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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Getting to know you...or is that me?

Topic: Getting to know you...or is that me?

  1. Just Sara
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    14 October 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Getting to know me...fun

    Yesterday I spoke with a Lifeline counsellor who reminded me how I push myself so hard in my recovery mode, I forget to reward my progress and take 'time off' to just 'be' and reap from the seeds I've sewn. I won't be posting on other threads today to put this into practice, however sharing my thoughts on my 'blog' is what I like doing, so I continue.

    Again last night, a friend reminded me about cultivating 'fun', and how I'd forgotten how. Isn't it ironic? I use the term 'wisdom' and automatically go into recovery mode. Enjoying being in my skin has to be included in this concept, as life is short and bodies age. So many on here cry for help that they can't get out of their heads; I've been in this group for many years.

    Physical pleasure is avoided and pushed to the background to deal with mental and emotional anguish. At least this is what's happened with me. Connecting to my body's needs and desires has been fraught with flashbacks and fear for so long, I'd forgotten the capacity my body has to release the 'fun beast' without guilt, shame or fear of reprisals.

    For all young'n's who read this, being in my mid 50's doesn't mean I'm dead from the waist down; on the contrary. Be it commonplace or rare, categorising women with high libido's as nymphomaniac's, can be personally devastating. Things may be different in this new age, so as much as the 60's and 70's bought sexual freedom, it took time for acceptance of feminine desire to become 'normal'. I'm a product of that era.

    Having physical fun without emotional attachment, is difficult to contemplate, but I figure, worth pursuing. I've tried to be as tactful and respectful as I can in relaying my thoughts; I hope it's taken as my disclosure of openness and honesty. I don't speak for anyone but me; please remember this when reading.

    Using the term 'libido' is deceptive. I'd like to think of it as releasing pure passion. A pro active combination of assertiveness and vulnerability with another. I miss this..

    To close, and this is very personal, passionate kisses cannot be imagined effectively enough to replace the real thing. Re learning how to completely immerse myself in the throws of physical passion will give my poor overworked brain the respite it sorely needs and deserves.

    I am unapologetic..

    I am a deep well of unexplored physical divinity...Dizzy xoxo

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Just Sara
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    14 October 2016

    To QM, Dottie and Corn Cobber;

    I'd like to address each post above individually, but I'm still in a place of growth and deep contemplation. I love that you all are following my path of self discovery and given me support and beautiful responses; it's humbling.

    I care for you very deeply and want to support you all with your journey's as well. It is my intent that's important, not my inability to cope with this at present. I will endeavour to reconnect in the days to come, but for now I must go within and continue my journey of self realisation.

    Our future's await us...with bated breath Mwah! Hugs!

    Dizzy xoxo

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  3. Cornstarch
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    571 posts
    14 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    So happy for you Dizzy.

    Don't answer these questions, this is my stream of consciousness speaking.......

    What flavour of contemplative awareness is Dizzy in?

    Vipassana? Transcendental? Zen?

    Enjoy your retreat!

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  4. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    14 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Kundalini

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  5. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    14 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    This was quite a suprising read for me (not gonna lie ha, ha).

    As one of the "young 'n's" who read this, it was eye opening. You know, I have to admit that I hadn't previously given much thought about what 50-something year olds wanted.

    And you know what?

    Power to you.

    Go and discover yourself in every sense of the word, be it physical, emotional, spiritual and any other "als" out there. You deserve this. Happy for you 😊

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Just Sara
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    14 October 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Oh Corny;

    Did you think I wouldn't know what the Kundalini Rising was? Hmmm?...well I do! And how!!!!!

    I've experienced it first hand and can honestly say it was 'mind blowing' he he. Oh yeah baby!

    Couldn't resist replying and bragging lol BTW...Vipassana! Purple and gold..

    Dottie...hey there!

    I don't know if I'm the exception to the rule or not, all I can say is what 'me' is or ain't. We're all beautiful inside..

