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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Getting to know you...or is that me?

Topic: Getting to know you...or is that me?

  1. Just Sara
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    22 November 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Sometimes I want to run and hide...

    Escaping me isn't as easy as once thought I'm afraid. I haven't had any self loathing for quite a while, but when it hits, I take a gulp. My reality bug bites.

    I look at your posts Dot and ask myself; "How can this young woman keep a constant vigilance over me with such calm and clarity?" You're always there...cheering me on...offering yourself up to the Gods in the name of empathy.

    The force (brick wall) is strong in you...I still remember our first encounter when life was getting you down. I felt a sense of accomplishment knowing you came good. I haven't felt that since...what's wrong with you??? Ah ha ha ha ah....Sorry, brain fart.

    Getting to know you isn't as easy as I'd hoped...the force is strong in this one master...

    Sconnor out! xoxo (Amaze)

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  2. Cornstarch
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    22 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    You've time travelled Sara with respect to the self loathing.

    Youre in a visceral emotional flashback that is lodged in your nervous system with someone else's home address inscribed in it.

    The hardest part is that a loving relationship/s is what is needed to heal.

    A previous poison is now required as present day medicine.

    Thats the cruel irony.

    Now go and get ya Jim Jams on

    xxxxx

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  3. Guest_322
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    23 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sconnor,

    Ouch, the self loathing sounds very painful. But I think Corny raised a good point that the bout of self loathing reflects your past demons. Still, it must be tricky to navigate the waters when a self loathing wave crashes.

    I'm not too familiar with Star Wars but from the little that I do know, I knew that the force was a Star Wars reference. I literally had to google "the force Star Wars what is it?" ha, ha.

    So from what I can gather, it seems that the force is essentially the life energy in all living things (?) Sorry, I have to admit that I'm slightly confused by your post. I'm wondering if what you're trying to say when you said "the force (brick wall) is strong in you" was I'm a little hard to get to know? Like I've built a wall around myself? I don't mind if that's what you're saying but I'm just kind of confused ha, ha.

    I hope you find a way around this self loathing hit. It's hard when your mind/emotions knock you down.

    Super virtual hug!

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

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  4. Just Sara
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    23 November 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Dearest Dottie;

    Firstly, what were you doing up at 3am?

    Yes, Star Wars...the 'Force' was a metaphor for our natural instincts and connection to 'all' things. Yoda, the little green creature, taught Luke Skywalker how to hone in on this natural gift, he said; "The Force is strong in this one" I suppose the geek in me used it to symbolise a brick wall or a protective force field around you.

    I'd had some issues yesterday re relationships and was self blaming. Corny was correct in this instance; it's a flashback to my demon days. I was projecting my shit onto you...sorry darling. I think it was me who wanted to be surrounded by a protective field.

    The confusion was all mine ok..again, Corny hit on the core...I need a proper loving relationship; in the flesh! I was sad last night. I can cope with sad, it's just that sadness creates a 'flashback' of sorts internally and I do tend to ruminate. Loneliness or feeling isolated can be a real demon.

    There it is again damn it...that sadness.

    Anyway, I hope all's well with your exams and study. Are you doing face to face full time or flexible delivery? That's what they used to call it...online I mean. I don't like class rooms. Personality clashes and frustrating lecturers. Blah! I can get more out of an online trip to the ABS than a full day lecture. I love research.

    I did a Residential at Uni quite a few years back, and was shouted down by a very aggressive woman when I mentioned our intuition. The lecturer was actually scared of her; that did it for me.

    Honestly, I know they carry on about 'grades' at uni, but in hindsight, it's about the piece of paper at the end that counts. That paper gets you into the right job, not how many distinctions you get.

    Life experience and communication is far more valuable than any degree. Your application gets you a foot in the door, then you can shine at interview. That's where your power lies...being able to 'sell' yourself; marketing 101.

    I miss work...

    So have a great day lovely. Stay amaze yourself...

    Warm and fuzzies...Sconnor xoxo

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  5. Just Sara
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    23 November 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    My lovely CornSpirit;

    I want to cut and paste every word you've written! How absolutely spot on! The moment I read your words, it hit me with intensity. Bless you and your presence here C Girl.

    (tears..) You so get it...you get me. There's no hiding from you is there?

