Hey Mark

Just dropping in to see how you are doing today, last week was really tough for you and I am wondering how you are feeling today?

It does seem unfair at times and like everything is stacked up against us and we just can't seem to understand why time after time these blows keep coming for us...I understand how hard it can be to get the thoughts under control, I really do, it is not easy and it takes persistence and also talking with people who do understand that these thoughts impact us so harshly. In the end though they are just that, and you are an awesome person Mark, you are a great friend and you support people here so genuinely and so wonderfully I can really see that. I know how hard it is for you, to make new friends and to manage the pain of the friendship that ended, I hope that an opportunity does come for you, to try something new maybe or to join a group or a club that you never even thought about before and there you can meet some really awesome people..just like here.

Hugs to you my friend and I hope your day is going well.

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah it's great to hear from you.I am still struggling and am losing all passion for the things I once enjoyed.I am trying but it is so hard.It is a long journey and don't know where it will end.
I hope you are going ok being in a snap lockdown.Hopefully it will end Wendesday.I feel for you and everyone who has to go through this.It just makes everything harder when you are struggling.
It will be my daughter's birthday Friday and I will cook her a roast chicken for dinner.
Take care,
Mark.

Hi Mark

That was really hard to hear that you are losing the passion for the things that you love, I hope that you are ok and maybe will consider a trip to your GP maybe, just to check in and to make sure that you are ok...and I know you do know the support services but please have some numbers on hand like Life line 13 11 14 as sometimes when times are bad you just can't remember things like phone numbers. You matter so much and you just never know which awesome human you may get to chat to on these support lines who may just connect with you and get you through that hour...even that is so very wonderful.

I am still working so the lockdown has not impacted me too greatly as yet, although I am keen to see what the decision is tomorrow and if we can resume our lives or we stay locked down for longer, I fear the latter! The kids are back doing home schooling and they too are hopeful for just a few days but we will see, they have what they need at home but it is just not the same...my son will try to do his Tafe course remotely tomorrow so I wonder how that is going to go?????

OHHHHH HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALABAMA xxx how wonderful that you are going to cook her a special meal for her birthday....home roasted chicken is soo much more delicious than a bought roast chook so I hope you have a wonderful meal together for her special day. I am sure you will also make her a cake as you are super clever like that and can just whip these things up.

It is so wonderful to chat to you as always and I hope that today is a good one for you, even just a moment in the day that you can feel good.

Hugs as always my friend

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah sorry I was going to reply to you last night but fell asleep by 6pm.I have been very tired lately and feeling run down .ore then usual.I kept waking last night from nightmares so I didn't have a good night.
I am waiting for a shed to arrive this morning.I still have to do the slab for it before I put it up I just have to find the energy for it.
Hard to believe my daughter will be 17 tomorrow.Yes I will make her a cake as well as a roast chicken for dinner.Need to wrap her presents to today.
I am glad you are at of the lock down but I know you still have other rules to abide by like mask wearing.It will be interesting to see how many get the vaccine .I will and I will be in the second group 1a but not sure when or where that will be.I can't find any information where you get it.I will talk to my GP about it when I see her and if I am ok to have it.
Take care,
Mark.

I have just gone to bed feeling lonely and depressed and crying.Is it for me or her that I cry.I am paying the price for my stupid anxiety.

HI Mark

I hope you are feeling better today, it is so hard to be feeling so bad and to have the reoccurring thoughts over and over play out in your head, that are just so painful. I am doing some work myself at the moment on managing thoughts and trying to be present in the moment and to live this very minute and not ruminate over the past or obsess over what the future will be..it is so hard and I am trying to put a few things in place to try to centre myself.

I didn't really understand meditation and thought I was always doing it wrong or not getting the benefits from it as my thoughts always ran away and I had to keep bringing myself back to focusing on something...I choose my breath, breath in white air and breath out black air....and that it is perfectly normal to think "oh hear that car" or "oh what is for dinner" and have the thoughts but to then bring yourself back...this is actually still meditation and apparently the more I do it the more focused I will be come in being able to bring myself to the now and in turn manage thoughts....