    Dizzy xoxo

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Just Sara
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    15 October 2016

    Getting to know me...

    Motivation..

    I've very recently realised that motivating myself was all about the 'other guy'. Pleasing, gratifying etc...my self image was no less a symbol of this. How I present myself to others was never about me! Why did it take me so long to learn this?!

    When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was someone who's image projected outwards...

    My last entry spoke of 'fun' and my desire to experience physical intimacy. It was mainly about 'giving' that's been at the forefront in this respect. (To others I mean) However, the past couple of days, I'm understanding how my image is made up of many attributes; looks, health, strength, vitality, longevity, passion and so on. I deserve those things as much as I've wanted to project them. (so I was perceived in a way that up till now gave me a sense of safety; delusional at best)

    Them...them...them...it's been my world of pain and happiness. Having an opportunity for fun, would be nice. But where do I stand when it comes to living it, doing it, being it? What motivates me? Well, me...being able to enjoy that experience as a separate entity; that's what. Just writing this makes sense.

    For once in my life, I want to concentrate on doing it for me...being the best I can be so 'I' enjoy things at the maximum level possible. I have no control over anyone else or how they treat me, but I can respond in kind...I have that power and it feels really good!

    I won't go into specifics; it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. What matters, is I'm finally, after 56 yrs willing to treat myself to some long overdue self care and hard work with a great goal in mind. I'm preparing to do the deed with such passion and Will, my 'mojo' is going to bring me to my knees. If 'them' gets something out of it, all the better. (hmm...being a bit cagey with description, but you get my meaning yeah?)

    We don't often talk about 'fun' on BB; it's a shame.

    Doing my kiegal exercises as we speak! Ah ha ha ha, ahhh sigh..sorry..

    Yes..what I look like is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Under the surface lies a massive energy waiting to be unleashed and expressed; release the beast! (Why is it that men are allowed to discuss this and I feel so nasty? Something for a later post me thinks. I'm not male bashing either; just describing a generalised personal perception. Each to his/her/their own)

    Golly gosh...today's post is long.

    Till next time lovely's...Dizzy xoxo ;-D

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Just Sara
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    15 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    I just picked up on something I wrote; '..bring me to my knee's'

    I've had people bring me down my whole life because I dared rise up to be seen and heard. Enough!!!

    I won't be bringing myself down (to my knee's) either. I deserve greatness, life and pleasure, and it's up to me to decide what and who that entails. Are they or is 'it' worthy of me? Yes, that's the question...

    Mwah!

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  9. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    15 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    I think it's great that you're defining your own life- and all that that entails- on your own terms (as it should be but hasn't been for most of your 56 years).

    Be the person that you want to be, have the fun you've missed out on, have your liaisons, and above all, define Dizzy and Dizzy's wants/needs/etc on Dizzy's terms. That's great stuff.

    Dottie x

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Just Sara
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    16 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    What a great reply Dottie;

    You've really given me food for thought. On my own terms...very impressive insight D girl.

    'On my own terms' seems a new concept, especially when it comes to decision making. I won't say completely though, as I wouldn't have survived all these yrs without some sense of precautionary will and behaviour. Like drumming into myself a 'safety' word for times I lose perspective through automatic responses and old habitual thinking; lack of boundaries.

    For those of us with fog brain as a normal everyday occurrence, decision making has its traps. Being caught up in an emotional moment is one of those traps; the defences are down and choice can be limited, depending on the situation of course. 'Shooting from the hip' is another; not filtering communication (to/from) during conflict or danger for instance. This can be from fear, revenge or even my own childlike mentality. (Lack of self control)

    The premise however, is to defend, protect and promote 'self' as my priority. No more 'them' first. What is in my best interest???? Great question! (Health/well-being, independence, foresight, safety and financial stability/security)

    But I think more than all these, is self insight and understanding/accepting my limits. Ergo...some things may never change and continue to be a source of frustration.