    You should bottle your wisdom...priceless

    Sconnor xoxoxo

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  6. Cornstarch
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    23 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    I did do a longer reply Sista Sara,

    Yes you need a loving relationship/s full of affection and lots of laughter.......no GP can prescribe that unfortunately, we have to put ourselves out there.

    Feeling really shaky, and symptomatic, gonna take a break.

    No hiding from Yoda-Corn. I suppose feeling like you are 367 years old inside has it's perks, and all of my life experiences weren't a total waster or annihilation.

    xxx

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  7. Guest_322
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    1660 posts
    23 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sconnor,

    Um I was up at 3am as I often wake up in the middle of the morning so it's nothing new ha, ha.

    You can't keep anything from Corny- she was her typical perceptive self. Got right into the heart of it in Cornered fashion.

    Ah thanks for explaining the force...yeah, I think it's a double edged sword when it comes to people in general. I guess it's hard to find the balance between trying to protect yourself and craving intimacy and love at the same time. I'm sure that balance exists but it's not always easy to find.

    All good- no apology needed. You've been struggling and were just trying to get your thoughts/feelings out there. And in all honesty, I'm yet to meet a person who hasn't projected their personal experiences/feelings outwards at one point or another. I've done it (still sometimes do it) too 😉

    Oh, oh ...sadness is something that I'm more familiar with than Star Wars ha, ha. That's my baseline emotion (also my mum's) so I hear you. It's a sucky feeling.

    Your encounter with the angry woman at uni sounds pretty intense. No wonder you're not so keen on face-to-face (internal units). I'm glad you're enjoying personal research- there's a lot out there in the world to learn.

    I do face-to-face. I prefer face-to-face (internal) over online (external). I enjoy being engaged in lectures and asking questions on the spot. Not to mention making friends at uni 😊

    True, true...life and work experience plus interpersonal skills are very important in the workplace. I definitely agree with you there.

    Although the importance of grades varies a lot between disciplines. I'm doing a double degree and my grades matter less for my commerce units (unless I want to work for the Big 4, which I have little interest in) than my psych units.

    In psych, the nature of the degree is that it's competitive. The number of psych students far outnumber the honours places available, which is where grades come in.

    My psych degree has honours embedded in it. My ATAR earned me direct admission into the honours stream. So I have a guaranteed place- on the condition that I maintain my grades. Don't maintain my grades and I lose the honours. Lose the honours and that means I have more limited future options.

    So I need those grades to keep my place- sorry about that boring degree talk ha, ha.

    I hope you're taking good care of yourself today. Matters of the heart and past demons can be tough.

    Thanks! You stay amaze too!

    Big virtual hug!

    Dottie xxxxxxx

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  8. Guest_322
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    23 November 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Greetings Yoda-Corn,

    I don't know Star Wars very well but I do know who Yoda is...very fitting...you're definitely Yoda!

    A break for you sounds like it's sorely needed. You rest up and recharge your batteries. Self care is a priority.

    Be super kind to yourself during your break!

    Dottie xxx

    P.S. I've no idea how old you actually are (chronologically) but have you ever considered working with people around my age? You have a sassy, cool way with words and don't mind saying stuff like s**t so I feel people my age will listen to you. You don't nag or lecture but cleverly get to the point.

    Anyway, just food for thought (no need to reply to my question but I thought that I would throw the idea out there).

    You rest up now. Virtual hug!

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  9. Just Sara
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    23 November 2016 in reply to Guest_322
    Now I'm sad...really sad...lost my best friend to pragmatism
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  10. Guest_322
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    23 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Aw Sconnor...

    Big, big virtual hug and an avalanche of love from Dots.

    Keep holding on (and stayin' amaze...even if it's very hard sometimes).

    Dottie xxxxxxxx

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  11. Guest_322
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    24 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Sconnor,

    Just a quick visit to drop off some well wishes. I know you've been having a hard time. In Wednesday's words- that I quite like- "don't let the beasties get to you."

    Hugs. Keep bein' raw and amaze.

    Dottie xxxxxxx

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  12. Just Sara
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    25 November 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey D girl;

    What a shumozzle that was! Argh...Sorry...didn't mean lost as in 'l o s t'. I meant the friendship was lost.

    But it was a big fat misinterpretation of communication!!! What's a girl to do??? Sometimes not being able to read between the lines is sorta crappy. But then to act on it..!!

    Please don't ask ok? God will be dragging it out of my mouth while I'm kicking and screaming at St Peter and those pearly gates. Talk about red faced and being triggered all over the place.

