, as the person you were then, have offered her as much as you can now?

    For somebody that wanted to get rid of the warrior image you are not doing too well. I can see you now with blood up to your elbows and bits of wolf and fur scattered along that dirt track and fence. No sitting down at a conference table having ‘fruitful’ discussions for this woman!

    Loving those that are close, and having those qualities others needed is no bad thing. The trick, always, is finding someone to share with, not to donate to. I’ve been fortunate beyond belief

    I’ll now sail into dangerous waters and tell you a story – entirely true. There were 2 of the same rank, both actually with the same surname, invalided out of the police at around the same time for similar stress-related disorders. I was one. I chose the path of completely divorcing myself from the past and having no contact. I grieved, studied, taught and moved on, still not cured but alive (in the better sense)

    The other took the opposite tack, attempted to vindicate himself by suing the police. He spent a couple of years doing this and won, received a modest lump sum but forfeited his wife, children and in my opinion - lost. I met him later when he was living by himself with no love, no mission in life, still filled with old resentments and feelings

    Here’s the nub. Vindication consumed him to the exclusion of all else, and I think the process, the interaction with old situations and dealing with the same overly bureaucratic heartless system, even when filtered through legal counsel, harmed him greatly

    You offer so much to someone, just as you are, right now

    Affectionately,
    Croix (who apologizes for such pointless meanderings)

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  20. Croix
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    24 December 2016

    Dear Corny, Dottie and Sara~

    -special people

    Happy Christmas

    I hope you can look back on it with fondness

    Croix

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  21. Just Sara
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    24 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Merry Christmas Morning Croix, Dottie and Corny!!

    (Croix..will respond to above post tomorrow ok? Today's full on with activity)

    Well, the Santa has struck! Time to put on our party hats and share in some yummy roasted goodness and pav from mum! The kids will be scurrying around screaming and gallivanting, pure hellish noise, but oh so reminiscent.

    I wish you all a fab day, with smiles and laughter all round. Lot's of kisses and hugs from loved one's, and that beautiful feeling as you watch the littlies rip open their prezzy's.

    Peace and joy be with you...

    Sara xoxoxoxo

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  22. Just Sara
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    26 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Good (post Xmas) morning Croix;

    As promised, I'm replying to your eerie sense of insight from 24th. How could you know me so well? Your amazing ability to turn a story into a well developed metaphor is gratefully received.

    As far as blood and guts all over the place in my dream is concerned, there are moments in time where yes, the warrior in me is necessary to survive blood and guts conditions; kill or be killed. Metaphorically speaking, death has many guises.

    As for your parallel Universe story, (colleague) I do get the comparison/s and your motivation in expressing it to me. So, current self awareness/insight provides opportunities to challenge old thinking and behaviour. It's actually exciting as well as a little scary.

    Your co worker made a decision based on immediate emotion and variables, as did you. I, like him, have a 'need' to confront and challenge re my workplace issues. I'm not willing to do this 'at all cost', but I do want to finally find my voice where abuse of authority trauma is concerned.

    It's been 2 and 1/2 yrs since my workplace breakdown, so I've spent many, many hrs in contemplation on how to approach my appeals. I suppose it may be arrogance, though this is negligible. I do think mostly, it's having a pro active plan to combat a legal and legislative environment intent on squashing anyone who decides to 'dare' challenge.

    I'm allowing my gut instincts to time things right, so I'm nearly there. The biggest issue is of course the cognitive ability to carry it out. Unlike your workmate, patience within resolve is on my side.

    My main purpose is to confront something in me, not my abusers, which I feel separates your colleague from me; directional focus. Abuse of power has been my constant companion since I can remember, so turning around to face the past is a necessary component of my recovery - self empowerment, and more-so of realising my own greatness.

    There is more to this than meets the eye; my dept is every person who's ever hurt me. I 'have' to do this to feel whole and finally stop the past controlling my present.

    I so love having you here Croix. You truly give me a perspective that promotes 'peripheral' analysis.

    I hope your Xmas was fruitful and enjoyable...