    I guess this means staying away from situations where my barriers will be down and temptation is too difficult to cope with...'them' will always be more important unfortunately.

    A wonderfully in depth contemplative subject Dottie..well done!

    Cheers...Dizzy xo

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  11. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    16 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    Thanks 😊

    Well, as is often said, old "habits" die hard (actually I think you said that but I'm lazy so paraphrasing in far fewer words).

    I mean, it took a lifetime to learn your old "habits" (I'm using this term very loosely; I mean more patterns of behaviour and relationships) so unlearning those habits also takes time. It's a work in progress.

    And you are an amazeballs work in progress. Power to you.

    Dottie x

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  12. Yoga has changed my life
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    32 posts
    16 October 2016 in reply to jusrob10

    Hi Jus Rob

    im 30.

    Everyday I am learning something about myself.

    Today I went for a walk with my dog as my head was racing. A walk in the sun was nice. But as I was walking I noticed I was smiling at everyone I passed. One guy didn't smile. Small things things like that used to worry me but I just remind myself it's ok. I kept walking and focused on the things I like. The pretty flowers. The smell of jasmine reminds me of my grandfathers house and I have it at my house. Remember the beautiful memories but always remember to look forward.

    If you don't know what you want to do that's OK you've identified it. That's an amazing thing to have achimploshed. be proud of yourself!

  13. Yoga has changed my life
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    32 posts
    16 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara
    Best of luck!!!
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  14. Just Sara
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    17 October 2016

    I want to say good morning everyone, but alas, it's afternoon. I've only been out of bed for an hr and half due to a massive anxiety attack last night. It was uncomfortable of course, then was followed by grief stricken and deeply hurtful crying that lasted for an hr.

    So I won't be going in depth about anything today. It's difficult to explain to people who haven't experienced this phenomenon, how interfering it can be to our everyday lives. I missed an appt with my trainer at the gym this morning; I've rescheduled, but it's telling of how anxiety doesn't discriminate and has no boundaries of appropriate timing etc. It just is..

    I am exhausted..

    Not just because of last night, but my ever present need to move forward and 'heal' my poor damaged nervous system and soul. I'm wanting respite and a bloody long holiday! I have some things to attend to that require addressing now and can't be put off. But as soon as they've been attended to, I'm off on a driving holiday up and down the eastern states to visit with special people in my life who I haven't seen for a long time.

    I've worked hard to be able to leave the safety of my home. Taking advantage of this is an important and relevant reward for my courage and determination. Kudos to me!!!

    As soon as I can find a house sitter, I'll follow the wind as it takes me to destinations where life has meaning, sensory beauty and friendly mindless chatter can fill the air. I'm so looking forward to it.

    I'll make a list of people and places to visit, but if I feel I want to divert from my map, all the better.

    I'm taking my laptop with me as I'd miss the connection with you all so much, keeping in mind to stay away from hard hitting subjects that tempt my sense of empathy for others.

    (Sigh...rubbing my eyes..) Staying patient and enthusiastic...Dizzy xoxo

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  15. Cornstarch
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    571 posts
    17 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    I'm sorry for your anxiety attack Dizzy.

    Anxiety really is a taunting school yard bully. It's randomness is demoralising at times.

    Your statement:

    "keeping in mind to stay away from hard hitting subjects that tempt my sense of empathy for others"

    I really, really struggle with this too.

    Being a child carer means that I don't even notice I'm doing it, and I was punished if I didn't take on my father's pain. There is such a thing as having too much empathy, I have to attempt to clog my porous nervous system, it only makes me vulnerable to users and takers.

    I must practice what I preach and channel time & energy into myself for a change.

    Take care.

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  16. Just Sara
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    17 October 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Well said Cornball!

    You're absolutely on the money when you say over empathy can divert from self, a common theme within our threads and comments. We 'feel' deeply for others as we did in our homes growing up without the empathy for us we so deserved. Continuing that pattern needs a good dose of self insight and self interest that also (unfortunately) conjures up guilt for being 'selfish'. Who are we to deny that empathy for ourselves?