    "Lucy...you got son esplainin' to do...."

    Thankyou so much Dot for the wonderful words of compassion and caring. I hope I didn't worry you too much. I feel sooooooo stupid.

    Love...Sconnor xoxo

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  13. Guest_322
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    25 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sconnor,

    Honestly, it's okay. Don't stress about it please...sometimes miscommunications happen especially if you're feeling emotionally vulnerable. Ha, ha I wasn't going to press for details so don't worry 😉

    Take good care of yourself and keep bein' amaze.

    Dottie xxx

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  14. Just Sara
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    29 November 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey everyone;

    Getting to know you, or is that me?

    I've recently had a period of confusion and triggers that had me to the point of self destruction. Is it any wonder with my past? I guess not. Relationships are hard work, and when the dust settles, one might be disappointed with the outcome or wondering why and how it all came about.

    I've learned to self assess due to constantly finding myself in relationships that reflect similar one's in my past, and it urk's me to no end. I figure since I'm the common denominator, I must change me to avoid such things in my future. It makes sense yeah?

    Choosing a partner has been seen as a 'chemistry' response first; being 'attracted' to someone. Once that alluring sensation occurs, common sense and rational thinking seem to go out the window. I'm trying to instil focus that promotes healthy decision making and problem solving habits; working from my head instead of my heart. (or loins maybe)

    It's trial and error, but the basis is to be 'in the moment' and conscious of my words, feelings and intent. It reminds me of times I've been drinking and have made really stupid choices. The next day or some time later, I wonder what possessed me to go there in the 1st place.

    Further to this, is the reality of having to deal with the fallout, and either being ruthless or gutless in cutting ties and getting some equilibrium back. The latter can be a huge fork in the road leading to situations that get out of hand and may snowball.

    In essence, it's making appropriate decisions in the moment, drunk with emotion or alcohol; self awareness and focus is the key.

    I've realised a lot of my 'goals' have been based on others instead of what I truly want for me. Working this out comes with frustration and disappointment, and can give way to denial, guilt and/or a lack of growth. But, it's a work in progress.

    The 'wounded child' tends to be at the fore most times this all happens. Childhood fantasies or beliefs can grind one into submission in seconds if I don't stay 'mindful'.

    So here's to self forgiveness, and the courage it takes to overcome old habits.

    Love you all...Sara xoxo

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  15. Guest_322
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    29 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    First of all, here's a big virtual bear hug from me to you. Thought you might need one (even if it's a virtual one).

    I'm admittedly no relationship expert, considering my age and how I've only had one relationship so far (we broke up earlier this year anyway). So I can only offer you my random, inexperienced thoughts (apologies if I'm potentially talking out of my arse)...

    I think- for better or for worse- the heart wants what it wants, no matter your age, number of relationships, etc. We can't control who we are attracted to but I suppose we can control our subsequent actions. As in, feeling attraction and/or intense chemistry does not necessarily mean one needs to act on those feelings (much easier said than done, I'm sure ha, ha). Like, for example, chemistry alone isn't always a good enough reason to chase after someone or be with someone.

    I think maybe that's where your point about awareness of your own thoughts and feelings at any given point in time- especially when The Feels are particularly strong- comes in. Head as the checks and balances system to make sure the heart doesn't get (too) carried away.

    As you observed, this is especially tricky for someone like you with your traumatic past. I think that it's relatively easy to repeat familiar patterns because if you grew up admidst abuse and conditional love then you're drawn to it. It's all you knew. It's familiar. Familiar can be oddly (self destructively) comforting even if familiar ultimately hurts you. Moth to a flame.

    And maybe there's even a part of one that seeks abusive, unhealthy relationships because she/he doesn't feel they deserve any better. There's a line from the movie- based on a book- called The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

    "We accept the love we think we deserve."

    I could be wrong but I suspect that is part of the struggle for you.

    For what it's worth, you definitely deserve better. So much better. You've lived for others for years and years so now is your time. As you said so yourself, now is the time to figure out what you truly want. On your terms. Sara's/Dizzy's/Sconnor's terms.

    Yup, here's to courage and self forgiveness indeed.

    Here for you.

    You really are amaze 😉

    Dottie xxxxxxx

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  16. Just Sara
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    29 November 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey and thankyou Dottie for your ever present sense of wonder and insight;

    You're correct of course and again proving your worth as a psych major. All you've stated is spot on, and it's these things that urge me towards 'self change'.