    Sara xoxo

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  23. Croix
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    26 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dear Sara~
    Please ask to delete this post if it is too much - my blunderings need not be a constant reminder
    Me:
    I don’t want to say anything that will cause you distress – or more importantly sow seeds of self-doubt - the much greater harm. I’m just a fellow sufferer feeling my way. I’ve done things in my life with the most serious consequences possible for others, and I relive them

    But I have a need to help those I care for, to yell out a warning if they might tread on a rotten plank in a suspension bridge over a chasm. If that shout causes them to fall off the bridge, I’ll relive that too even though I acted from care

    Plus I can be so on completely on the wrong track that it’s laughable. I also am a worry-wart

    You:
    Everything you say makes sense, the feelings of self-worth, the targeting of you and not the system, the hasty and dubious motives of my colleague and so on – all spot on

    Worthwhile, necessary, healing, even good for society – all true

    X versed in the field, who may give emotional support too - great

    What I’m worried to say:
    I am not sure that you are robust enough right now. Please forgive me throwing back your own words

    23 days ago I sought you out when someone you were helping skipped posting in return -
    The emotional investment I put into you and your plight, took a lot out of me personally …. The tears and heartfelt support I gave came from a place so real, I didn't know how to deal with it

    When you had the incident with the drunk -
    I try so hard to be strong, I do. But there are times, times I want a man to be here. I've done this alone for so long, I don't remember what it's like to feel safe. Damn, I can't …

    Then the workman -
    My safety was at the core. Contributing factors such as fear of consequences, feeling trapped in my own home, this person being a man and facing an unknown outcome was too much to bare

    The process:
    The entrenched delay-ridden, self-serving legal system, bulging with money, fueled by self-protection and self-interest, willing to ride rough shod over any human being – I’ve seen it and it is one of the major reasons I lost faith

    The Question:
    Are you, right at the moment, sufficiently strong for perhaps several years of this, also bearing in mind you have no one who has made a 24/7 commitment to be present with you for the journey?

    Right or very wrong I said the above because you are admirable, strong, worthwhile and my friend. For you to fall as a casualty to the legal system would be too much

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Just Sara
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    26 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix;

    You've absolutely out-done yourself with your last post my dear friend; you stopped me in my tracks. It's caused me to 'feel'. I recognise that emotion too well...fighting my acceptance of a sensitive and genuine person in my sphere. Trust is earned as well as 'learned'.

    Please don't ever ask that I delete anything you've written. I say this with all due respect, because the value you represent to me is NOT to be taken for granted or dishonoured. This is for you to accept within yourself as well Croix. (btw you do not contribute 'blundering's'!)

    Reading your questions and quotes identifying my current circumstances and issues, was without a doubt one of the most 'real' moments for me on BB. The emotion's raw, but not unwelcome. It challenges me to grow and accept love. That is after-all what we give to each other isn't it?

    As far as surviving the legal system? I have nothing to lose. They've taken everything from me already. I've dragged myself thru the mentalness to find and accept myself, and my greatness.

    The faith I have in myself isn't inflated. You walk beside me Croix; how can you say I don't have 24/7 support? Please don't underestimate how worthy you are to fill this gap; know your true worth as my friend instead of fearing my demise; you are the man I've grown to trust and admire...my friend, wing-man!

    The situational stress you raised is about loneliness and my lack of confidence with face to face challenges. I do understand your concern though. As I said, my instincts lead the way; I've learned to trust this process.

    I'd like to write more, but I'm emotional Croix; conceptual tug of war.

    One day I hope you allow me the opportunity to walk beside you too (without my 'stuff' being in the fore)

    Thankyou...thankyou so very, very much!

    Sara xoxo

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Croix
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    26 December 2016

    Dear Dottie~

    I came upon you in another thread I belong to.

    I have no idea if a text-based shout relives any tension. What it does do is let those that care about you know that you are not in the best of places.

    Being the person you are you will probably prize your ability to keep going quietly without fuss -just leaking a little around the edges at the moment perhaps.

    You've heard these words before, they are just as heart-felt now as the first time:-

    Talk, distraction, anything you need ....

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Croix
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    26 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dear Sara~
    I’m relieved, you're welcome and yes we do give love

    You are planning a most dangerous journey (you know I mean mentally not financially / employability) and as I result I wanted you to have a litmus test which you could use to judge your own fitness to continue. Sometimes desires outweigh caution and the realistic judgments of one’s capabilities

    Thus, although I dressed it up in my usual self- depreciating way, I tried to treat you as someone with no mental injury to their name. Just a strong rational person. I shoveled back at you reminders of past recent problems so you could estimate your real flexibility and endurance. I felt cruel doing it, but would have felt crueler not to.