    You're a courageous and beautiful person my lovely...you go girl! Your words of encouragement could also be well spent giving to the most important person in your life...YOU!

    You're in my thoughts darl...Dizzy xoxo

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  17. Guest_322
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    17 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    Virtual hug coming your way. This morning was extremely intense for you. Some time off to rest and recover sounds great. You deserve it.

    See beautiful things, have beautiful conversations...maybe it will help rejuvenate you a little. You owe it to yourself 😉

    Corny, you too. You take care of no. 1 too. You deserve it just as much.

    Oxygen mask on self before the next person.

    Hugs to all,

    Dottie xxxxxxxx

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Just Sara
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    17 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey Dottie;

    I've been congratulated by Whiteknight for my 500th post, but you beat me to the punch! Well done young'n!! I wouldn't have noticed, but Tony did God bless him.

    It's 3am and eyes are gradually closing thank goodness. I wait for that feeling so I can sleep un-medicated.

    So Nigh-night and sweet dreams lovely...Dizzy xo Zzz Zzz z z z z z z

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  19. Just Sara
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    18 October 2016

    Fear of love...

    I've written before about misinterpreting fear as love, and love as fear. This confusion has only come out in the open after digging deep into my past and heart. The problem is, when these feelings touch the surface, it can send me running for the hills. (tears..)

    I'm an emotional wreck. I so wish I wasn't. Triggers; post trauma responses, have a way of making me feel like a victim and a perpetrator at the same time. I fear I may end up alone and lonely, like the old hag at the end of the street in the creepy run down house with un-mown lawns.

    Forming new relationships frightens me to death.

    So many of my intimate connections have gone by the wayside. I've loved so deeply, so desperately and all encompassing, it drove a twisting stake through my heart and out again when things ended.

    I want to be able to love again, I really do. My childhood dream of home and family has nearly lost its 'use-by' date. It's morphed into a more adult version yes, but instead of finding and accepting someone to share it with, I'm realising now it's 'me' who's threatening this life long fantasy; my fear, my love.

    I'd be lying if I said this hasn't tempted me to self expire many times. It's still there. I don't know if I could risk my mind, body and deep paradoxal heartfelt love one more time. I'd like to...just to feel again.

    As I've said earlier in this thread, I'm not dead from the waist down, but I may be from the waist up; in frozen limbo...

    Call me Ishmael...

    Dizzy xoxo

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  20. Guest_322
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    18 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    Well done, you! You've given so much of yourself here. Glad Tony WK noticed- good on him!

    Thanks...don't get too excited ha, ha...I'm just nosy and poke around the forums hence all the posts. That, and I'm sure a sizeable percentage is my goofing off at the Friends Cafe (love the guys there) 😉

    Thoughtful, sad post on love btw. No surprises, I'm sure, but when it comes to love, I have no answers- my family and ex-boyfriend weren't exactly the best examples. Actually, I've no answers for lots of things.

    I think love can be fragile, and sadly there's no guarantee that any one relationship will be forever. People change, priorities change, love changes, life changes...it's hard, isn't it? Maybe everyone wants love and maybe everyone wants forever- and with the right person too. But that's not always easy to come by.

    I'm just rambling now...I guess love means taking a risk.

    I know you're hurting. I know this is painful for you. I know you want to be loved but have been hurt before. Don't know the right thing to say but I hope you keep holding on.

    Thinking of you. Sorry you're doing it tough.

    lots of virtual hugs!

    Dottie xxxxxxxxxxx

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  21. Just Sara
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    18 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dottie...you're a constant...thankyou

    Yes, I am doing it tough. I recognise these feelings. I've been here before. I tell myself..."Don't go there" But I do. I've sat with my fingers resting on the keys, waiting. My words have run dry.