    The 'attraction' factor is the tell tale sign that one needs to be totally aware of situations and circumstances that 'remind' of the past. I once met a man I was so drawn to, I couldn't stop thinking about him. He so reminded me of my grandfather. As much as I loved my GF dearly, he was a destructive and violent man. It turned out this man was just as twisted and immoral.

    The signs were there. I ignored them to my own detriment. The Universe gives guidance, but if we don't listen, we end up having to rectify, as I said earlier, a snowball tumbling down a steep slope.

    So, I look in different places even if I'm uncomfortable. Places where nature and respect live; women instead of men; emotional intelligence and nurturing. Find what draws me there from within the 'best' of me.

    The subtle differences between attraction to the past and then the future, is felt in our bodies. The adrenaline aspect of past fear, and the 'butterflies' of young love appear this way. Mind you, it's been a long time coming, but I've been graced with such flutters lately and it's about bloody time!

    I accept your virtual bear hug with love Dottie; I give in return the only thing I can...my words of wisdom and admiration.

    With a grateful heart...Sara xoxo

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  17. Guest_322
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    30 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Any time. Thank you for the kind and generous words 😊

    I think that when I'm on BB, I respond and write using a combination of my gut, heart and mind. I mean, 99% of my responses have nothing to do with anything that I've learnt as a psych student. I would probably be saying the same things if I were, say, an engineering student or wasn't studying at all. Gut-heart-mind response (and on my dumber days: arse) remember? 😉

    Yeah, you're right that strong attraction can sometimes be a red flag. I recall you once said that you have often mistaken fear for love- maybe that was part of what drew you to this man who reminded you of your grandfather.

    Hey, self forgiveness and compassion, right? I hope you're not beating yourself up over ignoring the signs. It's hard to seek healthy relationships when you had a shaky foundation as a child/teenager. You said it yourself, you're "a work in progress."

    My ex-boyfriend was like daddy dearest. Hey, they even had a similar childhood, which I didn't learn till after we were "officially" together. The dumbest part, which demonstrates my infinite stupidity? I instinctively knew this all along but continued the relationship for 2.5 years. Granted, I was a teenager but still...I feel so stupid about it now.

    A couple of my closest friends in high school were like milder versions of my grandma. I've since severed ties with both of them. Even though it was the healthy thing to do, it still pained me to do it. Cut the umbilical cord.

    The (close and best) friends that I've kept in my life are healthier examples of friendships (and healthier human beings in general). I turn to them as role models. Sure they're not as "exciting"'as my dysfunctional friendships BUT sometimes (over)excitement is another red flag.

    Sorry, I hope you don't mind me talking about myself a little. I guess I'm trying to say- even though we have different experiences- that I can empathise.

    Back to you now...

    Good on you for throwing yourself in the deep end. I think unfamiliar territory is scary and intimidating but sometimes it's healthy to challenge old patterns.

    I hope you find what you're looking for, and I hope this person (regardless of whether they are a woman or a man) is good to you. You deserve the world!

    Thanks Sara. Your presence, friendship, intelligence and wisdom are gifts enough to me. Please don't doubt yourself and what you have to offer.

    Enjoy the young love heart flutters 😉 Keep staying amaze!

    Dottie xxx

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  18. Just Sara
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    30 November 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey D Girl!

    You're welcome to shed your thoughts and past on here anytime my sweet. As much as I've come to enjoy this space to share, your presence has become integral in it's ongoing success. So share away!!

    It's interesting how your insight and choices are so highly evolved. I know I say it a lot, but your youth and wisdom continue to amaze me. It's as if you're channelling something from the Universal Cunnin' Kit. lol

    I wish I'd had the same ability when I was your age. My best friends were models of my mum and sister. Being so green and easily corrupted, I had them in my life for far too long.

    But you know what? The self learning I gained from this has been invaluable. The same goes for all my dysfunctional relationships. The benefits to this, considering our ages differ greatly, is that I'm now using that info for change just as you are.

    It's one thing to 'know oneself', it's another to 'act' on that information. Not for the faint hearted. We say that a lot on this site for very good reasons.

    I'm also personally grateful for you sharing something of yourself with me. This is after called 'Getting to know you..or is that me?' Each time you share, it elevates us. By this I mean, the 'flow' of sharing creates an energy pattern that attracts 'function' and 'purpose'. Positivity in its rawest form becomes experiential. Like attracts like, so our positivity becomes stronger to the point of actually 'feeling' it.