I am going to keep trying, in fact I am going to do some right after I finish typing this to you.

I hope that your daughter had a wonderful birthday and enjoyed the meal you cooked for her and the cake too..Happiest of birthday's to her.

Hugs to you as always Mark xx

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah I hope the meditation helps you.Let me know how it is going and if it is helping you.Mu daughter has gone out with her mother today shopping She has a heap of gift cards and money she got for her birthday and Christmas.Its just me and my son today He saw the specialist Friday and she took him off one of his medications and he has been so tired and sleeping a lot since he has been off it.
My daughter's birthday went good Her roast chicken turned out perfect and the cake I made was so yummy.It will be mine and my son's birthday in just over a couple of weeks.
I have been really tired of late myself.Struggling with depression and not finding .uch joy anywhere these days.
Take care,
Mark.

Feeling very down today and am so tired.I will never forgive myself.I wish I could be liked but I am unlikeable.Their is nothing to like about me.

Hi Matchy69,

We're sorry you're feeling so low today and having such dark thoughts. Please know you are a valued member of our forums community. You frequently and generously offer support to others across our forums, which in our book makes you thoroughly likable and liked -- not just by the moderation team but countless others on the forums.

We're concerned about you Matchy69 and urge you to please reach out and talk to someone about these thoughts and your low mood. As you know, while the peer support on offer here is often quick, it is not immediate. Our Support Service is always available with immediate brief counselling by phone on 1300 22 4636 or by webchat from 1pm to midnight AEDT every day, which you can access by following the links on the top right of every Beyond Blue page.

We are so glad you felt brave enough to share these thoughts with us today and encourage you to keep reaching out by checking in on our forums here as well as considering offline supports like our support service or your GP.

Hi Mark

Can I tell you that those thoughts you are having today are very fierce and that they are very loud but they are also very untrue.

There is so much to like about you, so very much and I am just so sorry that the loss of your one friend really makes you question your worth, your value and clouds the way that you can see the wonderful person that I see, that I have been speaking to and sharing a friendship with and getting to know for some time.

I hear your pain and your frustration and regret and the way you punish yourself for this friend leaving you, but can I suggest to you that some of this is on her too. While we can think and think and over think and blame ourselves and wonder if we did that differently would things be different, but we will never know, and we just don't know what was going on for her either.

I hope you can come and chat some more today, I will be around if you want to share or to talk about anything really.

I am here for you my friend.

Hugs as always and another one for today xxx

Sarah xxxx

Hi Sarah I am sorry for the post.As time goes by it just seems to be getting harder for me.I regret not being able to keep my friend I made.I don't make friends easy and just tried to hard.People just reject when I try.

Please do not ever be sorry for the post, sometimes we do need to let others know that we are feeling a little more vulnerable or a little more pain than other days and that is the very reason we have places like this as you know. Where you can share how you are feeling and you can reach out and we in turn can reach back, even if only via a computer screen, but I hope you can feel the support and the care that we want to take for you.

I know you struggle so very much with making friends and I feel like the loss of your friend has made you think that you will not ever make any more every again, or that if you do you will lose them as you are not a good friend. I am here to tell you that is not the case. Yes, social situations are tough for you and you do find it hard to make friends but that does not mean it is not possible, or that you are not worth it.

I know how much that loss of your friend has scarred you and how much weight you put on that situation and it just makes me so very sad for you as I just want you to know how wonderful you are. To be able to see the Mark that I have made friends with here.

I am proud of you for reaching out today and letting us know it has been more of a struggle than other days. I am proud you have reached out for some conversation and I want to remind you of the times that you have been there for me when I have been feeling pretty lousy, like the good friend you are.