    I need me

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  22. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    18 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dizzy,

    I'm really, really worried about you. I'm worried about how you're feeling as well as your personal safety.

    You mentioned seeing friends- could you stay with them for a bit (for example)? I just want to make sure you're safe. Don't promise me but can you promise yourself to keep safe?

    Yes, you need you, and that's okay and that's understandable.

    Please keep safe and I'm here for you.

    Dottie xxxxxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    18 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dizzy,

    Words can be tiring. Save them for yourself as you're struggling- I'm not expecting a lengthy reply from this- but please, please just keep safe.

    We gotta make sure this sassy (and very hurt) 56 year old gets through this very rough patch.

    About constancy...I guess you learn to give what you haven't had much of in life. I know what it's like to not have much emotional support. I know what it's like to essentially emotionally raise myself for most of my 20 years (probably why I sometimes feel more than twice my age). I know what it's like to hurt so bad that I feel like something is choking me on the inside. Feel like I'm 20 going on 50 sometimes...our stories differ vastly but I recognise and see pain in others fairly easily.

    I'm just reaching out to say, in my own limited way, that I get it.

    No need to rack your brain for a response to me, okay? Save your energy for yourself. Write here when you're up to it.

    More hugs.

    Here for you.

    Dottie xxxxxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  24. QldMouse
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    239 posts
    18 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322
    Dizzy, be strong. A lot of us get it. I have my fingers crossed and thinking hope and happiness in your direction. 500 posts, well done!

    This is a tough, honest thread to read. You and Dottie are amazing, all the best ladies.

    To Yoga, well done for smiling. I'm sorry you are affected by people not smiling back but it would not be because of you. Some of us are too scared to smile, who knows what the impact would be on our faces.

    All the best ladies.
    2 people found this helpful
  25. Just Sara
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    19 October 2016 in reply to QldMouse

    Dear Dottie and QldMouse;

    I'm not well, but I'm still here.

    Taken some anti anxiety med's.

    getting through theday best I can.

    thankyou both..much. will post when better..love dizzy

    (Tony WK..bed of nails...priceless)

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Guest_322
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    19 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Dizzy,

    Any time. Post only when you're up to it. No pressure.

    Here are some hugs and virtual flowers:

    🌷🌼🌸💐🌹🌺🌻

    Dottie xxxxxxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Just Sara
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    19 October 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    My dearest Dottie;

    Words can't adequately express how absolutely beautiful it feels to have your ongoing support. You have your own pain yet still find strength to give...

    You represent the true purpose of BB being a precious source of love and 'community' in its purest form. You helped me keep going...a kindred spirit travelling on the road of life. You are a legend...

    I thank you from the bottom of my heart young'n. Or should I say; "kidult"?

    Yes, your wisdom is born of pain, but you also have intellect of the heart...emotional intelligence.

    Warmth and gratitude beautiful girl...Dizzy xoxo

    A grateful call out to QldMouse too...thankyou for being here for me lovely...D xoxo

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Cornstarch
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    571 posts
    19 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    It looks like you had a rough couple of days Dizzy.

    I hate those sidelining days when life just goes, Whack! to the nervous system.

    Awful.

    The colours in your sunset match the colours in my corn rows look at that!

    Corn Relish

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    20 October 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Dizzy,

    Aw...thank you, that was a really unexpected and beautiful post. Think I might screenshot it and save it on my phone to look back on on one of my bad days 😊

    Young 'n, kidult- either works ha, ha.

    I hope you keep going, keep fighting and just keep doing your thing.

    And as you already know, whenever you need an ear or feel like posting, well, we can find you here on Dizzy's little BB corner.

    We have your back. Rest assured 😉

    Keep holding on.

    Dottie xxxxxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    21 October 2016

    Dizzy,

    No need to respond at all. Just sending a post to say you're in my thoughts and that hopefully your weekend, if nothing else, is relatively peaceful.

    Hang tight.

    Dottie xxxxxxxx

    1 person found this helpful

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