    It's all a matter of being willing to give and receive with purpose, respect, forgiveness and gratitude. More than this is not being judgemental of ourselves or each other. Those things combined equal 'love'.

    So it's fair to say we've become close. I like this...

    Thanks Dottie for your companionship and oh so lovely character and personality.

    Staying Amaze...Sara xoxo

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  19. Guest_322
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    30 November 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Aw thank you 😊

    I guess it goes without saying that everyone is different. Even if 2 people had the exact, same experience, their response wouldn't be 100% identical.

    I think you did the best you could, given the circumstances and given what you understood/knew at the time. I mean, no one could blame you for ending up with best friends who were the spitting image of your mum and sister.

    And as you said so yourself, all has not been lost because you've learnt from those painful relationships. No greater teacher than experience, right?

    I agree with you that insight and action need to be on the same page. Like if you have one without the other, you're basically limping. The 2 need to cooperate so you can walk steadily.

    I'm glad you don't mind if I sometimes chime in with a little something about myself. Thanks for the reassurance. I guess I kind of had to grow up (relatively) quickly ha, ha.

    But in all honesty- in my offline life- I am naturally drawn to people that are not good for me. Various versions of my family members. It's something that I have to constantly keep in mind. I guess that brings us back to your point about self awareness.

    While my closest friends are awesome, my myriad of random friends are of much more, uh, questionable quality ha, ha. But I'm actually okay with that because the important part is I know who I can and can't turn to when things are rough.

    So here's to us sharing, growing, learning and being friends (and self forgiveness).

    Glad you're staying amaze!

    Dottie xxx

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  20. Just Sara
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    1 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey Dottie!

    Lovely response and on point as usual. Your post gave me food for thought Dot, so I've been having a think about the attraction factor. (to and by) One personal thing came to mind.

    Protective Instincts...

    If I analysed my relationships re stereotypical labels like 'rescuer' or 'enabler' or 'victim' for instance, I could probably see a pattern. Growing up I took on the role of protector and nurturer to my younger siblings after my Nan died. She was the 'loving' backbone of our family.

    For as long as I can remember, I've assumed I supplemented her absence. But after some deep thought, I actually think I took on the paternal role as well due to our dad being away a lot, and a threat to our safety while at home. My mum was volatile and unpredictable, so protection again was my focus. I threw myself under the bus many times for my sisters. (unknowingly)

    When very young then into my teens, my 'pseudo brothers' had a massive influence on me developing a sense of self, as did my grandfather. The only times I remember having to defend myself against one of them, was being teased into tears. But that's what brothers do yeah?

    My GF projected a 'tribal head' image of his huge extended family domain. He ruled with an iron fist; fear and arrogance was interpreted as strength and wisdom. While I was small, he nurtured with music, love, teaching and confidence. More than this though, was 'protection'. That changed the older I got.

    It's no wonder I've ended up in situations where I stand up for others without thinking about my own safety, and going about it with a combination of masculine mentality, and Nanna nurturing. Complex dynamics within events when I look back, can mimic many of my childhood/adolescent memories.

    Recently though, I've been trying to develop an authentic sense of who I was trying to be among all the trauma and confusion. So being attracted to men as well as my 'secret' love for women, has been my focus in 'outing' my forgotten repressed desires and the peace that lies within.

    The concepts are complex, yet my mind is doing it's job to separate the issues to find calm and surrender. The common denominator to overcome? Hyper-vigilance.

    I needed to write this...

    I'd like to dot point, but I'm gathering the guts of it for experiential reference.

    Great talking with you...Sara xoxo

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  21. Guest_322
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    1 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    I think it's great that you're on this path of self discovery and self definition. I'm sure you're there...tangled in all the years of abuse and trauma, you're there. I guess now you're untangling and finding your own voice.

    For years, you acted as both protector and nurturer for so many people. Reenacting familiar dynamics.

    But at the risk of talking out of my arse- which I am known to do- those dynamics seem very prescriptive like "You Jane, me Tarzan." And maybe...I don't know...maybe part of your evolving sense of self would be to let go of some of the need/instinct to save and rescue.

    I'm kind of rambling...but maybe healthier relationships have more flexible dynamics, and are less about protecting and nurturing and more about equality, support and empathy. Like you can still protect and nurture without nessarily completely embodying the role of the protector/nurturer in a relationship (regardless of whether it's intimate, familial, friendship, etc).