Hugs

Sarah

Didn't think losing her would effect me so much and to continue to effect me like this.I know their isn't anything anybody can say that can fix it.I have tried to move on but just get rejected so I go back to the brief moment I was happy in my life.
I am sorry you have been struggling yourself of late.

I understand what you are saying in that it is hard to move forward and to feel any other way when the pain of the past is so relentless and so fierce.

I do it too, and that is fall back on the past and see the outcome and think "well it happened like that last time therefore it will happen like that again"...we are human and we do use past experience to guide our future thinking...this is why it does hurt as we then relive the pain all over again. As I mentioned I am doing some really great therapy to manage this at the moment and to really try to stay in the present, to be absorbed in the now and try hard not to "worry" about tomorrow and not to use yesterday to beat myself up.

S xxxxx

Hi Sarah my day has just got worst as I just got a long text from my son's principle as he's not coping with all the changes.I don't like change myself and maby that's why I want to live in the past.
Mark.

Well the good news is that the school are reaching out to you and letting you know this early on so that you can put things in place for him. I know that this is not news that you want to hear but at least they are onto it and want to get you across what is happening and what the steps forward need to be.

It is so hard to be a parent when things go well let alone when you do what you do to support your children with their learning and their daily lives. You are really such a strong person and I know as I type this you will scoff at me for saying that but I really mean it. The lengths you go to for your children and the things you have to endure to see that they are well and are taken care of is outstanding and I take my hat off to you.

S xxx

Sarah I would never scoff at you.You are an amazing caring person.At least the school will write his specialist a long letter on what' happening at the school.We have a phone appointment at 6:30pm tomorrow so I hope she gets it in time to read.

Looked like a big storm was going to hit us as their was lots of thunder and wind and it completely disappeared for the moment.

Mark

Hello my friend, hope this message finds you feeling somewhat better than you were feeling yesterday, it sure was a big day for you.

Thank you for saying how caring I am and I am super glad that you can feel how much I care about you and really mean what I say to you. You are an amazing person and the way you engage with others here and share and support when you too are feeling so off sometimes is just heart warming.

Good luck with the phone appointment tonight, I hope that it is successful and you get the support that you need also the support for your son too.

That storm sounded awesome, I love a storm and the rain and thunder....not so much wind as that can do so much damage and is a little scary but love a good storm.

Today is cake day at work so I am off to get a cake to have with my coffee, totally naughty but totally delicious!

Chat soon my friend

Sarah xxx

Hi Sarah I am a feeling a bit better this morning.I sent my cousin up north a long msg for her 50th birthday today.I dug up tree that was in the way where my shed is going and put it in a pot.I am getting the site leveled Tuesday for it.I silicon up a window that leaked during the storm.The storm came back and had lots of hail in it.It hit at the exact moment my groceries turned up and the poor guy sat in his truck for half an hour until the storm dissapared and then the sun came out.
Not sure what the doctor will say tonight,whether she will try him on a different medication or not.
The cake day sounds like a good idea.
Take care,
Mark .

Oh fantastic..I am so happy to hear that you are feeling a bit better today, that is such wonderful news.

You sure have been busy...wow...and so exciting that things are happening with your shed.

Wow that storm..poor grocery guy...but ouch..hail hurts...I have been hit before by some really large ones and they left bruises!

I have been doing some planting with one of my friends as it is our other friend's 50th on Friday and we are painting pots and making her some gifts for her outside area. They look so good, but no thanks to me..lol..I just do what I am told as we both know I am not the creative garden type....lol

Well all the best for the conversation tonight and I am sure that even just chatting will help somewhat, just to know you have a team and that there are people out there that are on your team and trying to get the best outcome for your family and for your son.

Sarah xxxx

Oh yes, the cake was divine!

Hi Sarah the specialist cancelled the phone appointment last night and hasn't resheduled it so far.He had a slightly better day yesterday but the teacher says be can't focus.After a good start to the year it's all been undone and now got to wait if the doctor has any response to it.
Take care,
Mark.