    If it was too painful, i.e. if you did not have the strength of the mostly recovered then you had an out - to delete the painful words. With them gone hopefully you might not be reluctant to keep on posting in this area – a place that I truly believe helps you (& me)

    I fully accept your decision to go on, I know you know yourself. I’m not sure you know the toll the legal system will take but you’ll fight and fight. Win, lose or draw, you will come out the other end intact

    I will indeed be with you every step. However in practical terms I’m no substitute for a warm breathing real flesh and blood companion. I hope that comes your way sooner rather than later

    Don’t doubt you do walk beside me and I lean on you. Your telling of your doubts and triumphs resonate. I can’t say I completely understand the process, but you are human and you give, I take

    On another matter, as you can see from my last post Dottie has come back from Christmas in a less than totally happy state. I hope we can provide a sanctuary (are you listening Dottie?)

    All my affection

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Croix
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    26 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Dear Corny~

    When you come back here you will find umpteen posts that have been made in your absence. They are just that - made in your absence.

    I'd be desolated (& I know Sara & Dottie would be too) if you no longer felt this was your home, just an alien space taken over by others.

    Your sometimes blunt insightful presence is missed, as is news about you

    Affectionately

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Just Sara
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    27 December 2016 in reply to Croix

    Dear Croix;

    The power within your words completely complements my journey. I'm still coming to terms with having you 'there' expressing your concern and amazing wisdom.

    I concur how having a 'body' to communicate with would be ideal, but waiting for this to happen might take longer than is necessary to submit my Request for Review. This isn't an 'Appeal' which is where the legal system gets nasty.

    I have the opportunity to challenge their decision with rationale, information and reality. My plan covers 3 Workers Comp requests without asking for a lump sum outcome. This takes the pressure off insurers and helps to evaluate the cost (to them) of me appealing vs paying out lost wages/leave and psychological therapy. The difference being more attractive financially.

    There's method in my madness Croix, as overturning all 3 claim decisions will open the door to the anti discrimination tribunal; it's not about money, it's about strategy. That's where the warrior fights with gusto. I don't need legal representation until I walk into the A/D arena. That's what I mean by 'nothing to lose'.

    The first successful review will assist the next by me submitting that documentation as supporting evidence. By the time I get to the 3rd review, my evidence base will be compelling. This plan took many months to develop while I worked on my mental health, confidence and strategy to build my case.

    Chess comes to mind...each patient and strategic move works toward the desired outcome. If played well, especially knowing your opponent, the game itself and the rules, that outcome will come sooner than later. The King of course represents the ultimate reward.

    I am my greatest asset! I've been playing sports and games my whole life. This plan began in 2008 and is now finally coming to fruition. With each painful experience, I learned how to play the game better. While 'inside' the system, my power was limited. Now on the outside, control is returned. Cheating or changing the goal posts isn't possible anymore.

    As you can see, this issue drives my resolve and passion. I've had to tame things while waiting for the right time. There's hard work ahead developing/coordinating evidence and a no-nonsense approach. Triggers will occur; that won't change.

    Sigh...it's been so long. I won't be able to give as much on BB, but when the last paper is signed, my life will change forever and BB will become my full-time work.

    Sara xoxo

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Just Sara
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    27 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey there Dottie;

    Post Xmas blues...is this you? I'm here as always waiting for you to one day ask for my help or advice. It won't be an inconvenience or bother, on the contrary. It's nice to be needed, especially by someone I adore and admire...and, who's been my rock. Giving back would be a pleasure and honour.

    I won't badger you, I've read many times how you don't like to encroach on my thread, but this doesn't apply anymore. It's become 'our home', and home is where the heart is right?

    I don't need your support today. I'm here for you my sweet D-girl.

    Love you...Sara xoxo

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Croix
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    27 December 2016

    Dear Dottie~

    Do you find a particular classical/semi-classical musical piece or passage is especially good for relieving overwrought emotion? Perhaps something with a pounding beat rising to a crescendo , or where you can play really pounding the keys as hard as is wise?

    This may not just apply to you, but to anyone and I'd find the answer most useful. Yes I know there's a million different answers, many depending upon the personality involved.

    I've mentioned to some Johann Strauss Sr. "Radetzky March" for mindless thumping, and Maurice Ravel "Bolero" for working oneself up to a crescendo.

    What do you think?

    Affectionatly

    Croix (who a practically invisible as he is so transparent)

    2 people found this helpful

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