    I think it's great that you're discovering/accepting your own sexuality that had been repressed for so many years. I guess it was always there but you have always had to fit some sort of mould- be something to someone else- that it wasn't until now that you could be more true to yourself.

    You'll figure it out in good time- what you want and need as well as who you are and want to be. Life is for learning after all. Thanks for being you and letting us be a part of your journey.

    Stay amaze!

    Dottie xxx

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  22. Just Sara
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    2 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey Dottie Girl;

    You Tarzan...me Jane!!?? I'm assuming you mean stereotypes? I had a laugh at this one...no offence intended, I just haven't heard it before in this context. But it does fit the bill of sorts.

    When I wrote my post above, there were some issues pending that came out of their closet last night. (Pun intended) It's also that I spent half of the day with child protection agencies re family issues. It's a nasty bloody business, but you know what? I kept my cool and distance...boundaries.

    It had to be done, there's no doubt in my mind about that. However, as you've stated, an appropriate amount of connection and then walking away to let the professionals do their job is what has occurred. I'm proud of myself.

    I have lots on my mind today, so I won't go much further with my post. I will say I adore you and your support. You're going to make a grand 'whatever' when it's time lovely.

    So have a great weekend and hope the exams are either finished or going well.

    Love Sara xoxo

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    4 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Um...yes and no...I was sort of talking about stereotypes but sort of not. But I can see why you would think that ha, ha. Let's just go with that then.

    Hey, that's awesome to hear- so you should be proud of yourself! Well done, you. It must have been quite the day- to say the very least- to have spent half the day with child protection agencies. Hopefully it all gets resolved in due course. Well done again on balancing connection with boundaries.

    Thanks, I appreciate the encouragement immensely. I had my last exam almost 2 weeks ago now- phew.

    Thinking of you.

    Keep staying amaze!

    Dottie x

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    4 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi again,

    I just saw your post in your funnies thread and just wanted to give you a virtual bear hug.

    You are intelligent as well as many other kinds of amazeness, k?

    Keep being you and stayin' fresh and amaze!

    Dottie xxx

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
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    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    7 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    I'm back Dottie!

    I've been posting, but couldn't face this thread. Too much going on in my head and wanted to concentrate on others for a while...the great escape.

    You're so gracious and lovely Dot. Thankyou for your comments and support. I'm better for it!

    I watched 'Terminator 2: Judgement day' tonight. Sarah Conner in all her glory. When it came out in 1993, I was trying to overcome my son's abuse, his acting out and disclosures to me. I felt completely helpless. Finding a man to protect us was a subliminal driving force, but at the same time, a massive threat; paradoxal and confusing.

    I ask men that I'm interested in, if they'll protect me. Their answer is so important, but I'm learning words are easy; it's their actions that count. This issue brings out my PTSD. I feel it now. Holding back the tears and trying to keep mindful.

    I used to use Arnold Schwarzenegger as a power figure for my son when he was having his night terrors. I'd sit on his bed hugging him and talking to try and settle his screaming and writhing. I thought if I could get Arnie into his dreams, he'd have a man to protect him. I didn't see me as his protector. Those times were hard Dot.

    My PTSD was solidified during those yrs of night terrors and waiting up so I wasn't woken by his screams. I hear people say; "Oh it must've been awful, want a cuppa?" No empathy...ya think? No-one can imagine the absolute helplessness and distress of facing that every night. Not even my son. I felt so alone.

    When I look at Sarah Conner in the movie, she's that powerful protective mum at all costs. I only 'got' that tonight. She's who I wanted to be, to keep my son safe, just as she did. I understand now why I was obsessed by her. Arnie was his protector till death. I wanted that in a man!

    Anyway, it's over now. My son came to talk with me this morning and he asked questions and engaged really well. I was filled with joy that he's finally taking control of his life. More nesting grief for me though. I know, that's life. It's a big reality to leave behind...that fear.

    Letting go...

    Sara xoxo

    3 people found this helpful
  26. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    8 December 2016 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    All good, sometimes it can be smart to take a break from our thoughts/analyses (if that makes any sense). I'm glad you're back now- you sound somewhat refreshed with newfound self insight.

    I've been posting, but couldn't face this thread.