Hey Mark

That is a real shame that the appointment has to be rescheduled, hopefully they will get back to you really soon with another time. My son left school today early as he said he was not able to focus and his mind just felt like fog so I am going to be watching that space closely too. It must be so hard to be present in a room but not stay engaged or not stay on the task at hand, I really feel for them.

I hope that things start to improve this year for him and that you can get onto some real improvements for him and also for you too, the enormity of this for a parent must be so very overwhelming, I mean I know it is for you but I just have no idea how it feels.

The sun is out here today and the afternoon is just gorgeous so I am hopefully going to be able to enjoy some of that.

Have you been able to do anything more on your shed or in your garden today?

Hugs as always

Sarah xxx

Hi Sarah we have appointment in a couple of weeks for him in town.This phone apppointment was to see how he was going being to taken of one of his main medications.She timed it wrong with all the changes at the school.I hope your son is ok.Their is a lot going on in this world at the moment so I can understand him struggling and not focusing in school.
I did a little bit of gardening and I planted a couple of things.We have had a bit of rain here and is muddy outside so I don't know when I get the site leveled for the slab.
I am still struggling with my lonelyness and emptiness I feel.
Take care,
Mark.

That is great news that you have an appointment in town with a doctor for your son Mark, I hope that this is the beginning of a new chapter for him, and for you too.

Thank you so much for your kind words about my son, I am not sure what was going on yesterday but it is so unlike him to express that he was not "feeling it" yesterday and wanted to just go home. He seems ok today, like his usual self so I will just watch him and see how he is tracking, hopefully it was just that, an off day..we all have them that is for sure.

You are so very right in that there is so much happening in the world at the moment and things we sure never had to think about when we were growing up, however they don't really know any different so hopefully it is not so traumatic as we may think.

We too had some rain last night, it was so lovely to hear it as I was laying there getting to sleep, I love hearing the rain. Not enough to make it muddy or too noticeable though. I hope it dries off a bit for you so you can get back to that slab.

How is that cat of yours going? I had a call from the ranger the other day as one of mine was in someone's garden being a "menace cat"...I was like "what!" so I had to race home to meet the caged cat and the ranger..how embarrassing as if you knew the cat she is so far from a menace, however I get if you are not a cat person it would be annoying a super friendly cat bugging you all day....so she opened the back door and got out, let the other two out too....grrrr.....ahhhh the joys!!

Chat to you soon my friend

Sarah xxx

I just got a letter from the hospital for next Tuesday 2nd March.So not much notice.

Is that for your surgery? Wow not much notice but in saying that if it is for your surgery there is not too much time to think about it and just jump in and get it done, which is sometimes helpful.

I know you will be worried about it Mark and I hope that the short time frame is almost better than worse..what do you think?

S

xxxx

Yes it's for my surgery and anxiety is through the roof now.

Hi Mark,

I am sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I haven’t been feeling the best either.

I have been thinking of you though. good luck tomorrow

Hi Briony it' lovely to see you again.I am sorry you are strugling yourself.I find it comes in waves.I find I feel sort of ok for awhile but then just get really down and depressed.

At the moment I am really anxious with my surgery that' Tuesday.I haven't been able to sleep and feel ing physically sick which happens to me with my anxiety.

Tale care,

Mark.

Hi Mark

I am wondering how you are feeling today and if you have been able to keep the anxiety over tomorrow's surgery at bay? You are in the very best of care at the hospital and they will take very good care of you, I know you know this and that it doesn't help with the worry very much but just a reminder that they are there to care for you.

Were you able to do anything over the weekend to be able to ease the thinking and the thoughts about the surgery? Something in the garden or more on the shed, maybe even a ride on the bike?

It is pretty overcast here today and I think we are expecting some showers which will be good. I love the rain and I love listening to it while laying in bed and even better if there is some lightening and thunder too, so relaxing and it brings me peace.

Hugs to you my friend and hope today is a good one for you.

Sarah xx