    Would it be weird that when I read your line, my first thought was I know? Either way, it's good to have you back on your own thread ha, ha. Aw shucks, thank you 😊

    I agree with you that actions speak louder than words. Words are indeed easy and it's in people's actions that we find true intent and character. It's a bit like saying, don't tell me, show me.

    I guess for you, your PTSD brings with it more complexity, triggers and a whole other can of worms. Hopefully with self awareness, you can find a way to manage the many conflicting emotions. It must be painful though...and exhausting...big hug...

    I'm not a parent so I can't speak from personal experience. But I think, when it comes down to it, your search for the ultimate protector for your son- regardless of whether it was as Sara or in Arnie- reflects a mother's deep love for her child.

    To keep him safe: always and forever (and possibly wanting to do so from beyond the grave too). What is this? As I said, a mother's love.

    It must have been a beautiful moment when your son sought your advice (he trusts you). While children who trust their parents may or may not seek their parents' advice, children who don't trust their parents can almost be guaranteed to never seek their advice. I guess I'm trying to say, hey, he trusts you. Credit to you as a parent. You did good, Sara!

    It sounds as though he is on track. Letting go would be a very emotional time for you. You want to protect him (always and forever, right?) but it's his time to find his way. For what it's worth, you've gifted him with unconditional love. In Corny's words, he will always remember you.

    Super duper hug, you awesome mum (& shoutout to any other awesome mums and dads reading this)!

    Stay amaze 😉

    Dottie xxx

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    8 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    Hey Girls, Sara and Dots,

    You're both dating Lana Del Rey it seems, 'Summertime Sadness' hey.

    Well what's a few tears if they're not falling in humidity, wintertime they only crystalise into stars, at least this way they'll produce a lovely little mystical mist gently rising from your gorgeous faces up up and away into the vapour.

    Dots, I replied to your public versus private thread, hopefully Corn wasn't too risqué again. Whack.

    Sara, I think you're doing incredibly hard work. I suppose the hardest thing after identifying old patterns of relating is to see it for what it is, and take the plunge back out into life, allowing ourselves to stuff up and make 'mistakes' again is OK. The person you may potentially make a 'mistake' with will not be perfect either, I assure you.

    Coming from a household with 2 parents with mental illness, and one of them exiting the worst way one can choose to with these ghastly conditions, I can safely comment that social isolation quickly becomes 40, 50, 60 ,70 80 percent of the problem, depending who you talk to I suppose! Mental health snowballs with social isolation.

    I'm worried about your social isolation Sara. It's so easy for me to sit here and say that, and extremely difficult to change. I have a lot of friends your age and they are nearing retirement and quite frankly I am anxious for them. I feel like saying don't wish away work just yet. I haven't had a working parent since I was 11 so I have witnessed first hand how corrosive social isolation can be on mental health. Until work is gone you don't realise how much social connection is wrapped up in employment and derived from having a routine and structure to your day. Also if someone's marriage/relationship is not the strongest retirement can reveal a lot of holes so to speak and you will be together 24/7 to immerse yourself in holes.

    Corn Fritz xx

    3 people found this helpful
  28. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    8 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Hi Corny,

    Ha, ha Summertime Sadness alright...I love that song btw. I think that I like the Winter stars more in that case.

    Thanks, I read your response and I'm mulling over it. Nah, it's all good- I'm used to your humour and risqué writing by now ha, ha. I don't mind it...makes me laugh and sometimes you tell it as it is, which is what we need to hear.

    You stay amaze too, okay?

    Dottie xxx

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Cornstarch
    Cornstarch avatar
    571 posts
    8 December 2016 in reply to Guest_322

    I have eclectic tastes in music Dots, I love it all.

    Right now I am channelling Prince's spirit to you in funk-a-licious style via Childish Gambino, 'Redbone'.

    Later in the evening I will be swapping to something heavier, maybe trawl through some crazy cats bedrooms and listen to what they producin' in the garages of their pain across Australia.

    Sara is at the gym with Arnie.

    xx

    3 people found this helpful
  30. Guest_322
    Guest_322 avatar
    1660 posts
    9 December 2016 in reply to Cornstarch

    Hi Sara and Corny,

    Corny, thanks for the tune-y vibes. Eclectic is good because music snobbery is one of my pet peeves (don't get me started on this topic) ha, ha.

    Hopefully your music search was fruitful and you found sound awesome songs 😊

    Stay amaze.

    Dottie xxx

    2 people found this helpful

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